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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect a present

30 replies

Samantha2014 · 13/12/2015 13:05

Hi
I'm new to mumsnet so hi everyone.
AIBU to expect a present for my partner for his birthday from my brothers and sister.
Considering I always buy for them and there partners.
I've been with the father of my children for 8 years now so it's not that they don't know him. They all love him. So why wouldn't they get him a little something.
I find it embarrassing as his family always buy me birthday present
Please let me know what you think

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 13/12/2015 13:05

Yabu. I don't expect presents from anyone ever.

Original poster

Samantha2014 · 13/12/2015 13:07

For what reason would you not buy your brother in law a card for there birthday?

OP posts:

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/12/2015 13:07

Tough one - I have 3 sisters - 1 buys for hubby and I buy for hers - the others dont -
DH never buys for me and we dont buy for her hubby (so only brother and sis exchange gifts)
So evens out.
What you`re saying seems unfair.
Have you asked them?

ilovesooty · 13/12/2015 13:08

You could always ask them why they don't buy for him I suppose. How many birthday presents for partners have you bought which haven't been reciprocated?

cashewnutty · 13/12/2015 13:10

I have never, in 30 years of marriage, had a gift from DH's brother and sister for my birthday. My own brother doesn't buy me or DH birthday gift either. In laws don't even buy the kids (teens and 20's) birthday gifts. My own mum loves buying presents so we all get a gift from her at birthdays. I am fine with all and any of this. I am an adult and not really over bothered by getting gifts.

Original poster

Samantha2014 · 13/12/2015 13:11

Well my sister has been with her partner for 4 years and I buy for him. They don't bother with my oh
I have 3 brothers and 1 sister.
Only 1 brother has got him a card
I always buy for all the partners
Trust me if I brought it up it would cause arguments. You can't have a conversation with my family!! They take it way to personally

OP posts:

DeltaZeta · 13/12/2015 13:12

Well, it depends really. When I was married, my parents used to send my DH something on his birthday but my siblings never did. That was normal for us.

I don't think you should expect presents just because you send them though. Surely you don't give because you expect something back?

You say you find this embarrassing. Is your DH bothered?

Original poster

Samantha2014 · 13/12/2015 13:12

If you don't buy for them then I don't think it's a problem.
Maybe I should stop buying for them then it wouldn't bother me I suppose

OP posts:

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 13/12/2015 13:13

Yabu, if it bothers you that much then stop buying for them, but it is unreasonable to buy a gift then expect one back. They are adults they can choose who they wish to buy for, as can you.

DeltaZeta · 13/12/2015 13:14

I agree, if it's an issue then stop buying for them. You are under no obligation to buy a gift if you don't want to.

Original poster

Samantha2014 · 13/12/2015 13:14

Thank you for all your comments x

OP posts:

Krampus · 13/12/2015 13:15

Ask them, you could do it under the guise of how you all want to handle adult birthday presents in the future. Are we just doing presents for only siblings now?

Do they know when his birthday is? Do you know if your siblings buy for other partners, or is yours singled out?

Neither side of our families bother with sibling birthday presents and cards at all, let alone partners.

AliceInUnderpants · 13/12/2015 13:15

You don't give gifts to receive! It's not a gift if it comes with rules!

Greengardenpixie · 13/12/2015 13:16

Never expect gifts would be my answer.

gamerchick · 13/12/2015 13:16

I don't even buy for my brothers and only do a Facebook happy birthday and visa versa. I can't stand their partners so don't even do that.

If it bugs you then just buy for your siblings only.

Krampus · 13/12/2015 13:17

If you don't feel you can talk to them without ww3 breaking out I would stop buying. They probably won't even notice!

KikiShack · 13/12/2015 13:21

I used to be in exactly this position OP.
It was very difficult for me but I pulled on my big girl pants and called my family up and told them that out hurt and upset me and that I'd really appreciate it if in future they'd halve the budget for my pressie and get DP a pressie with the other half.
They all agreed and I don't think any budgets are halved. For me it just felt the right way to ask.
Sometimes one or other brother will forget. We (DP and i) just laugh it off now. I'm (at the grand old age of 36) finally realising that although I express love and family-acceptance in presents, not everyone else does. My brothers don't. They love my DP but in this regard are a bit shit and thoughtless. It's just who they are.
I don't hold with this 'YABU I never expect a present from anyone' stuff btw. If you're family and get on well and buy each other presents then of course you expect a present for a long term DP too. Anything else is weird/lazy.

WorraLiberty · 13/12/2015 13:32

Some people just really like buying gifts OP and you're obviously one of them.

But not everyone is like that, so it may well be that your sister's partner etc, would rather you didn't because they don't want to get into the whole gift buying thing?

Postchildrenpregranny · 13/12/2015 13:33

No not everyone does express love and acceptance through presents. I 'dropped' birthday- present giving (except for children up to age 18) with friends and family, by mutual concent , when my DH was made redundant many years ago. We simply couldn't afford it . A lot of my friends and family are scattered over UK so it meant posting as well . We kept giving inexpensive family Christmas presents (very small family), as we see family at Christmas time . We have 'marked' big (65th) birthdays and major wedding (25th and 40th) anniversaries . I think a lot of people were relieved .
But then I can never understand why people who live in the same house give each other birthday and Christmas cards ...

IamCarcass · 13/12/2015 13:36

Wouldn't give one, Wouldn't expect one. We don't have that kind of relationship however my BIL did set aside an entire afternoon to help us with DIY. Better than a gift really.

Bluecheese22 · 13/12/2015 13:47

My sis and I have always bought for each others partners. And we have a family meal on each persons birthday... My parents, me, sis, dps & kids.

Arfarfanarf · 13/12/2015 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemonslemonslemons · 13/12/2015 14:43

We never buy for our brothers in law. I have 2 sisters and we do each Thera birthdays but not each other's husbands' birthdays.

Me624 · 13/12/2015 16:15

I don't know how these things work out but in my family, we buy Christmas presents for my DB and DSis's other halves (and they buy for my DH) but not birthdays, although we do send a card. On DH's side, we buy for his sister's DH and they buy for me for birthdays and Christmas. We all do the same though so it's all "fair" - I can see why you feel aggrieved if you buy for their OH's but they don't buy for yours.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 13/12/2015 16:29

We didn't even get a wedding gift off my DH sister and her DH even though their daughter was a bridesmaid and we'd bought them an anniversary gift the week before.

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