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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think he's lying about being at work?

93 replies

livvielunch · 10/12/2015 16:35

DH is a firefighter. On Monday night I woke at just after midnight to find he wasn't in bed and he didn't come home. He was on call as a firefighter so I presumed he'd had a long job. The next day a crash was reported in the local news which happened at 'around 12.45 am' and he said this is where he was, obviously not knowing I'd woken at midnight. I hadn't heard his alarm which I usually do when he gets a call. In the past month there's been three nights where he's been out all night saying he's been working but his alarm hasn't woken me yet it's woken me every time it's gone off in the past ten years.

Aibu to think he could be lying about where he's been?

OP posts:

Arsenicinthesugarbowl · 10/12/2015 22:02

My DH is FF and I always used to wake for the alarm but sometimes wake up and he's out! Not hearing the pager on its own wouldn't mean anything is going on. However something has clearly got you thinking. If he's up to anything you will catch him out soon enough. You could see if it happens again or ask one of the other one call wives if their DH's were out.

Original poster

livvielunch · 10/12/2015 22:27

Yes Nanny, it's extremely loud. Baby is 9 months so I'm not that sleep deprived and find it weird that I've supposedly slept through it three times recently but never ever before. I'm not a paranoid person at all but like a previous poster said - why was he out before the incident unless he's psychic?! He has a password on his phone and always has.

OP posts:

janethegirl2 · 10/12/2015 22:31

My dh has a password on his phone but it's so people at work can't access it. Why can you not ask for the password if you think you need to? I personally can't be arsed though! You either trust your partner or you don't!!

BeanGirls · 10/12/2015 22:38

Would you not ask him why he was out of the bed before the accident? Maybe the time you heard on the radio was wrong. Maybe it happened earlier but that's the time help arrived or something

Original poster

livvielunch · 10/12/2015 22:42

If I ask him then he'll know I suspect something.

OP posts:

BeanGirls · 10/12/2015 22:44

Your suspicion says it all. If it were me I'd ask because I'd expect there was a genuine innocent explanation. The fact that you don't want him to think you're onto him shows how much you don't trust him.

Yarboosucks · 10/12/2015 22:47

So I suppose the question to OP is, what is more likely? Your firefighter DH was out doing his job, or he got up and was off having some sort of a liaison? That is a question the only OP can answer, because OP lives with him and we know nothing about him.

bessiebumptious2 · 10/12/2015 22:47

Is there any possibility that since the baby arrived he's sleeping more lightly and therefore has turned it off before you've heard it? Or has turned it down so as not to disturb you?

And if he has a password on his phone then I honestly believe it's acceptable to ask him what it is. What if you were out together and there was an 'incident' and you needed to access HIS phone in an emergency because for some reason you couldn't use yours? I've given my DP all my passwords - if anything happens to me it makes his life easier. And I have nothing to hide. If he subsequently snooped then that's an issue, but I trust him not to.

That said, if I suspected him of shenanigans then I'd be changing them, pronto!

Redglitter · 10/12/2015 22:50

The media frequently make mistakes with times etc or quote it as the time they became aware. It's totally possible the incident occurred at midnight and the media found out later. Depending on what was going on they very possibly wouldn't be able to get someone to give them details so they patch something together. Don't assume the paper are right

janethegirl2 · 10/12/2015 22:50

I know the password on my dh's phone but I can't be arsed to look at it, as it's all work stuff. I don't have a password on my phone and he can look at it if he wants, but he isn't interested in it.

bessiebumptious2 · 10/12/2015 23:00

Just assuming that he slipped out for some other reason than work, how would he justify it if there was no news the following day? And how would he have explained not doing his job that night, if he was up to something else? If there's a discrepancy of only 45 mins then he couldn't have been up to much!

Me suspects the reported timings in the paper were wrong, and he's actually just being very considerate of your sleeping, or you're sleeping more heavily than you think you are - you're probably exhausted.

It really doesn't sound very suspect to me.

bessiebumptious2 · 10/12/2015 23:02

Could it be possible that he's going in to work when he doesn't need to, and sleeping? Only asking because I've heard several times that following child birth, some women start snoring. Not being funny, but if you're snoring then he might be choosing to get a good nights sleep without making an issue by going into a spare room?

AnyFucker · 11/12/2015 07:03

If I ask him then he'll know I suspect something.

But you do suspect something.

And he is acting suspiciously.

Dipankrispaneven · 11/12/2015 07:32

I don't understand why his alarm would waken you when he has a call? Do you mean his phone? If so, could it be simply that he has muted it, or that he was awake when the call came so he answered it very quickly before you woke?

hellsbellsmelons · 11/12/2015 09:14

I think you need a very impromptu 'chat'
Ask to see his phone as you suspect he is up to something and you want to be able to put your mind at rest.
His response to this request will probably be all you need to know.
We have good instincts and you should trust yours.
We can be wrong but it's not often.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 11/12/2015 09:31

If I ask him then he'll know I suspect something.

Ok then, let's just speculate anonymously on the internet with limited information! That will DEFINITELY resolve things!

Enjolrass · 11/12/2015 09:34

His response to this request will probably be all you need to know.

I don't agree with this. If dh sat me down and said he thought I was cheating and his evidence was 'I didn't hear your alarm and the news said the accident happened later than you were gone'

Then asked to see my phone to prove myself. I wouldn't be ok that.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/12/2015 09:40

Why not?
If you've got nothing to hide why wouldn't you want to put your partners fears to rest. What could possibly be on your phone that you don't want to share with your life long partner?

If my OH said this I'd be more than happy to show him my phone.
But he knows my password anyway and can check when ever he wants.
It just does not bother me. I know his as well.

Sallyingforth · 11/12/2015 09:49

You need to talk about it.
If you can't have an open discussion about it then that is a problem in itself.
Keeping your suspicions to yourself will not resolve anything, and there may very well be an innocent answer.

Permanentlyexhausted · 11/12/2015 10:15

I agree with Enjolrass.

It wouldn't work to solve things anyway. If you're already so suspicious of your partner that you demand to see their phone because you don't think you can trust them simply to tell you the truth, then even if you find no evidence on their phone that isn't going to lay those fears to rest. You'll just start to imagine that they've been clever enough to cover their tracks.

He's either telling the truth or he had a massive stroke of luck that there really was an incident at the moment he needed one to cover his tracks.

trufflehunterthebadger · 11/12/2015 10:17

dh and i are police, we are both chronic "hangers about" at the end of a shift. it would be quite feasible for dh to have technically finished but be chatting and then end up getting involved with something and booking back on duty.

presumably you can tell from his overtime payment ?

trufflehunterthebadger · 11/12/2015 10:20

soz just realised he is retained so my advice is useless.

do you know anyone at the station that you could ask ?

WMittens · 11/12/2015 10:59

I hadn't heard his alarm which I usually do when he gets a call.

... but his alarm hasn't woken me yet it's woken me every time it's gone off in the past ten years.

we have a young baby

Maybe you're more tired than you have been over the past 10 years due to now having a young baby, so are sleeping through the alarm?

beefthief · 11/12/2015 11:12

hellsbellsmelons - can you not see how it's a little insulting to be told that your partner has drawn a conclusion on some slightly flimsy evidence, in a high-stress, low-sleep stage of their life, and are now asking you to PROVE that you're not up to no good?

hellsbellsmelons · 11/12/2015 11:39

No I really can't.
If he's got nothing hide why wouldn't he help her in this situation?
You've outlined the fact she may well have high stress and little sleep so just be understanding and put her mind at rest.
That's what anyone should do for a loved one! NO????

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