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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel crap about this

39 replies

Terrihat · 17/12/2015 21:12

Sitting here crying because this is the first year I can't afford to spoil my family at Christmas.
Before I went on maternity leave I loved buying my family nice Xmas presents, this year is my son's first Christmas and I can't afford to buy him what I want. I feel so bad, and so upset that I can't afford to spoil him.
i have bought him and my dp a few wee token gifts but I feel like I have let them down.

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 17/12/2015 21:17

For my son's first Christmas everything we bought him was from a Charity Shop. We could have spent £100's on him if we'd wanted to (he was 9 months) but it would have been absolutely pointless. They have no idea what's going on.

It is now DS's 2nd Christmas and I doubt very much we'll be spending much.

We buy him things all throughout the year, we take him out to nice places and make nice memories so I really don't care (and nor does he) that we aren't spending lots of money on him at such a young age just because it's the 25th of December. It's insane.

Please, please don't feel bad and dry your tears

Hygge · 17/12/2015 21:21

Your baby won't know and your family shouldn't care.

You haven't let anybody down.

Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Jo4040 · 17/12/2015 21:21

It's ONE day. Don't get your self in a tizz. Hi early it will soon be 26th December and you will look back and think... 'I got all worked up over...yesterday morning between the hours of 7am-9am (present opening time).

Don't worry, its not about presents

FatimaShitbread · 17/12/2015 21:22

My dc are 7 and 9. This is the first year I have been able to buy my family more than just token presents since they were born.. Last year I could only afford to buy my dsis a present that cost me a fiver . She didn't care, she has been there too. Just because I have a bit more spare cash this year, it won't make Christmas any better. It's very cheesy but I love the phrase "Christmas is about the presence, not the presents"

Jo4040 · 17/12/2015 21:23

Really sorry, that post doesn't make sence reading it back... But hopefully you get the just

notquitehuman · 17/12/2015 21:27

It doesn't matter how much you spend. You'll have a lovely first Christmas together. For my DS's first xmas he got second hand toys from us because we were so skint. Since then I've not brought him massive presents. To be honest, kids don't really notice until they're bigger, they just get excited by the whole thing.

Notimefortossers · 17/12/2015 21:39

It's my son's first christmas too. He'll be 1 at the end of Jan. But he is DC3. My older kids have loads of brand new presents and have been thoroughly spoilt. But I've spent about £25 on him and all second hand from facebook sale sites . . . because what's the point? He doesn't know!

All the adults you know will understand you're on maternity and it really shouldn't be about presents for grown ups anyway. My DH and I don't buy for each other at Christmas because it's such an expensive time of year and our money comes out of the same pot! My family has a present embargo where we only buy for children.

It's just one year OP, presumably next year you'll be off maternity and things will be better for you. Your son is NOT going to be traumatized by this!

Original poster

Terrihat · 17/12/2015 21:48

You guys being so nice is making me cry even more! Lol
I just started crying because I was telling dp how I seen something dsd had asked for and I couldt afford it, and it upset me to think that last year i could have bought her it. I know she won't care, she's not spoiled, but that just upset me. I would loved to have surprised her with it.
I think I am just being a bit hard on myself because my maternity pay stopped in September and I haven't brought any money in since then and I feel guilty.

OP posts:

Beth2511 · 17/12/2015 21:52

Last year dor DDs first christmas i barely moved off the sofa i was in so much pain from a c section let alone gifts or a huge meal... But we had an amazing day. We ate good old freezer comfort food with a huge tubbof ben and jerries, watched crap christmas tv and played board games as a family. Best christmas ever.

Use this year to start traditions, who cares about presents.

mintoil · 17/12/2015 21:55

Sorry if I have misunderstood OP, but do you mean you and DP collectively do not have enough money to have the Christmas you are used to, or do you mean you are being kept short of money.

You mention feeling "guilty" that you haven't brought in any money since maternity pay stopped.

Apologies if I have the wrong end of the stick but I am often surprised by posts on here from women whose partners seem to think their money is theirs and not for the whole family.

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 17/12/2015 21:58

Not to advocate debt, but could you buy her gift on credit card, and pay it back later? How much is the item?

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 17/12/2015 21:58

Have you tried Gumtree?

90sforever · 17/12/2015 21:59

I guess if OP is on maternity leave their income is pretty much halved so there isn't as much in the pot?

OP, my DH is exactly like
You. I know it's not about the material things or money but using that to "buy" a great Xmas and celebrate your first one. It's so important to you that you feel awful it can't happen exactly as you see it.

I don't have much advice as I know it's not easy to get out of (I have a theory with DH it's a sort of misplaced anxiety about other things)

Original poster

Terrihat · 17/12/2015 22:01

Sorry I have probably worded this badly, I physically had the money, but we are on a budget, otherwise we will be short for rent, council tax etc.
Mintoil all our money goes together but I use a bit of my savings for Xmas presents etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Terrihat · 17/12/2015 22:04

90s I have very bad anxiety, especially at the moment with money being tight. We are in a better position than lots and lots if people, we are not poor, but it's a huge adjustment and I probably have put a lot of pressure on myself to provide a great Christmas if that makes sense?

OP posts:

teenagetantrums · 17/12/2015 22:06

My kids got nothing from us for the first Christmas, they got presents from other family and friends, babies dont care about Christmas, or to be honest about most toys. Your family will understand just tell them you cant afford it, in our family we only buy presents for children, and a token gift for adults to open.

mintoil · 17/12/2015 22:09

OK, I understand OP. Just think though what you have done for your family - you have given them your darling baby and we all know that babies bring love with them. There really is not a greater gift you could have given.

Sit back and give yourself a break this year. Honestly, you sound lovely.

knobblyknee · 17/12/2015 22:14

My son is in his twenties now and we talked about this the other day. I had no money when he was little and worked so bloody hard to find great things we could do.
What he can remember is;
He liked all the museums.
There was a really good adventure playground somewhere.
The xmas his uncle gave him a multi pack of Quavers and they were all his.

8 years, 8 years of my bloody life I slaved to find affordable stuff we could do and his best bit was feeding the squirrels in the park and having a Mr Whippy.

Original poster

Terrihat · 17/12/2015 22:17

Mintoil that's what dp keeps saying to me, that I have given him a gorgeous baby boy and he doesn't need anything else.
That makes me feel better

OP posts:

Original poster

Terrihat · 17/12/2015 22:19

knobblyknee that is so sweet and lovely and funny all at the same time.

OP posts:

Grace1467 · 17/12/2015 22:21

Don't feel crap

Your friends and family will understand and your DS won't notice he's so young. I had many years on a very tight budget. I was lucky to get a bit of cash when DD was 6 I had a really lavish Christmas (by our standards wasn't a fortune). DD hated it she behaved like a brat and was completely overwhelmed and retreated to bed. Then when she appreciated her presents she had no interests in the expensive gifts but adored a doll from the pound shop.

Allthatnonsense · 17/12/2015 22:22

Memories of Christmas are always about the people and the traditions, not the extravagant gifts. Don't be sad about what is essentially unimportant, put your energy into making those Christmas family traditions that your son will treasure.

woodwaj · 17/12/2015 22:24

Terri I am on mat leave and nil pay. It sucks but I'm spending every second with my boy that I can because I won't get this time again! I don't know what dp has got me but I'd be so happy with a framed pic of my boy to put on my desk when I go back to work. Simple things are the best

RB68 · 17/12/2015 22:25

you gave him your time and your presence please don't feel you have to overload him with plastic tut to make him happy. One or two new to him toys is fine. Several Christmas' we didn't buy DD anything much as I have several siblings and the grandparents went a bit mad so I don't worry about it now.

phoenixrose314 · 17/12/2015 22:26

In a similar position this year. My son's nursery fees are a huge drain on us financially and we're just about to buy our house (a very expensive business indeed) so we're low on funds.

I found an easel at the end of the road I work that was going to be thrown out, a little grubby but nothing a good clean wouldn't fix - I asked the owners if they would mind if I took it and they said they were quite happy for me to have it. He will love painting and chalking on that whenever he likes! We ordered him some cheap wooden trains from China to go with his wooden track (he will be over the moon with them and they only cost £1.50ish each). I have made a little photo album of all the things we did when we went to Thomas Land for his birthday that he can look through whenever he likes (laminated pages!). He has a five pound Thomas book to add to his ever growing collection (Mummy is getting bored of the ones we have!). And last but not least I have made him a cardboard Thomas the Tank Engine that he can sit in. Nothing spectacular but I have a feeling that this, totally free, gift will probably be the biggest hit.

There you go, Christmas for under £20 and my son will LOVE it.

Be kind to yourself - I suffer with anxiety too. Big hugs x x x x x

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