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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that an intelligent, married, successful woman

56 replies

winkywinkola · 14/12/2015 20:59

does not ask a married man out for coffee two days after crying on his shoulder about the state of her marriage because she wants to offer support and kindness to the man about his unhappiness in his marriage?

Aibu to think that both parties had absolutely no interest in assisting their current marriages by meeting again?

Obviously an inappropriate friendship was struck up but the married man seems to think there was no intention from either party to generate romance?

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 14/12/2015 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 14/12/2015 21:01

What is happening here, winky ?

ghostyslovesheep · 14/12/2015 21:02

why not?

TheoriginalLEM · 14/12/2015 21:03

well he clearly has disclosed too much to this woman about his marriage for a start.

TimeToMuskUp · 14/12/2015 21:03

I think sometimes even successful, intelligent, married people do stupid shit. And that everyone screws up sometimes. It just depends how and if they can put things right. And if they want to.

Original poster
winkywinkola · 14/12/2015 21:06

Just mulling AF. It's exactly a year since I found out. I've had three glasses of wine.

H has been on ADs since April. He is a changed man. It's remarkable. No anger. Nothing. Calm, normal. He says he should have been on them since he was 18. He cringes about last year, he says. He felt he was on the brink financially (I didn't know about this) and I was remote - mostly because he was such behaving like such a c*nt.

Actions speak louder than words. As cynical as I am, I can't fault his behaviour. Loving, attentive, kind, supportive. For months and months.

I just still don't understand how someone can do that and then say, "It wasn't at all like that," when I accused him of falling for this woman and told him to leave to be with her. He wouldn't. Crying etc. But if our marriage was so bad, he should have gone.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/12/2015 21:11

Just mulling AF

OK. Thanks

Original poster
winkywinkola · 14/12/2015 21:32

Thanks AF

OP posts:
SushiAndTheBanshees · 14/12/2015 21:43

Not sure I understand what's going on, but in answer to your original question of whether such a woman would do such a thing with pure intentions: yes, I think it's entirely possible.

Two people going through similar experiences, at the same time...why wouldn't they discuss it? If they're friends, it'd kind of be funny not to wouldn't it?

The fact that she's intelligent, married and successful doesn't really have anything to do with it in my opinion.

I would say only a suspicious mind would go where yours seems to be going. Are you suspicious?

Original poster
winkywinkola · 14/12/2015 21:46

Not friends. Met for the first time at a networking event. She cries when she meets him. She explains her bad marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
winkywinkola · 14/12/2015 21:57

I still think about it a year on.

She's a very successful woman professionally. It makes me feel very inadequate.

The emails I saw were full of xxxxxxs and missing youxxxx

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/12/2015 22:06

Of course you still think about it

Your husband put your marriage in serious jeopardy for an ego stroke

You are not lesser than her. Your husband is lesser than you, though.

Bubbletree4 · 14/12/2015 22:09

Being intelligent and successful doesn't prevent that person from being an utter bitch as well. I suppose the only positive that you can take from it is that the OW clearly was the instigator and used emotional manipulation to snag your rather weak willed and naive husband.

Original poster
winkywinkola · 14/12/2015 22:11

I think he is a bit naive but not that naive. I don't think she is naive at all. She was angry when he told her he wasn't going to meet her anymore.

OP posts:
SushiAndTheBanshees · 14/12/2015 22:14

Well, she's obviously not that intelligent if she meets a random at a networking event, probably has a drink and then starts crying on him and talking about her marriage.

I think this is about your insecurities. She's clearly not got her shit together/ is in a bad place. You really don't want to be comparing yourself to that.

As for the emails - that's a whole different ball-game. That I WOULD be suspicious of. In fact, it's pretty strong evidence of the intentions of whoever signed off like that.

AnyFucker · 14/12/2015 22:15

winky, come on

you are not still laying the blame at her door are you ?

Original poster
winkywinkola · 14/12/2015 22:26

Nope.

I've torn strips off h.

But I am just trying to get her motives.

Plus I am unorthodox on MN in that I don't believe the ow is blameless.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/12/2015 22:32

A year later you won't get any answers as to her motives. And I was really picking up on your willingness to go along with posters that are new to your situation who are heading off down a "he was tempted because she threw herself at him" path. You know my thoughts on the matter though, lovey.

Original poster
winkywinkola · 14/12/2015 22:34

Please show me what willingness I've shown to agree with those posters AF?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/12/2015 22:34

Anyway, I am sorry you are still plagued and unsettled by what he did.

I'll leave you to it now x

AnyFucker · 14/12/2015 22:37

Cross posted. I don't want to derail your support.

spaceyboo · 14/12/2015 22:37

When people are depressed they can do things that don't make any sense (even to themselves). As long as stuff like this isn't happening now then for your sake try to get over it.

breezydoesit · 14/12/2015 22:40

Two to tango winky but I'm like you and think about things very deeply. He's a knob, she's a knob but to discuss your marriage with another woman just seems disloyal

MuttonCadet · 14/12/2015 22:44

No they don't, but neither does a professional happily married man respond.

Do not judge yourself against these two, if you have agreed to try again with your DH then he should be doing everything in his power to make you feel secure and loved.

Thanks
sleeponeday · 14/12/2015 22:45

Nothing constructive to offer (very late and bad week - no brain capacity) but Flowers

Glad things are on a better trajectory now, and sorry he was such a knob.