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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it me or H?

103 replies

HappyFuckinChristmas · 16/12/2015 12:08

Please can you tell me if I abu or he is?

I have been out of hospital for a week, after having 2 back operations. I have a 6 week sicknote for work (family business - his).

A couple of days ago I got free tickets for a show on the 8th January. I am back in work on the 18th. I told H when he got home and said I'm glad its while I'm off so I don't have to worry about going or taking time off work for it. Well war broke out then! He has basically said I'm a pisstaker and if I'm well enough to go out having a laugh with my friend I'm well enough to go to work.

This is a 2 hour max show and is totally different to sitting in an office chair for 8 hours a day! He has told me that he's told everyone in work and everyone thinks I'm a dick and out of order.

I wasn't allowed to go to my friends who only lives down the road and would be picking me up too, on Saturday night for an hour either, same story if you're well enough to go there you're well enough to go to work. Bear in mind it is perfectly fine for me to go to his mothers all day on xmas eve with the family who all think I'm a dick!

Before you tell me to LTB, I've already said I want a divorce. Not because of this! This is the last thing in a long line of shit he's done to me. I just want aibu opinions because he is making me doubt myself with guilt trips about work.

OP posts:

OnlyLovers · 16/12/2015 14:57

Alice, you're storing up some serious trouble if that's the way you deal with your staff.

ThisOldFool · 16/12/2015 14:59

That Alice! Jeez what bitch. I'd sooner be homeless on the street than work for a cow like that.

araiba · 16/12/2015 15:03

but he's not just your husband, he is your boss at work and maybe he is speaking with his boss hat on?

if you travel to and from a show and sit there for a few hours, why cant you work for a couple of hours? That would seem to be his issue

Want2bSupermum · 16/12/2015 15:04

Alice You are being an arse and are totally in the wrong. Doctors don't sign their patients off work for no good reason. There are strict criteria that must be met and they will give less sick time if in doubt, increasing it later if needed.

Just because you see someone going to an event doesn't mean they are fit for work. I had a CS on the Monday morning, came home Thursday night and went out for dinner with DH on the Friday night as he had to attend dinner with royalty where he won an award. As his wife I was expected to be there. I was in agony but put a brave face on and hired a make up artist and hairdresser to get me ready. I got there at 7pm and left at 9pm. The bosses wife was lovely and shielded me from having to stand etc. Just because I made it to that dinner didn't mean I was fit at all to work.

OP - Start applying for jobs. Also, don't ask his permission for anything. If you need to get somewhere ask your friends if they can help. If any of my friends told me their 'D'H was not being supportive I would be very willing to help them with things like lifts.

MiniCooperLover · 16/12/2015 15:05

How old are you OP? What on earth did he say to excuse cancelling your IVF?

hellsbellsmelons · 16/12/2015 15:09

arabia she hasn't said she can't.
From a previous post, it looks as though she was willing to discuss easing back in to work.
He just didn't let her even try to explain that and basically 'banned' her from leaving the house. Unless it's please his family of course!

araiba · 16/12/2015 15:09

" What on earth did he say to excuse cancelling your IVF?"

i guess he didn't want a baby with OP, as is his right to choose

Whatevva · 16/12/2015 15:15

He might have mentioned it though............

OnlyLovers · 16/12/2015 15:15

araiba, he cancelled it rather than having a discussion with the OP about it. Do you think that's OK?

Original poster

HappyFuckinChristmas · 16/12/2015 15:20

Exactly what hellsbellsmelons said!

His reasons for cancelling were he doesn't want to be an old dad and our lifestyle would change too much - going out as much as we do, partying, long haul holidays, etc. And he 'thought' that's what I wanted too. Umm no I'm a woman, I want to be a mother, fuck the changes!

I am 34, he is 37.

OP posts:

Original poster

HappyFuckinChristmas · 16/12/2015 15:23

Can I just also point out that it was him that pushed for the IVF when it first started and i was admittely unsure. However I came round to it easily within those 3 years, I guess seeing all my friends/family with kids made me realise I did want it

OP posts:

araiba · 16/12/2015 15:26

i agree he should have told you, but he doesn't want a baby- why go to ivf or discuss it?

anyway, youre leaving him, why does any of this matter- get on with your own life

Want2bSupermum · 16/12/2015 15:33

Happy He did you a favour cancelling the IVF. At least with no DC you can make a clean break from the man and you don't have to rely on him for anything.

Get your affairs in order (i.e. get a job elsewhere and your own car if you need one) and get your divorce proceedings going.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/12/2015 15:40

" He cancelled our IVF without telling me, after we waited nearly 3 yrs for it. I found out when the doctor's secretary phoned work to speak to him to find out if it was a mistake"

"i agree he should have told you, but he doesn't want a baby- why go to ivf or discuss it?"
araiba the problem is that as far as the OP was concerned they were waiting for the NHS, both of them still wanting IVF. By not telling her, OP would still have been patiently waiting thinking it was still going to happen, while he would know it was never going to happen. And all the while, OP would be getting older ... that is an unbelievably cruel way to treat someone who wants children so much they will go for IVF . So cruel. So devious. So selfish.

PhoenixReisling · 16/12/2015 15:41

I agree with supermum, use the time his lordship is at the office and scan and email copies of bank statements, savings, mortgage etc.

Personally, I would also look for another job. Are you really going to stay there whilst you divorce the twerp...no you wouldn't.

Original poster

HappyFuckinChristmas · 16/12/2015 15:45

WhereYouLeftIt thank you for explaing it better than I could

araiba HE DID WANT IT! I didn't have a reason to think he didn't. But when the time finally came round for him to have an op to extract sperm, he said no and cancelled it

OP posts:

GreenTomatoJam · 16/12/2015 15:57

Oh, this person has it on the nose in a good way:

Kelly Smith: It's completely wrong to assume that anyone has a gender identity as distinct from their biological sex. I don't. That doesn't make me 'agender' it makes me a woman who is one by virtue of being a female person with associated lived experience

Yes, I like that - "a woman by virtue of being a female person with associated lived in experience", no gender required, not even saying that someone couldn't be a woman via some other means (which is clever), but also saying that she doesn't need the label cis.

Original poster

HappyFuckinChristmas · 16/12/2015 16:17

We had both been attending hospital appointments in all of that time too. How could I know he didn't want it if he attended every single appt with me?!

OP posts:

PhoenixReisling · 16/12/2015 16:17

green what?!

Posted on the wrong thread me thinks.

lexlees · 16/12/2015 16:18

"Not allowed" ???? This has alarm bells all over it. Why do you allow him to 'not allow' or 'allow' something? That alone makes it partly your own fault for letting him have a say in what you do. Take a stand - grow a pair!

Spend all of Christmas eve/day garnering support to your opportunity to go the concert and telling them what a dick dh is. Then go to the concert. But do make sure you are in a fit state when you go and take a cushion or whatever back support with you.

hownottofuckup · 16/12/2015 16:31

arabia why discuss it? Really? What an odd thing to say.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 16/12/2015 18:16

This stupid bullshit of purposefully posting on the wrong thread has gone too far. On serious threads like this is just smacks of childish little dicks out for a giggle at the expense of serious conversation.

Looks at GreenTomatoJam

OP, I hope you manage to enjoy the theatre trip and that when you eventually divorce the pathetic cretin you're married to that you take him to the cleaners.

TheWitTank · 16/12/2015 18:40

He is a controlling dickhead. He cancelled the IVF, he tells you when you can go out and where and for how long -he thinks that he has the right to do this and you should obey his greater knowledge and superiority. Telling you that "everyone" thinks you are a dick was a way of beating you down and making you feel shit. I wouldn't be surprised at all if that was utter rubbish or that he has over exaggerated your theatre trip to make it sound like you are piss taking.
I'm so glad you are getting out. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon

SolidGoldBrass · 16/12/2015 18:58

OP, do you get wages? Or are you working for your 'keep' and given the occasional chunk of pocket money? The more you post about your H the more potentially dangerously abusive he sounds. He appears to consider you property rather than a human being and expects your unquestioning obedience.

I would strongly advise that you consult a solicitor and, if you have access to money (I won't be very suprised if it turns out that you don't), squirrel some away. This man is going to be difficult to get away from, though at least once it's done you will be able to cut ties with him completely.

Original poster

HappyFuckinChristmas · 16/12/2015 19:11

No! It is not like that at all. I am on the payroll legally, it is also one of my jobs.

We both have separate bank accounts. Money has never ever been as issue between us.

OP posts:

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