Am I a inferior person to dh?

[onlyif]

Its that time of year again when the Christmas cards arrive an my irritation begins to bubble.
I write an send the Christmas cards to friends an family, dh does none at all.

I always write on them from onlyif and dh, as please correct me if I'm wrong here, I thought female is written first, and Im writing them.
All the cards we receive from friends an family say dear dh other family members an onlyif last then to add to the insult always finish with female first then their dh. I feel like a none person. I know this is small and petty on world scale dramas but is it me being unreasonable here?

For example, I would write
To Lisa & Colin & family
From elf, Mr Elf & dc

If my partner writes his cards, he'd do Mr Elf, elf & dc

It's quite funny to think of women sitting down in 2015 to write a bunch of Christmas cards "To man and wife" from "Husband and wife" and getting the same back again from the other wife. Absolutely barmy, really.

Casta argh, it gives me the rage! But you are completely right - it's all about the reinforcement of traditional gender stereotyping where the woman does the "low value" yet necessary types of work, whether that's wrapping presents, wiping noses or helping students over a bump. A male colleague has started making pointed comments that my students generally perform well because I "coach" them - no, I don't coach them, but I do respond to their queries, let them come and see me, and generally answer their questions. I might consider a PA T shirt with "my empathic/empathetic vagina is limited" for future departmental meetings

The problem seems that the only way to subvert these stereotypes is by refusing to conform to them - and yet, in many cases, that has the capacity to bring harm to a third party, whether a struggling student or a DC/DN etc Or just to expect men to do an equal share of all tasks, and let us have an equal share of the glamour too? It really puzzles my - my DF grew up in a very traditional home, and yet, despite his age and generation, is an extreme New Man by many standards: but I work with people 40 and 50 years younger than him who seem to have been brought up with the notion that 1880s sexism and paternalism is to be encouraged at all times.

MNetters of the world, unite! Get your DPs involved in writing cards and wrapping gifts, and show your sons that this is the way equality functions - it might be too late for my generation, but save your daughters now !

I do the cards, but if writing to my family it's susannahd, DH & DS, to his family it's DH, susannahd & ds

As I and my family and friends are v disorganised so we have sent, and received, a total of 2 cards to date. One to Mrs French + Mr French though they know him far better than me. Another to Mr French + Mrs French though they have only met him a couple of times and I am close to them. I conclude they pay as little attention as me to who comes first. I agree withothers on some names just sounding better one way round rather than another.

hef

You are so funny. Nothing would be done if I didn't do it, well except for high things as I'm short and scared of climbing or ladders.

I am Santa in this house and always have been, I find life is far too short to bother about who does what.
I really don't like digging the garden, cleaning cars, sweeping and cleaning paths, going in the loft or cellar, or doing a mulitude of disgusting dirty jobs that dh does.

We just do what we are happy to do and don't give a monkeys about gender roles whether we fall into one or more or not.

I always sign them from middlings, Dh, DD1 & DD2.

His brother always harrumphs about the man of the family or some such bollocks. Well then the "man of the family" should write the bloody things!

I always address the woman first eg Mary and John, but sign with DH's name first eg from DH and Gold. Hmmmm

It peevs me when DParents put DH first, also on the envelope, especially if I lose my initials too - you know Mr and Mrs FFS Smith
I think my DM when writing primarily to her DD and family might still put me first don't you?! I'd prefer to receive post addressed to Mrs MN Smith (My Name) DH will take just as much or little interest in it even when he gets first billing.
Other people I don't mind so much but I just get riled by the patriarchy when my DM can't even write to her DD (me!)
Otherwise I agree I'd put person I know best first, and then sign from me and DH and DC, since I'm the one doing the bloody things - I only send a few these days
Same on the electoral register and census - me first if I'm filling it in

Neither dp nor I really write any Christmas cards. I might do a couple for close friends who live far away but tbh I'm pretty awful at remembering to do so. Birthday cards I do for my own family and friends and dp does for his. It isn't something we sat down and discussed, just something we naturally do. I'd find it weird to send a card on his behalf to his family or friends. Only exception was his uncle's 80th birthday. I had a feeling it was going to be his last one, which it was, and wanted to send a card for that when neither of us would normally bother, so I did. Signed my name first though.

Both dp and I always sign cards 'my name, his name' regardless of who they are sent to. It's a mild act of rebellion against all the people from our families who always put his name first and give us both his surname.

I do my friends/family cards, husband does his. I do my friends/family presents, he does his, like he did before we were married.

The first year or two we were married, he thought I might do it, I said not, he did nothing, his parents got nothing. Now he's actually into present buying through Amazon and usually comes up with good gifts.

You don't have to do it if you don't want to!

Good on you HP. Shocked he thought you'd start doing it on marriage though!

I change it depending on who the card is to. I tend to address the card to the person in the couple we knew first, so "To Uni Flatmate and husband", "To Cousin and Wife/Husband", "To Auntie/Uncle (sibling of parent) and Uncle/Auntie (married in)". Mum and dad always go in that order. Then I sign them from me or DP depending on whose side the card is being sent do.

It sounds more complicated than it is, but I'd never sign a card to the PILs (for example) as from Internal, Mr Internal and the little internals, and I'd never sign a card to my friends or family with DP's name first because it's mainly from me.

How did you start writing cards on the behalf of your other half though? Do you have a chat and say I'll do cards, you do presents, or is it something you just started doing of your own accord or did he ask you? And if you're the one doing the work I can't understand why you'd put your name second no matter who the recipient was.

NewLife I agree with you - but it's clear in this case, to be pissed off about the Christmas cards, that there's probably something else going on ie OH doesn't do enough elsewhere: otherwise, it would be give and take like you and your DH have. And it certainly is interesting that the men in my profession tend to have a very strong idea of what is "woman's work" and what is men's, based around what they prefer to do, not around what we prefer - I am willing to believe that this isn't like this in all workplaces, though!

The advantage of being on your own is that you have to do it all - or it doesn't get done: I am considering getting a husband, though, as I dislike dealing with the constant slug invasion in the bathroom. I'd cheerfully wrap all gifts and write all cards in exchange for that!

I'm not letting DH anywhere need the wrapping. It's one of the Christnas 'chores' that I actually really enjoy doing.

*near

Seems to me that those bothered about always being left to do the "low value" roles are the most sexist of all! They are totally buying into the notion that anything in history that was ever done by women was of low value. In my personal opinion, that was just the value men chose to put on it and if you place equally low value on it, then you're as brainwashed as the next sexist person.

Well call me a maverick but I don't follow any specific order - sometimes I write the children's names first!

Such a rebel...

roundabout

I totally agree with you from the ironing to washing up to writing cards to parenting.

Will also add that just because you don't like doing something doesn't mean it has no value.
I really don't like ironing, my sister loves it. The result is the same lovely ironed clothes, the value being they look good.

With the xmas cards, people get to receive them and it brings them joy.
There is a lot of value here whether you actually relish the thought of doing it or not.

"I am considering getting a husband though as I dislike dealing with the constant slug invasion in the bathroom" @hef Only on Mumsnet!

Why do so many people here write all the cards? I would never write a card to dp's family, that's his job. What did others' dh's do before you got together? This is much more concerning sexism to me than the order of names (which is also annoying).

Do you have a chat and say I'll do cards, you do presents, or is it something you just started doing of your own accord or did he ask you?

My dh asked me, (long long before we were married though) what started off as bday card for his mum "you're writing is neater, mines scruffy" ended with me doing any writing, bday cards, Xmas cards, his forms.

It's only recently ( thanks to MN)that I realised how ridiculous I was, writing cards and forms for a 40 yr old man, cos he said hiw writing isn't neat. Dds isn't as neat as mine either but she doesn't ask me to do her homework for her! Dhs writing is understood perfectly at work, so it'll be fine on his own cards and forms too.

My husband wrote his own cards before he knew me.

I started to do his as well as mine as it was no bother for me to. & I had more time.

If I didn't do his he would do his own still.

We don't really do Christmas cards for lots of people (is that really still a thing?). But when we DO write cards, it's normally addressed to whoever we know better first (e.g. If we were friends with Kim first, then it would be "Kim and Bob" or vice versa).

I only use "Mr and Mrs X" on the front of an envelope, and only if actually posting a card through royal mail (not just handing it over physically).

I sign it "Goodness", then my husband writes his name afterwards. If he writes the card, then vice versa.