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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me or H?

103 replies

HappyFuckinChristmas · 16/12/2015 12:08

Please can you tell me if I abu or he is?

I have been out of hospital for a week, after having 2 back operations. I have a 6 week sicknote for work (family business - his).

A couple of days ago I got free tickets for a show on the 8th January. I am back in work on the 18th. I told H when he got home and said I'm glad its while I'm off so I don't have to worry about going or taking time off work for it. Well war broke out then! He has basically said I'm a pisstaker and if I'm well enough to go out having a laugh with my friend I'm well enough to go to work.

This is a 2 hour max show and is totally different to sitting in an office chair for 8 hours a day! He has told me that he's told everyone in work and everyone thinks I'm a dick and out of order.

I wasn't allowed to go to my friends who only lives down the road and would be picking me up too, on Saturday night for an hour either, same story if you're well enough to go there you're well enough to go to work. Bear in mind it is perfectly fine for me to go to his mothers all day on xmas eve with the family who all think I'm a dick!

Before you tell me to LTB, I've already said I want a divorce. Not because of this! This is the last thing in a long line of shit he's done to me. I just want aibu opinions because he is making me doubt myself with guilt trips about work.

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 16/12/2015 12:12

He is a shit

Brewdolph · 16/12/2015 12:12

He's an arse wipe.

Do not fear there is no way in hell yabu. And if anyone says different I'll whack 'Em with me stick.

Good luck with leaving the cunt, sounds like you'll be well rid.

DisappointedOne · 16/12/2015 12:14

Bear in mind it is perfectly fine for me to go to his mothers all day on xmas eve with the family who all think I'm a dick!

Before you tell me to LTB, I've already said I want a divorce.

Why would you go anywhere with him, ever?!

hesterton · 16/12/2015 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heavens2betsy · 16/12/2015 12:18

Wow. What a complete dick.
You are not in the wrong at all.
Tell him and his family to fuck right off.
Get well soon and definitely LTB.

Original poster
HappyFuckinChristmas · 16/12/2015 12:18

DisappointedOne I only told him last night I want a divorce.

I had also told him when this started I would not be going to his Mothers if he thought I couldn't go anywhere for 6 weeks and 'have a laugh' as he put it!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 16/12/2015 12:20

Why would you go to his mothers on Christmas Eve?
Everyone already thinks you're a dick (I bet they don't, I bet they have the measure of you tosser of a 'D'H) so fuck him.
You go where you want and when you want.
You are divorcing him so you don't need to pander to him or 'obey' him any more.
I hope you aren't doing anything for him. Like shopping, washing, cooking, ironing, cleaning!????

goodnightdarthvader1 · 16/12/2015 12:21

Yeah, he's a shit.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/12/2015 12:22

YANBU. There is a world of difference between spending short times in an activity and all day. Plus being with friends/at a show can give you pleasure, which means endorphins, which are painkillers. Massive, massive difference.

He is the dick (and if people at work agree with him it's probably because he'd fire them if they didn't) and your divorce cannot happen too soon.

Flowers
MissingPanda · 16/12/2015 12:22

Don't go to his mother's on christmas eve. After all if you were well enough to go to his mother's you'd be well enough to go to work and you're not.

YANBU

Blacktealeaves · 16/12/2015 12:23

I wouldn't go with him on cmas eve tbh. Start as you mean to go on

LaurieFairyCake · 16/12/2015 12:23

Yeah, he's a shit

He appears to think you're not allowed to decide if you're well enough to do something

Thanks for your back

And I hope next year is better once you get rid of this man sized turd of shite fuckery

Original poster
HappyFuckinChristmas · 16/12/2015 12:24

hellsbells I bet they don't either, but him saying it is enough to make me wonder

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 16/12/2015 12:24

And anyway, you need to be practising being up and about if you have (had) back problems, before returning to work. So going to a short-ish show makes sense, if you have a friend with you.

He sounds v unpleasant.

Original poster
HappyFuckinChristmas · 16/12/2015 12:27

His family are all actually very lovely, I'm not making this about them. It just makes me sad that he would say they all think badly of them when he knows how much I love them all. This is where the guilt tripping is

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 16/12/2015 12:28

If you have a sick note for 6 weeks,..then you don't have to go to work for 6 weeks. It is a recovery period.
It doesn't mean you cannot go to a show. It doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself or that you have to lie in bed eating grapes.
It does mean you can't spend 8 hours working.

NoSquirrels · 16/12/2015 12:28

What a tosser.

If you worked for a company with an Occupational Health dept., they would no doubt be recommending a phased return to work, building up the time you spend there gradually, certainly not going in at 8 hours straight away.

No company thinks it's reasonable that if you are off sick for reasons such as yours e.g. bad back, recovery from major operation, that you stay in the house for the full 6 weeks never leaving your sickbed.

Tosser. Enjoy the divorce!

What will happen to your job, btw?

Original poster
HappyFuckinChristmas · 16/12/2015 12:28

*of me, not them

OP posts:
catfordbetty · 16/12/2015 12:38

I wasn't allowed to ...

You don't need his permission - enjoy the show. And best wishes for your divorce!

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/12/2015 12:46

"Bear in mind it is perfectly fine for me to go to his mothers all day on xmas eve with the family who all think I'm a dick!"

"His family are all actually very lovely, I'm not making this about them. It just makes me sad that he would say they all think badly of them when he knows how much I love them all. "

I think I would have to raise this matter in front of the whole family then. Along the lines of 'MIL, H has told me you think I'm a dick. Well, actually he told me all of you think I'm a dick. I'm divorcing him, and I just want you to know that I don't believe him, and I think he's trying to drive a wedge between us. I hope that after the divorce, even though we won't still be family we will still be friends; because even though I no longer love him, I do still love you all.'

But I'm evil.

StrictlyMumDancing · 16/12/2015 12:47

My mother has exceptionally bad back issues that mean she can't work. She was hoping to have a wonderfully happy merry christmas watching my kids opening their presents up. I suppose I best ring her now and tell her that if she's too ill to work she clearly is too ill for a gathering Angry

He's a dick.

bobs123 · 16/12/2015 12:49

I used to be married to one like that. It wasn't that he disallowed to me to do things, it was more that he would do his best to ruin any half-way decent evening out I might have beforehand (and I went out rarely).

Oh - and the thing about him saying what others thought of me.....I laugh about it now. I ended up fronting up to him and saying I would ask those people directly why they thought I was so bad. He soon backed down.

Good luck to you OP and hope the back gets better. Enjoy the show Xmas Smile

BarbarianMum · 16/12/2015 12:53

Of course you can go to a show. If you were running a marathon or climbing Munroes or water skiing he'd have a point.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/12/2015 12:58

If there are DC, though, men like this can simply disappear so that their partners can't go out, or sabotage a trip in other ways (such as cancelling bookings, hiding car keys/bank cards.) It's not always possible to ignore an abusive man's forbiddings and do what you want - which is why it's good to get rid of such men as soon as possible.

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 16/12/2015 13:00

He sounds like a very, very nasty piece of work, and you'd be better alone than putting up with this.

As for not going to your friends on Saturday, because you weren't allowed - what you actually did as you were told? Why? Are you afraid of him? You are your own person and you (and only you) decide where and when you are going places.

Colleagues and his family won't think you're a dick - he's saying that to hurt your feelings.

He hasn't got your back has he? No pun intended.

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