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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming over DD missing out attendance prize

101 replies

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 18/12/2015 20:37

DD has had 1.5 hours time off after she was physically sick in school despite telling them do not give her eggs as she has a food tolerance to egg. She is fine with things containing eggs but when having whole egg her stomach can't cope with it making her vomit I. Which the school did for a food tasting lesson.

So because of there mistake DD didn't have 100% attendance, hence missing out the prize.

OP posts:
Pico2 · 18/12/2015 22:45

It would be interesting to see some evidence based research on the impact of different strategies on attendance, ideally split by age range. There is such a range in practice by different schools, and while I understand that different intake demographics might warrant different approaches, surely some strategies are effective and others just make children feel shit.

myotherusernameisbetter · 18/12/2015 22:45

My DS1 once got an attendance award for perfect attendance in 1996 - He wasn't born until 2000 so especially well done him.

DS2 once got told by a teacher that it wasn't his birthday so he didn't get a birthday pencil. It wasn't his actual birthday but the Headmistress had asked for anyone who had a birthday in the holidays to come up since it was the last assembly before summer. The teacher told him to sit down as it wasn't his birthday in the summer. he may have only been 6 but he knew better than her when his birthday is!

Anyway, they do get a bit upset when these things happen but it's our job to teach them resilience.

LyndaNotLinda · 18/12/2015 22:46

chesire - no one is being horrible towards the OP's 6YO. They're telling the OP that she needs to manage the situation appropriately (and dipping into savings when you're skint is crazy - plus there is no way on earth the prize was worth £10 - why spend that much?!). The OP could shrug and say 'oh well, you weren't in school all term were you? That sucks but hopefully you can get the crappy pencil next term. I'll make you a hot chocolate when we get home and we'll watch Annoying Orange together' or something.

My son has SN - he's never going to be elected class rep or pupil of the term. He's never going to win a running race or win an art prize.

So that's his life. I don't fume or whine that it's unfair. Actually, yeah, it's unfair that he can't do the stuff most of his peers can do but I don't begrudge them.

tl;dr: Get a fucking grip.

Original poster
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 18/12/2015 22:46

I accept that I am being unreasonable.

So how can I manage this in future so DD will not be upset

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 18/12/2015 22:48

And the one prize (actually it isn't a prize - it's a paper certificate and I think a badge) my DS gets usually is the attendance award. And he has a disability.

So in his case, his disability means he doesn't get any other prizes but usually gets an attendance award. Unfortunately, he's well aware that he's completely shit at everything and that an attendance award is worth jackshit. Which is probably why I have so little patience for parents with NT wringing their hands over it. Particularly when their kid is a prefect (at the age of 6!)

Youarentkiddingme · 18/12/2015 22:49

My ds secondary do prizes for 100% attendance - they can win an iPad mini and only offer Sen support out of school hours at same time as enrichment activities.

I sometimes wonder why the equality act exists TBH.

I use the opportunity to teach my DS resilience and explain that life is unfair and hard but he'd be a better person for doing his personal best against the odds than swanning around with a free iPad that's borne out of luck.

LyndaNotLinda · 18/12/2015 22:50

Sorry - x-posted.

Just laugh it off? Tell her it doesn't matter? Point out that she's a prefect and that's absolutely awesome and X, Y and Z are never going to be prefects?

We need to teach our children resilience. They're never going to win all the prizes.

myotherusernameisbetter · 18/12/2015 22:58

So how can I manage this in future so DD will not be upset

In my case I just carefully explained that the teacher is an arsehole and gave him an extra cuddle - he was happy enough with that.

WorraLiberty · 18/12/2015 22:58

Just brush it off and tell her the other kids were lucky to have not been ill, and she might be that lucky too in future.

The same as you'd brush it off if she wasn't invited to a party, I'm sure you'd tell her that she might be invited to someone's next time.

WorraLiberty · 18/12/2015 23:01

myotherusernameisbetter you told your kid that his teacher was an arsehole because he made a mistake??

Blimey.

myotherusernameisbetter · 18/12/2015 23:07

I didn't use those exact words tbf, but that was actually the icing on the cake of a shit year (and it was a she). My elder son had also had her the year before. I've yet to encounter a lazier, more incompetent shoddy excuse for a teacher. She shouldn't have been in the profession.

Sallystyle · 18/12/2015 23:08

YANBU OP

It's all fucking stupid.

Praise children for behaviour and attitude to learning.

Praising for good health is stupid. I do wonder though, how much effect (affect??)these prizes have on attendance rates. I imagine the parents who keep their kids off because they just don't care aren't going to suddenly care now they get little prizes for good attendance. So what's the point?

BatsUpMyNightie · 18/12/2015 23:11

6 year old prefects? Since when? Who do they get to boss about - a bunch of 5 year olds? Heard it all now! Grin

starry0ne · 18/12/2015 23:12

We get some cheap certificate...I was most upset when my DS came home and asked if he wasn't healthy as his teacher had said the certificates were for the healthy children..My Ds at the time was off with Tonsillitis...

I do teach him nobody said life was fair.. I proudly put up his homework certificates and bin the odd 100 % certificate

For what it is worth OP... I don't think you YANBU that you feel she shouldn't lose a reward for something out of her control but the same as people with children off with D &V chicken pox , medical appointments..

I think YABU this,particularly this close to Christmas, to resolve her disappointment with a cash gift..

I hate them whether DS gets them or not.

myotherusernameisbetter · 18/12/2015 23:18

Tell her that sometimes schools give out certificates to say well done for things just in case Mummies and/or Daddies forget. You've remembered to tell her well done so she doesn't need to get a certificate from school this time.

abbieanders · 18/12/2015 23:36

So how can I manage this in future so DD will not be upset

Explain what's going on - that some children were lucky not to have been ill, illness isn't anyone's fault but sometimes these things happen and she may be luckier next term. But it's not a big deal, it's not any kind of punishment, it doesn't mean that she's done anything wrong and it's only a very tiny acknowledgement that some children were there all day, every day. Nothing more.

Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in their feelings about situations and instead of teaching them to shake it off, we validate their sense of injustice which isn't always the most productive response.

Original poster
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 18/12/2015 23:41

Thank you for the recommendation to solve this problem in future.

Sometimes a virtual slap can work wonders

OP posts:
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 18/12/2015 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Permanentlyexhausted · 18/12/2015 23:50

I don't get all the hand-wringing over attendance prizes. A prize for one person, even for something that is down to pure luck, is not a penalty for another person. It doesn't work that way and I'm amazed at the number of adults who seem to think it does.

I'm not sure that myotherusername's idea of lying to your children and suggesting that certificates are for those whose parents are in some way inadequate (i.e. forgotten to praise their children) is a good idea. Why make up such an elaborate story?

At our school you get entered into a prize draw for attendance. The better your attendance the more entries you get. I forget the exact numbers but something like 10 entries for 100% attendance down to 1 entry for 91% attendance. So the better the attendance the more chance of winning a prize but there are no guarantees.

myotherusernameisbetter · 18/12/2015 23:52

elaborate? Hmm

Permanentlyexhausted · 19/12/2015 00:01

I was being gentle with you. Ridiculous and unsustainable lie would be more accurate if you prefer. Smile

myotherusernameisbetter · 19/12/2015 00:04

aye well we can't all be perfect eh? Not a lie where I come from I can assure you. Some kids get nothing but criticism at home and a certificate from school really does rock their world.

Don't let me interrupt your oh so perfect life and your vast superiority though... why is this place so full of complete dickheads at the moment?

clary · 19/12/2015 00:13

Sometimes children who will never get anything else awarded to them, who will never achieve stellar or even impressive things academically, in sport or music, get an award just for keeping buggering on and turning up every single day. I think that's fine.

This. My DS1 never won any kind of prize at school (especially secondary) he is not brain of Britain, but he did go to school pretty much every day.

I work in secondary and some of you might be amazed at the numbers who are off - not because they are ill, sorry, but because they have an assessment, because they know they are in trouble for something, because they just never come in the last day of term... (all of these in the last week) - teaching the importance of actually being in school can't happen too early. I agree that those who have chronic health issues won't win an award, but in the same way unsporty kids won't be in the footy team. It doesn't mean the members of the team that won the cup don't deserve acknowledgement of that fact.

Busyworkingmum71 · 19/12/2015 00:18

One of our dc had won an award a couple of years ago at school (can't remember what for now) and the school wrote to us to tell us but asked us to keep it a secret as they wanted it to be a surprise. We didn't know when the award would be given, letter didn't say, but did say dc would come home with a letter, and we duly kept quiet, in on the secret and awaiting further info. A couple of weeks later dc came home and told us that there had been a full school assembly, lasting several hours with parents attending at which award had been presented. We knew nothing about it. Furious we contacted the school to ask why we're not informed and they said sorry, we should have had a second letter but somehow they had forgotten to send it. Dc was, as far as we could tell, the only child who received an award with no family there to witness it. Livid does not describe it.

Permanentlyexhausted · 19/12/2015 00:21

You don't handle it well when people disagree with your views, do you, myother?

It is a lie, wherever you come from, since the school does not give out prizes because parents forget to give praise.

I'm not sure where you got your ideas about my life from. Perhaps from the same psychic who tells the teachers which parents have forgotten to praise their children? However, I will be delighted not to be interrupted by you again, so thank you very much for that.

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