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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think he's lying about being at work?

93 replies

livvielunch · 10/12/2015 16:35

DH is a firefighter. On Monday night I woke at just after midnight to find he wasn't in bed and he didn't come home. He was on call as a firefighter so I presumed he'd had a long job. The next day a crash was reported in the local news which happened at 'around 12.45 am' and he said this is where he was, obviously not knowing I'd woken at midnight. I hadn't heard his alarm which I usually do when he gets a call. In the past month there's been three nights where he's been out all night saying he's been working but his alarm hasn't woken me yet it's woken me every time it's gone off in the past ten years.

Aibu to think he could be lying about where he's been?

OP posts:
jeanswithatwist · 10/12/2015 16:38

assuming you generally have a good close relationship, why don't you sit down with him and ask him (in a non confrontational way) explaining your thoughts exactly as you have just done on MN. I am all for honestly and clearing the decks. best of luck, it could well be something innocent & simple. don't not ask him as it will drive you crazy and ruin your Christmas break

Original poster
livvielunch · 10/12/2015 16:40

Usually we do but we have a young baby and no sex life, he's been on his phone loads more...I don't want to be lied to and have him cover it up.

OP posts:
Hihohoho1 · 10/12/2015 16:41

On just this evidence not sure. It's possible he was already awake and so stopped the alarm.

Is there any other signs?

Sallyingforth · 10/12/2015 16:48

I understand your concern, but no one here can tell you if he's lying or not. You really need a sitting-down talk to clear the air.
Is the 'no sex life' due to the normal new baby issues, or a more permanent change of relationship? There may be something deeper to discuss.

Original poster
livvielunch · 10/12/2015 16:51

He wasn't already awake, he'd gone to bed at 9 and I followed at 11.15.

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 10/12/2015 16:54

So you suspect he is sneaking out because you haven't heard his alarm on 3 occasions?

You have a young baby. It's not unusual for people to sleep very heavy when they are knackered.

The news may not have the time right. They said approximately. They could be way out.

He could have been called for one job and then Sent to another.

You really need to speak to him because it's obviously worrying you.

But you do sound quite paranoid.

Enjolrass · 10/12/2015 16:55

If he was in bed at 9, he still could have been awake when the call came.

FelicityGubbins · 10/12/2015 16:55

You might find this better suited to the relationships board op.

Imissmy0ldusername · 10/12/2015 17:24

DP & I regularly sleep in different rooms, on the basis that we want the other to get some actual sleep - perhaps your DP has started doing that? Mine's a shift worker, and we have a couple of cats that are hard work (they are indoor cats, and have issues at certain times of night). I've rarely not heard his alarm clock of doom going off, but it does happen. I'm not known for being a deep sleeper, but it does happen. Perhaps you are just getting used to his phone going off?
We have very little in the way of sex life - cats & shift work, but we're still us. My initial feeling is that you are feeling worried about something that is normal for a good proportion of us who are shift working people. Speak honestly & frankly to your DP - I'm sure he's on the same page as you xx

SocksRock · 10/12/2015 17:41

My daughter was sick a couple of weeks ago in the night. DH stripped her bed, gave her a bath, put the washing machine on and cuddled her back to sleep. She cried through a lot of that. I slept through the lot. Didn't even realise. If he got to the alarm quickly, I'm sure it's possible you just didn't hear it. I'm usually a really light sleeper as well.

ImperialBlether · 10/12/2015 17:47

Imissmyoldusername - are you suggesting that the OP's husband was actually asleep in another room? He's already said he was at an incident, though it's clear he's lying about something unless someone at the fire station is psychic.

OP, I agree with a previous poster who suggested you move it to the Relationships board.

Enjolrass · 10/12/2015 18:03

imperial

I don't think she was. I think she was saying that even though they sleep apart and don't have tons of sex, they are still OK as a couple.

In response to the OP saying their sex life isn't very active.

ToddlerTantrums · 10/12/2015 18:04

I think your only option is to ask him. There's no way anyone can tell you what's going on other than him.

ModreB · 10/12/2015 18:11

Could he have changed the settings on his alarm, so that if it goes off it doesn't disturb you?

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 10/12/2015 18:16

There's usually a reason for things not feeling right.

Unless you have a history of 'paranoia' it's highly unlikely you've suddenly become paranoid about nothing. Though of course young babies often mean sleep depravation which can play tricks with your mind.

Things don't add up for you. But the only way to know if there is anything to worry about is to ask him. I hope it's all innocent but if it isn't then you deserve to know sooner rather than later.

Thankfulforeveryday · 10/12/2015 18:28

My DH has a similar job, I rarely hear his pager at night anymore and wake up to him not being there or even that he went out and back home and I've not known! Quite scary how little you hear sometimesat night!

TheOnlyColditz · 10/12/2015 18:35

The fact that he was out before the accident occurred makes me very suspicious indeed.

Thankfulforeveryday · 10/12/2015 18:39

But also the press aren't always correct with timings etc either!

peggyundercrackers · 10/12/2015 18:42

If you don't hear him getting up, getting dressed, getting out the door etc. Why would you hear his alarm going off?

ImperialBlether · 10/12/2015 19:02

An alarm is a different noise completely, peggy. It's designed to wake us up.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 10/12/2015 19:20

I would get a sneaky peek at his phone, before you alert him that you're on to him. If there's anything untoward going on, that's where you'll find it.

peggyundercrackers · 10/12/2015 19:20

Imperial noise is noise is noise.

ImperialBlether · 10/12/2015 19:32

Of course it isn't! Why do you think we can sleep while the tv is on but wake with a start when the baby starts to cry?

BifsWif · 10/12/2015 20:11

If he's on call doesn't he have to be a certain amount of time away from the station at all times? Our local retained firefighters have to be within a 2 minute drive of the station if they're on call.

So if he was out before the accident, where could he possibly have been that was still close enough to be at the station almost immediately if a shout came in?

You mention he's on his phone a lot, is he secretive with it? Does he take his phone everywhere with him?

NannyOggsHedgehogs · 10/12/2015 20:25

I used to have a house mate who's boyfriend was a fire fighter. The pager was nearly as loud as the engine siren, no way could the op fail to miss it.

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