To wonder why people don't use baby sitters any more?

[LeaLeander]

This is a spin-off of the "kicked out of nativity thread" in which I noticed many people saying they could not attend events unless permitted to take along all of their children. I've seen other discussions (not just here but in real life as well) where people decline wedding invitations, skip funerals, never do anything alone with their spouse, etc. "because we don't have grandparents nearby to watch the kids."

Whatever happened to babysitters? The neighborhood teens, the college students hoping to make money, the moonlighting daycare worker, the elderly lady eking out a pension? Is the reason parents don't use sitters because no one is interested in doing the job for pay?

Even so, what about friends and neighbors, if you don't have relatives nearby? I've watched children, including very young children, for people I know but who aren't close friends, so that they could attend other children's events, or attend to other matters. I'm childfree so it's not as though family life with young children is second nature to me, and yet I can cope and parents seem to have thought so numerous times over the years. "Hi, can you watch Connor for about 90 minutes on Thursday so we can go to Madison's school play?" Sure. Go over, play with kid, or if it's asleep watch TV or read. Or parents drop off child at my house. What's the problem? Do people not have helpful friends, neighbors and co-workers any longer?

The baby in the nativity thread was 5 weeks; I have in the past minded children of friends and relatives as young as that, so the parents could go to a doctor's appointment or meal out. I've watched kids while their parents went to weddings and on several occasions, still in my teens, minded my cousins twin girls both in infancy and toddlerhood. We all survived to tell the tale.

Just really curious and perplexed as to why occasional child care seems to be out of the reach of so many people, to the point of creating situations like that at the nativity.

[PurpleGreenAvocado]

Because I don't see the point in having children and then leaving them with babysitters; we do things as a family. We're apart enough at school and work; our leisure time is to be spent together. I've never used a babysitter and never will.

[serin]

We have a dog sitter!

Have never left the DC with anyone else though, other than a nanny which Dsis-in-law arranged for a family funeral.

I offered babysitting as a prize in a school auction of promises once, 3 hours went for £70, easiest money I ever earned, shame I didn't get to keep it.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

You never want to go out for an adult evening?

[TheDowagerCuntess]

Loads lf teenage babysitters touting their wares around here - mostly on the neighbourly website. We used one once - she came round and met us and the kids. All good.

Otherwise, we have an au pair who babysits, and if she's not available, she puts us in touch with one of her friends.

My BF uses her teenage next door neighbour, whose Mum is a nurse.

Very common round here.

[MontyYouTerribleCunt]

It's money for me. We did start a babysitting circle with NCT parents, but I have since moved away so can't really participate. I also just felt guilty for some reason asking them to take time away from their own families, even though I would have reciprocated. Stupid I know.

As we are now in a new town we don't know anyone to ask, but hopefully that will change. I wouldn't feel great about asking someone to look after DD for free for a whole day event like a wedding unless I knew for sure they really wouldn't mind doing it. You're very lovely for having done this for people in the past OP.

I wonder if it comes from living in flats for a few years before having DD, in an area where neighbours changed all the time. We have moved around a lot as well. I never knew anyone well enough to ask them a favour like that, (nor did I know them well enough to leave a baby with them really).

[chocomochi]

But the cost of an adult evening could double if you're getting a baby sitter.

Back to the OP - I could never leave a 5 week old with a baby sitter. Just way too young.

[Philoslothy]

Add message | Report | Message poster PurpleGreenAvocado Wed 16-Dec-15 19:16:06
Because I don't see the point in having children and then leaving them with babysitters; we do things as a family. We're apart enough at school and work; our leisure time is to be spent together. I've never used a babysitter and never will.

Does your husband/ partner feel the same? I love my children but love time away from them too.

[HPsauciness]

I don't know if it is a cultural thing which has just fallen out of favour- my husband is from another European country, and I have noticed all our family friends from that culture will always babysit, have kids to stay overnight, feed whoever is in their house, they pride themselves on being exceptionally welcoming. They also ask for favours, help with work, forms, technology (he can mend things) back, so it's reciprocal. I thought was a tiny bit odd when I first met mums who were happy to have two extra children over when they only had one, literally at any time for any reason, but now I realise it's just part of a wider tit for tat helping- it only works if everyone offers and everyone helps everyone else (otherwise it could feel like people were taking advantage).

[megletthesecond]

I don't know any teenagers and I wouldn't trust a random (even crb) checked babysitter. I'm a LP and just suck up not having a social life. It'll be easier when my kids are teens.

[diplodocus]

Purple - do you not see any benefit in your children spending time with other young adults and forging relationships with them independently (it's very different if you're around all the time)?

[TeddTess]

when dds were little i used someone from the nursery
once they were school age i used local teenagers - both a few doors away. all good.

really what do you all imagine is going to happen?!

i do struggle with daytime babysitting though - haven't ever managed to sort that one out. aren't babysitters all at work/school/college?

[TeddTess]

and no they are not CRB checked
they are 15,16,17

[TheTigerIsOut]

This is my experience of the people you suggested:

Lovely old neighbour:

• we returned to pick up baby DS and were knocking at her door for 20 mins. She finally openned the door saying she was in the back garden having a fag and didn't hear the door. Incidentally, the apology fag was pot.
  

Another elderly neighbour:

• DS had a great time, we were told, picked him up off the floor all smiles. he had been crawling with a big marble on his mouth.
  

The teenagers (all very good responsible students):
Teen A: wanted £10 per hour, which we paid. Great in doing crafts with DS. We stop using her when we realised how many different substances she was experimenting with.
Teen B: again, wanted £10 per hour, all fine until DS complained he was bored. Babysitter had been handing him the IPad and locking herself in her bedroom with the boyfriend.
Teen C: spent all the time texting on her phone

The mature student woman needing some extra cash.

• we stop using her when she asked us to bring more toys as DS wasn't allowing her to do her homework.
  

The nannie,

• absolutely WONDERFUL, but only available on her day off.
  

The moonlighting nursery nurse.

• Brilliant, but unable to arrive before 7 or do late nights.
  

The moonligting nursery nurse 2.

• we knew she wasn't right when DS (10) asked where we were going, and she told him "mummy is an adult and you are not to question what she does" (I would have understood if it had been coming out wearing a drag queen dress in the middle of the night, but I was just going to be away for 2 hrs in the early afternoon going to a lecture)
  

At the moment, I have a fantastic babysitter that I can rely on, but good grief, it has been a nightmare trying to find her.

[Chippednailvarnish]

If I wanted to have neighborhood teens, the college students hoping to make money, the moonlighting daycare worker, the elderly lady eking out a pension being paid to work in my home, I'd get a dog. I most certainly wouldn't chose most of the randoms you mentioned to look after a young child.

[HamaTime]

I used to have a good teenage babysitter but she's at uni now and I haven't found a replacement. I've used a friends ds who is a nursery worker but he charges more than I'm willing to pay for a cinema trip or a pint in the local.
When we were little we were left with a (known) teenager who had an out of control house party while we were barricaded upstairs in my brothers bedroom. Not common but it does make me cautious.

[BessieBlount]

I'd love my kids to have other adults in their lives. It is very intense just them and us, often just the and me. It's lonely too. I'd also like to go out with DH at least once a year.

[BessieBlount]

But Teddtess, where to find these teenagers if they don't live close and you don't personally know anyone with teenagers? Do you stop them in the street? And we don't have the option of nursery worker as DS is in the nursery attached to school and his teacher is the school deputy head with 3 kids of her own so not sure she'd be up for a bit of babysitting.

[5madthings]

I havea good family friend who babysits o my own teen son. No family nearby. But I wouldn't leave a five week old baby, my boobs aren't detachable for one and I wouldn't want to.

I do babysit for friends and my eldest son also does, peoole aren't happy with random teens but he does quite well as he has four younger siblings so lots of people know him by merit of their kids being frirnds with mine and word gets round etc. He is also Mr sensible.

I have in past organised my sister to babysit for a wedding, it involved hiring somewhere for us all to stay, paying travel costs etc and was s complete pita. I got married to dh this year after 17 yrs, there wrre more kids than adult guests I think including our own five! It was a really lovely day.

So I do use babysitters but it will depend on the event as to whether I choose to use one or to go, Social invitations are just that, an invitation.

[Bohemond]

I pretty much paid my way through 3 years of uni from the babysitting I did in my teens. I was booked up most Fridays and Saturdays from 14-20 when at home. Some were friends of my parents, others from the village and others via word of mouth. I didn't know much about children but I was well educated and sensible and would have called my parents should anything have happened that I wasn't sure about. I became very valuable at 17 when I could drive myself and I didn't have to get taken home by a drunk slightly lechy husband!

I am on the lookout for someone similar for DS.

[missymayhemsmum]

Monthly evening work meeting- currently the 15 year old daughter of DD's old childminder (with her mum on standby) Previous babysitters found by putting an ask out on facebook for a recommendation. Otherwise it's asking her friends mums and making sure I have the gang round at the weekend. I do agree though, people do seem less likely to offer/ pool childcare than they used to be.

[CastaDiva]

Weirdly, there is no convention of teenagers or students babysitting in the evening for cash, or babysitting circles, around here (village) because everyone uses family, usually grandparents, as babysitters - everyone (bar us) has extended family close by. Ours are in another country. We use an excellent childminder and pre-school in the daytime, but none of them will babysit in the evenings (children and lives of their own), and I wouldn't leave someone he didn't know with a three-year-old who's having a difficult time and wakes easily, and using an online service in a rural area makes it difficult to get someone around for a getting to know you session.

I wish I could - we've just been invited to an event I'd like to attend with DH in another city on the weekend, but would have to leave DS in a hotel room with a strange babysitter arranged by the hotel. If he woke he'd be frantic, precisely because he's not used to being left at night, and because he's unsettled at the moment he's likely to wake.

[Senpai]

I won't leave 2yo DD with a babysitter until she's talking better. I want to be able to ask my child about how her time was and know what's going on.

A 5 week old, no way! I wouldn't worry that a responsible teen would hurt a baby that young through malice, I'd worry she'd accidentally hurt it by innocent ignorance of what you need to do with a baby that little. If she's carrying a virus, and she in a moment of lovey-dovey tenderness kisses the baby, it could make him sick. It's just a lot to risk with a baby that small.

[trinitybleu]

I've used a variety of babysitters ... First other mums, then Nursery staff and most recently a teen I met through Guiding.

I babysat a friends 10 day old for about 8 hours whilst they took older child to A&E (managed to convince my visiting bil I'd had another but kept it quiet ) We've babysat each others 1st kids since they were pretty small .... By 6 months old they were at Nursery and we'd switched to sometimes using staff so we could go out to the same events, so from before then.

[Baconyum]

Read first 3 pages.

My experience is this:

Military brat so moving around a lot no family close by but mum and dad expected to participate in certain social occasions to do with dads work. So we'd be babysat by the teen children of friends of theirs, male and female, usually recommended by other friends. Never had a problem with mistreatment, some were stricter than others but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Then when I was 13/14 I started being the babysitter. Often overnighters (balls with champagne breakfasts), sometimes young babies. I had experience through accompanying mum when she sometimes babysat (she's from a big family so was asked by those who also had big families or with children with special needs as she also had experience with those), I had also done a children's first aid course. For a couple years I think I was babysitting every weekend! Loved the job and having the money.

I've kept doing it over the years partly as I love children and sometimes handy to have a little extra cash.

When I had dd I was married and her dad also military so again no family near enough. First left her when she was around 4 months old. Was bf, just went for a meal between feeds. Babysitter was a good friend of mine who both had and was from a large family. She was lovely and very patient with my pfb nonsense.

When dd a little older we were lucky that where we were I knew a family from a previous posting. Their teen dd babysat for dd for a couple years. Lovely girl, still in touch with the family and her and dd friends on fb. Dd adored her.

Later when I split from ex I was at uni and occasionally students I knew well would sit dd. She's still friendly with them too. I also met a close friend at this time and we'd reciprocate arrangements.

Oh yes, at one posting my parents were part of a babysitting circle too. Again tokens exchanged.

Now dd is 15 and loves children and would love to babysit. She has first aid training and is very sensible. But where we are now people don't use babysitters. Partly cost, partly they have family nearby usually (civvy St now), partly because they don't trust teens to care for their children.

Personally I think it's sad we're losing this element of community life.

I wouldn't use someone I'd never met hired through a postcard in newsagents window as used to happen when I was a kid! But I don't see anything wrong with having a babysitter that your child knows and likes and has fun with and may end up absolutely adoring!

Plus teens themselves are missing out on an experience that I know I personally thoroughly enjoyed. It's also good experience for them when they have children.

[counthedays]

I've used babysitters from as soon as my children slept reliably from 7-11. We use the agency sitters and also local teenagers. My family don't babysit and we actually like to have an adult social life. I don't know anyone who doesn't use babysitters. People use other people's aupairs, their cleaners, local 6th formers, agencies. Utterly the norm here