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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a inferior person to dh?

153 replies

onlyif · 14/12/2015 13:28

Its that time of year again when the Christmas cards arrive an my irritation begins to bubble.
I write an send the Christmas cards to friends an family, dh does none at all.

I always write on them from onlyif and dh, as please correct me if I'm wrong here, I thought female is written first, and Im writing them.
All the cards we receive from friends an family say dear dh other family members an onlyif last then to add to the insult always finish with female first then their dh. I feel like a none person. I know this is small and petty on world scale dramas but is it me being unreasonable here?

OP posts:

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 14/12/2015 13:58

I normally start with my friend first, her DH, then the kids (oldest to youngest). If I know the couple equally, I'd probably do: male adult, female adult, kids oldest to youngest.

Are you saying that you are listed after the kids? That would be very odd.

It's made me think about very close relatives. I always say Mum and Dad. or Nanna and Grandad. Never the other way around. Why is that I wonder?

slithytove · 14/12/2015 14:00

If it's to my person, I write my name first. If it's to DH person, I write his name first.

I address the card to my favourite person or whichever flows best. So mum and dad not dad and mum despite liking them equally.

CastaDiva · 14/12/2015 14:03

But why are you writing cards at all to your husband's friends and extended family?

HackerFucker22 · 14/12/2015 14:04

I write the cards, doesn't bother me do it with a nice glass or two of Rioja

My method is I address card to whomever I know best first (so if it'd a female friends and her partner her nam goes first if it's DP'S brother and his partner then brothers name goes first) and I sign it from whomever knows the people best, first. So my friends are signed from me then DP and DP'S friends I sign from him then me [even though it's blatantly my writing]

timelytess · 14/12/2015 14:04

I put first the name of the person I know better - so brother's card goes to 'Tess's bro' and Wifey'.

HackerFucker22 · 14/12/2015 14:04

Excuse typos. I'm one handed.

LauraChant · 14/12/2015 14:05

I only send cards to my family and friends that I consider "mine", ie that I had first or that we met together. I refuse to write cards or buy presents for DH's family or friends, and if that means they don't get any, so be it.

But I would say there isn't a defined way of writing the names on cards. For me it varies from card and probably year to year, with the only constant being I would usually put the person I knew best first. So my cousins would probably go first and their partner second, my friends would definitely go first and their partner second, whereas Aunty X and Uncle Y , or Bill and Christine who we met at NCT classes, could go either way around.

WMittens · 14/12/2015 14:05

The question here is less about naming order and gender than about why it seems to be the norm that women do the emotional gruntwork of sending all Christmas/birthday cards on behalf of their husbands? Are they unable to write, and look up addresses, or simply too busy and important to write 'To Auntie Nuala, Happy Christmas from Z and Y xxx' thirty times?

They don't care.

I'd guess that half of those husbands wouldn't care (or notice) if their name was left off the card.

pottymummy · 14/12/2015 14:06

Well this year DS2 (6) has taken it upon himself to write all the christmas cards, and since I hate the task, I am very happy about this. I'll be even happier when he's able to write legible addresses on envelopes too, but this will do for now.
His name therefore, is the first on the list, followed by whoever out of me, DH and DS he favours most that day.

I do get narked by cards from relatives who have known (of) me since the day I was born and STILL spell my name wrong 41 years later. Its not actually a difficult name it really isn't.

When cards are addressed to us, its usually in the form of 'The * Family' which is what I do when sending christmas cards also.

LauraChant · 14/12/2015 14:06

Oh and I would always sign from me, DH, DS1, DS2. Apart from when I am not thinking and automatically write from me, middle sister, youngest sister. I don't know why but when I write my name and am not thinking probably, it's still their names that come next.

hefzi · 14/12/2015 14:07

flibbertigibbert (and others) that's a convention (Mrs Husband's Initial Surname) that shows whether or not the husband is still alive: so you are Mrs David (say) if he is, and it's a formal invitation addressed to you alone, and Mrs flibbertigibbert if you are a widow. For this reason, I hate seeing post addressed to my DM as Mrs HerChristianName Surname - because my DF is alive and well - but it is very much the convention nowadays. It doesn't, though, make it correct

kaitlinktm · 14/12/2015 14:08

I write my family/friend's name first - male or female.

I (used to) write my name first because I was the mug writing all the fucking cards for both sides of the family then DH, DS1, DS2 etc

Now I just write my name, DS1, DS2 and he hasn't sent anyone a card of any sort for the last 12 years

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 14/12/2015 14:09

If I write them then it's from me and DH. I always address the person I know best first though and will do Mrs and Mr.

I would think it very weird if my mum wrote us a card and put DHs name first.

FlibbertigibbetArmadillo · 14/12/2015 14:09

I write the cards for my DP's family mostly beacuse his handwriting is quite bad I'm not sure they would ever arrive!
Playing to your strengths in a relationship isnt the same as being a downtrodden woman forced to do the emotional gruntwork

CastaDiva · 14/12/2015 14:09

That's not what I'm saying, though, Mittens - it's not a matter of a husband's name 'being left off the card', because that implies his wife has still gone out and bought the cards, looked up the addresses, bought the stamps, sat down and written them, while cudgelling her brains for the names of the children of people's she's possibly never met, because they are old school friends or second cousins of her husband. Whether or not his name is on the card, why is she doing it in the first place? Why is her husband too busy and important to write his own Christmas cards?

kaitlinktm · 14/12/2015 14:09

... and yes, being addressed as Mrs John Smith is the pits - did I go to sleep and wake up in the 50s?

nmg85 · 14/12/2015 14:10

I address it to whoever I know / know best and I sign them from me + DH for my f&F and Dh + me for his f&f any others take pot luck on my mood. No cards would go out if left to him and then DH family would be mad at me... go figure!

MistressoftheYoniverse · 14/12/2015 14:11

kaitlinktm · 14/12/2015 14:12

pottymummy
The best idea I ever had was to print address labels off for all my Christmas card list - the labels which are 14 to an A4 sheet.

Much less writing and definitely legible. I have them saved on my computer and just edit them as necessary every year.

Original poster

onlyif · 14/12/2015 14:12

Same here fibber re husbands name irritating again. Sexist too.

OP posts:

FlibbertigibbetArmadillo · 14/12/2015 14:13

hefzi so when your husband dies you get your individual identity back?

WMittens · 14/12/2015 14:13

it's not a matter of a husband's name 'being left off the card', ... Why is her husband too busy and important to write his own Christmas cards?

I actually changed my post for the sake of politeness, but obviously then didn't convey my point properly, so I'll revert to my original post:

Men don't give a fuck.

KittyandTeal · 14/12/2015 14:13

I write them in order of who I know best.

It drives me mental that my pil family all address letter to mr and Mrs kittydh surname. Not on,y do I not get a first name I am relegated to Mrs dh initial! I spite them by addressing all letters to first names only with no surnames and no 'mr, Mrs etc'

HowBadIsThisPlease · 14/12/2015 14:14

My mother, who considers her correct name to be Mrs Dadfirstname Dadsurname, always writes all the cards, and always addresses them inside HisFirstName & Herfirstname and signs them Roy and Janet (their names are not Janet and Roy).

She would regard this as "just a convention" and like all sexist conventions "nothing to do with equality".

CastaDiva · 14/12/2015 14:15

Flibbertigibbet, that comes from the same jolly-minimising school of 'oh, men can't see dirt or remember lunchboxes, teehee'. Shouldn't your husband be the one who minds whether his family's Christmas cards don't arrive because the address is illegible?

No, writing annual Christmas cards isn't in itself a big deal, but it's symptomatic of women 'naturally' taking responsibility for their husband's emotional network of family and friendship relationships, which extends to being the one to remember his parents'/siblings'/nephews'/nieces'
/godchildren's birthdays, buy the presents/cards/make the phonecalls etc etc.

It's emotional housework. A poster up the thread said (jokily?) that she was tempted to let her husband do his own family and friends next year, but wasn't sure how she would break this to him...

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