Am I a inferior person to dh?

[onlyif]

Its that time of year again when the Christmas cards arrive an my irritation begins to bubble.
I write an send the Christmas cards to friends an family, dh does none at all.

I always write on them from onlyif and dh, as please correct me if I'm wrong here, I thought female is written first, and Im writing them.
All the cards we receive from friends an family say dear dh other family members an onlyif last then to add to the insult always finish with female first then their dh. I feel like a none person. I know this is small and petty on world scale dramas but is it me being unreasonable here?

Flibbertigibbet Yup ! That's what you get for taking someone else's name on marriage

I know it's daft - it only bothers me because I know what it means: it's not an anti-feminist statement, but at the same time, it's definitely not a rational one either!

I am tempted to show DF this link- he is so being stitched up by DM if it's usual that writing cards is wimmin's work: besides, she has beautiful hand-writing - and he... doesn't.

On Christmas cards, I always write the woman's name first, even if it's the husband I know better - I think this is because I hate the way women tend to be asked if they are such-and-such's husband, when no-one seems to ask men if they are such-and-such's wife.

I feel differently about birthday cards and especially children's birthdays Rhoda. I would step in in that situation. Although DH always remembers, buys and writes cards for relatives etc birthday's so it's not something that's ever come up,

I write 'from him, me, kids' if it's to his family and 'from me, him, kids' if to my family. It's me who does them all, my handwriting is neater and he isn't that bothered about sending any. I sort of do it as an etiquette thing really, thinking about it if I stopped sending them to his family it's me it would reflect badly on on rather than him, which is grossly unfair!

I address either the person I knew first and partner or however I know them. Some couples I know as female & male, others male & female.

Well done hefzi, it would look really arsey wouldn't it if I just signed them onlyif. Stopped doing dh work cards years ago so he doesn't do cards anymore

Rhoda, I'm honestly still not seeing it. Why, because your SIL makes a fuss of her own side of the family for birthdays, does that make your brother any less culpable for being inattentive to his nieces and nephews? Is a wife really to be held morally responsible for her husband's neglect of family relationships? If she's highly professional at her job, for argument's sake, and he's notoriously flaky, should she parachute in to his office to make up for his inefficiency because otherwise it's unfair to his colleagues/clients?

(In fact, that's not even a joke, because I see so many mid-career female academics taking up the slack on admin tasks their senior male colleagues have left undone, because otherwise it is unfair to the students. Meanwhile they've doubled their own workload, and their male colleagues have been given the message that some little woman will always pick up the slack ..)

I get you that it's sad your children aren't being remembered on their birthdays by their uncle, but I think you're directing your blame at the wrong person.

onlyif you might look as though you've just forgotten to finish signing them - I'm quite disorganised vague, so people would totally believe this would be something I could do, without looking like an arse.

How about you set them out on the table for him, give him a pen, and set him on his way? It probably wouldn't wind you up so much if it wasn't you doing all the hard work and then being relegated in return. Just tell him it's his share towards the Christmas preparation (and if he doesn't help wrap the Christmas presents, get him in on doing that too): he might not want to do it, but I am fairly willing to bet that doing so won't actually kill him

I no longer really do Christmas cards at all. I couldn't give a toss about them.

I have chosen and sent about 4 or 5 really necessary ones via moonpig, but am not likely to do anymore.

DH would talk as if he wanted to send them to the whole extended family whom we never ever see. If he wants that then he knows where the cards and pens are.

I have no special etiquette for how I write and sign them. Can't be arsed with that malarkey.

Casta ain't that the truth? It gets me even more when a prof is in his 30s, and thinks he can be all bashful and fluttery eyelashes, and make us do it for him - when a woman would quite rightly be torn to shreds for doing the same: I even have one male colleague (at another institution) who told me that as he's "not good" at admin and meetings, it makes more sense for him to focus on his strengths. And don't get me started on how women are supposed to bear the brunt of pastoral care, because apparently, you can only have empathy if you also have a vagina

Oops, sorry: I clearly am quite cross about this! Sorry, OP, didn't mean to derail the thread.

That's just crappy I got a pea. She was just sending cards out of obligation then if u have no contact now.

She tolerated my brother and I out of obligation too tbh. She hates that I kept my Dad's name and said she should be the only mrs dad's name. After dad died, her resentment of us really showed through, wasn't a shock to me and I cut contact when she started getting really toxic but my brother stayed in touch until a few moths ago, and she really did a number on him, when he wouldn't go running to do her shopping as his dc were Ill she told him Dad never cared for us and to prove it he left 20k to her son (not my dad's )and nothing to us, he didn't want us getting it as he didn't see us as his children etc. brother cut contact then too. I have her number blocked, letters returned to her etc and she's given up me, but her and her son leave some horrible messages to my brother at 4ams and stuff, his health has suffered. Im so much better off and happier without them around, just wish they'd leave my brother alone too.

There's a family funeral next week that I'm dreading as I can't not go, but I know they will be there. The widow is worried about trouble but wants my bro and I there as she's our family, she's just been left with 7 kids at 31 year old and has enough to go through without worrying about step families kicking off at her dh funeral. I've said my bro and I will stay at back and when they approach us (cos I know they will) we will just leave and I'll wait back at house for her so I can look after the dc while she has a lie down.

Sorry for the tangent. Families eh!

Never really thought about it. I write the cards. DH doesn't bother except to get one for me and then he goes all out with a lovely poem.
So our family and my friends get cards, it's always to friend, friend's DH, friends DC. From purple, purple's DH, purple's dc.

I write cards to my family and friends who were my friends first, and my DH writes to his family and friends who were his first. I don't really think about whether it should be the woman or the man address first, I just write it according to who was my friend first!

So if I'm writing to my sister, I would address it Dear DSis and BIL. If I was writing to my brother it would be Dear DBro and SIL. If I'm writing to friends it would generally be the female first as it is usually the female that was my friend first. But if it was the male, I'd address him first. I always sign off Coffee and DH as I'm the one writing it so I write me first. My husband would write his name first.

Oh, amen to every word of that hefzi. My empathic vagina (or should that be 'empathetic vagina'?) has its limits.

And I don't think it's in fact derailing the thread at all. Who writes the Christmas cards in a household, or who rushes about buying presents for children in the extended family etc is symptomatic of the same set of assumptions that too often operate in the workplace, that the men will get on with the income-generating, high-profile research, while the women 'naturally' rush about handling essay extensions and offering pastoral support to struggling first years. It's domestic and professional 'wifework' either way. If an essay extension goes ungranted, or a student is left to struggle, whose fault is it?

I always sign from me, dh and kids.
He doesn't like xmas cards so if I don't do them they don't get done.

The cards we receive are usually to the family member first, then the spouse and kids.
Friends sign to who they knew first.

I do cards to my friends and family with my name first and best friend first. DH does his friends and family (so they don't get any). Christmas present labels I do roughly half with my name first and half with his.

His side get 'from Mr iklboo & iklboo'. My side the other way round. They're his family and my family, if that makes any sense?

Well I got a fucking card addressed to Mrs Ex-h's first name Ex-H's Surname. Which is apparently correct. So that's all right then .

We divorced this year so the Christmas cards have stung a little anyway but this one took the biscuit. Ha, never used the biscuit emoticon so I have awarded myself my first.

I write the name of the person k know best. If we know both equally I don alphabetical.

So o dbro and sil, dbros name goes first.

To friends it's would be Barbara and Phil.

Dh does his cards no idea what he does.

I don't even pay attention to whose name goes first on ours.

Mr Enjolrass name is before mine in the alphabet so I put his first.

Not about being inferior, it just sounds better in my head.

No way would I be doing cards for all his side though.

I write my name first, then DH's for "my" people and vice versa for "his" people. "Joint" people also get mine first (I'm doing the writing, I go first).

Addressing family cards, it's either the actual "friend" first (so Jo and Mike rather than Mike and Jo, where Jo is my friend) or family member (so it's Aunty A and Uncle J (because Aunty A is mum's sister) but Uncle G and Aunty I (because Uncle G is DH's dad's brother).

The only cards DH actually writes are the one for his parents, and his grandma, but that's because his writing looks like a spider has tapdanced through an ink-puddle across the page.

*

I have just looked at the two I received today. One from a school friend of mine, addressed to "Emwithme and DH" from "Friend, DH, DCs in age order". One from DH's cousin to "DH and Emwithme" from "DH, Cousin, DCs in age order". I'm sure it's DH's cousin's handwriting and I wonder why she's written her DH's name first. It may well be internalised misogyny. We've always been stroppy strong women in my family, and don't really take that kind of shit.

Agree order of names can be a subtle sexism thing...but think that the more overt sexism thing is that you are writing his cards for him?

I write my own cards, put from "Pitpat and" then leave a blank space for DH to sign, hand him the pile and he signs them. He writes his and puts from "DH and" then leaves a space and I sign my name there. Who's first that way is just about who the connection is with, not about who is more important.

Wonder if this is part of the reason cards are dying out (plus expense & hassle of cards vs comparative easieness & ubiquity of social media).

I would generally put the person I know best first - for example, if I was writing to a relative and their partner, I would put the relative's name first, regardless of gender.

Sometimes there is just a way of saying two names that sounds 'better' (like Bert & Ernie, or Morecambe & Wise) and that becomes the default order :)

I write some cards as Judy and DP, some just as me (eg people at work), and DP doesn't really bother unless it's his immediate family. Cards from my family/friends have Judy and DP, cards from his have DP and Judy. I don't give it a second thought. I think fewer people are sending cards every year, so this problem will eventually die out.

All my cards are signed from "Surly and DP", and cards to people who know DP's DCs are from "Surly, DP, DSC1 and DSC2", putting the DSCs in age order.

I have no idea how DP signs cards to his family and friends, but I suspect it's from "DP and Surly", and cards to people who know his DCs include them as well.

Mine and DP's names flow as well as they can when my name is stupid equally well whether it's my name first or his, so it's purely personal preference and ego? that means I put my name first on cards I've written.

I put my friend's or relative's name first when writing cards, and then their DH/DW, and then any DCs in descending age order. No reason really, just how I've always done it. If the card has to be posted, then it's addressed to "Mr and Mrs Surname", no initial at all. If it's going to be hand-delivered, then it's to "Friend and Partner/Spouse".

I have never written cards for DP's family and friends from us both. I made that mistake with my exDP, and resolved that I was never doing that again. I buy the cards, and he knows where they are if he wants to write them to his parents, siblings and friends, but there is no way on this earth I'm writing them for him. DP and I sort of work together, so I write all our work ones and that's quite enough, thank you!

It depends on the rhythm of the names as to which way round I write them. YABU to be so uptight about Christmas cards of all things.

It wouldn't occur to me to send DP's niece and nephew presents on his behalf.