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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give my sister her Xmas present?!

114 replies

carelesswhisper27 · 19/12/2015 13:03

My sister is the youngest in our family and is 19.

This year she has said she 'cannot afford' to buy anyone Christmas presents and therefore does not expect any in return - which I suspect is not true. She earns usually about £300 a week (self employed MUA), lives at home, pays my dad £20 a week and has no other outgoings that we were aware of- mum still pays her phone bill. We were all a bit Shock wondering where her money has gone but have still all bought her gifts of course.

However it's now come to light she did have the money and has spent roughly £600 on herself this week on... Wait for it.... Lip injections, her hair being cut, coloured and a weave put in her hair.

I know you don't give to receive but I can't believe she's been so selfish! I've had a few choice messages from her because I questioned her and now I'm wondering - am I just being a miserable old fart or is she being breathtakingly selfish and self absorbed?!!? Confused

OP posts:
redexpat · 19/12/2015 15:00

I cant afford it often means I can afford it but choose to prioritise other things.

Original poster
carelesswhisper27 · 19/12/2015 15:01

I like reni's idea. I will buy her a small packet of chocolates, give the original gift to other sister and come back to update on Boxing Day no doubt Grin thanks all for input!

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 19/12/2015 15:02

Stick to her wishes and don't give her anything. We don't buy for siblings as it's too costly, just the dcs.

OnlyLovers · 19/12/2015 15:05

Just don't give her a present. If she has a 'tantrum' (is she three?), leave the room. Don't engage.

Oakmaiden · 19/12/2015 15:20

'Hey is this right? (Brother) said not to buy you a Xmas present and u had asked that no one does cos you don't want to exchange gifts this year? Something about u can't afford? Xx'
''can't believe you've actually text me you've made me feel really uncomfortable about it - how shit do you think that makes me feel? If I could afford it I would get them like I did last year... Oh sorry I've had my hair done which I haven't had done since I went on holiday am I not entitled to want something nice for myself??? Or should I spend every last penny I have feeing and looking disgusting to get presents for everyone? You honestly are awful ''

Hm. If that was genuinely the entire exchange then she is being a bit of a cow - possibly because she feels guilty. But, and I hate to say this, it really does look like something might have been missed out in the reporting, which could well change my thoughts. If you even intimated you thought she was being selfish by buying things for herself instead then you are being unreasonable. Obviously you are the only one who knows exactly what was or wasn't said.

At any rate - these things are never worth falling out over. Deep breath, smile and move on.

SenecaFalls · 19/12/2015 15:24

I'm heading out for my pre-Christmas manicure and pedicure that I can afford because I don't have to buy presents for my siblings. Noel Noel Xmas Smile

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 19/12/2015 15:25

If she throws a tantrum she is of course BU - but as no tantrum has yet happened she is so far being totally reasonable to choose not to participate either as a giver or as a recipient in the crazy gift buying frenzy of Christmas if she doesn't want to.

Its all so ridiculous - lots of adults spending quite large amounts of money (even if you "only" get wine and chocolates or some other "token" present plus a card that's at least 10 pounds per adult, which adds up fast with a biggish family) on things nobody especially wants and therefore all going without things you do want in order to give other people random items they don't want, and receive random bits and bobs you don't want either, in return...

Opting out of the random tat exchange isn't selfish as long as you genuinely opt out of both giving and receiving in good time, not just opt out of giving and expect to receive. Its actually pretty unselfish to opt out of the massive conspicuous consumption orgy of Christmas and put a little bit less wrapping and unwanted junk into landfill...

Carpaccio · 19/12/2015 15:35

My brother is the same - says he has no money for Christmas presents, but is more than happy to go shopping for himself, buying Barbour and other fairly expensive brands, then hiding the items from my dad (but forgetting that I notice and think it's pathetic behaviour) because that's what my mum does too.

I usually ignore it and get him a small present anyway - I think it's more fun giving presents anyway, and I am giving him a Marmite hamper (and he has never tried Marmite as not from the UK) so it might feel like a punishment to him in the end anyway.

I personally wouldn't call anyone out on it - either give a present or don't. You decide what you want to give. There is no point in causing arguments and conflicts - in the long run it won't do any good.

Original poster
carelesswhisper27 · 19/12/2015 15:44

Oakmaiden - I've cut a couple of small talk messages out to save time but the full conversation was..

''
Hey is this right? (Brother) said not to buy you a Xmas present and u had asked that no one does cos you don't want to exchange gifts this year? Something about u can't afford? Xx

Yeah that's right I can't afford to get presents so I don't expect any in return xxx

Aw ok no worries X

Is there something up? X

No not at all, (brother) said u asked not to receive presents and I just wanted to check I hadn't misunderstood?

can't believe you've actually text me you've made me feel really uncomfortable about it - how shit do you think that makes me feel? If I could afford it I would get them like I did last year... Oh sorry I've had my hair done which I haven't had done since I went on holiday am I not entitled to want something nice for myself??? Or should I spend every last penny I have feeing and looking disgusting to get presents for everyone? You honestly are awful ''

OP posts:
Wombat87 · 19/12/2015 15:46

I spoil my little sister so I'd sill give it to her.

But maybe keep it to one side and see if she presents one to you on the day. If no, take it back. If yes, do the whole "where is (sister)'s?" And get it. Your little text spat may have made her think about if she can afford it... Even if it is just a small thing she ends up getting you.

I do know what you're getting at OP. We've had some marvellous rows over lack of affording things and suddenly a new car has appeared. She's not to feel guilty over spending her money on herself, but I think sometimes when young, they don't make the correlation between what they perhaps should morally do, and what they want to do.

Original poster
carelesswhisper27 · 19/12/2015 15:46

Maybe the 'I was just checking I hadn't misunderstood' is slightly PA also with hindsight.. still think her message is OTT

OP posts:
Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 19/12/2015 15:52

Wombat are you saying that morally people should buy all the adults in their family Christmas presents, and receive numerous items they don't especially want in return, even if they'd rather not participate in exchanging gifts with other adults and use their money for something they actually want rather than amass a collection of unwanted "stuff"? Why?

Skullyton · 19/12/2015 15:57

with her reply i suspect someone else has probably also had a slight dig and you've copped the arse end of her feeling a bit got at.

Original poster
carelesswhisper27 · 19/12/2015 15:57

I also feel I should explain her having form for being selfish/ self absorbed / unreasonable..

On a family holiday a couple of years ago I was sharing a suite with her and brother. We arranged to get up early to get a couple of sun loungers. Morning comes and she goes mental at us snoozing the alarm, says if you want to get up get up and stop disturbing my sleep. Brother and I go and start relaxing on beach... Sister rolls out of bed around 4 hours later midday, comes to join us and stands with full face of makeup, stood over us arms folded... Then asks if one of us is going to get up for her as she's got makeup on so can't possibly get in the sea. When I politely said no, and she should have got up early if she wanted to sit on a lounger she flew into a rage....Hmm I was a bitch that time too.

This year sold my dads iPad behind his back 'because he never uses it' and of course spent the money. He's found out and now she is begrudgingly paying him back at something ridiculous like £10 a month...!

Last year she had a boyfriend around Xmas. He'd come into a fair bit of money and she asked him to buy her a Chanel handbag. He said he'd already bought her present, she told him to take it back because she wanted the Chanel - couldn't understand why he wouldn't take it back, and slagged him off to all and sundry for not doing so.

if I'm honest I struggle to be in the same room as her at the best of times..... Hmm I didn't share what she's like originally because I wanted unbiased opinions from people that don't know her!

OP posts:
NowBringUsSomeFuzzpiggyPudding · 19/12/2015 16:06

Haven't RTFT but she's said she doesn't expect presents, so... don't give her any

Theworldmakesnosense · 19/12/2015 16:08

If she throws a tantrum then remind her she stated she didn't want presents and ignore her Wink

diddl · 19/12/2015 16:11

I can see her point about if you are going to get up then get up.

Sounds as if your parents need to bring her into the real world though!

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 19/12/2015 16:12

In your last post of course she sounds like a selfish and unreasonable person. However not wanting to participate in gift giving and receiving with other adults and preferring to spend her own money on herself is not unreasonable at all - unless of course she still expects to receive without giving.

In your OP you are U for expecting her to join in the Christmas present ritual just because you want to give and receive presents, and it is none of your business why she doesn't want to do it.

Obviously the back story colours this. I'd just take her at her word though and neither give to her nor expect to receive from her. If she gets upset about that then of course she will be VU.

Branleuse · 19/12/2015 16:15

she sounds a difficult character. Just dont get her anything, and dont sweat it

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 19/12/2015 16:15

Although snoozing the alarm when sharing a room with somebody who does not need to get up and wants to stay asleep is also VU indeed Xmas Confused ... expecting you to get off your sun lounger and give it to her because she is plastered in make up at the beach is plain illogical and weird as well as selfish ... so in fact you are all unreasonable and also incompatible, perhaps should spend less time together, and stop holidaying and Christmasing together [santa] Xmas Grin

BasinHaircut · 19/12/2015 16:16

She sounds like a nightmare from your last post, but the present thing doesn't seem like a big deal to me. In fact it seems like a great idea. I wish I had the balls to tell people I wasn't buying presents and just spent all that money on myself!

Yes she could have told you directly, and sooner that she wasn't doing gifts but if she doesn't want to participate in the Christmas gift saga then good on her.

Original poster
carelesswhisper27 · 19/12/2015 16:23

Just to answer - we had all arranged to get up early on the holiday including sister... Only when morning came she refused to get up and had a go at us for snoozing alarm! But then expected a lounger when she eventually surfaced!

But yes. Definitely incompatible... Grin to say the least!

OP posts:
OSETmum · 19/12/2015 16:28

YANBU to not give her her present but YABU to complain when she told you not to bother!

GloriaHotcakes · 19/12/2015 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nataleejah · 19/12/2015 16:33

You both sound quite selfish. YABU to be counting her money and judging her expenditure.

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