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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think he's lying about being at work?

93 replies

livvielunch · 10/12/2015 16:35

DH is a firefighter. On Monday night I woke at just after midnight to find he wasn't in bed and he didn't come home. He was on call as a firefighter so I presumed he'd had a long job. The next day a crash was reported in the local news which happened at 'around 12.45 am' and he said this is where he was, obviously not knowing I'd woken at midnight. I hadn't heard his alarm which I usually do when he gets a call. In the past month there's been three nights where he's been out all night saying he's been working but his alarm hasn't woken me yet it's woken me every time it's gone off in the past ten years.

Aibu to think he could be lying about where he's been?

OP posts:

BifsWif · 11/12/2015 12:20

Also, my brother was killed in a car accident a few years ago. In the press it was reported as 'around midnight' and 'just after 10pm'. The accident happened at 23.07pm.

Enjolrass · 11/12/2015 12:51

If you've got nothing to hide why wouldn't you want to put your partners fears to rest.

Because I don't feel I should have to prove anything.

Also it's the unlikely to put fears to rest. What if you deleted any dodgy texts? What if you deleted calls?

Looking at someone's phone, that is there property doesn't prove anything.

Enjolrass · 11/12/2015 12:55

That's what anyone should do for a loved one! NO????

no, if stress and lack of sleep is causing this, looking at the phone won't solve it.

I didn't say I wouldn't let dh look. I probably would, but I wouldn't be happy about it.

I have done nothing to betray dhs trust, so I don't feel I should have to prove myself.

I would also expect that to be the end of it. But if someone is doesn't trust their OH it's unlikely to be the end of it.

Enjolrass · 11/12/2015 12:56

Looking at someone's phone, that is there property doesn't prove anything.

That should have been their

beefthief · 11/12/2015 13:11

Sorry, hellsbellsmelons, my partner's phone is their own to do as they want with. I have no more right to look through it than I do their diary or opening their post. Some relationships may develop in a way that these are all things that you both do, but you can't impose it on someone with an implied "but if you don't, I will assume you're hiding something."

hellsbellsmelons · 11/12/2015 13:51

he's been on his phone loads more
OP say this ^^
We ALL know that's a huge red flag right there.
She has an instinct something is wrong and with probable cause too.
I do believe a very impromptu 'can I look at your phone' and his reaction would tell her an awful lot!
Just my opinion though.

beefthief · 11/12/2015 14:28

It's only a red flag if you make it one!

Here are some reasons that he might be "on his phone loads more" without having an affair:

He's hooked on a game
He's organising Christmas presents
A family member / friend has just joined WhatsApp or Facebook, and he's catching up with them

Testing your partner is a rubbish thing to do over some mild suspicions that appear to be based on nothing. Or in your world, where if someone's using their phone more than they used to (keeping an eye on that, are you?), then that's enough of a "red flag" to justify all manner of snooping? Crikey.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/12/2015 14:36

And no doubt those are all the excuses he will use.
I've soooo been there and got the t-shirt as have 100's of others on this site.
We KNOW it's a huge red flag.
We didn't MAKE it one - it WAS one!

CFSsucks · 11/12/2015 14:43

Could you ask to borrow his phone for something? A certain game or yours is charging in another room and you don't want to get up?

I'd probably say "oh I woke up at midnight and you weren't there" and see what the response was, but I can't stand not actually saying something and notice any small thing that doesn't seem quite right.

TracyBarlow · 11/12/2015 14:58

Does your fire service have a Twitter account that records all calls on it, and the time they happened? Ours does. I sometimes use it to find out where my husband is as he's sometimes gone all night and I need to phone clients in his day job to let them know he'll be late. I always hear his alerter and always have done, for10 years. It's the kind of sound you can't not hear, even when you're upstairs and the alerted is downstairs.

I think your husband sounds up to no good. Sorry.

beefthief · 11/12/2015 15:00

Hells, I'm struggling to follow your logic. Using your phone a lot is an inherent red flag, and any attempt to say "sorry, I didn't realise I was on it so much but I've been playing this dumb game" is an excuse? That's a whole lot of pre-judging going on; I'm sorry it happened to you, but it doesn't mean everyone is at it.

CFSucks - that's a solid, sensible suggestion. Ask him when he went out, and hopefully he'll answer and tell you when he went out, and then you'll have an idea of what time he went out.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/12/2015 15:05

You don't need to.
You may not have been in this situation and not understand it or have personal experience of it. But plenty of us on here have had it and know the signs and the excuses and then the truth comes to light.
The facts are... he's using his phone far more and he's sneaking out at night.
I'd be having major doubts as well.

For me it was the phone usage that got mine caught out.

Enjolrass · 11/12/2015 15:06

Well I am on my phone a lot.

I am not having an affair.

Dh is on his phone a lot, neither is he, as far as I know. Since we work together from home, it's very unlikely. As I know where he is and speak to our clients as much as he does. We do all the meetings together.

He is however speaking to his best friend a lot who is in London as we are helping him find an engagement ring. His gf is my best friend.

I am on my phone speaking to my friends who live across the UK and on MN.

It could be a red flag is isn't always.

Unless j am having an affair with one of you lot.

Enjolrass · 11/12/2015 15:08

The OPs dh may be up to no good.

But my point all along is that his reaction will not always prove that he is up to no good.

Because I know I wouldn't be happy about having to prove myself to someone who should trust me.

If he isn't happy about having his phone checked, it's not a given that he is doing anything wrong.

Threesquids · 11/12/2015 15:13

OP, did you speak to DH?

hellsbellsmelons · 11/12/2015 15:14

'Should' trust you being the operative word.
Sudden big increase in phone usage and sneaking out overnight are all reason to have that trust dented.
If you do ask to see the phone of someone with something to hide they usually react very badly indeed.
Not just a 'eh? It's my phone, why?' etc...
It's usually very over the top, anger, shouting, storming off, etc....
It might not go like that. He might just hand it over as he deletes everything as he goes. But there's usually something they know you can find.

Enjolrass · 11/12/2015 15:21

If my husband got up and was out at midnight, I would be suspicious.

This dh is a fire fighter. The only reason she thinks it's suspicious is because she didn't hear it and the news said a different time.

Someone on this thread, unfortunately knows how inaccurate the news is when reporting these things.

So he reason does suspicion are she didn't hear the alarm.

My reaction would be to tell dh he really needed to think about the damage he was doing to the relationship by checking up on me because he didn't hear my alarm. I would be serious. If he needs to invade my privacy, the relationship would be ganged permanently.

You forget that not every body follows the script. Many many do, not all.

You can not say if he reacts this way then he is cheating. You can never say that 100%.

It may have happened to you and I am sorry for that, but not wanting someone going through your phone doesn't mean there is cheating going on.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/12/2015 15:33

It's not just this one night though.
It's 3 nights now.
Why after all these years is it suddenly now that OP hasn't heard the alarm?
IF something is going on there will be other things the OP has noticed too.
You just KNOW! I always advise people to trust their gut instinct on this kind of thing.
It doesn't often steer you wrong.
It happened to me yes, but I'm over it so don't worry. I'm not the first and will certainly not be the last. But we can impart to others what goes on and the signs etc.... Because, they are ALWAYS the same!

Enjolrass · 11/12/2015 15:42

hell

I am simply questioning the advice that his reaction will tell you everything . Because it won't.

It's perfectly valid to not want people looking at your phone.

Cheaters often act the same. Not always. And just because a cheater has one reaction, it's doesn't mean that reaction always means cheater.

Yes it's 3 times, he is a fire fighter.

The OP obviously has a got feeling. I just don't think it helps her to say if he does 'X' he is cheating. Especially when I know, I would do 'X' and am not cheating.

PrimeDirective · 11/12/2015 15:44

If you've got nothing to hide why wouldn't you want to put your partners fears to rest.
Because I expect him to trust me and I object to being checked up on.
I would show him, but I would be furious about it.

hellsbellsmelons by the amount that I am on my phone, I must be having an affair. Thanks for letting me know. As soon as I find out who it's with, I will tell my DH.

Permanentlyexhausted · 11/12/2015 15:45

Hellsbells - he isn't necessarily "sneaking out overnight" though, is he? Of course you'll see the suspicious possibilities in this if that is how you choose to phrase it. He's going out at night, quite possibly legitimately to his job as a reserve firefighter.

There is a discrepancy here in that the OP thinks he can't have turned his alarm or his pager off before she heard them as he was asleep, yet apparently he woke up and went out. He's clearly able to wake up during the night without an alarm so it is quite possible that he was awake turned the pager off before it woke her up.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/12/2015 15:47

As I said - it might not.
He may well delete as he goes etc... as mentioned previously.
But more often than not, it will! That is the point I'm making.

What? You would shout, get angry, swear and flounce off if your DH asked to see your phone?

Enjolrass · 11/12/2015 15:52

What? You would shout, get angry, swear and flounce off if your DH asked to see your phone?

I don't know, but I would be angry. Really angry that I was being suspected of cheating out of blue for going to work. Which if he isn't cheating, it will be about if the blue.

Think of it if a woman posted her dh was demanding to see her phone because he says she has been on it a lot and she got called to work three times and he didn't hear the alarm so is claiming that she must have been sneaking out for a shag.

I am sure that would get a different response.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/12/2015 15:57

For the last 10 years he's needed the alarm.
The alarm goes when he gets a call. He can't possibly be a mind reader - or can he???
Why these 3 nights did he not need it? Was his brain just so in tune he just knew when the call/alarm would go?
Why the big increase in phone usage coinciding with this?
As Gibbs would say - "There is no such thing as coincidence."
But I really hope there is in this case.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/12/2015 16:02

Not from me.
I would just hand over my phone so he could see there was nothing to his suspicions. That it was really at work and he has nothing to worry about.
Hell, I'd give him the numbers of work colleagues if he needed more assurance.
But we are all different and I would have no issue with this at all.
I use my phone for texts, calls, email, internet, games, MN, facebook, and that's about it. I've nothing to hide in any of those places and nothing embarrassing for anyone to see.

If my mum or dad wanted to use it and have a nose around they could.
It's not my diary. I don't have anything on there that would be of any interest to anyone else TBH.

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