Is this shit or am I precious?!

[Grace1467]

DD 14 has secret Santa in her tutor group (there are only 10 in each group). DD went out at the weekend and picked a nice gift for her secret Santa. Anyhow they did it yesterday and they all handed out their gifts. DD didn't get handed one the tutor then said (in an apparently bitchy voice according to DD) "oh oops I forgot to put your name in the hat". So she sat and watched everyone else open theirs then cried in the toilets on the phone to me for ages.

I know this could have been a genuine mistake but DD is convinced this teacher hates her already and I'm slightly heartbroken for her. I know if it had been me I'd have felt a bit miffed as well.

[Crazypetlady]

I would ring school it isn't right your poor dd.

[Grace1467]

I have but she wasn't available so will call me later I'm hoping the situations been rectified today.

Yeah I'd have got some emergency gifts just incase. I hate secret Santa always end up causing drama.

[GoApeShit]

Why do older people like teachers know no better

Yes.

Whatever the reason, exclusion of someone is a terrible, terrible example to set to those children.

[BooyakaTurkeyisMassive]

If a child couldn't afford it, surely they should have told the teacher in advance so arrangements could be made? If they just forgot it they shouldn't have had their present either, it's not on to not bother to do it then waltz of with your own present.

[kaitlinktm]

If it was a genuine mistake then it was callously mismanaged by that teacher. She ought to have felt dreadful and have fallen over herself apologising.

She might not have a stash of gifts to fall back on though - secondary teachers don't get given presents like primary ones do, I know I didn't (which is a good thing - I am uncomfortable with present buying for teachers myself), but at the very least she should have been picking something up for your DD on her way home from school yesterday.

[Snowglobe1]

It sounds awful. I would speak to the teacher to find out exactly what occurred from her perspective, and decide your course from there. The reason I say this is that if there were ten names in the hat, and ten pupils present, I fail to see how the problem could have arisen exactly as your DD has understood it.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

That's dreadful. She should never have been in that position - whomever didn't get a name should have said "I didn't get a name, Teacher, why not?" and it dealt with straight away.

In all honesty how fucking hard is it to get 10 names right? No doubt she has some kind of register, you tick them off as you go, it's only 10 names!!

Your DD's perception of her teachers may be off, but OTOH it might be bang on.

I don't have an issue with Secret Santas, so long as there is a set upper limit on costs - but I do when one person is left out like this and made to feel like a total outcast completely unnecessarily. :(

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Oh hang on, did the teacher get a present? That would account for the discrepancy, if she gave one of the students her name instead of your DD's...

[WyldChyld]

Your poor DD, OP - just what she doesn't need.

I'd definitely be asking the teacher what she is planning to do to rectify this situation - and I suspect part of this is also the teacher needs to sort out with DD this image that she dislikes her. Even if she does, your DD needs to be cared for like everyone else.

[latrilllis]

That was my thought ThumbWitchesAbroad

[BabyGanoush]

crappily handled by teacher

I would not go down the path of saying she deliberately excluded the child (can't prove that and may not be true).

But you CAN say it was very poorly handled indeed

[blobbityblob]

I think it is shit and we probably can't second guess what the teacher was thinking.

But what I would say that as an anxious adult, it's well worth finding a way to cope in these situations because they happen from time to time. I've heard CBT can be helpful. There was a very similar thing on the Secret Life of 4 Year Olds recently where they gave most of them a really nice present but wrapped up a peg or something for just two of them. What they were saying was that for those who did get very upset about it, it creates even more anxiety because it's then a really hard position to come back from.

I don't think you're being precious as all I would be livid. But long term it may be helpful to look at the reaction she's having to it. We've all been in that situation in a restaurant where everyone's got a meal but you and the waiter has disappeared. Finding a way to cope without feeling a fool is useful.

[latrilllis]

OP I feel for your dd. Mine are younger but I'd go absolutely ballistic if this happened to my dd. Having low self esteem and anxiety is bad enough without this kind of shit happening.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

the teachjer is a complete and utter CUNT, report

[BooyakaTurkeyisMassive]

I think it would be pretty easy to prove if it was deliberate and why TBH. If the school look into it surely she would have to disclose who didn't buy a present and why. And they should check with the child that the story tallies. If she claims she doesn't know they should ask the children who they bought a present for. If one didn't get a name and was told not to bother or got a present for the teacher it would be pretty clear it was deliberate.

The story about forgetting the name is clearly rubbish, and the school need to be getting to the bottom of this. Combined with the fact she singles your daughter out for different treatment, you really should be getting to the bottom of this OP. The teacher needs to give a truthful account of what happened.

[TheWitTank]

That's shit, your poor DD. I hope a gift turns up today. I wouldn't discount her feelings about her teacher -I would say it's unlikely she is disliked, but my firm tutor was awful to me at school. She very clearly disliked me and would single me out for random bollockings. Luckily I didn't give a toss and once when I was 15 actually had it out with her when she screamed at me for sitting in the pottery room with a boy (just a friend, we were sitting on opposite sides of the room at different tables doing homework and had been allowed by the pottery teacher). I calmly asked her what her problem was with me and she went bright red, spluttery and didn't have much to say. It got better after that (or she basically ignored me until I left).
Fingers crossed for her today.

[angemorange]

I'd make a formal complaint to the Head - what very poor behaviour!

[AskingForAPal]

Sometimes teachers do pick on one person. One of my friends used to get sent out by the maths teacher nearly every lesson, usually "for talking" at a time in the lesson when everyone was talking (while waiting for the teacher to give out worksheets or write something on the board for example). It was so obvious that this one kid, who got excellent marks and was actually a bit of a teacher's pet in other classes, was being treated unfairly. My friend was quite camp and later came out as gay, and we supposed even at the time that that might be why the teacher had this animosity for him. It was really sad :(

Definitely speak to the teacher, and concentrate on ways to make your daughter feel included and ensure this never happens again.

Meanwhile I would be tempted to drop something (nothing big, just chocolate or something) off at school, wrapped up, so that the receptionist or another teacher can pass it to your daughter as "the lost present". That might cheer her up.

[Judydreamsofhorses]

I'm a teacher and did names from a hat yesterday to pick running order for people doing presentations. One name had got stuck in the bottom of my woolly hat, and when I asked "has everyone's name been called?" that person said, no, you've missed me - I then pulled his name from the hat and apologised. Obviously a completely different situation, but genuine mistakes with this sort of thing can happen - I seriously doubt the teacher would have done it on purpose to upset your daughter. (I do, of course, completely understand why she's upset about being left out though.)

[InTheBox]

I fail to see how it can be a genuine mistake - the maths doesn't add up. The teacher would have known. This really doesn't make sense.

[Imknackeredzzz]

Have u rung the school?! I def would

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Grace - I have a little something here that I could pack up and post to your dd - it's just a crochet brooch I made - but if a surprise card and token gift from a stranger would help, I'd love to send it to her.

[IndridCold]

The main complaint against the teacher is surely that she allowed one girl to feel left out in this way.

This is her tutor group, isn't she meant to be offering some sort of pastoral care in this setting? Instead she has one of her group, an already not very emotionally robust teenager, crying in the loos!

Misunderstanding or not, she doesn't sound like the most suitable tutor for your DD.

[steff13]

I, too, fail to see how it could be a genuine mistake. You have a hat full of names, you pass the hat around, when the last girl gets it, there are no names left. It should have been noticed right away.