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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give my sister her Xmas present?!

114 replies

carelesswhisper27 · 19/12/2015 13:03

My sister is the youngest in our family and is 19.

This year she has said she 'cannot afford' to buy anyone Christmas presents and therefore does not expect any in return - which I suspect is not true. She earns usually about £300 a week (self employed MUA), lives at home, pays my dad £20 a week and has no other outgoings that we were aware of- mum still pays her phone bill. We were all a bit Shock wondering where her money has gone but have still all bought her gifts of course.

However it's now come to light she did have the money and has spent roughly £600 on herself this week on... Wait for it.... Lip injections, her hair being cut, coloured and a weave put in her hair.

I know you don't give to receive but I can't believe she's been so selfish! I've had a few choice messages from her because I questioned her and now I'm wondering - am I just being a miserable old fart or is she being breathtakingly selfish and self absorbed?!!? Confused

OP posts:
diddl · 19/12/2015 14:09

But she has (imo) so few outgoings that she could buy presents plus treat herself!

WEll she said no gift, so I would go along with that tbh.

Sameshitdiffname · 19/12/2015 14:10

I haven't RTFT but most muas I know earn about the same but spend a fortune keeping their kit supplied and up to date and purchasing different/new makeup eyelashes etc that gets expensive although this doesn't excuse her selfish behaviour.

I personally wouldn't give the gift but I'm a cow

Goingtobeawesome · 19/12/2015 14:12

I would give and say nothing or give her nothing and wait to see if she has a tantrum. Nineteen is not that young. She's an adult and she should really be acting like one by not lying.

I've now read her text. Give her nothing. And you are not awful.

Original poster
carelesswhisper27 · 19/12/2015 14:15

This was my text...!

'Hey is this right? (Brother) said not to buy you a Xmas present and u had asked that no one does cos you don't want to exchange gifts this year? Something about u can't afford? Xx'

to those asking why we still bought gifts for her - she didn't tell us what she was spending the money on. She told us she was too poor to buy presents (and as I don't give to receive) and I felt sorry for her I thought of course I wouldn't leave her out. It's that I now know she had more than enough money to buy small gifts and still have her hair done for example. I think I'll see how I feel on Xmas day but likely give the gift to my other sister (who is on an apprentice wage, has virtually no money, but is still getting token presents for everyone else) Grin

OP posts:
Bubbletree4 · 19/12/2015 14:15

I can't imagine withholding someone's present. Be the bigger person fgs.

expatinscotland · 19/12/2015 14:17

'Make up artist her hair and makeup are important to her business not just treats for her.'

And able to put on expenses for tax purposes.

Original poster
carelesswhisper27 · 19/12/2015 14:17

And goingtobeawesome - exactly. She has form and my concern is if everyone follows her 'wishes' and gets her nothing Christmas Day will be spoiled because she will throw a tantrum. Hmm

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 19/12/2015 14:17

Don't give a gift. If that is what she wants, fair enough!

You aren't awful and her email seems a massive, childish over reaction (unless your's was monumentally rude!!).

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 19/12/2015 14:18

Ahh, just read your perfectly fine email!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/12/2015 14:20

19 is old enough to be thoughtful. Not being on the same wavelength doesn't mean that she can't buy so much as a box of chocolates. As to what she does with her income if your parents are happy with the existing arrangements it's not really anyone else's business. She probably loves you in her own way but has vastly different priorities and/or can't be bothered searching for presents for any of you.

For now I would avoid embarrassing her by sticking to just a card and halving what you might normally give her next birthday.

It's immature of someone to say they can't afford to give because they are brassic and at the same time ostentatiously enthuse about something she has just bought for herself.

Yseulte · 19/12/2015 14:21

The main issue is surely why she's only paying your dad £20 a week when she's earning £300.

While she asks you not to buy her presents but I suspect she knows you will anyway so it's only she that gets out of it.

When I was living on £100 per week I gave my parents £70 although that included food.

Goingtobeawesome · 19/12/2015 14:21

If she does throw a tantrum treat like you would a toddler and IGNORE!

Hissy · 19/12/2015 14:21

Give her what she wants... Nothing. After all you dondo want her to be embarrassed eh?

Bet next year she'll find a different way of managing Christmas

CherryPits · 19/12/2015 14:22

She is still a TEEN she is going to have moments of utter bratty selfishness until she's at least 24 and then maybe a few more for good luck.

I wouldn't sweat it, but I'd consider really not getting her anything next year.

80sMum · 19/12/2015 14:22

With the exception of your own children, just don't buy presents for anyone over the age of 18 and make it a well established family rule, so everyone knows. Problem sorted. Has worked for us for over 20 years now, saved us a fortune and saved others from receiving things they don't want and feeling obliged to buy stuff for others that they in turn also don't want!
One just has to remember that it isn't compulsory to buy gifts at Christmas!
I'm with the OP's sister, in that it's far better to spend your money on something that you know you want, rather than on things that other people probably don't want.

SuburbanRhonda · 19/12/2015 14:22

Something about u can't afford?

Sounds a bit PA to me, OP.

Not saying it excuses her text, but it goes some way to explaining her being annoyed with yours.

BackforGood · 19/12/2015 14:28

Don't give her a gift. It's what she's asked. Unless, of course, she suspects that everyone will ignore what she said and still give her gifts whilst not having bought any for anyone else.
All the stuff about her "only being young" is just rubbish. I have a 19 yr old ds. He's a student, so certainly doesn't have £280 a week to spend on himself, but he will have got everybody something for Christmas - it's what you do - part of your budgeting. Doesn't have to be a lot of money, but it's about the thought.
Good grief, my dd2 (who gets £14 a month) pocket money, has managed to get everyone something out of her money too.

Bluetrews25 · 19/12/2015 14:29

Sounds as if she is hoping you will give the gift anyway.
A bit cheeky, really. She will get away with this as long as you let her.
When I went through hard times and asked for no gifts, I was relieved not to be embarrassed by having things given to me anyway when sadly unable to reciprocate. It would have upset me a lot.
Her reaction to whatever you do will be interesting.

Moonriver1 · 19/12/2015 14:29

I think YABU.

She's 19.

She has plenty of time to wring her hands over present buying and all the ridiculously over the top stresses and burdens that go with that if Mumsnet is anything to go by.

Atenco · 19/12/2015 14:36

The trouble with Christmas presents, in my experience, is that the presents are often not a good fit for the recipient, which means that a lot of money is being spent on things that nobody wants.

livvylongpants · 19/12/2015 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reni2 · 19/12/2015 14:49

Take her actual gift back and get her a token one to unwrap. Small box of celebrations or something like that. That way you send a message she was selfish, show you can get a little gift for less than a fiver and she still has something wrapped under the tree.

lostinmiddlemarch · 19/12/2015 14:52

I would take her at her word. Disrespectful not to. If you want her to grow up, you do need to treat her like an adult and not a child. So agree as a family not to do gifts but be perfectly pleasant. She can draw her own conclusions about whether it was worthwhile.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 19/12/2015 14:55

I really don't understand adults buying for each other anyway. No wonder Christmas almost bankrupts people.

She said she wasn't buying for others and therefore not to buy for her. Completely fair and reasonable. Sounds sensible to me!

SenecaFalls · 19/12/2015 14:57

With the exception of your own children, just don't buy presents for anyone over the age of 18 and make it a well established family rule, so everyone knows.

We went to this system years ago (except that we included our parents). It is pure bliss and makes Christmas so much less stressful. Highly recommended.