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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so pissed off that stbxh is trying for a baby!?

47 replies

harboromummy · 12/12/2015 15:28

As some of you remembered my last post about my twat of an ex not bothering with the kids, not paying for them ect.

Found out today he's trying for a baby with his gf of 5 months and apparently they are getting married next year!

Really pissed off!!! He doesn't see or care about our two children. They are going to be so upset :(

OP posts:

VestalVirgin · 12/12/2015 16:58

@noeffingidea: To me, underage is the age where you can't get a driver's license and can't vote. I know that the age of consent for PiV is lower than that, but I don't think it should be.

You are too young to vote, you are too young to raise children. Period.

Most people I know who had the misfortune of (accidentally!) getting pregnant as teenagers and whose relationship with the baby's father didn't survive that, took that as a learning experience and didn't enthusiastically plan a child with every new man in their lives after 5 months.

Either new girlfriend is irresponsible, or very naive, or possibly both. I don't think having a child with OPs asshole of an ex will be good for her.

I also completely understand why OP thinks her children will be disappointed - hearing that the man who cared nothing about you, ever, suddenly coos over a new baby and becomes father of the year, IS rather hurtful.
(Though he probably will be just as shitty to the new baby, in which case they can commiserate. Not sure that's so much better, though)

ExBallerina · 12/12/2015 17:06

It's a really thoughtless thing to message your boyfriend's ex and tell her that she should make her kids part of your life because you want to have a baby and marry her ex.

And yes, given the background info, I'd say she's probably not had the most stable of relationships. In particular her age and the length of this current relationship.

I'd tell her exactly how it is- he needs to step up and take responsibility. Including contacting you.

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/12/2015 17:33

I'd just ignore her tbh, he doesnt pay for yours so he isnt going to pay for hers if she conceives.

Block her if you can.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/12/2015 17:43

"Why is it even relevant to mention that she has 3 children with 3 different dads?"
I actually think it is relevant in this situation. She is already dealing with three exes for access and child maintenance, chances are the three men will behave in individual ways; so this woman should be pretty experienced in the different ways men behave re children they no longer live with. With that experience, she should see with her own eyes that her current BF, the man she plans to marry and have a child with, is fucking over his existing children. And yet she texts the OP with "let him in the kids lives because we're trying for a baby and want to get married next year". If she were childless I could see her being taken in by an unfamiliar situation, but she really should be capable of seeing through the bullshit and not being a PITA to OP.

noeffingidea · 12/12/2015 18:03

I think it's relevant as well. It indicates that she has little experience of stable longterm relationships, which might be relevant if a half sibling comes into the picture. That doesn't mean she's a bad person.

seasidesally · 12/12/2015 18:19

op your ex's gf sounds like she is trying to wind you up and upset you

i think she is intimidated by you and is mentioning the trying for a dc to rattle you

dont forget you have his dc's she dosent and she dosent like it

she sounds immature and frankly irresponsible dont engage

MascaraAndConverse89 · 12/12/2015 18:50

Ok maybe it is relevant. But as a pp said it doesn't make her a bad person and the OP shouldn't judge her based on the fact that she has children with different dads. She might end up being a wonderful person in her children's life, and the fact that she has children with different dads doesn't define her.

don't forget you have his dc's she dosent and she dosent like it
Well that is very mature and helpful isn't it? How do you know she doesn't like it?
Hopefully the OP won't have a childish attitude like that. They're not in the playground.

seasidesally · 12/12/2015 19:14

ofgs thats the point the gf does sound immature and believe it or not that's how some people see things like that

she is 21yrs old 3 children 1 living with the father and not their siblings,dosent seem to mind him not having much contact or paying for his own children,trying for a baby straight away etc etc

yeah shes wise beyond her years

Senpai · 12/12/2015 19:17

So idiot1 found idiot2 and now they want to bring another child into this mess. Lovely.

It doesn't really concern you further than making sure your ex pays maintenance for the children on your end.

I'd either ignore her or set her straight on the matter. But I wouldn't accommodate and try to work at getting ex back in your kids life if he won't take initiative.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 12/12/2015 19:19

I don't think you could hoik those judgey pants up any further sally.

seasidesally · 12/12/2015 19:22

theres still a little way to go

lunar1 · 12/12/2015 19:26

The 3 children from 3 men is relevant. It will probably soon be 4 by 4, and that will affect the op massive as that is a lot of people all having opinions on various access arrangements. I wouldn't want my children to have to deal with all the different combinations of who could be at their home with dad!

Debrathezebra · 13/12/2015 10:55

I would be really struggling to see how someone who already had children, and who thought it was a good idea to try for a baby with a boyfriend of 5 months was going to a positive influence in my child's life. It doesn't show much maturity.

It's a waste of time responding with the truth, she isn't going to reply with "omg I didn't realise, so sorry" she will believe him and you've bought into her drama. Best just ignored IMO.

I understand the frustration though.

maddening · 13/12/2015 11:45

I would reply "I haven't prevented him from seeing his children, his level of contact and financial input in to their lives his his choice entirely"

ShebaShimmyShake · 13/12/2015 12:39

Getting a woman pregnant is a very common tactic for abuse/control.

VestalVirgin · 13/12/2015 13:51

It's a waste of time responding with the truth, she isn't going to reply with "omg I didn't realise, so sorry" she will believe him and you've bought into her drama. Best just ignored IMO.

Probably. But I would feel bad about not warning her. A simple statement of the facts (that he doesn't want to see the children and doesn't pay child support) should be enough to give her a warning if she wants to listen.

Getting a woman pregnant is a very common tactic for abuse/control.

Yes, and the sad thing is that telling a woman she is in an abusive relationship almost never helps - she has to see it for herself.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 13/12/2015 15:44

Of course you're pissed off and entitled to be of course you're envious of this future child for your children. You're naturally thinking hang on this baby is going to hsvd his undivided attention and things provided for whilst at the same time, he's not even providing so much as a pound for your little ones. Anyone would be angry! Also why can't the government dsmn well force him to pay his share they're quick efuckingnough hounding the lone parent. Forcing them to take jobs that may not suit their circumstances. .

flippinada · 13/12/2015 15:55

I completely understand why you are upset but realistically, he's not going to be Dad of the year for this potential new child either and she's likely to be left holding yet another baby.

Don't rise to the bait, ignore (or, if you must say something neutral and pleasant). Block her if you can.

Chilledmonkeybrains · 13/12/2015 17:17

I would take her message with a big pinch of salt actually. Sounds like she's trying to get a rise out of you.

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 13/12/2015 17:22

Oh do shut up with accusing the OP of slut shaming

A 21 year old with 3 kids by 3 different fathers and trying for another one isn't necessarily a slut and the OP didn't say she is.

She's unlikely to be very bright though.

reni2 · 13/12/2015 17:34

The really tough thing is that this is, for the time being, your dc's stepmum.

reni2 · 13/12/2015 17:47

Slut or not is totally irrelevant here, this is certainly a woman who has made serial poor choices and is possibly about to make another one. Not who I'd want to be in a position of power or with any caring responsibilities for my dc, and since OP's StbX doesn't seem the caring sort it would be the stepmum who has to do it when the kids are there.

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