Aibu to feel so defensive when he questions my job

[Aknotofworry]

I'm not quite sure what exactly this AIBU is, but I feel stressed. Basically, I work in an admin job which I enjoy but isn't all that well paid I guess. 18K. I'm currently living with my parents and saving a bit. My boyfriend is starting a PhD at an English Uni. We have been talking about moving in together down south - we're currently in a long distance relationship. However, he often says things like 'What are you actually going to do for work?' I make ill advised jokes about dossing about reading and taking baths. 'No but what are you actually going to do?' (This is all still very much at the thinking about it stage.) I say that I'll probably look to get an admin/PA job. And he is very very discouraging about this - 'There's too much competition. What will you achieve that will last behind you? It won't be easy to get that sort of thing. Don't you want to exercise your mind? etc.'

And I feel so awful somehow! To be clear, I'm a recovering alcoholic at a fairly young age, a few years sober now. I find things fairly hard to cope with, but am doing better than I ever have, have more confidence but there are daily challenges. I don't know what he wants from me - is he looking for an excuse to end things? Why am I not good enough for him? Sorry I'm rambling.

I think you have a better chance of getting a job than him. He is deluded if he thinks a DPhil will open doors. He will probably turn into a better person when he realises this but can you wait that long?

FaFoutis - he may never realise it. The world is full of people bemoaning their lack of decent job and saying "how can this happen, I have amazing qualifications".

Working in admin and studying for further qualifications aren't mutually exclusive, you could enhance your employability by doing perhaps something business or computer related. Not necessarily academic study, loads of on the job things are out there. Specialist admin and secretarial people can do very well. It's true that London PA jobs are competitive, but that should be all the more reason for him to back you up in getting workplace related qualifications not undermine you.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the responses.

I have lived away from home - while at uni (disaster) and briefly while I was sober as well. But the city where I work is expensive to rent in, and it worked out loads cheaper to commute the short distance from my parents house. My parents and I get on well (now, I made their lives hell for a couple of years) but we also leave each other alone, as it were.
I do have a good life, yes! I can't tell you how much better it is now.

When I'm not feeling stressed and undermined about the job situation, I feel happy and excited about the prospect of moving in with him - I seem to be making him come across rather badly here :/

Aknot, if you have reported his comments correctly and I'm thinking you have, why wouldn't you - then you are not making him come across badly at all. He said what he said. he looks down on people doing admin jobs. No wonder you're feeling stressed and undermined. Do you want to move in with someone and constantly defend what you do for a living?

are you sure it's the prospect of moving in with him that makes you happy or are you picturing an idealised version?

I'm sorry if I seem harsh here but I just see so many red flags with a person who looks down on other lines of work and feels the need to tell his partner their line of work isn't good enough.

Yes to what Lorelei said.

Another thought - whether he means to or not, he is using the compliments about your intelligence & potential to justify belittling you.

It's not clear from your post whether you've told him how this makes you feel - without making a joke of it, or otherwise playing it down. You might try this - if he is genuinely sorry and hasn't realised how he's coming across, great. If he responds in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself, run for the hills. This is a bad dynamic and not what you need or deserve.

I second the suggestions to try living on your own / with flatmates for a bit before moving in with someone who (much like parents) feels they have a stake in your life choices. It could give you more space & independence to work out what you enjoy & feel fulfilled by.

Okay - late to the party, but I think some people are making some mistakes in their judgement of the situation.

Oxford isn't that small a city esp. when compared to Cambridge! There is a lot more to the city than the University/Universities.

Which college is your DP going to be attached to? (You can PM me if you want a judgement.) Because their atmosphere and welcoming of slightly more mature students can vary widely. Cf. Kellogg to Oriel for example.

If he is living 4 miles out - well I think he has already made a mistake. Unless he is living in Kidlington and is a good cyclist on busy roads, then I think he will be shocked by the commute.
Driving is horrible. Lots of people use the Park and Rides and then bus in, but this is less convenient with long hours, and evening activities/time in the lab.

College life is far more central than a "Hall of Residence" at other Universities. If he wants an academic career it is crucial for making contacts and being scene (as well as possibly being a lot of fun).

The University itself offers a lot of (pretty well paid) admin type jobs. And good administrators are highly valued.
I would also strongly recommend that you do think about doing some study (the Department of Continuing Education could be a good place to start looking).

The one other thing that I would be concerned about is that Oxford does have quite a strong drinking culture, so do be prepared.

On the other hand your DP sounds like a snob, and probably doesn't deserve you.

Why is working in admin bad thing?

I'm naturally academic but I work in admin and I love it.

I consider it a career.

A*

He's coming across as very immature and a snob. I have a degree, was in HR but am now a PA earning more than my husband who has been teaching for years. I work part time and two days a week at home. Love my job!!!!

I think if this is already an issue before you move in together then it's likely to become more of an issue when you're paying bills together etc.