To wonder why people don't use baby sitters any more?

[LeaLeander]

This is a spin-off of the "kicked out of nativity thread" in which I noticed many people saying they could not attend events unless permitted to take along all of their children. I've seen other discussions (not just here but in real life as well) where people decline wedding invitations, skip funerals, never do anything alone with their spouse, etc. "because we don't have grandparents nearby to watch the kids."

Whatever happened to babysitters? The neighborhood teens, the college students hoping to make money, the moonlighting daycare worker, the elderly lady eking out a pension? Is the reason parents don't use sitters because no one is interested in doing the job for pay?

Even so, what about friends and neighbors, if you don't have relatives nearby? I've watched children, including very young children, for people I know but who aren't close friends, so that they could attend other children's events, or attend to other matters. I'm childfree so it's not as though family life with young children is second nature to me, and yet I can cope and parents seem to have thought so numerous times over the years. "Hi, can you watch Connor for about 90 minutes on Thursday so we can go to Madison's school play?" Sure. Go over, play with kid, or if it's asleep watch TV or read. Or parents drop off child at my house. What's the problem? Do people not have helpful friends, neighbors and co-workers any longer?

The baby in the nativity thread was 5 weeks; I have in the past minded children of friends and relatives as young as that, so the parents could go to a doctor's appointment or meal out. I've watched kids while their parents went to weddings and on several occasions, still in my teens, minded my cousins twin girls both in infancy and toddlerhood. We all survived to tell the tale.

Just really curious and perplexed as to why occasional child care seems to be out of the reach of so many people, to the point of creating situations like that at the nativity.

[cruikshank]

I try to have a pool of two or three teenagers on hand - it's a shifting population because they tend to do it for a while and then they either get jobs or go off to uni - over the years, I've found that works best as they all have social lives of their own so it's best not to rely on one. I find them through friends who use them, through classmates with older siblings, through neighbours (and sometimes the neighbours themselves will mind the kids, but I don't like to ask because they never accept money) - all over the place. I would go stir crazy if I stayed in all night every night and now that the kids are older all the sitter has to do is sit on the sofa with a bunch of snacks and ring me if the house is burning down. I wouldn't leave a 5 week old baby though, unless I absolutely had to eg going to A&E with another child or something - they are still very fragile and tiny at that age. Never used a professional sitter service - ten pounds an hour?! Fuck that.

[Katarzyna79]

ive got a problem I have to attend my pregnancy scan but have no one to watch my little ones. They often attend my midwife appointments and don't get off their chairs. But my hospital doesn't allow kids in the scanning room.

I knew this was going to be an issue as my other half would be out of town, I told them when the scan was booked but apparently they couldn't do 1 week earlier or 1 week later.

I have lots of siblings but not around when I need them theyd all be at work. I have a husbands relations who could do it but we don't want to rely on them because they wont even take their own mother off us for one weekend or a few hours so we can go out for lunch or just have a break from caring duties?

My father is not agile enough to run after them if they run upstairs or start fighting. Mil doesn't recall what I said to her 2 minutes earlier so even though theyre at home theyre of no use babysitting.

I may have to just miss the scan ive no choice. Ive never used a baby sitter I'm scared to (sounds stupid right?). id prefer a crèche but I don't think theyd do 2 hrs, its usually morning session or afternoon or block bookings. it would be 60 quid for both kids for just a morning session. We have moved not long ago and money is tight so it seems a frivolous waste I cant spend that sort of cash right now.

I don't know my neighbours ive not even seen them the gardens out front and back are big and mature don't see anyone.

[5madthings]

bacon I was a forces brat as well and my experience is the same, and as a teen I babysat loads and yes was happy for the money. I really enjoyed it as well. I am pleased thst my own teen gets to babysit as it is a good experience for him, I agree it's a shame we are losing this kind of community life. But just the way things are I guess.

[ghostspirit]

kat i have no advice... sorry. but when i read post like yours it makes me angry. its important that you have a scan as its a medical need to make sure all is well. and there are some mums who dont have any one in the world. my hosptial allows children. seems strange some do and some dont.

[BessieBlount]

I feel for you, Kat. I've been the pg lady who missed scans and I even gave birth on my own because DH had to look after our older children. Hideous experience and sad for DH too!

[Baconyum]

Katarzyna and others that are concerned about the 'the kids don't know them' aspect, why not invite potential babysitters for dinner/a cuppa a few times so the children can get to know them? I was happy to do that.

5madthings I knew I liked you lovely to meet a fellow brat. Military situations are behind the times I find but that's sometimes a good thing. Sadly even in military circles a sense of community is being lost. As I said my dd would love to do this. The job she wants to do when she's 'grown up' involves working with children and it would be great experience for her.

[Riderontheswarm]

I would only leave my child with someone they knew well and were comfortable with.

[thegiddylimit]

As a child we were babysat by the daughters of friends of my parents and sometimes grandparents.

PILs had no family close by and used a babysitting circle of people from FILs work. When MIL told me about it I was slightly horrified, it was an enormous circle and they didn't know everyone so when you needed a babysitter a random person who you didn't necessarily know would turn up. My first response was it would be a perfect situation for a paedophile but I suspect in the 1970s that a) wasn't considered and b) if it was the assumption would have been that naice middle class people didn't do that. I think that's probably partly why babysitters aren't as common.


But lets not forget, getting a local teenager (who you know) to do it requires women to be at home all day not working so they have time to get to know their neighbours and spend time building a community. It's not just about moving around the country, my MIL is from overseas but know all her neighbours because she didn't work when her kids were at school. I'd rather have the choice about working or not and pay the price of having a few years with no babysitters.

[TeddTess]

BessieBlount they are just teenagers on my road.

one sent a flyer to local families asking for babysitting work but she was just 14 and my dds were babies. At that point i only used people from the nursery who were qualified and knew what to do if they woke crying etc.. A few years later i used her (knowing her mum was at home if needed).
Once she went to uni i used the two teenage girls across the road - dds were older by then and used to babysitters. i just asked their mum one day would they be interested in babysitting and they jumped at the chance. I think nowadays teenagers can be scared to offer. i did loads of babysitting as a teenager - it drove my mum mad as she wanted me home babysitting for free.

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

We use babysitters a reasonable amount - would be more if we had more spare cash for nights out. We spend lots of time together as a family but sometimes it's nice to do couple stuff or spend time with friends.

Most often sensible older teens - neighbours' or friends' children.
Occasionally swap with other parents we know.
Our lovely retired neighbour used to babysit for us before we moved house too, as long as the younger ones were already in bed.

When the kids were small especially we didn't go out until they were in bed and we were lucky that they stayed asleep in the evening. We never went further than about 15-20mins away so really all the babysitter had to do was watch TV and call us if anyone ever woke (this never happened ever - think some of the babysitters were quite disappointed ).

If we needed/wanted to go a bit further afield then we made sure we had a proper grownup rather than a teenager.

Daytime babysitting is much harder to arrange though, ime. Most people just aren't around to do it. And even if they had been my babies weren't feeding regularly enough to be leavable at 5 weeks.

[PurpleGreenAvocado]

Diplodocus, they get that from their sports clubs, just because we socialise together doesn't mean that they don't do activities where they build relationships with other adults.

[ghostspirit]

bacon sounds reasonable but some people dont know anyone in the first place. i dont know of anyone who would baby sit...

i know them baby sitting sites are meant to be ok. but i could not leave my children with someone they do not know whilst i go out. stranger in my/kids home looking after the kids does not seem right

[PurpleGreenAvocado]

Philo, yes, we are in agreement.

[TeddTess]

ghost are your dcs at school yet?
if not, then you'll probably find once they're at school you will meet plenty of families with older children
or nannies/aupairs looking for extra evening work

[HerRoyalNotness]

I'd rather use people that I 'know' and have been trying go get a sitter from our expat circle, so far they've been busy. I've been out with DH twice in the evening in the last 2 and half years, only as the preschool offered movie nights for the DC and we took advantage of that.

Plus they charge USD15 an hour round here. If we want to go to a decent restaurant in town, it's a 40-60min drive depending on traffic. We could be up for $75 babysitting fee before we've paid for the date. extortionate!

[ghostspirit]

yeah they are. been on school runs for several years. dont know anyone like that. i only talk to 2 of the mums at the school. and they cant baby sit... its got a little better for me to be honest. now im seeing someone he has adult children so they can baby sit now and then. hopefully in the next couple of years my older kids will mature a bit. and they can help out as well. but i have been for many years in that situation where there is no one to help at all. not nice really

[DrDreReturns]

Haven't read the whole thread..
When I was in sixth form (early nineties) I used to 'babysit' for a couple across the road from me. I say babysit - the kids were 11 and 13, and were very easy to look after. They were at the same school as me. I think I got a tenner, very east money.
I wouldn't leave my kids with a sixth former until they were a bit older (mine are 9 and 6). Also, I don't know anyone who would do it. I imagine the going rate is a bit more than a tenner now, and I wouldn't want to pay that in order to have a night out unless it was a big occasion.

[BessieBlount]

Tedd, my oldest DSs are 12&10 and I still don't know anyone. I don't actually know anyone from DS1's school and I only know parents of the younger ones classmates to say a polite hello.

[Ipsos]

I thought that that would be how it would work when ds was born but he was breastfed and it was a long long time (10 months actually) before I could even leave him even with dh for long enough so I could have a 30 minute bath. I think ds had really good radar because even if I left the room when he was asleep he knew and would wake upand screech. There was definitely no chance of leaving him with a stranger before pre-school years. I have now left him with a neighbour once for 20 minutes to go a parent's evening but they looked really really stressed about it so I didn't do it again.

I think in this generation children are very highly prized and carefully cosseted. In our day we were allowed to go out to play at 9am and come back at lunchtime, but now if children are out then the parents have to know where they are and check on them. It seems to be different from childhood in the 70s.

[LyndaNotLinda]

I think a lot of it is that we've become so so insular as a society I'd ask lots of people for favours - as would my friends. There are at least 3 neighbours I'd trust to look after a 5 week old and many more I'd get to look after older kids.

But I live in a small town and the street is mainly owner occupier meaning we know one another. In a city or a place with a more transient population, it's very different

[Ipsos]

Having said that, my parents only left us with babysitters about three times because it was incredibly stressful and socially awkward.

[MrsKoala]

We have no friends and don't know our neighbours. I also wouldn't inflict my dc on anyone other than my mum. They are really high needs and i doubt anyone would sit a second time or ever speak to us again. Also if its at night i really hate coming home tired to find they are awake just gearing up for a long night shift of dancing, singing and climbing on tables, because they woke and mum couldn't get them back to sleep (ds2 has never slept longer than 2hrs without needing to be patted back to sleep in a very specific way and ds1 has to twiddle my hair for about 30 mins to get to sleep).

so the only time we go out is if mum has them overnight. Which is nice but rare as not really fair on her.

[TimeToMuskUp]

DH works away often and we have fantastic neighbours so in an emergency I've got good support. We also live close to MIL and my Mum and her DH, and my Dad, so we have Grandparents willing to babysit. The DCs go on sleepovers with very close friends fairly often, too, so we're very lucky. We don't use babysitters mainly because there's no need.

However, in the interests of honesty I have to admit that when we first moved here we knew nobody and I hated being so isolated. I used to spend my time counting down the hours til DS1 came home from nursery or DH came home. I'd be very unwilling to leave where we are now purely because I've built up a lovely social circle. I went to College and made friends there, I began working in a school and made friends there, I take the DCs to their hobbies and have made friends there. Starting again would be incredibly hard.

[MrsKoala]

I remember last year i kept being rushed to hospital with bleeding when pregnant with ds2 and the ambulance people and nurses asking if i could leave my not quite 2yo with a neighbour. It totally boggled my mind. We'd never even seen our neighbours. I found it so odd people would ever know their neighbours that well (nice, but odd)