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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to NOT apologise for Child Maintenance double standards?

110 replies

VaticanAssassin · 15/12/2015 12:29

DH and i are friends with a couple, and have been for a long time. Now we've fallen out.
Both have children from former rships- he pays child maintenance to his XW for their child, she receives C.M from her XP for her DC she had with him.
On separate occasions in the past, including this year, she has openly called out her XP to friends and publicly via Facebook for being late or absent with his CM payments, saying how out of order he is to not put his children over his girlfriend and his social life, they came before she did, and his unreliability only lets them all down (i totally agree with that btw).

Anyway, we've had a bloody fallout because I couldn't keep my bloody mouth shut, and would like to know if people think I actually do need to back down or not.
They came to see us Sunday for a drink at ours, and she brought up her DH's X.
"She's not happy with us at all. Because of Christmas and everything going on, we've had to text her and say we can't pay DS's money until January".

In my defence, at first I did try to be nice, and say how hard that would hit anyone a week before Christmas- can't they at least find half of it and then the other next week? She just said "Well no, and quite a bit of the money actually went on presents for DS, so technically he'll getting the money this month anyway"

I had to ask because I'm a twat probably "So why is your Ex an unreliable bastard if he misses a month to you and your two, but John* does it to his Ex and son then that's fine? It doesn't make sense"

She didn't answer, the conversation went a bit awkward, then her DH made excuses about work in morning and they left.

My DH has received a msg yesterday night, from him saying I was "absolutely out of order" and "She's really upset DW, we thought she'd have apologised for that by now".

I haven't replied yet- I still don't think it was bad to call them out on double standards, or was I? Friends should be able to tell each other if they think you've taken total leave of your senses shouldn't they?

Or am I just too stubborn?

I'm prepared to be told if I'm wrong, or should have just shut up

OP posts:

StoptheRavelry · 15/12/2015 13:38

I think tbh I could not be friends with someone who posted such OTT crap all over facebook anyway. (I don't even do facebook, but YGWIM)

I hate public shaming of other people on social media. It's really undignified and unnecessary.

As much as I resent my first child's father for various things, it's just not something I'd ever do? Maybe I'm weird. But I don't think so.

Bitch about in private, well of course. Facebook, to a load of people who don't know the circumstances and have never even met the guy - crappy behaviour.

She deserved to be told and I'm glad someone did so.

JumpingJack56 · 15/12/2015 13:40

Stuff that, I wouldn't have kept my mouth shut either two faced twats and the only reply I would be sending to her husbands text (and I would copy it to the wife's phone too) would be
'I don't feel I need to apologise for my opinion yesterday. I'm as entitled to have and share my opinion just as much as your entitled to publically share your opinion on your ex for doing precisely what you are now with maintainance payments. I was merely as a friend pointing out the double standards in what you are doing to xxx mum, the unfairness of it so close to Christmas especially and how you feel when it is done to you, I apologise if you find that upsetting. Wishing you all he best for Christmas and the new year.'

MascaraAndConverse89 · 15/12/2015 13:42

No you're absolutely right. Its just one of them things- she's the RP of her children and he's the NRP of his children. Money comes in for one set of children, money goes out for other children for their main household.

All I would say is that the CM she receives doesn't go in to the family pot and doesn't go towards his children for anything.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/12/2015 13:46

I have nothing more to add to what's been said, other than to applaud you for speaking out, Vatican. It would have been much easier to have muttered or changed the subject, but you stood up for what was right!

TremoloGreen · 15/12/2015 13:47

YANBU. I have cut off a friend' (not one of years though, just a neighbour I was friendly with) because she started campaigning against the new child maintenance laws in NZ. Basically, her husband has a child back in NZ, and they recntly changed their law there so now it doesn't matter how many new children you have, you don't get any rebate in your responsibility to your existing children (how sensible, I hope it is the same here). She thinks this is unreasonable, because she chose to have two more children with him that they can barely afford. Off the friend list with you!

BipBippadotta · 15/12/2015 13:48

MammaTJ and DrGoogle have some brilliant ideas. I'm in awe of you, OP, for saying this - it's the sort of thing I always wish I had the guts to do: just sensibly, matter-of-factly, point something out in someone's thinking that blatantly doesn't add up. Instead I say nothing & bitch afterwards & have endless imaginary conversations with them in my head. Well done I say! As for apologising - I don't think you meant offence, you were genuinely baffled by the sounds of it. Could you do the 'I'm sorry you were upset by it'?

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 15/12/2015 14:00

I agree with you on all counts - she has been hypocritical and didn't like it being called out.

I'm not normally a fan of 'I'm sorry you're upset' type apologies but I think this one calls for nothing more!

(I'm also the type that can't keep my mouth shut)

TempusEedjit · 15/12/2015 14:01

YABU. They still spent it on the DS, they obviously bought him presents that will clothe him, feed him and pay the bills at his mum's house. Totally different to your poor friend's situation

AlpacaPicnic · 15/12/2015 14:05

Well, I think you are great for saying something to her face and not just moaning behind her back. She does sound like a total hypocrite - imagine her fury if her ex dp decided that he was going to do the same!

I couldn't be friends with someone who acted and behaved so unfairly.

MrsToddsShortcut · 15/12/2015 14:11

Please don't apologise. Or if you like, you could tell her how sorry you are to discover that both the men she chose to have children with are irresponsible when it comes to maintenance payments. Although she will definitely never speak to you again!

I'm more disgusted with her husband to be honest. She's guilty of cognitive dissonance about her relationship but for him to choose not to make a maintenance payment for his son in December, so that he can have a nicer Christmas and only tell his ex the week before is absolutely despicable. What an utter utter toerag.

(I am in no way influenced by the fact that my ExH, without any warning dropped maintenance payments from £200pcm to £5 two years ago with disastrous results for my rent payments that month and many embarrasssing conversations with the letting agents, followed by some extreme belt tightening and rejigging of finances.)

Enjolrass · 15/12/2015 14:17

I wouldn't even say 'I am sorry you are upset'

But then if this was my friend trying to justify this, I wouldn't be that fussed about how they felt.

I remember a friend moaning about how her and her dh couldn't afford to have a third child because of how much they were paying to his ex for his 2 dds.

And the ex dared to buy a newish car that my friend liked telling everyone that she had paid for.

I told her she was being ridiculous and didn't really care what she felt.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/12/2015 14:20

Yanbu.

Tuff like this only becomes less acceptable when enough people challenge it

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/12/2015 14:22

Stuff obviously

shinynewusername · 15/12/2015 14:28

The fact that they are spending it on presents for the DS makes it worse, not better. They are buying them with the ExW's money - so they get to look generous while she won't have the cash to get her DS what he wants .

Horrible people, YADefinitelyNBU.

Twinklefuck · 15/12/2015 14:28

Yanbu. Scummy thing to do, especially at Christmas!

OldFarticus · 15/12/2015 14:36

Or if you like, you could tell her how sorry you are to discover that both the men she chose to have children with are irresponsible when it comes to maintenance payments. Although she will definitely never speak to you again!

OP, please do this! You will entertain the whole of MN and no longer have to endure a massive twat like her, so it's win/win!

PiperChapstick · 15/12/2015 14:36

YANBU. Real friends should be able to tell their mates when they're being a twat and their friends should have their big girl pants on in listening to them. The best friendship I have my fat is with someone who I can be brutally honest with and vice versa, we don't pander to each other or say what the other wants to hear

Arfarfanarf · 15/12/2015 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BipBippadotta · 15/12/2015 14:51

Also... do you think it may have been your mate's DH who was most offended by it, and he's pinning it on her? The text came from him, not your mate. Maybe she's dying of shame right now and will send an apology of her own...?

IGotAPea · 15/12/2015 15:01

I hate confrontation but I couldn't have not said anything either.

CM is a fixed outgoing, not something like Netflix than be cancelled for a month when you're short.

Every parent budgets gifts for dc around their outgoings, and making her wait for CM should have even been an option. It shoudlnt even have entered into anyone's head in the first place. If they've overspent it's their problem to sort, not to dump on his ex and his child. And your friend sounds like she doesn't think she should get it in January as they've spent it on the dc gifts anyway!? Well if this means ex can no longer buy gifts, they should take the present they have bought with her money back to the shop for refunds. Or send the gifts to the ex so that she can them.

Why didn't they miss the mortgage payment and tell them to wait? Prob cos they know how twatty it is.

Why should the ex be faced with less or nothing for her ds for Xmas, while the dad looks generous. When it's dad and his wife who have taken the money from the child? They should be the ones who have to explain to him that they prioritised themselves over him.

I really really hope ex will be able to get through without any hardship, do you know if she will manage food and rent etc? It's shit that they did this full stop, but to do it at Xmas is an extra kick. I couldn't be friends with people who are happy to shit all over a child like this.

Original poster

VaticanAssassin · 15/12/2015 16:04

Thank you all for the overwhelming response that I wasn't actually BU! I didn't think I was, and if I hadn't said anything I'd only have been quietly stewing while they'd been here.
I was hoping that I wasn't actually just being an outspoken swine before I respond to her (and him). I'm going to go along the, "I'm sorry if pulling you up on your double standards where each of your DCs are concerned offended you both"

Yes Bipbippadotta I wondered that too, since he hasn't responded at all and it is his actions toward DS that prompted the problem in the first place.

OP posts:

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 15/12/2015 16:10

Or if you like, you could tell her how sorry you are to discover that both the men she chose to have children with are irresponsible when it comes to maintenance payments

That is absolute genius, please please please do that!

Original poster

VaticanAssassin · 15/12/2015 16:15

^ I agree that is^ genius

OP posts:

Toffeelatteplease · 15/12/2015 16:36

StoptheRavelry · 15/12/2015 16:44

No need to rub her nose in it - it makes you look like you're enjoying it? (I would, too, but still!)

Just be direct - you haven't apologised because you thought it a valid point - she is very vocal about her own ex not paying up, so you had expected that her current partner would not be like that, and you were quite disappointed to find that he was.

And you're sorry if it came across as an attack - you were just a bit shocked.

Something like that?

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