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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he gets more time with family this Christmas?

48 replies

shesaminiaturephilosopher · 15/12/2015 13:13

DP and I are planning to share Christmas between our families, with him getting from the 22nd - midday 26th with his lot, and me getting the evening of the 26th - the 28th. He's decided that we've got to leave my parents early on the 28th, and wouldn't discuss staying longer, even though he basically gets four days and I get barely two.

I'm just a bit frustrated that my family doesn't get a look in. Any ideas to convince DP to at least stay until the evening of the 28th so I can see a friend?

OP posts:

Iamnotloobrushphobic · 15/12/2015 13:16

Can't you stay on longer and let him go home?

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 15/12/2015 13:17

Agree with Iamnot

witsender · 15/12/2015 13:18

What's his reasoning?

FairyFluffbum · 15/12/2015 13:18

Point out he has longer. If he still refuses to budge say well I'll split it evenly and take one day off yours for mine.

Otherwise let him go home and you stay

TheVermiciousKnid · 15/12/2015 13:18

Why does he get to decide how long you stay?

sooperdooper · 15/12/2015 13:19

Why is he in charge? Tell him no you have plans to see a friend, so need to leave later on - why does he want to leave early?

Bupcake · 15/12/2015 13:19

Could he leave early and get a train home, and then you stay an extra day?

We've never really done the "spending equal time with both sides" thing - we spend way more time with his family, but the time with my family I find is... let's just say "more peaceful" (ie they actually sit down and talk to us and play with the DCs, rather than just piling everyone in a room and letting the volume rise as people chase each other round the house, shout over each other etc).

But if you feel you need an extra day to properly see people, then say that. You deserve time with your family as much as he does with his.

MiniCooperLover · 15/12/2015 13:19

Tell him he can feel free to leave early on the 28th but you will be staying and he will not be making decisions for you and then refusing to discuss it further !!!!

Enjolrass · 15/12/2015 13:19

Yes he is getting longer.

That doesn't necessarily mean he is being unreasonable though.

Depends on his reasoning

TeaFathers · 15/12/2015 13:23

do you have kids?
if not, please yourself. if it was me i'd tell him: "see you after xmas, in the new year" and then spend all of the holidays with my family.
i don't like being bossed around.
is he controlling in other ways?

SpecialistSnowflake · 15/12/2015 13:23

So you spend 22nd, 24rd, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and most of Boxing Day with his family, then not even 48 hours with yours?

???

Do you usually spend more time with your family, and you're alternating? Do you have children? If no dc's, then it's simple - both do your own thing. With dc's you have to be a bit more diplomatic. But you've got a shit sandwich of a deal here...

SpecialistSnowflake · 15/12/2015 13:24

Sorry, 22nd, 23rd, Christmas Eve, etc

Gottagetmoving · 15/12/2015 13:28

Why do you have to 'convince' him? Is he your boss or something?
It is ridiculous he 'decides' and won't discuss!
Do some deciding of your own for goodness sake! Either you stay longer at your family or you cut short the time with his.
You sound more like his child than his partner.

5Foot5 · 15/12/2015 13:29

DP and I are planning to share Christmas between our families

But you are not though are you? You are spending all of Christmas with his family and visiting yours afterwards.

Maybe you should make it clear that you want the situation reversed next year.

Or better still, don't get caught in to any sort of patterns or traditions but do your own thing sometimes

LagunaBubbles · 15/12/2015 13:41

Why do you feel you need to convince him?

MaxPepsi · 15/12/2015 13:44

I'm guessing you both live away from your respective families and that you only have one car between you?

If not, and you have a car each, fuck him and do your own thing. No way would DH tell me how long I could or could not stay with my family.

If you do only have one car, still fuck him and get yourself on public transport/take the car if it's yours and go to your mums on Xmas Eve.

WoodHeaven · 15/12/2015 13:53

First, You are not sharing Christmas between families. You are spending Christmas with his family and then a couple of days with yours.

A few questions;

why do you want to stay longer? Is it jsut for a friend or also to spend time with your own family?
why does your DP want to go back as early as possible? Is he getting on well with your family? Is there something he wants to do back home?
why can't you stay whilst he goes back home?
why does it look like you should be doing what he wants with no care about what you want?

pombear1 · 15/12/2015 14:13

Hang on - so he gets to have 4 days with family over the ACTUAL Christmas and you get 2 days afterwards? That is unequal on so many levels. Frankly his attitude of refusing to discuss it is childlike and the behaviour of a bully, not a partner. IMO logic and cold hard facts are often the best course of action as its hard to argue with them so here are your points
1)he gets 4 and you get 2 - how is this equal (or even close)
2) he gets xmas and you get the dregs after it - how is this equal or close

Your relationship is not a dictatorship - if he's going to be a knob about it, then your best bet is to tell him he can leave but you are staying (which might be a wise idea if him staying longer is going to turn him into a sulky teenager in front of your family). Either way - STAND YOUR GROUND.

YOU ARE NOT A PUSHOVER!

Scholes34 · 15/12/2015 14:30

Can't you ask him why the rush to get home on the 28th?

Original poster

shesaminiaturephilosopher · 15/12/2015 14:35

He wants to leave earlier so that he can have a couple of days to himself before going back to work in Jan, but he's off from this coming Friday so I'd've thought he'd get that time then! I want to stay to meet up with various grandparents and cousins as well.

We usually spend more time with his family - for every hour we spend with mine, we spend three with his!

I'll try and bring it up tonight, depending on the mood he's in when he gets back from work

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 15/12/2015 14:39

There is a lot of 'he' in your posts - 'he thinks', 'he wants', 'he says'.

Where is your voice in this relationship? Don't let him use his moods to silence you.

Gottagetmoving · 15/12/2015 16:03

I'll try and bring it up tonight, depending on the mood he's in when he gets back from work

Depending on his mood?! Sorry - but it sounds like you are scared of speaking to this man. You are supposed to be equals.
First - he is out of order to dictate how long you spend where and secondly, you should not be afraid to say what you want!
I think you have more problems than how long you spend with relatives at Christmas.
If things are the way you say - then you are living with a horrible person.

SpecialistSnowflake · 15/12/2015 16:05

Do you have kids? If not, why not just each do your own thing this Christmas?

But it could be a concern that you don't see much of your family. Does he dislike them?

MorrisZapp · 15/12/2015 16:07

Why do you have to be together after Christmas? He doesn't need to be there for you to see a friend does he.

Just do what you like and let him know. You're an adult.

KatharinaRosalie · 15/12/2015 16:10

what others have said.
Are you afraid of him?
Why does he get to decide, and you have to convince him? He's not the boss.
And if he wants some days to himself then you can stay with your family, no? Unless they live in some impossibly remote place with no public transport whatsoever, I guess.

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