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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this shit or am I precious?!

106 replies

Grace1467 · 17/12/2015 09:29

DD 14 has secret Santa in her tutor group (there are only 10 in each group). DD went out at the weekend and picked a nice gift for her secret Santa. Anyhow they did it yesterday and they all handed out their gifts. DD didn't get handed one the tutor then said (in an apparently bitchy voice according to DD) "oh oops I forgot to put your name in the hat". So she sat and watched everyone else open theirs then cried in the toilets on the phone to me for ages.

I know this could have been a genuine mistake but DD is convinced this teacher hates her already and I'm slightly heartbroken for her. I know if it had been me I'd have felt a bit miffed as well.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 17/12/2015 12:24

That is really awful of the teacher - what on earth made an adult and experienced teacher think that was an appropriate way to behave? As others have said, it just doesn't stack up - Secret Santas are hard to get that wrong.

Wolef - what a lovely thing to offer to do, that actually brought a lump to my throat Smile

BooyakaTurkeyisMassive · 17/12/2015 12:26

It couldn't just have got stuck in the bag. One pupil would have got no name and that would be unnoticeable.

Shirkingfromhome · 17/12/2015 12:26

It is odd that the teacher didn't count the presents, it's a basic task of secret Santa and counting 10 presents isn't exactly hard.

If it has been organised through school and someone can't afford / forgot to buy one than the school / teacher should have a back-up. I agree that you can't call bullying but you can raise concerns as to how it was handled.

Does your dd's teacher have any experience of working with hf asd / anxiety (aside from your dd)? Perhaps they are not aware of the repercussions of something like this.

GiraffesAndButterflies · 17/12/2015 12:29

Was one of the group off sick when they drew names? I can imagine that kid then being confused but way too embarrassed to say that they hadn't bought a present.

Obviously that in no way excuses the teacher for a) not making sure everyone had a name and b) handling the end situation so badly.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/12/2015 12:30

Aww bless you SDTG, you are the loveliest of people!

I know that the OP's DD having ASD/anxiety makes it worse, but I wouldn't focus on that so much in this scenario - I think most young teen girls of normal sensitivity would feel really upset about this, wouldn't they?

BooyakaTurkeyisMassive · 17/12/2015 12:32

It could not be unnoticeable, duh!

squishee · 17/12/2015 12:39

Wolef that is lovely of you. But I think the damage is done, sadly.

Piss-up, brewery comes to mind.
I'd want to see the teacher.

Berthatydfil · 17/12/2015 12:40

I think that this is a terrible idea for a school to do. Fair enough if a group of friends did it within themselves but if it's organised by the school you would expect it to be done properly. But to do it properly would put individuals in the class in a situation that they might not be able to buy a present - they might not have money for example. And if the teacher gets a present instead of one of the pupils - completely unacceptable.
It's the sort of thing that could be a nice thing but just as easily could not as in this case. Especially in a loose group like this where they might not be good friends. One person might be absent / deliberately not but a gift/ it could be used as a nasty bullying incident if a "joke" gift is bought.

Even if the teacher doesn't like your dd she has a duty of care to her emotional wellbeing and this incident is frankly shitty.

She should have made sure that there were the right number of gifts before she gave them out. In fact she should have checked when names were given out that each person was paired up.

Find out what happened did one person have 2 presents - obviously unfair or did one person get a present but didn't buy one - again unfair - was someone absent or did the teacher take a gift but didn't buy one.
The moment she realised there was one present short she should have either stopped it from happening and made everyone take the presents back, or hastily rearranged the gifting so that she could locate the missing item/ correct the error or source an emergency one. Hopefully she has now investigated what happened,

I would complain to the school - it may be just that it's a horrible mistake that has been badly handled or it could be subtly bullying of your child.
Even if a present turns up today it's not going to take away the upset or bad feeling that it caused.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 17/12/2015 12:47

No you're not being precious. Thats abysmal. I'd be calling it deliberate exclusion and putting itva formal complaint if it were my child. Also the teacher must know about your dds condition. I think she may need to work on looking after the well being of her students, too.

MonstrousPippin · 17/12/2015 12:50

Op, that's totally crap. Your poor DD. I know how she feels as it happened to me once.

A group of my friends (who I'm not friends with any more, I might add) decided to do secret santa one year, then on the day, two of the guys just announced that they didn't have time/couldn't be bothered to get anything. Obviously two people ended up without presents as a result, but did those two idiots offer their gifts to the people they shafted? Of course not, the fuckers. One even had the nerve to proclaim his gift perfect, and say how he was going to really enjoy it.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 17/12/2015 12:51

Also if she's "forgetting" to put 10 names in to a hat. What else is forgetting to do and dismissing it with the "oops I forget attitude.

blobbityblob · 17/12/2015 13:24

Monstrous I think it's much more likely that that's the case - someone failed to buy a present because they couldn't afford it, couldn't be bothered, or forgot. The teacher, caught on the hop, just said something to cover up. But instead of making a show of themself, just said nothing and took a present.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 17/12/2015 13:26

Our work secret Santa has a list of who has who, and I suspect should one of us be taken ill before handing in a present, something would be sorted for the person they were supposed to buy for

Topseyt · 17/12/2015 13:38

Sounds like a total balls up to me. I can't imagine why the teacher didn't check beforehand that it would be right, and take proper steps to rectify if it wasn't.

Timri · 17/12/2015 13:41

That's awful
Your poor DD.
I would definitely call the school, not so much for it even happening, but for the way it was dealt with afterwards.
A girl crying in the toilets convinced the teacher did it on purpose because she dislikes her is heartbreaking. Teacher should have done something to reassure the poor girl

LavenderDoll · 17/12/2015 13:47

I would speak with the teacher to raise concerns. I'm thinking maybe one of the children forgot to buy or couldn't afford so teacher has tried to take the blame.

Geepee71 · 17/12/2015 13:59

I'd be inclined to speak directly to the head about it.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 17/12/2015 14:01

I wouldn't give the 'teacher' the chance to give a wishy-washy excuse.

I'd go straight in and ask her if she can actually count to ten. Assuming she says yes, you can then tell her that you will not stand for her bullying your daughter. Maybe call a meeting with the head too?

I was bullied by a teacher at school. I was depressed, lonely and was self-harming. I swear she smelt my weakness and used it to feed her own ego like a fucked-up vampire.

I expect teachers bullying children is more common than we realise.

toffeeboffin · 17/12/2015 14:11

'I swear she smelt my weakness and used it to feed her own ego like a fucked-up vampire'.

This ^

Remember that teachers are human too and also have this cruel capacity.

I'd be fucking livid, OP.

toffeeboffin · 17/12/2015 14:13

Thinking about it that's actually a very malicious thing to do.

I mean, seriously? To go that extent to upset a child? WTAF is wrong with people?

HighwayDragon1 · 17/12/2015 14:15

I did a secret santa with my tutor group (24 teens) made sure by checking the register twice everyone was in the bag, and bought a couple of "back up" presents just in case!

Your dds tutor is a class A twat Xmas Angry

toffeeboffin · 17/12/2015 14:19

FWIW if this 'tutor' cant organise a flipping Secret Santa properly then she shouldn't really be tutoring/and or teaching.

It's not exactly rocket science.

Theworldmakesnosense · 17/12/2015 14:20

That is absolutely unjustifiably horrid.
IF it had been a genuine mistake the teacher should have been absolutely mortified, rang you to inform of the mistake given your DDs issues AND reassured your DD that a gift would be brought to school the next day, if not that day she could have nipped out on her lunch! Nasty bitch shouldn't do things like secret Santa if she has such a horrible attitude

CFSsucks · 17/12/2015 14:20

What a shit thing for anyone to do but when it's a teacher to a child that makes it worse. I hope you speak to her. Someone would have realised they didn't pick a name out ffs. She is talking bullshit and if 1 child couldn't afford it or something, the teacher should have got something spare.

winewolfhowls · 17/12/2015 14:22

As above I always have Two spare presents for secret santa with the Form. Just in case. There's 30of them and spare present never been needed yet

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