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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a inferior person to dh?

153 replies

onlyif · 14/12/2015 13:28

Its that time of year again when the Christmas cards arrive an my irritation begins to bubble.
I write an send the Christmas cards to friends an family, dh does none at all.

I always write on them from onlyif and dh, as please correct me if I'm wrong here, I thought female is written first, and Im writing them.
All the cards we receive from friends an family say dear dh other family members an onlyif last then to add to the insult always finish with female first then their dh. I feel like a none person. I know this is small and petty on world scale dramas but is it me being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
dodobookends · 14/12/2015 14:15

I absolutely don't care which order our names are written, and I'm not bothered by the 'Mr & Mrs' thing either.

When writing cards I generally just do them in the order of name that comes naturally - for instance 'Janet and Roy' just goes better than 'Roy and Janet'.

RhodaBull · 14/12/2015 14:16

I only send cards to my family and friends that I consider "mine", ie that I had first or that we met together. I refuse to write cards or buy presents for DH's family or friends, and if that means they don't get any, so be it.

You are clearly my sil. I can tell you that to be on the receiving end of that attitude is not nice. Especially not for my dcs.

DinosaursRoar · 14/12/2015 14:18

I tend to write the person I'm friends with or related too first, but if it's a couple I'm equally friends with/related too, I realised the other day I tend to write cards in age order, which in most cases means the man first. I only realised I was doing this when I started writing a card to one of my friends with 2 DDs, "Sarah and Daisy" (not real names). I wrote "to Friend, Friend's DH, Daisy" then realised I've not put Sarah in who is the older child. I wrote "and sarah" but it looked really wrong to have the children not in age order.

I then started doing a few others in the wrong order and it just doesn't look right...

For DH's side, I have stopped doing it, cards are there, I'll take them and post them if he wants me to as I go by the post office most days on the way back from the school run, but he can write them. As such, his list has gone from 30+ (including at least 10 who were international ones I'd have to go and queue up to post) to his parents, BIL, his Aunt & Uncle and the friend he was best man for. He has yet to write these, mine were posted on 1st December. I'll push him for PIL, they are lovely and should have a card from the DGC, but I'm not doing it...

DrDreReturns · 14/12/2015 14:20

Most men (like me) just do not give a shit about Christmas cards. I couldn't care less if I never receive any, hence I don't write any (except to my immediate family).
TBH it wouldn't bother me if my wife didn't put my name on any Christmas cards she wrote. Massive waste of time imo.

LauraChant · 14/12/2015 14:21

RhodaBull I am really not, SIL (who is lovely) is just as disorganised as DH when it comes to cards! They consider hitting the right month to be an achievement when it comes to birthdays.

I am sorry your DCs are sad because they don't get a Christmas card from your brother. But should your SIL really write those cards?

Flossiesmummy · 14/12/2015 14:21

You are supposed to address and sign off in age order.

In my family it would be from flossiesdaddy. Flossiesmummy and Flossie.

FlibbertigibbetArmadillo · 14/12/2015 14:21

Casta I take your point, DP probably wouldnt even worry about the address being illegible, and you have genuinley made me reconsider if I will be offering to do it next year.

DinosaursRoar · 14/12/2015 14:23

Rhonda - why is it your SIL's fault your DB doesn't care enough to get you/your DCs gifts and cards? If he knows it's his job, he's chosing not to do it, blaming his wife for not doing it for him seems a bit mean.

I don't buy for DH's side unless he has asked me to pick something up - I don't doing the thinking about when their birthdays are or if they have anything unless he mentions it. The "thinking" is his job.

Groovee · 14/12/2015 14:23

I do it age order, so dh first, me then the children.

LeaLeander · 14/12/2015 14:25

Etiquette experts would say that signing someone else's name to a card or letter is a faux pas.

the correct way to do it is "Bob and the kids send warm wishes for a Happy New Year, too! Love, Jane."

rather than "Love and Happy New Year from Bob, Jane, Billy and Susie."

motherinferior · 14/12/2015 14:26

I gave up doing Christmas cards a few years ago, with a huge sigh of relief. I believe Mr Inferior sends some. No idea what order he puts our names in. I only did my lot in any case - can't imagine sending his cards for him.

CastaDiva · 14/12/2015 14:26

Result, Flibber! Grin

Rhoda, as others have said, why on earth is it your SIL's fault if your brother can't be bothered to send birthday cards to his nieces and nephews? That's a classic example of the assumption that women 'naturally' caretake the jobs involved in maintaining the emotional network of their male partner's friends and family.

diddl · 14/12/2015 14:28

I put my husband's name first as it sounds better that way to me.

I find that his family/friends put him first & mine put me first!

When writing cards I tend to write in the order that the sender has.

I have more time than my husband so I write "his" cards as well.

EcclefechanTart · 14/12/2015 14:30

You are clearly my sil. I can tell you that to be on the receiving end of that attitude is not nice. Especially not for my dcs.

Perhaps you should point that out to your brother then? I don't think it's the SIL's job to get gifts for your side of the family, just because she is a woman, if her husband doesn't do his fair share.

LibrariesgaveusP0wer · 14/12/2015 14:35

I put the person I know best first (unless it's one of the kids. Children of the family always after adults).

Or sometimes names just sound a lot better one way round. So sometimes I bend the rules.

And I do kids in descending age order.

I never automatically put the men first.

I sign my name first, as does DH.

LibrariesgaveusP0wer · 14/12/2015 14:35

Oops. That should say I sign my own name first. DH likewise puts his name first.

Sorry, ambiguous grammar!

elementofsurprise · 14/12/2015 14:38

This is why single middle aged men end up depressed, isn't it? They just don't bother keeping up connections with people.

(And then it ges inferred that women are just making a fuss if depressed, as we don't kill ourselves as often...)

ouryve · 14/12/2015 14:40

The bit upthread where you said your DH writes his own family's cards, in future - do it. There is no reason why it should be down to you to maintain relationships with his family as a couple.

IGotAPea · 14/12/2015 14:42

I don't send that many cards anymore as I used to write them all, my family, dh family and friends, neighbours. I hated it. I only write to my own family and my own mates now, dh cba to write his family any, so when it's mentioned I make it clear it's him who hasn't bothered and that as I do everything else related to Xmas, and I mean everything, despite dh being off work for two weeks, he agreed that writing his name two or three times on a card once a year should be manageable for a grown adult man with more free time, so if he hasn't done they need to quiz him and not me.

Doesn't go down well and a card on it's own seems trivial, but added to buying and wrapping all his families gifts, cooking his families lunch, cleaning the whole fucking house for them coming, to moan that I haven't written a card is like a red rag to a bull :)

This year is different, dh will be doing half of everything.

Cards. When I did write them.

Cards to my family are address with "my sister,her dh,their dc" and from "me,dh,dd"

Dhs family the same addressed to "his sister,his bil, the kids by age" and from "dh,me,dd"

My friends I used to address to "friend,her dh,any dcs" and from, in the same I did for my family. But now I just address it to my friend, and from me, because most of us haven't even met each other's dhs enough and dh really couldn't give a shit if his name was added or not.

Cards we receive are usually addressed to me first the dh but I think that's because his name first sounds stupid when coupled with mine, whereas mynamehisname has a lovely sound :)

My stepmum though totally erased me by addressing everything to mr and mrs dh first name dh last name. Birthday cards to me she puts "mrs dh first name and surname" drives me mad, my own birthday card from my dad has fuck all mention of me and she knows I kept my own surname too. I gave up asking her to put my actual name on as she'd say I'm being silly. We are no contact since dad died for many other reasons.

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears · 14/12/2015 14:44

I always sign my name first...when addressing cards, if the women have changed their names I put Mr and Mrs.
If they haven't changed their names I put my friend (i.e. the woman) first on the address label and "and family" after it.

If Dh is writing the card (to his mum for instance) he puts his name first.

RhodaBull · 14/12/2015 14:46

I can quite see the point about gift dividing according to family side - from an equality point of view . Totally. And Christmas cards - who cares, or even presents, come to that. But the dcs have never had a birthday card from bil and sil but I know she makes a big fuss of her family and friends. If dh couldn't be bothered then I know I would step in. It just seems a bit unkind otherwise. As it is dh does do his side of the family for presents. But not Christmas cards - he says he only got married to avoid writing Christmas cards!

MummaV · 14/12/2015 14:47

I write and sign off cards depending on who we know best.

For example DH's Nan would get a card signed DH and MummaV but my friend and her DH would have a card : dear friend and Dh love MummaV and DH.

Despite me buying and writing all cards DH's family and friends cards are always signed with his name first and vice versa for my family and friends.

Original poster
onlyif · 14/12/2015 14:50

That's just crappy I got a pea. She was just sending cards out of obligation then if u have no contact now.

OP posts:
Wagglebees · 14/12/2015 14:53

*Cards to my family are address with "my sister,her dh,their dc" and from "me,dh,dd"

Dhs family the same addressed to "his sister,his bil, the kids by age" and from "dh,me,dd"*

Same here too and everyone follows the same pattern back, apart from my BiL who puts his wife's name first but addresses the card to DH and then me.

I finally stopped writing DH's work cards this year as I suddenly realised how utterly ridiculous I was being. I haven't even met most of them. Told DH if he wants to send them cards, which he does, then he knows where the cards are kept. He said he'd do them. He hasn't.

Next year I'm not doing any cards. Again, if DH wants to send his family them then he's capable of writing them.

phoenix1973 · 14/12/2015 14:54

I haven't written his cards for years now. I just refused one year and every time he put the cards and pen in front of me I would leave the area.
He is really anal about how he wants the cards written and it MUST be done with a certain glittery gel pen and I just cba with all that.
His work mates - his duty.
I used to have enough to do helping my child write hers out, but now she does them herself. Yay!