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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me or H?

103 replies

HappyFuckinChristmas · 16/12/2015 12:08

Please can you tell me if I abu or he is?

I have been out of hospital for a week, after having 2 back operations. I have a 6 week sicknote for work (family business - his).

A couple of days ago I got free tickets for a show on the 8th January. I am back in work on the 18th. I told H when he got home and said I'm glad its while I'm off so I don't have to worry about going or taking time off work for it. Well war broke out then! He has basically said I'm a pisstaker and if I'm well enough to go out having a laugh with my friend I'm well enough to go to work.

This is a 2 hour max show and is totally different to sitting in an office chair for 8 hours a day! He has told me that he's told everyone in work and everyone thinks I'm a dick and out of order.

I wasn't allowed to go to my friends who only lives down the road and would be picking me up too, on Saturday night for an hour either, same story if you're well enough to go there you're well enough to go to work. Bear in mind it is perfectly fine for me to go to his mothers all day on xmas eve with the family who all think I'm a dick!

Before you tell me to LTB, I've already said I want a divorce. Not because of this! This is the last thing in a long line of shit he's done to me. I just want aibu opinions because he is making me doubt myself with guilt trips about work.

OP posts:
PhoenixReisling · 16/12/2015 13:55

And cancelling the IVF without discussing it with you, speaks volumes about your relationship that he thinks he is the boss and you are less than him.

I know this is off topic but can you look for another job?

Alicewasinwonderland · 16/12/2015 14:00

wow, if I see any member of staff out and about whilst on sick leave, I won't put them forward for promotion or bonus to say the least.

Whilst I don't expect unwell people to come back too soon, and the problem is usually more about commute than the actual office, if I see their face at a show or a sport event, they won't stay long.

Original poster
HappyFuckinChristmas · 16/12/2015 14:01

My parents live 260 miles away, otherwise I would go stay with them for a while. They are supposed to be staying with us on Christmas and Boxing day. I haven't told them any of this yet, I don't know how to. It is such a mess. I feel like everyone's Christmas will be ruined because of meSad

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyFuckinChristmas · 16/12/2015 14:02

Thanks Alice Blush

OP posts:
Shakey15000 · 16/12/2015 14:02

What everyone else has said. And enjoy the show with plenty of Wine afterwards. And on Christmas eve with Cake And every day for the rest of your life to celebrate getting rid of this horrible twat. Thanks

Aeroflotgirl · 16/12/2015 14:03

Oh no, I would telephone them, tell them, and go there and stay for a bit. Alice being sick does not mean your chained to the house or bed, op only went out for a couple of hours and she was sitting watching a show, not running a marathon Hmm.

Original poster
HappyFuckinChristmas · 16/12/2015 14:04

I would have been out of the house for max 4 hours in all of 6 weeks. Do you think I should not go to his parents for Christmas eve also because I would be out and about enjoying myself

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 16/12/2015 14:04

It's not because of you. It's because your H is an inconsiderate knob who begrudges decent, relaxing recovering to his wife after operations.

My mum is off for 2 weeks after surgery. She's been shopping and things. She's off because that is what a doctor wants, doesnt mean she cant leave the house. She'd go stir crazy if she couldnt.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/12/2015 14:05

I would, you have toi put you and your mental health first, I would not be spending what is meant to be a very happy time with a twat and his soon to be ex family.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/12/2015 14:06

I woulden't go to his parents, he can go himself, I would enjoy it more by myself, invite a friend over if that is possible.

StrictlyMumDancing · 16/12/2015 14:09

I had surgery on my arm. I was signed off for a while because my work was office and computer based, so using my arm was an issue. However during my sick leave I attended a sports event with my family. At no point was my arm required to do anything more than live in its brace. My boss was livid because she thought that meant I should have been able to work. My surgeon wrote her a very nice note pointing out that he would happily sign me as fit for work if she adjusted it enough so I didn't have to use my arm, but that he actively encouraged not sitting on my butt at home all day as that wouldn't aid my recovery. My surgeon rocked.

Do you reckon your surgeon would do the same for you?

hellsbellsmelons · 16/12/2015 14:12

Do you think I should not go to his parents for Christmas eve also because I would be out and about enjoying myself
Absolutely.
It's double standards.
He thinks you shouldn't go out.
He can't have it both ways.
You either can or you can't (although, fuck that, nobody would be telling me I couldn't visit a friend for an hour)
He said it and you can just follow through (not that I'm PA at all Grin )

Threesquids · 16/12/2015 14:13

Take it from someone who has had 10 back operations - sitting at a theatre show is no different from sitting in your front room or sitting in a hospital waiting room (which i've probably sat for longer than 2 hours for before!)
Going to work is a WHOLE different ball game (and this is coming from someone who went back to work remarkably sooner than the recommended time).

You have nothing to feel bad about, your soon to be ex husband is a cock.

I can bet he is like my ex, will allow you to carry on doing housework, shopping, cooking cleaning etc whilst sitting on his arse doing fuck all.

Guess what? I LTB, best thing I ever did. Found someone who loves me and would never allow me to lift a finger when I have had an operation.

I solely blame my ex for the number of ops I had to have, because of him being such a twat.

BogusCatAndThePunk · 16/12/2015 14:15

Alicewasinwonderland, I'd be very careful about saying this, you could receive a valid discrimination complaint.

My HR department tried this when I was off post back surgery (re: my bonus) and were firmly told to piss off by Occ Health and they, not me, told them they'd be raising a complaint and shown the relevant legislation. It could be pro-rated but they could not refuse to pay it if I had met the criteria while in work.

To OP, I was called by Occ Health at least once a week and asked if I'd been out and about, and if not why not. So you're husbands comments are crap

But then he is an arse hole

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/12/2015 14:16

"wow, if I see any member of staff out and about whilst on sick leave, I won't put them forward for promotion or bonus to say the least."
Then you are a shit employer alice.

Shakey15000 · 16/12/2015 14:19

You're all heart Alice Hmm

OP, the devil in me would say to go to his parents and make a big announcement ref the divorce and him calling you a dick. But in reality, I'd use his own argument of not leaving the house or "having fun" and refuse to go. Then I'd open a bottle Smile

wafflerinchief · 16/12/2015 14:19

you sound well shot of him - sorry he's turned out to be such a disappointment. Go to your parents for Christmas, don't spend anymore time with ex's family just because he wants to keep up appearances for a bit longer - why should you?

OurBlanche · 16/12/2015 14:25

Alice many moons ago had bronchitis and was signed off by my doctor and told to make a picnic, take a book and sit by the river and bask in the sunlight, drinking lots of water and taking NSAIDs. So I did.

My boss saw me and, before talking to me and before my sick note was up, started dismissal proceedings.

She was astounded when she was reprimanded by HR who, on receipt of my Drs note, decided that she was utterly reasonable, acting illegally and needed to learn some employment law - as, I suspect, do you!

PhoenixReisling · 16/12/2015 14:29

alice Hmm and Shock that you would purposely not promote somebody.

Being signed off after surgery is a little different to being signed off because of a virus. I have had many surgeries on my knees. Sitting on my arse would not have aided my recovery, I needed to slowly build up to physical movement....and hell yes if that was shopping/eating out for an hour or more etc collapsing at home afterwardsI damn well did it.

Op I would speak to your parents now. Tonight. Go to your parents for a few weeks. What is the point in carrying on and torturing yourself with a facade of being happy couple. I think if you were to tell them what you have said here and there are bound to be other nuggets then they will be upset because of how you have been treated.

Flowers
justgoandgetalife · 16/12/2015 14:35

I had similar after I'd had a breast removed when post-cancer reconstruction went wrong. My dearest friend wanted to take me out to a riverside pub to cheer me up - she was to drive me there & back - and he put the stoppers on it! Yes I'm still with TB but our relationship isn't great!

LittleMiss77 · 16/12/2015 14:39

Alice you sound like an absolute fucking joy to work for

SlaggyIsland · 16/12/2015 14:43

Alice you clearly have very little knowledge of the reasons people might be signed off, where it's still appropriate for them to be out and about on occasion.
Everything from back problems to depression.
I pity anyone who has you as a manager.

Original poster
HappyFuckinChristmas · 16/12/2015 14:45

90% of the time I am working in the office alone, so I am HR, admin, accounts, everything! We don't have Occ Health as it is a small company (9 people - 6 of those family, incl. me). His mum has been covering for me, not full time like I was though, as she is also looking after her parents. So I've been told I'm so out of order for going out while she is doing all of this. Also bearing in mind I have done quite a bit of my work before I left i.e. 6 weeks advanced work that she doesn't need to worry about!

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyFuckinChristmas · 16/12/2015 14:46

justgoandgetalife I am sorry. I hope you are feeling better now Thanks

OP posts:
Whatevva · 16/12/2015 14:54

he is def. BU and is going out of his way to be.

If you have not done it already, you need to use some of your sitting down allowance in a solicitor's office.

If you work at his company and he cancels IVF without telling you, you need to know your rights. It should not be too difficult to pick out enough examples of unreasonable behaviour from the above Wink

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