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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Mothers should be honest about birth?

279 replies

TheHouseOnTheLane · 17/12/2015 14:28

To other women who've not gone through it yet? There's so much

"Oh it's different for everyone"

And shilly shallying about around the subject.

I guess a tiny minority DO have "easy" or even pleasant experiences of birth but all the women I know were traumatized and horrified and in agony.

This was inspired by another thread. Sorry if I'm offending anyone as I know it's an emotive subject.

But my own experience was that dreadful I don't think I COULD lie if another woman asked me directly. Yet some people seem to be all coy about this fact.

OP posts:
Ta1kinPeace · 17/12/2015 15:44

YABU

A scratched cornea hut more than having either of my kids.

HackerFucker22 · 17/12/2015 15:45

Eta whilst I had good births and a good labour 2nd time, never would I say it was "easy"... It wasn't. It was fucking hard and not something I'd be in a hurry to ever do again. Yet it wasn't awful. It was empowering and amazing whilst being gruelling and painful.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/12/2015 15:46

One of the best things that was said to me was by someone who is much more on the earth mother end of the scale usually, it was along the lines of "don't try to build up too much of an idea of what your perfect birth is going to be because giving birth is unpredictable and there is nothing you can do about that."

moggle · 17/12/2015 15:46

OP says she knows no-one who didn't have a horrific experience; I'm the other side of the average I guess as in the months after giving birth to DD I met lots of new mums and none who described their birth experience as horrific. Yes some had long labours; some had EMCS, one of my NCT group was in labour for 50 hours and had every intervention going and avoided a EMCS by a whisker; her son had suspected viral meningitis when born and they were in hospital for 10 days. But when she talks about it she doesn't use words like horrific or terrifying and a year later they are trying for another. Some people might think mine was bad as on the face of it I had an episiotomy and needed ventouse at the end but overall it was a good birth - relatively quick and I didn't need pain relief apart from TENS.

Sorry OP but just as your experiences and those of your friends and family colour your view of labour and birth and make you feel it's horrific for most women, my experiences colour my view ... can't you see that proves it IS different for everyone? I agree personally stories purely about how much it hurts are kind of pointless to someone who's already pregnant, better to talk about any strategies that helped with the pain, what helped you cope, at what stage should you ask for an epidural if you want one, etc.

If people want to know how it feels I make sure I say "for me it was like this... for me it felt like this..." No point giving your experiences as gospel.

CheesyNachos · 17/12/2015 15:47

I had a deadful birth. I say when asked that I found it quite hard but had some underlying health issues that made it more difficult and that others would probably not find the same. I think that is fair enough.

Strokethefurrywall · 17/12/2015 15:47

I had a 4 hour hypnobirth with DS1, with just a small episiotomy and with DS2 had a 6 hour epidural birth, no tearing.

Both births were lovely. But pain levels in both were different. The level of discomfort I was feeling at 4cm with DS2, I wasn't feeling until 9cms with DS1. It was midnight so I requested an epidural so I could sleep.

I told myself with both births that I have no problem with pain. I can cope with pain, it's a total physiological response and the more I relax, the less painful it will be. But if the pain tips over into suffering, that's when I'll call for pain relief. I thankfully didn't suffer at all with either of mine and would happily give birth any day of the week.

But I was very surprised at how different both my labors were. I am grateful to live in a place where a request for pain relief is met immediately and none of my friends suffered horrific births, although they had different levels of pain - even friends that had emcs don't consider their births traumatic or horrendous and I can only assume this is down to having a consistently good birthing team/OBGYN who listen, encourage and attempt to give you a positive experience.

Afterpains though. I wish someone had told me about afterpains. Now those were horrific.

When people ask me about my experiences I will tell them in a matter of fact way, but am very wary not to sound smug. I would never in a million years terrify a new mother with a less than positive experience. Other than saying "yes it hurts, of course it hurts. But there is a difference between pain and suffering. Humans are built to withstand a level of pain so try not to panic, keep breathing deeply to send oxygen to those muscles, stay focused and this can help." I try to at least offer some positivity along with being honest.

var123 · 17/12/2015 15:50

The night before I had DS1, I was admitted to the ante-natal ward at the hospital for observation.
Sometime in the early hours I got out of bed and wandered up the corridor looking for the loos. I pushed open a set of double doors and heard a woman pleading with the midwife not do "it" followed by a blood curdling scream (the like of which Hollywood horror moviemakers can only dream of). That was the moment that I realised all those sterile NCT ante natal classes were a heavily airbrushed version of reality.
You don't know how someone else's birth will go. You don't even know how your next one will go. So, there's no point scaring other pregnant women with your own horror stories.

Pranmasghost · 17/12/2015 15:53

Mine were genuinely easy. Not pain free exactly but I've had worse with constipation!
Dc1 (1970) I was in labour for 22 hours had some pethidine after 10 hours as it was middle of night then slept for 6 hours. Second stage ( pushing) was only 20 minutes and 3 pushes.
Dc2 (1974) was total of 8 hours, no pain relief needed at all. Again a very short second stage.
I did use breathing exercises from a book called The New Childbirth by Erna Wright.

Ta1kinPeace · 17/12/2015 15:53

Its also the point that unlike any other pain, you then get a child out of the experience
which leads to decades of having a whingeing pain or two roaming around the house
My two grunting teens were worth every minute of it

even though one of them was who scratched my cornea Grin

toffeeboffin · 17/12/2015 15:56

About contractions : they are a natural, muscular pain.

It's not as if you have been burned or stabbed or something so to me that pain isn't really comparable. To me it wasn't that bad because it felt muscular and natural, rather like a reverse orgasm. Not pleasant but not horrifically bad.

Anyone else find that?

I can't comment on labor etc as I had a section.

wafflerinchief · 17/12/2015 16:01

i did find the natural contractions with dd2 the easiest bit - it was more the undercarriage damage that got me down a bit pp and mine's not particularly bad. dd1 was drip contractions and they were much worse for me

MrsDeVere · 17/12/2015 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kaytee1987 · 17/12/2015 16:02

Didn't want to read the rest of the thread, am 8+4 with my first and now a bit terrified Grin don't expect it to be pleasant but if it's uncomplicated I would hope it wouldn't traumatise me either, now I'm not so sure.

splendide · 17/12/2015 16:02

I would describe my contractions as uncomfortable but not really painful except a weird pain down the front of my thighs. Definitely more like a sort of aching pressure than a terrible pain, as Toffee said. I'll tell people my birth was easy if they ask but I wouldn't volunteer it as I wouldn't want to be smug. I enjoyed giving birth but found having a newborn really awful and stressful!

LittleLionMansMummy · 17/12/2015 16:05

I'm always honest but people don't believe that for me it was a fantastic experience. I mean of course it's like moving (or passing) a mountain and is called 'labour' for a reason, but I genuinely loved it and dh and I had quite a good laugh throughout and still giggle about me giving birth with my head stuck in a bean bag. I didn't sleep for over 48 hours which I found the hardest part but the physical pain is not something I dwell on because it's so positive. I realise I had an easier time than many though and some people have really traumatic births. But i have no intention of scaring mums to be half to death with gory details. It wasn't what I needed to hear in my third trimester as I was scared shitless about child birth already so why would I inflict that on someone else?

Laquila · 17/12/2015 16:05

If this thread shows anything it's that no two birth experiences are the same, and that people experience and deal with pain in different ways. Therefore YABU, OP, in expecting eveyone to give horrific gory accounts of lengthy trauma, mainly because that's just not how it is for everyone.

Tigs0609 · 17/12/2015 16:06

When I was pregnant, I begged my mum to tell me about labour. I felt as though if she told me how bad it could be, I would be able to mentally prepare myself. However, whenever I asked her, she just said that the pain was unlike anything she had ever felt before, yet bearable as it was only for a few minutes at a time. She refused to divulge anymore, and told me not to worry because I would be able to handle the pain and I would be fine.

Now, usually I have quite a high pain threshold. I didn't admit this to anyone whilst I was pregnant, as I didn't want to say that and then find labour unbearable. I wouldn't say I was shocked about how much pain I was in during labour (though the gas and air made me feel better!), but I was surprised that I was constantly in pain even when I wasn't having a contraction (granted, the pain wasn't as intense). I was also shocked that all the pain I had was in my back.

Everyone's experiences are different. Everyone handles pain differently, and everyone's ideas of what it horrific and what is not are different. It definitely wasn't like anything I expected. That being said, it was bearable to a degree (not that there was another option at that point, my DS was going to be born either way, so I couldn't do much about it).

Spudlet · 17/12/2015 16:07

As someone waiting to go into labour -YABU. I can't think of anything that would be less helpful to me right now than a load of horror stories. It would be incredibly selfish, I think, of anyone to start trying to scare someone in my position right now.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 17/12/2015 16:07

Kaytee, go in with an open mind, don't rule out anything to make the birth easier and take the drugs😉.

megletthesecond · 17/12/2015 16:07

Yanbu.

Heatherplant · 17/12/2015 16:09

To be fair I thought it was going to be the worst experience of my life and actually it wasn't all that bad. I'm happy enough to go through it again!

Thurlow · 17/12/2015 16:09

I suspect with childbirth threads, they mainly attract posters who had 'rougher' births and they are the ones who post.

Skews the perspective.

Same way if you relied purely on MN threads for what childrens behaviour will be like, the majority of babies never sleep, most toddlers refuse to eat anything that is not beige, most kids spend their preschool years tantruming, and most teenagers go off the rails.

Sadly people only come and talk or ask questions about the bad stuff!

ollieplimsoles · 17/12/2015 16:10

Was it Micheal Odent who said 'if you want a good birth, stop worrying about it'

I gave birth 7 weeks ago, practised hypnobirthing during pregnancy and just tried to enjoy every moment as much as possible. I had so many people trying to knock me off my post and tell me I would have this awful experience, I wasn't interested in hearing their stories but that didn't stop them from telling me them.

When it came down to it I had a fantastic birth, I was induced (something I was terrified of thanks to peoples stories) but it was natural, only had gas and air and I actually enjoyed the whole experience. I loved the look on peoples faces when I told them how brilliant my experience was. I probably did appear smug but I don't care, they were nasty and tried to scare me- they were all wrong.

I would never try to scare a first time mum, I would tell her what helped me in pg and labour- relax, go with it, trust your body and at the end (and it does end) you get a baby.

toomuchtooold · 17/12/2015 16:12

I had twins so its all a bit different but tbh the bit I wish people had been more warts and all about was the 4 months following the birth. I had a 24h labour with ventouse.and a back to back with twin 1 so it wasn't a walk in the park but it was a piece of piss compared to looking after them in the early days.

AvaCrowder · 17/12/2015 16:13

It is different for everybody, isn't it?

I enjoyed the experience overall, like going on a bike ride up a hill. Hard but a great physical challenge.

I'd rather experience that again than the first six weeks of breastfeeding my first baby.