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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think he's lying about being at work?

93 replies

livvielunch · 10/12/2015 16:35

DH is a firefighter. On Monday night I woke at just after midnight to find he wasn't in bed and he didn't come home. He was on call as a firefighter so I presumed he'd had a long job. The next day a crash was reported in the local news which happened at 'around 12.45 am' and he said this is where he was, obviously not knowing I'd woken at midnight. I hadn't heard his alarm which I usually do when he gets a call. In the past month there's been three nights where he's been out all night saying he's been working but his alarm hasn't woken me yet it's woken me every time it's gone off in the past ten years.

Aibu to think he could be lying about where he's been?

OP posts:

Enjolrass · 11/12/2015 16:05

hells lets just agree to disagree.

It's not helping the OP

OP you need to speak to your dh, even if it's to ask what time he left or mention you didn't hear his alarm.

Please don't assume any reaction either a calm one or an upset means anything. You need to speak to him.

If you can't there are serious problems.

If you decide to snoop, think about it carefully. Because if you find nothing, you could end up feeling guilty. Or you could assume he is deleting them and then carry on checking. If he finds out and is innocent, it could damage your relationship.

Which I don't think you want.

Him sneaking out is very risky, there is every chance you would wake up. And know what time he wasn't there.

I hope you are ok and get this sorted.

How can he prove he isn't seeing someone? What evidence do you need?

Remember it's difficult to prove you aren't doing something

Permanentlyexhausted · 11/12/2015 16:08

OK. He's lying awake in bed trying to get back to sleep and the alarm goes off. He turns it off very quickly and gets up and leaves. He's turned it off so quickly that it hasn't woken the op up properly although it has disturbed her sleep enough that she does wake up a few minutes later to find the empty bed at midnight.

OP: If this has happened (when you haven't heard the alarm) 3 or 4 times in the last month, how many times in the last month has his alarm gone off and woken you up? How many times would you expect him to be called out per week/month at this time of year? Is he suddenly being called out more often?

Dipankrispaneven · 11/12/2015 17:06

We have good instincts and you should trust yours.

Sorry, but this is a very dangerous rule to follow. The relationships board regularly features partners who trust their instincts that when, say, their wife looks twice at another man, she must be having a raging affair with him. There are instincts, and there is irrational jealousy. Never blindly assume that your instincts are right unless there is solid evidence to support what they are saying.

elf0508 · 11/12/2015 17:07

I think this is what the OP means

to think he's lying about being at work?

Enjolrass · 11/12/2015 18:44

elf

What is that?

PrimeDirective · 11/12/2015 20:13

As Gibbs would say - "There is no such thing as coincidence."
Gibbs was wrong because there are plenty of things that are coincidences.

and Gibbs also said "Never trust a woman who doesn't trust her man."

Original poster

livvielunch · 11/12/2015 23:29

I asked what time the crash was. He said half past midnight and no other shouts.

OP posts:

ladybird69 · 11/12/2015 23:58

ill tell you my similar story no judgement on you and your other half, just think about it from my view.
I'm heavily pregnant 8 months + my exh gets call out a 11! goes off in works van. I try to sleep but by 1am he's not answering his mobile so I give main guard/gate a ring to see where he is. the main guard says no call out tonight!!! I think oh yeah he's gone out with his bestie (it's mid week) I speak to his besties wife nope he's tucked up in bed with his wife. exh who isn't answering his phone finally picks up at gone 2 says he's on call out! I say no you're not..... then he says he's with best friend! then says he's in a lock in! but he's driving! and no there's no one with him that I can spreak to!!! RUN YEAH?!!! but he turned it around as it was my fault for being so needy at being 8 months pregnant!!! he used this a good few more times during our marriage each time to show what an awful wife and mother I was!!! I'm not judging you or your husband but please check it out don't be so gullible as I was, look after YOU x

Enjolrass · 12/12/2015 06:44

So did you tell him that you woke up at 12 and he wasn't there?

Why don't you feel that you can speak to him?

There has to be more to this than what you have put. Have you been having problems?

My marriage hasn't been all roses. We even split and nearly divorced. There have been times I didn't feel I could speak to dh about how I felt. There was nothing in particular just grown apart.

Now, we always talk. It's not always easy. And it hasn't been easy to get to this part. But we talk. No matter how bonkers what we have to say is.

6 years ago I wouldn't have wanted to get into with dh as I wouldn't feel listened to.

Now, I know if I had suspicions or dh told me something that didn't add up, I could say 'well why when I woke at midnight why weren't you here?'.

If he is up to no good, but has a plausible explanation, he will be probably be more careful for a couple of weeks. But then revert to his behaviour. At which point you can reassess what you want to do, do you want to check his phone without him knowing etc.

The fact that you can't tell him straight up that you know he left before midnight suggests to me there is more to this. It's not just what you have put in your OP.

lunar1 · 12/12/2015 07:06

I wouldn't say anything yet either or ask for his phone password. I would be keeping an eye on things that don't add up for a bit though. I think you should trust your instincts.

BifsWif · 12/12/2015 08:20

Op I don't know if you missed my post - where could he have been that was close enough to get to the station if a shout came in?

Original poster

livvielunch · 12/12/2015 22:11

He could have booked off for the night then used the shout as an excuse for being out, Bif.

OP posts:

PinkSquash · 12/12/2015 22:18

OP- I understand the concern about the alerter, it's loud enough to wake the street, especially when everyone is in bed. Have you spoken to him yet?

Check if his brigade have a Newsdesk- ours puts out lists of jobs and the exact time of the call. Media always get it wrong especially if they just get if from a dodgy phone call or word of mouth.

Original poster

livvielunch · 12/12/2015 22:33

He himself has said half past midnight but he was already out by midnight, he just doesn't know I know that.

OP posts:

PinkSquash · 12/12/2015 22:36

You need to ask him really, it isn't an easy conversation but that's the only way to put you at ease.

Chilledmonkeybrains · 13/12/2015 08:11

Is it a normal way to conduct an affair though? Going to bed and then sneaking out in the middle of the night? Where would they be meeting? The OW would need to be single, in her own home, nearby and not need sleep? Seems a bit far fetched?

CakeThat · 13/12/2015 08:29

Surely he will be paid extra for these night long call outs? Could you hold tight and wait to see if the money's on his payslip? Then challenge him if it isn't? If he is having an affair then you will probably spot some other suspicious activities in the meantime.

Dipankrispaneven · 13/12/2015 09:26

He wouldn't necessarily know when the crash happened, would he, as he'd have been called after the event?

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