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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so pissed off that stbxh is trying for a baby!?

47 replies

harboromummy · 12/12/2015 15:28

As some of you remembered my last post about my twat of an ex not bothering with the kids, not paying for them ect.

Found out today he's trying for a baby with his gf of 5 months and apparently they are getting married next year!

Really pissed off!!! He doesn't see or care about our two children. They are going to be so upset :(

OP posts:

DeltaZeta · 12/12/2015 15:35

He's a twat. But you already know that.

How did you find this out?

Try not to stress yourself out too much. It might not happen and even if it does, you have time to work out what to tell your DC.

Original poster

harboromummy · 12/12/2015 15:38

His girlfriend messaged me saying to "let him in the kids lives because we're trying for a baby and want to get married next year".

Iv never stopped him. He just isn't consistent enough.
He hasn't seen them in over a month. Or rang them or anything really.

She has three kids by 3 different men already

OP posts:

Trills · 12/12/2015 15:40

Poor her.

Be glad you are rid.

TimeToMuskUp · 12/12/2015 15:42

Surely if he wants to be in the children's lives he should be the one messaging you? Block her number and only deal with him directly from now on. And let him make his own mistakes; it will hurt, but your only focus now should be ensuring your children are happy because by being upset clearly you're fuelling her fire.

lasagnefortea · 12/12/2015 15:42

It is frustrating and maddening but leave them to it and see what happens in terms of him making contact regarding your children. If he's going to step up and show an interest in them, then that's a good thing. If not, then just carry on as before.

VestalVirgin · 12/12/2015 15:42

Message back wishing her luck with trying to get him to pay child support to her.

She should already have put two and two together, but just in case she's hoplelessly naive, you should warn her.

Lightbulbon · 12/12/2015 15:45

You had my sympathy until you started slut shaming his new dp.

Maybe you are not a very nice person yourself?

FellOutOfBedTwice · 12/12/2015 15:47

Sounds like you've had a lucky escape.

TimeToMuskUp · 12/12/2015 15:50

Lightbulb is saying she has 3 children by 3 men slut-shaming her? (Not being provocative, genuinely it wouldn't have occurred to me that it was that).

MusicalFanjo · 12/12/2015 15:52

Oh FFS how is saying that she has 3 kids by 3 different dads 'slut shaming' the OP didn't say a bad word about her. it was you that read that comment and jumped to the word slut so I think your comment says more about you than it does the OP

VestalVirgin · 12/12/2015 15:52

Maybe you are not a very nice person yourself?

Even if she was the worst person ever, her ex would still be an useless asshole whose new girlfriend is to be pitied, so I don't see how this is relevant.

Katinkka · 12/12/2015 15:54

She does sound a bit rough to be fair. How old is she?

Original poster

harboromummy · 12/12/2015 15:56

She's 21 I think. One of her dc lives with their dad though.

I haven't called her a slut, I don't know her enough to judge that.

OP posts:

MascaraAndConverse89 · 12/12/2015 15:59

Why is it even relevant to mention that she has 3 children with 3 different dads? Was it to add a bit of the shock factor? Even if you don't think she's a slut, you still sound very judgmental of her.

VestalVirgin · 12/12/2015 16:01

Only 21? Gosh, she's practically a child! Definitely warn her about your ex. And maybe give her the contact data of a local women's refuge.

Maybe she really believes that your ex is unfairly denied contact with his children.

TimeToMuskUp · 12/12/2015 16:02

I don't think stating facts is the same as slut-shaming. My SIL has 3 children with different fathers. It doesn't make her a slut, nor does it make me a slut-shamer for saying it. In this situation it is a relevant comment I think; she's 21 with 3 children from 3 relationships and trying for another with a man she's known for less than half a year. That's pretty odd, as behaviour goes.

sparechange · 12/12/2015 16:07

I think it is totally relevant that by the age of 21, she already has 3 children by 3 men, in the context of her trying for a baby with someone she has only known for 5 months. It is a pretty worrying pattern, tbh.
Glad to see the thread police are out in force today though

Yanbu to be pissed off. You are wasting your time to think either of them will listen to reason though

VestalVirgin · 12/12/2015 16:08

That's pretty odd, as behaviour goes.

Definitely - it is more or less impossible for her to not have had her first child as an underage teenager.

Nothing against you, harboromummy, but I think you are well rid of the asshole, and his new girlfriend is the one to be pitied here.

(Although I do acknowledge that his not paying child support is horrible and you should try to change that if you can.)

Adelecarberry87 · 12/12/2015 16:15

Wow she 21 with three kids to three men and trying for another surely if her BF kids are so important he should be focusing on them first rather than another child. I had my first by 21. She sounds as bad as your ex in all honestly and i wouldn't want either of them around the kids. They clearly lack stablitity in their own lives. She has a nerve even messaging you and clearly immature.

mintoil · 12/12/2015 16:17

OP if it is true and they do have a baby together, please do try to frame it in a positive way for your DC. I was quite surprised when you said "they are going to be so upset?" Really? Why?

Are you sure you aren't projecting your own feelings a bit here?

I have wonderful half siblings and am so glad of them. I am closer to one of my halfs than I am to my "full" sibling.

It can be a very positive thing you know

I do understand how you feel and it must all still be really raw, but try to distance yourself emotionally as much as you can. If you are saying, "oh how lovely, Daddy and GF are having a baby" and being nice about it, hopefully they will not be terribly upset. To be honest, that is what matters most isn't it?

GF might be winding you up anyway!!

Damselindestress · 12/12/2015 16:20

Since she has texted asking you to let your ex in the children's lives, I think it would be perfectly reasonable to reply that you have never stopped him but he has chosen not to see or contact his children for over a month. She has clearly heard a different story. She probably won't listen but it might be a wake-up call. It sounds like you are well rid of him.

LaLyra · 12/12/2015 16:21

It sounds like she's been fed a lie and thinks you are the evil ex who is stopping him from seeing his kids.

If you do reply I'd just reply simply and factually that you are not/have not stopped him and he has chosen not to see his children, or pay for them since x date.

Damselindestress · 12/12/2015 16:26

mintoil I understand what you are saying about trying to phrase it positively but I don't think it is difficult to understand why the children might be upset anyway. Their dad only contacts them sporadically, hasn't bothered for over a month, which is a long time for a child and is now having another baby, which will take even more of his attention away. The problem isn't really them having a half sibling, it's them having an uninvolved father but I think it will be hard for them to see him pay more attention to the new baby.

noeffingidea · 12/12/2015 16:34

vestalvirgin think you have your maths wrong there as underage means under 16. It's perfectly possible to have 3 children in 5 years.
As to the OP, I understand you might feel pissed off. Your ex has moved on, without a care in the world and left your kids for dust. What can you do, but try and be the stable and mature parent. Try and keep your own feelings to yourself. Remember if this girl does fall pregnant the child will be your children's half sibling, part of their family.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 12/12/2015 16:57

3 kids by 3 men by age 21 and planning 4th with a man she has been with for 5 months shows pretty poor judgement IMO. But that's irrelevant to your situation - he's clearly choosing to try for another baby and yanbu to be cross. I'd be furious if XH had another child, he can only just be a parent to the one he has. If he spread himself thinner I'd be so angry.

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