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Original poster

..to NOT apologise for Child Maintenance double standards?

110 replies

VaticanAssassin · 15/12/2015 12:29

DH and i are friends with a couple, and have been for a long time. Now we've fallen out.
Both have children from former rships- he pays child maintenance to his XW for their child, she receives C.M from her XP for her DC she had with him.
On separate occasions in the past, including this year, she has openly called out her XP to friends and publicly via Facebook for being late or absent with his CM payments, saying how out of order he is to not put his children over his girlfriend and his social life, they came before she did, and his unreliability only lets them all down (i totally agree with that btw).

Anyway, we've had a bloody fallout because I couldn't keep my bloody mouth shut, and would like to know if people think I actually do need to back down or not.
They came to see us Sunday for a drink at ours, and she brought up her DH's X.
"She's not happy with us at all. Because of Christmas and everything going on, we've had to text her and say we can't pay DS's money until January".

In my defence, at first I did try to be nice, and say how hard that would hit anyone a week before Christmas- can't they at least find half of it and then the other next week? She just said "Well no, and quite a bit of the money actually went on presents for DS, so technically he'll getting the money this month anyway" Angry

I had to ask because I'm a twat probably "So why is your Ex an unreliable bastard if he misses a month to you and your two, but John* does it to his Ex and son then that's fine? It doesn't make sense"

She didn't answer, the conversation went a bit awkward, then her DH made excuses about work in morning and they left.

My DH has received a msg yesterday night, from him saying I was "absolutely out of order" and "She's really upset DW, we thought she'd have apologised for that by now".

I haven't replied yet- I still don't think it was bad to call them out on double standards, or was I? Confused Friends should be able to tell each other if they think you've taken total leave of your senses shouldn't they?

Or am I just too stubborn?

I'm prepared to be told if I'm wrong, or should have just shut up Blush

OP posts:
ColdWhiteWinePlease · 15/12/2015 12:56

I think you did the right thing. It sounds like they talk about their Exes and the money arrangement an awful lot (yawn), and what are you expected to be, just a sounding board? Of course not. They sound selfish and hypocritical. And as for putting things on FB. Uugh.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 15/12/2015 12:57

She really doesn't sound that nice, I'm not sure I'd be making a move towards anything that looks even vaguely like an apology.

Original poster
VaticanAssassin · 15/12/2015 12:59

Micah Shock that is shocking double standards, i can't believe some people are actually agreeing with her! That would absolutely infuriate me.

I also have a DSS(13), we pay regular maintenance for, but if he came to live with us in those circumstances, we would absolutely expect the maintenance agreement to be reversed to us from his XP. You are totally right to expect the same.

OP posts:
willconcern · 15/12/2015 13:01

I agree with you. I wouldn't apologise. It upset her because she knows you are right.

I'm not sure why it would be polite to skirt round the issue - I would have said something too, along the lines of what you said!

It really irritates me when people air their dirty laundry on FB.

TheTigerIsOut · 15/12/2015 13:02

I really can't see why they expect DH's X to wait for the maintenance after Christmas when she might be needing it dearly this month, and that without considering how much they complain about the other parent that doesn't pay.

I would be happy to loose a friendship over something like this. So well done you, saying you were out of order is just about deflecting blame. They know they are the ones that are out of order, but won't be prepared to accept it even to themselves.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 15/12/2015 13:03

A true friend will always call another out on behaviour like this. Sounds like you pointed out she is a huge hypocrite and she did not take kindly to it. However, her husband not paying towards his child this time of year is awful. So what if it went towards presents bought for him - what about any extras his mum wanted to get him with that money? What if he needed new school things ready for January term and that money was to cover it? Selfish, awful behaviour with weak excuses to cover it - they should feel ashamed, not blame you for pointing out their poor behaviour. Do not apologise - at most use the PA line of 'I'm sorry you feel that way, but you must understand how you cannot moan about one partner not paying CM on time, whilst doing exactly the same yourselves. However that is your perogative to do so. Again, sorry pointing this out has caused you to feel hurt'.

NickiFury · 15/12/2015 13:03

The only way she'd get an apology from me is if she stuck a pen in my cold dead hand and used that to write it herself.

She sounds like an absolute twat.

Original poster
VaticanAssassin · 15/12/2015 13:04

MamaTJ yes, she is on my FB friends...I'd love to see what his DS's Mum would make of it all too tbh.

Must remember to never think of this when Ive next had a few Wine Blush

OP posts:
KitZacJak · 15/12/2015 13:05

Well, you told her the truth and she didn't like it. At least you weren't slagging her off behind her back. If she doesn't want to get caught out, she shouldn't be telling everyone her business.

NickiFury · 15/12/2015 13:05

Oh forgot to add, as does her arsehole husband.

HermioneWeasley · 15/12/2015 13:06

Well, pointing out bad behaviour rarely ends well IME (no, I can't keep my mouth shut either!). Congratulate yourself on having lost these tossers from your life with little effort.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 15/12/2015 13:06

Scroll back through her timeline and 'like' all of those posts.

OldFarticus · 15/12/2015 13:08

She sounds like an absolute twat and you were right to pull her up on it.

I would be telling her to whistle for an apology too.

MammaTJ · 15/12/2015 13:12

oh DrGoogle is far more subtle than me! Great idea!

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 15/12/2015 13:16

Big fat YANBU.

witsender · 15/12/2015 13:17

I'm with Nicki. It'd be a cold day in hell before I apologised for that.

amarmai · 15/12/2015 13:24

yanbu op. Being a Truthteller does make life uncomfy at times.

Original poster
VaticanAssassin · 15/12/2015 13:25

MrsGentlyBenevolent this is exactly how I see it too, my F left my DM when I was 3, she was a SP, and for all his failings he was reliable with Maintenance out of guilt probably
She was v.young (19) and told me when things were bad she used to borrow from rent for food/bills, then put it back with CM before rent was due iyswim, she had no close family so juggled money until she was in a better situation. It worked, luckily for her (and me!).

If my F had done that to her at Christmas, there's a chance we might not have gas to heat food, let alone a good Christmas!

I know that's an extreme, and things have improved a lot in the last 30/40 years for SPs, but it's terrible to do that to someone at any time.

OP posts:
Riderontheswarm · 15/12/2015 13:26

She sounds like a horrible and selfish person. What if his ex can't afford to give her son the Christmas she wanted to now? Your friend would be kicking up a storm if her ex let her son down at Christmas but thinks it fine for her DP to do the same to his kid. I would not apologize and I would not be wanting a friend like that.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 15/12/2015 13:27

Scroll back through her timeline and 'like' all of those posts.

Outstanding idea Grin She is never going to speak to you again anyway.

Suggested response
I'm sorry you were upset by my comments yesterday about the CM for DSS. I was quite taken aback given your very strong views on the subject generally and public position on FB, so possibly I was a little tactless as a result. Don't you think it's a bit of double standard though Grin

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 15/12/2015 13:28

I wonder if they will suddenly find the money now though....

RaspberryOverload · 15/12/2015 13:30

I wouldn't want a friend with double standards like this.

If you owe CM, you pay it. She wants to have her cake and eat it, and ultimately it's the children who suffer.

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 15/12/2015 13:35

Worst time of year to do it, just because they have overspent at Christmas. Hardly like the mortgage company/landlord/water/electric etc are all going to say to her "oh you know what, it is Christmas, miss this month love and just pay in Jan".

BlackeyedSusan · 15/12/2015 13:36

yanbu. and micah, bloody hell that is outstandingly shocking.

Whatevva · 15/12/2015 13:37

Well you could have skirted round the issue and changed the subject, but you would not have felt the same way about her and probably would not bother inviting her again.

Or she would have just carried on regardless and you would have a bigger falling out.

I think going out of your way to tell her what you did would have been a bit off, but if you were cornered, what she was saying was indefensible.

Hope they do suddenly find the money.