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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not give my sister her Xmas present?!

114 replies

carelesswhisper27 · 19/12/2015 13:03

My sister is the youngest in our family and is 19.

This year she has said she 'cannot afford' to buy anyone Christmas presents and therefore does not expect any in return - which I suspect is not true. She earns usually about £300 a week (self employed MUA), lives at home, pays my dad £20 a week and has no other outgoings that we were aware of- mum still pays her phone bill. We were all a bit Shock wondering where her money has gone but have still all bought her gifts of course.

However it's now come to light she did have the money and has spent roughly £600 on herself this week on... Wait for it.... Lip injections, her hair being cut, coloured and a weave put in her hair.

I know you don't give to receive but I can't believe she's been so selfish! I've had a few choice messages from her because I questioned her and now I'm wondering - am I just being a miserable old fart or is she being breathtakingly selfish and self absorbed?!!? Confused

OP posts:
diddl · 19/12/2015 16:38

I think the issue really is that she has left it so late to say this-maybe hoping that she will be given presents as people have already bought them?

But I think think that if you can make use of what you have bought then no problems.

I hate buying stuff just for the sake of it when I don't really know what to get & the other person doesn't really want anything in particular.

SilverOldie2 · 19/12/2015 16:56

YANBU - if she wants nothing I wouldn't give her a gift. She's not a child.

BasinHaircut · 19/12/2015 17:04

Oh and YWBU to not save her a lounger, that's v petty IMO and it seems like you have form for winding her up when she has made a decision that you don't really agree with, and being quite passive aggressive with it.

Oakmaiden · 19/12/2015 18:21

Ah. That makes more sense. The two messages didn't seem to fit together, so I suspected there was something in the middle. Looks like she knows she is being selfish and is feeling guilty about it. But it is her right to be selfish if she wants to be. All you need to do is decide whether you are going to be magnanimous or take her at her word. I do see your reason for potentially deciding not to give her a gift.

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt · 19/12/2015 18:26

Yanbu - she sounds very self absorbed and is acting more like a 12 yo than a 19 yo adult.

I'd be tempted to give her a small gift like a small box of chocolates, but decorate it v nicely. Nice wrapping, ribbon, bow etc to make it look v fancy.

Goingtobeawesome · 19/12/2015 18:30

Please don't give her your present. At least not until she has been a nice person when she doesn't get one and then you can say here you are, I'd already bought it. If she tantrums then don't give her a thing.

Goingtobeawesome · 19/12/2015 18:33

My 12 year old would not act like this a million years...

Original poster
carelesswhisper27 · 19/12/2015 19:24

Yes, goingtobeawesome... Beggars belief doesn't it. She behaves like a child. I can take the criticism because I do struggle when it comes to her not to regress to being a child, maybe I do sometimes wind her up. But it's because she is just so unbearable. She's been pampered and spoiled her whole life, got away with murder... my mum treats her like a bloody baby! There is quite a large age gap between the two of us as I'm the oldest and there are five of us. I have no patience with her at all!

OP posts:
BasinHaircut · 19/12/2015 19:33

Fair do's careless, I can sympathise with how tempting it must be to regress a bit when it comes to dealing with her, but remember we don't all grow up as fast as each other!

As the eldest of 5 you probably had to mature a bit earlier than she has had to and so can't relate to being babied. If she has been treated this way then it's probably not all her fault if she acts so immaturely.

Alconleigh · 19/12/2015 20:53

She sounds like a character from Hollyoaks. With that many siblings there's a fair chance you wouldn't get on with at least one so I wouldn't worry too much about it. I'd take her at her word and give nothing and enjoy the show if she does kick off, but a token present is probably a better compromise.

Orda1 · 19/12/2015 20:56

I think it's fine, she saypid she didn't want anything it return.

whois · 19/12/2015 21:06

She didn't want t a gift. She wanted her lips done.

I don't think she is being U.

Wombat87 · 19/12/2015 21:12

Liked ... Actually, If her parents are funding her phone bill, accommodation, food and utilities... I would say yes it's not quite right to say you're skint and not buy them even a token present at this time of year... Then blow all that cash on hair, lips and God knows what else without even a token £10 gesture to the people who do all they do for her...
In particular where most families I know would ignore the 'no present' rule and get them a token gesture so they didn't feel left out. I'd also hazard a guess that anyone who didn't get a small something when everyone around them did would also still feel pretty sad and left out.

Thanks for doing the predictable thing of picking out one single little line and turning it into a dig.

therenter · 19/12/2015 21:18

Sounds very much like my in-laws. Mil phoned me the other week to say she couldn't afford much for the children this year as she had just come back for an exotic holiday abroad and fil has told us he is really starting to feel the pinch now. I had just bought a new boat and has managed so without selling his old one first. Meanwhile dh and I have scrapped to buy Christmas presents for our kids second hand as we really are skint. I don't begrudge anyone buying nice things for themselves and I am not so entitled to expect expensive presents for my children. But it boils my blood when people claim poverty when they have no idea how hard things are for us at the moment. Thankfully our kids aren't materialistic in the slightest and it won't bother them that they don't have much but it does grate me :-(

therenter · 19/12/2015 21:19

Sorry too much mulled wine this evening!

mommy2ash · 19/12/2015 21:40

My brother never buys anyone Christmas presents not even the kids so I don't bother getting him something. I used to get him trainers ever year costing around 130 euro so for the cost of a book or colouring set for my dd he misses out

hettie · 19/12/2015 22:13

I'd be more worried about her self esteem..... Lips needing doing or she'll be 'disgusting' ....Sad

Original poster
carelesswhisper27 · 20/12/2015 03:01

Nataleejah

You're honestly the first person ever in my life to call me selfish.

I always get Told I'm over thinking the effect certain behaviours or actions would have. I get told I think about things too much from other people's point of view and I should be more selfish from time to time. So I'm curious why you say this! Not a criticism because you are unbiased and my friends know back story but what makes you tell me I seem
Selfish?

OP posts:
Sameshitdiffname · 20/12/2015 06:25

OP you're not being selfish

theycallmemellojello · 20/12/2015 07:40

I think people are being a bit harsh. She's said no presents - a bit late in the day admittedly, but this is something that is regularly advised as a solution on mn. The beauty treatments - I think it's horrible to judge them, and it's her choice what she spends her money on. Plus I expect there's an expectation to look groomed as a Mua. Also, when you say she's making £1,200 a month, I presume that's not net of all work related expenditure? Non self employed people forget that if you work for yourself you have to buy your own tools and materials - she might also be renting a consultation room. Finally, she is living at home to save money- I'd imagine she is saving for a deposit for a rental/mortgage. It's not u for her to not spend this money on gifts. And ffs her parents are not being exploited.

PingpongDingDong · 20/12/2015 07:55

I think she sounds extremely selfish. It's one thing to say "I don't want presents" but a different thing to say "I can't afford to buy any" when clearly you can.

PingpongDingDong · 20/12/2015 07:59

Basically what mommy2ash said.

Nataleejah · 20/12/2015 08:35

So I'm curious why you say this!

Your first post gave me that impression counting how much she earns and how much her beauty treatments cost. Really? Money she earns she's entitled to spend however she pleases. I get that some pressies would be nice, but you're not children anymore Santa isn't compulsory.

junebirthdaygirl · 20/12/2015 10:05

Think it's so annoying to be the youngest in the family and have everyone else acting like your mother. Surely at 19 a lot of us spent mad money on ridiculous things which now we are nice and sensible we know we're mad. I have to bite my tongue with ds when l see what he considers essential. You are not her parent. It's absolutely nothing to do with you what she buys. If you want to give her a present do. Nothing to do with getting one in return but because she is your little sister. Also in the holiday story she was about 16 and some 16 year old are seld centred so not surprising. Pull back and let her off to do whatever she wants. If your dad wants more money he should say it but it's nothing to do with you.

MrsCampbellBlack · 20/12/2015 10:24

I get her wanting to spend her money on herself rather than on a load of presents - does she normally have to buy for many nieces and nephews too? It is quite hard if you're the youngest and expected to buy for everyone in a large family and their partners/children.

However it does sound as though you are very different so I just wouldn't get her a present as she requested and leave it at that.

As to what she earns/treats your parents - well if they want to act like martyrs then that is up to them surely.

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