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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Mothers should be honest about birth?

279 replies

TheHouseOnTheLane · 17/12/2015 14:28

To other women who've not gone through it yet? There's so much

"Oh it's different for everyone"

And shilly shallying about around the subject.

I guess a tiny minority DO have "easy" or even pleasant experiences of birth but all the women I know were traumatized and horrified and in agony.

This was inspired by another thread. Sorry if I'm offending anyone as I know it's an emotive subject.

But my own experience was that dreadful I don't think I COULD lie if another woman asked me directly. Yet some people seem to be all coy about this fact.

OP posts:
Rafterplease · 17/12/2015 16:13

I rarely talk about my birth as I, too, hypnobirthed and it was really easy, no painkillers etc. I have a pathological fear of appearing smug so I just don't say anything to anyone. Except to women who are pregnant as I think it might cheer them up a bit! Even then I am wary as, like others, I'd hate them to think I think it's all in the mind (which I absolutely don't - some babies are in difficult positions, others aren't, for example).

Rafterplease · 17/12/2015 16:14

Ava - I enjoyed it too and also felt it was a bit like doing a marathon or something. You can't say that aloud in normal company though!!!

Ta1kinPeace · 17/12/2015 16:14

Kaytee
Entonox is fab - enjoy that bit at least Grin

The only advice I would ever give to an expectant mum is that you cannot believe how tired you'll get so be willing to drink undiluted squash from the bottle to give you energy

and afterwards enjoy this amazing thing you have created as it will never look that small and fragile again 15 year old DS is a rugby player now

The pain is part of the gain.

LittleLionMansMummy · 17/12/2015 16:16

Tigs my mum just sort of smiled wistfully and said "if the pain was that bad the world would be full of only children - but I went on to have two more!" I love my mum for her wisdom, itv really settled my nerves.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/12/2015 16:16

I do think women should have some idea of what birth is like. I felt quite angry on behalf of the young women next to me on the post natal ward when I was having DS2. She was quite young and nervous and clearly had had no idea what to expect (she later told me this herself) she was in the delivery suite at the same time as me and she was screaming the place down - I could hear her in my delivery room. I know it was her because she also told me she was so scared she started screaming. Somebody should have given her a basic idea of what to expect. She had female family members visiting so I'm sure someone could have had a proper chat with her.

museumum · 17/12/2015 16:17

The only truthful answer is that it is different for everybody and every birth.

I had a pretty easy time. At home to 8cm then pool at mlu till last push when there was a bit of a scare but over quickly and nothing wrong in the end. No real damage.
But.... If you say that to a pregnant first timer then you're often accused of lying or glossing over by people who had a terrible time.
It is just different each time.

SoWhite · 17/12/2015 16:17

I actively enjoyed giving birth. It hurt, but it was a fantastic pain. I'd give birth to DD2 particularly everyday of my life.

I was standing up, and I could feel every movement as she was delivered. So in control, so calm, almost out of body.

Maybe it is smug to talk about this, and I should just shrug off the question with a more vague answer.

FourForYouGlenCoco · 17/12/2015 16:18

I think if anything, women need more preparation for the stuff after birth. Not so much the bf/ff as that's been done to death, but the change in family dynamics, coping strategies for tiredness, easy days out when you're at your wit's end, etc. I had an anal fissure and the pain was infinitely worse than labour, and I wasn't prepared and had no idea what it was! Bloody wish someone had told me THAT might happen and what to do about it Confused

Focusfocus · 17/12/2015 16:20

I agree. I say this about mine -

It was 35 hours long, back to back twisted inside me without dilating for 32 hours on no pain relief. I have never known such pain. And then I gave birth, using all my hypnobirthing and gas and air, kneeling upright, bold and strong, after a 35 hour labour and birthed him consciously clearly and as upright as I could ever be. It was the worst pain ever. And I enjoyed birthing him.

SparklyTinselTits · 17/12/2015 16:21

With regards to the birth itself, I think there's enough varying information out there for first time mums to get a good understanding of the ins and outs of it all.
I was surprised at the lack of information about immediately after the birth. There's stuff on the NHS website about what goes on with the baby immediately after, but not so much the mum. My DD was born, and I had no idea what to expect afterwards. I knew I would have an injection to deliver the placenta, but other than the injection, I had no idea about all the pushing and pulling the MW would do etc.
I think it's good that first time mums have access to both good and bad birth stories so they understand that it doesn't work the same way for everyone. I only seemed to hear bad stories, but my birth experience was great and relatively easy - a pleasant surprise compared to the horror and carnage I was expecting!

AllMyBestFriendsAreMetalheads · 17/12/2015 16:22

Like a PP, I had easy births, with no tearing or pain relief other than gas and air (only one birth). It was great, I perhaps wouldn't go as far as enjoyable but it certainly wasn't a bad experience.

BUT, I very rarely tell people this. When you're with a group of women, each discussing their often painful birth stories, it doesn't feel right to say that mine were easy, in case I come across as smug or judgemental. Sometimes it feels that people think I believe everyone's birth should be easy, which obviously isn't the case.

We3KingyOfOblomovAre · 17/12/2015 16:22

I do believe this is a problem. The preparation, going to an ante-natal class is so twee and namby-'pamby', I think it's wrong.
I seriously think it's very wrong and we are doing a dis-service to women.
If we were more open, more open about how hard it is after birth aswell, this sound be better.

rosaeva · 17/12/2015 16:23

My births were all easy in sense that I was out and about next day. I have forgotten any pain and did practically instantly. That is surely why people keep doing it over and over!

ghostspirit · 17/12/2015 16:23

my births have got easyer with each birth baby 1 i had epidural as i could not handle the pain. simlar with baby 2. baby 3 was bit faster and did not have time for anything. but that was a good birth. child 4 was fast i was on my own at home...that was ace. child 5 at home gas and air.

it is true that every birth is different. if i went on my first birth i would be saying its the worst pain i have ever felt in my life... but if i went with the last i would say its a walk in the park.

minw ere all straight forward births. some peoples are not so peoples experience will be different

Nicky333 · 17/12/2015 16:24

Oh God.

But thanks for the honesty ladies.

Tigs0609 · 17/12/2015 16:27

Little lion- Haha! My mum said something along the lines of 'if it was that bad, nobody would have anymore children after their first' - Very true!

It hurts. but it's inevitable at the end of the day, the baby's going to come out one way or another! I also didn't bother with a birth plan, I didn't want to have any expectations. I was in early labour from 1am in the morning. Finally went to the hospital at around dinner time, waited an hour to be examined (I was 7cm) and had DS at 4.25pm. It was definitely worth it!

I also agree with Fourfor, I had no idea what happened after birth or during the first few weeks. I was completely clueless. My stitches took an hour and half to complete and the pain was probably worse than labour! Confused

WorraLiberty · 17/12/2015 16:28

I guess a tiny minority DO have "easy" or even pleasant experiences of birth but all the women I know were traumatized and horrified and in agony.

Seriously? Shock

All the women you know were traumatised, horrified and in agony?

I can honestly only think of about 2 people I know, who have described their births like that.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 17/12/2015 16:29

I don't blame women for either telling, or not telling, their own personal birth stories - I get very annoyed that the NHS seems to have very air-brushed information on birth and the side effects and the effects of different options.

I can get really angry about it, actually - they'd never accept such poor standards of information or care for that matter for any other group of patients, but for some reason pregnant women are expected to quite literally grit their teeth and get on with it.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 17/12/2015 16:31

Ds3 was an 'easy' birth although k was worried about it being a VBAC.

Contractions started at 12 midday.
I had him at 3.55 pm , no tearing at all and on gas and air alone.

Boasty and smug? yes if it wants to be viewed as such but it's a thread where the OP has claimed 'only a tiny' percentage of women enjoy an easy birth, some can dispute that opinion.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 17/12/2015 16:33

*I, not k.

ricketytickety · 17/12/2015 16:33

no point scaring the shit out of someone because it will make their labour fearful and it doesn't need to be, it really is true that some are better than others. Some have great pain relief. Some have quick labours. Some have no complications. It's something you should prepare for realistically but calmly.

OneofTHOSEWomen · 17/12/2015 16:33

The pain and trauma (for some) of giving birth is nothing compared to the lifetime of low level anxiety and worry about the future I have for my children. Having children changes your life. I am a completely different person to the person I was before I had kids, I wish someone had told me about that. I can come with short term physical pain, it's all the other stuff that doesn't get talked about I wish I'd known.

RapidlyOscillating · 17/12/2015 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babybat · 17/12/2015 16:36

What would be the point in telling a pregnant woman about your traumatic experience? Your pain can't help her prepare for her delivery, and the baby has to be born one way or the other.

I do feel that some of the NHS information particularly around interventions when things go wrong should be more honest before birth - given the chance to properly discuss the implications of things like forceps delivery, episiotomies etc, this should be done antenatally, not at the point of delivery. It's very hard to give properly informed consent in labour! But if you've had a traumatic labour, surely the best thing you can do is encourage other women to seek support post-birth rather than just scare them?

PurpleThermalsNowItsWinter · 17/12/2015 16:39

I was scared of giving birth but loved being pregnant. I'm always honest but in a jokey way about my body not working properly after having 2 DC in less than 2 years and their respective births (no pregnant woman wants to talk about 4th degree tears).

But then there's people like my MIL who told me she birthed DH in 90 mins start to finish and it was easy, and expected me to be the same because it was her Ds' sperm. Hmm