Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Mothers should be honest about birth?

279 replies

TheHouseOnTheLane · 17/12/2015 14:28

To other women who've not gone through it yet? There's so much

"Oh it's different for everyone"

And shilly shallying about around the subject.

I guess a tiny minority DO have "easy" or even pleasant experiences of birth but all the women I know were traumatized and horrified and in agony.

This was inspired by another thread. Sorry if I'm offending anyone as I know it's an emotive subject.

But my own experience was that dreadful I don't think I COULD lie if another woman asked me directly. Yet some people seem to be all coy about this fact.

OP posts:
lostInTheWash · 17/12/2015 16:40

I don't know one of my friends or my sisters who had a good birth. They were all horrible. Prolonged, lots of intervention and scariness.

Is it related to your area? A particular hospital or set of MW?

If it's related to the one chat with woman in France - I didn't lie or downplay on that thread.

I do know people who did have bad births but certainly not the number you seem to be suggesting.

FluffyPersian · 17/12/2015 16:41

I know I've got an abnormal phobia of childbirth, but I find it absolutely amazing that any woman who is pregnant with her first child or us thinking about children could read this thread and NOT run to their Consultant and beg them for an ELCS.

I think honesty is best, but by being honest and being present for my sister's birth throughout which was horrific, there is no way on earth I will ever give birth vaginally - It won't happen... tearing. .. stitches. .. pain like you wouldn't believe... ventouse... forceps... prolapse... it's just too horrific Sad

I'm currently saving up a 'maternity fund' so I can have a private ELCS as I don't think the NHS take phobia of childbirth seriously enough. It's so much money but the way I see it, it will stop me experiencing 9 months of being scared to death of having to give birth without any control as to what happens.

I seriously wish I could swap heads with 'normal' women... but reading threads like this make me more certain I'm doing the right thing for me and my body.

skyeskyeskye · 17/12/2015 16:41

rapid I told my midwife if I had a gun I would have shot myself to make it stop too.

I had an awful back to back labour with an epidural that stopped working half way through and vowed never to go through that again, and I haven't. But every birth IS different and every woman's pain threshold is different.

I think that most women have a general idea that it could be painful, however describing the actual pain is difficult. I couldn't even explain it to the midwife at the time, I just knew that I was in agony and would do anything to make it go away.

kickassangel · 17/12/2015 16:41

It can vary so much that it's hard to know what to say. If someone wants to know, they'll probably ask, and listen. Others will just tune out if they don't want to hear.

I worked with two women who were best friends and had their first kids less than a year apart. One woman said that she'd had worse hangovers, the other one very nearly died, and thank god for modern medicine. They both had very similar lifestyles, fitness, diet, age etc.

What I found harder was the fact that even though there have been many babies in my extended family, once I was pregnant I was then told all the 'you'll leak at both ends' type comments about pregnancy. Until I got pregnant it was all kept a secret.

I did have one friend (never having kids) say that she'd had bad tooth ache one time so she thought child birth would be a bit like that. So I did tell her that it's possible to black out just from pain alone.

wafflerinchief · 17/12/2015 16:41

i can see Op's point though - I don't think in my circle of oooh, 50 women I know personally I've got any that had a very straightforward birth - but a lot of my friends were older mums like me so I've got an unrepresentative collection of c-section stories. That's why it comes back to better stats - decent statistics on type of birth, birth interventions and post-birth complications are so hard to find for such a common experience!

LumelaMme · 17/12/2015 16:41

Well, yeah, it hurts like buggery, especially when the baby crowns, but it's not a scary pain: you know why it's hurting. Once the baby was out, I felt sore, but I also felt triumphant.

I had four vaginal deliveries, no forceps, nothing but gas and air for three of them. No way was I traumatised or horrified, but like a PP I had read loads beforehand. I was expecting pain, and was resigned to having a section if I absolutely needed one. If any body asks me how my births went, I tell them.

AliceJennifer23 · 17/12/2015 16:42

I'm 15 weeks pregnant and haven't asked or requested information about anyones previous births, I'm going to do my own research and find out things for myself and hope for the best, it's going to happen one way or another so I'd rather stay positive.

Quite a few friends have tried to tell me their horror stories, or friends who don't have children have said negative things about it but I just don't respond to them. It seems really insensitive and I don't understand the point of sharing the information, or what they hope to get in response.

LumelaMme · 17/12/2015 16:42

Oh, and Waffler, yes, I agree about stats: they should all be easily available.

Meatycankles · 17/12/2015 16:43

I wish I'd been more prepared for how awful the postnatal ward was. That was quite upsetting when you are feeling vulnerable.
I'm sure most midwives are lovely, but some ive encountered were pretty awful tbh, and could be very unkind, verging on bullying.
I had a home birth for my last baby as I didn't much fancy being stuck there again.

lostInTheWash · 17/12/2015 16:47

But then there's people like my MIL who told me she birthed DH in 90 mins start to finish and it was easy, and expected me to be the same because it was her Ds' sperm.

My MIL was the same - same reasoning she had a terrible early birth so mine would be the same Hmm.

I looked towards my own mother - she said inductions made her's worse but then I've met mothers who said being induced didn't do that to them- said it wasn't great experience but not worst of her life.

Met one woman who's entire family had quick easy births - her was 24 hour nightmare thanks to baby being back to back. She told me this as I was pg with third and saying as I had two straightforward ones I was hoping third would be same - despite MW dire predictions as they were anti HB. Third was lucky straightforward - as MW took forever to turn up and didn't come close to making birth.

AnyoneButSanta · 17/12/2015 16:49

Here you go. 3.8% have a third or fourth degree tear on first birth.

Now maybe I wasn't paying attention but I went to two separate ante natal courses and neither of them told me that tears come in degrees or that they go up to four.

cranberryx · 17/12/2015 16:49

I gave birth to my DS three weeks ago, and honestly it was an amazing experience. I haven't really gone around gloating about it simply because I know what can go wrong.

DP and I went in with no real plan, and to take everything as it came. He was back to back and I had 3 days of contractions and got sent home as I "wasn't contracting" on the third day they did a VE and found I actually was, and was 3cm dilated but the Toko wasn't picking it up as he was back to back.

I had an amazing midwife, good pain relief, and my partner was bloody amazing and supportive too. I did have tearing and abrasions, and honestly someone else could have the exact experience I did and find it horrible, every woman views labour differently. Mine could have been horrible if not for the amazing midwives on the delivery suite that trusted me to know my own body and mind and kept my informed and involved of every decision my care.

lostInTheWash · 17/12/2015 16:52

I wish I'd been more prepared for how awful the postnatal ward was. That was quite upsetting when you are feeling vulnerable.

That was one reason had HB - experiencing postnatal ward with first.

AryaOfWinterfell · 17/12/2015 16:55

I haven't rtft but all of my births were amazing experiences. So much so that I feel sad at the thought I'll never go though it again.

That doesn't mean it wasn't painful, that doesn't mean it wasn't traumatic at times. Dd1 was very short very painful labour, Dd2 unexpectedly stillborn at 40wks and dd3 needed to be induced early and then stopped breathing and needed resuscitation.

When people have asked me in the past about my births I do say that they were painful but also glorious and the best experiences of my life.

What should I say?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 17/12/2015 17:01

I did hypnobirthing and planned a homebirth. I was very relaxed and positive about childbirth. Then I developed HELLP and had an EMCS 4 weeks early. I dislike the idea that how things go is all about mindset

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 17/12/2015 17:01

It seems really insensitive and I don't understand the point of sharing the information, or what they hope to get in response.

I totally agree with this.

Sadik · 17/12/2015 17:07

" a lot of my friends were older mums like me so I've got an unrepresentative collection of c-section stories."

I think you're right, it's very dependent on who you know. I had a perfectly easy straightforward birth (at home, no pain relief, not particularly long), and know plenty of people the same. What we shared was horror stories of non-sleeping babies! Frankly, giving birth was the easy bit Grin

FunkyPeacock · 17/12/2015 17:07

YABU - I doubt many first time mothers expect childbirth to be pain free but what is the point in expecting the worst?

I know women who had easy & difficult births and several who have ended up with a CS for whatever reason but don't known anyone IRL who was genuinely traumatised by the experience (although I'm not denying that can happen).

Majority of women, including myself seem to forget the pain fairly quickly and the thought of childbirth in no way affected my decisions about having further DC

Yes, it's bloody painful but for the majority of women it is relatively complication free and I can't see any benefit in forcing expectant Mums to listen to horror stories about the minority

SettlinginNicely · 17/12/2015 17:07

I had two easy, straight forward births. That's me, telling the truth. I appreciate that other women have had harrowing experiences, but if I were to tell the truth that's all I could say.

I think you want to prepare women for what may happen, but you don't want to scare them either.

I personally feel that husbands on hand are not all that helpful (mine was there both times, bless him.) I would have preferred an older woman, who had given birth a few times that I trusted there with me. A man is about as useful as a fork in a sugar bowl.

Siwi · 17/12/2015 17:08

It's awkward admitting to a pain free labour.
Best keep quiet so not to annoy.

Siwi · 17/12/2015 17:09

Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Also, have big feet.

BoboChic · 17/12/2015 17:11

It hurts like hell but giving birth without pain relief is an interesting experience that adds to the wealth of experiences of being human. You feel much better right afterwards and you get a really lovely present!

Owllady · 17/12/2015 17:13

No one has ever talked about it in my family and I don't talk about it to my friends! :o
Maybe it's because I don't have a babby anymore, but I can't remember talking about it all anyway.
They were more obsessed with how much weight I'd put on and how much I had to lose Confused

camelfinger · 17/12/2015 17:16

I was clued up, hypnobirthed up and armed with a tens machine. It just really really hurt (back to back). It wasn't scary, just really painful with no end in sight. Gas and air just felt like air, and the tens machine was just an irritating buzz. It felt much better with an epidural and finally an emcs. Second time it was a civilised Elcs thankfully. I agree that the postnatal ward is hell on earth. I wouldn't go on about it to anyone unless they prompted but would be honest. If it had gone swimmingly I'd probably be quite smug about it and claim it was down to my positive attitude and hypnobirthing techniques, when it would probably have been just luck.

BondJayneBond · 17/12/2015 17:17

It is different for every woman though.

Honestly, I wasn't traumatized by giving birth. I wasn't horrified. It hurt, yes, of course it did, but apart from the very last bit before it was time to push, it didn't feel unmanageable.

DS1 was back to back. DS2 was induced. Both my labours were relatively quick, with no pain relief greater than gas and air.

I remember thinking as I looked at new born DS1 that it hadn't been anywhere near as bad as everyone said, and that I wouldn't mind going through labour again. I found the sleep deprivation a new born baby causes much harder than I did labour.

I did ask for an epidural with DS2, as the doctors were talking about an emcs due to things going too slowly, and I figured that I might as well get the epidural over with. But there turned out not to be time for that - I went from 2cm, when the prospect of an emcs was raised, to DS2 being born in about 45 mins. The anaesthetist turned up to give me the epidural as the midwife was weighing DS2.

Most birth stories I've heard though, don't reflect my experience of childbirth as relatively straightforward and okay overall (despite the physical pain). Most of the birth stories I hear women volunteering are the horror stories. An amazing number of those came out of the woodwork when I was expecting DS1. So I really don't get how anyone could get to labour and think it's fine for everyone.