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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to NOT apologise for Child Maintenance double standards?

110 replies

VaticanAssassin · 15/12/2015 12:29

DH and i are friends with a couple, and have been for a long time. Now we've fallen out.
Both have children from former rships- he pays child maintenance to his XW for their child, she receives C.M from her XP for her DC she had with him.
On separate occasions in the past, including this year, she has openly called out her XP to friends and publicly via Facebook for being late or absent with his CM payments, saying how out of order he is to not put his children over his girlfriend and his social life, they came before she did, and his unreliability only lets them all down (i totally agree with that btw).

Anyway, we've had a bloody fallout because I couldn't keep my bloody mouth shut, and would like to know if people think I actually do need to back down or not.
They came to see us Sunday for a drink at ours, and she brought up her DH's X.
"She's not happy with us at all. Because of Christmas and everything going on, we've had to text her and say we can't pay DS's money until January".

In my defence, at first I did try to be nice, and say how hard that would hit anyone a week before Christmas- can't they at least find half of it and then the other next week? She just said "Well no, and quite a bit of the money actually went on presents for DS, so technically he'll getting the money this month anyway" Angry

I had to ask because I'm a twat probably "So why is your Ex an unreliable bastard if he misses a month to you and your two, but John* does it to his Ex and son then that's fine? It doesn't make sense"

She didn't answer, the conversation went a bit awkward, then her DH made excuses about work in morning and they left.

My DH has received a msg yesterday night, from him saying I was "absolutely out of order" and "She's really upset DW, we thought she'd have apologised for that by now".

I haven't replied yet- I still don't think it was bad to call them out on double standards, or was I? Confused Friends should be able to tell each other if they think you've taken total leave of your senses shouldn't they?

Or am I just too stubborn?

I'm prepared to be told if I'm wrong, or should have just shut up Blush

OP posts:
FishWithABicycle · 15/12/2015 16:48

YANBU don't apologise, real friends can take you telling it like it is.
Money can be tight for everyone around christmas. missing a cm payment in order to splash the cash yourself is a really shitty thing to do.

Toffeelatteplease · 15/12/2015 16:50

Thing is do that and you can kiss the friendship good bye.

Not that that is necessarily a bad thing and I would be jolly tempted to do that.

Question is whether the friendship is over for you? Sometimes you just have to put the elephant back in the corner or the room...

AyeAmarok · 15/12/2015 17:17

Oh YASNBU OP and do not apologise! Unless it's the "I'm sorry you were upset with me pointing out the double standards and unfairnes" type of non-apology.

And if your friends can't tell you when you're massively fucking up and stop you making it worse, then what's the point?

ScrambledEggAndToast · 15/12/2015 17:25

You are 100% in the right OP. I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from saying something if it were a friend of mine, it would annoy me so much AngryWell done for pulling her up on it.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 15/12/2015 17:42

Well done for speaking out, her behaviour is really awful.

I'd be replying to the dh 'You are worried because DW is upset? Shouldn't you be more worried about if your son is going to have enough food, clothes, toys and shelter this Christmas, given that you've not paid maintenance?

This is a reply for when you have decided to really go for it and dance in the light of your burning bridges though!

BipBippadotta · 15/12/2015 17:53

I also think it is beyond bizarre that her dh contacted your dh about it! If you upset her, why not contact you directly? Or leave his dw to do it? Is he expecting your dh to sort you out? He sounds like a right weirdo to me.

MissingPanda · 15/12/2015 17:58

YANBU

She's a hypocrite and she didn't like you pointing it out.

RubbleBubble00 · 15/12/2015 17:59

I'd just get dh to text back saying 'what does VA have to apologise for?' Reply would be interesting

alltouchedout · 15/12/2015 18:09

I have a sort of friend who will post about the uselessness of her first child's father and how he does not contribute (agree entirely that this is appalling and unacceptable), then in her next update complain that her partner's ex is a bitch for getting csa "onto him". People are odd.

Jux · 15/12/2015 21:32

I would let dh reply as RubbleBubble says. "What has VA done that she needs to apologise for?"

DiscoDiva70 · 16/12/2015 17:21

YANBU
I agree with everyone else who says this woman is a hypocrite. She has got some bloody nerve to expect her H to withhold his maintenance, regardless whether or not she is having problems with her own ex.
Did you text back Op?

Perfectlypurple · 16/12/2015 17:27

yanbu. My dh has paid well over what the csa amount was, had money taken out of his account etc. When dsd came to live with us her mum didn't give her us a penny. We also have paid all the costs associated with uni, her mum seems to think she does not have any financial obligation at all to help her with uni but expects us to.

I hate the double standard.

howtorebuild · 16/12/2015 17:34

People like a monster to hate, you ruined their fantasy with the reality, that they are the monsters so they turn you into the monster, they can't function without a scapegoat.

cannotlogin · 16/12/2015 17:36

I am sure,technically, the polite thing would be to skirt the issue

skirting the issue is what makes the non-payment of maintenance acceptable across so many social circles, particularly where an ex may have re-married 'well' or have a job that pays more than the ex. Way too many women out there happy to be with men who refuse to support their children and, it seems, many, many women happy that payments are made late as long as they are benefitting in some way.

It is time to stamp this kind of shite out of people but lord knows, it's very, very deeply ingrained in our society.

Nonidentifyingnc · 16/12/2015 17:38

The h is bloody rude in contacting your h about it. Does he think your h is the boss of you and should reel you back in? For texting your dh alone, he should get a big fuck off!

Don't apologise. You are right. And she is a twat for posting all her gripes on fb - one day her dc will see it. Once you've posted, that info exsts forever.

howtorebuild · 16/12/2015 17:38

My dh has paid well over what the csa amount was, had money taken out of his account etC CSA can take an extra 40% when they have a long standing habitual financial abusing parent.

howtorebuild · 16/12/2015 17:48

When dsd came to live with us her mum didn't give her us a penny If he owed lots of CSA backpayments she may have been assessed as not needing to pay anything.

Perfectlypurple · 16/12/2015 18:31

howtorebuild my dh was not a long standing habitually financial abusing parent. Nor did he owe any back pay. They never went through csa,he paid a massive amount.. He was on £21,000 a year. He paid £650 a month for a year then £450 a month for a further 9 years. The abusive person was his ex. That is the reason dsd came to live with us. Her mother was nasty, controlling and she pushed dsd away because of this. She also emptied out his bank account, he had a substantial pay out from his job. He never saw a penny. She is now living mortgage free because of this and he had a lot of debt because he had nothing. We have also paid for extras, a lot of extras, because it was for his daughter.

VestalVirgin · 16/12/2015 20:17

If they actually didn't have the money because her ex didn't pay, then that'd be reasonable. However, as she mentioned Christmas as the reason, that doesn't seem to be the case.

They just made a decision to prioritize presents.

user7755 · 16/12/2015 20:21

Perfectly - you have forgotten the MN mantra, ex husband is by default an unreliable twat who always tries to skank the ex-wife, who is by default entirely blameless.

Senpai · 16/12/2015 20:25

You're right of course.

Now you get to choose.

Do you value your friendship, or your ego?

itsbetterthanabox · 16/12/2015 20:32

You are right but the wrong person is upset. Her ex is wrong when he doesn't pay and her current partner is wrong when he doesn't. Not her. You've made this about the women involved but it's the men who are the absent parents who need to pay.

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 16/12/2015 20:37

I suspect she/they are mostly upset because you've called them out being unreasonable, they don't like the truth & can't find any real way to justify it. Saying that he'll get a lot of his maintenance this month, in the form of gifts, is a pretty weak defence of an indefensible position, and they know it. You've held a mirror up & they don't like what they see.

I would not bother with them any more, unless they have previously been pretty solid friends before now. Suspect someone who acts like this will not react well to any olive branch in any case.

missymayhemsmum · 16/12/2015 20:57

Er so presumably your DH's response to his friend was 'I can't understand why DW was upset, it was you Vatican was calling a crap parent, not her. I can't believe you'd be late with maintenance, ffs, I thought you were a decent bloke!

StealthPolarBear · 16/12/2015 21:12

Do let us know when you hear back