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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel so defensive when he questions my job

112 replies

Aknotofworry · 09/12/2015 21:42

I'm not quite sure what exactly this AIBU is, but I feel stressed. Basically, I work in an admin job which I enjoy but isn't all that well paid I guess. 18K. I'm currently living with my parents and saving a bit. My boyfriend is starting a PhD at an English Uni. We have been talking about moving in together down south - we're currently in a long distance relationship. However, he often says things like 'What are you actually going to do for work?' I make ill advised jokes about dossing about reading and taking baths. 'No but what are you actually going to do?' (This is all still very much at the thinking about it stage.) I say that I'll probably look to get an admin/PA job. And he is very very discouraging about this - 'There's too much competition. What will you achieve that will last behind you? It won't be easy to get that sort of thing. Don't you want to exercise your mind? etc.'

And I feel so awful somehow! To be clear, I'm a recovering alcoholic at a fairly young age, a few years sober now. I find things fairly hard to cope with, but am doing better than I ever have, have more confidence but there are daily challenges. I don't know what he wants from me - is he looking for an excuse to end things? Why am I not good enough for him? Sorry I'm rambling. Sad

OP posts:
SilverBirchWithout · 09/12/2015 23:43

Much better to use public transport than a car in Oxford. The City is not very car friendly. At 4 miles, bike is probably the best option.

Original poster
Aknotofworry · 09/12/2015 23:47

Yeah - I think there is a worry there about me looking to him for financial support. We need to actually discuss this obviously, rather than me just thinking it.

OP posts:
Gruach · 09/12/2015 23:52

This takes me back rather.

Are you certain that he wants you there?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 09/12/2015 23:54

I can see both sides I think.
I've known DH far longer than we've been together. When we got together he was in a 'menial' role where he was plainly under appreciated. He had no confidence. He didn't think he was worth more.
I believed in him. He didn't get why. I was the more successful of us as a couple. But by supporting him, challenging him and not judging his choices, we've ended up with him doing something he loves and earning more than I was before dc.
So I can see the frustration that someone you love isn't 'loved' by their employer. But I can also see that he maybe isn't going about it the right way. You need small steps and confidence building. Plus you have a transferable skill. If he gets a great job, you can go too and work easily. If you have a 'big' job then you might find you aren't as portable.

lorelei9 · 09/12/2015 23:57

Hmm....the other thing that strikes me is moving in together after a long distance relationship. I think moving in together is one thing when you've really got to know each other etc....I think the knot of worry how you will cope is about this. It's a big move especially if you are settled in your job. Why not put it on hold for a bit?

lorelei9 · 09/12/2015 23:59

Giddy, where did all that "love from employer" stuff come from? It's not the same as what the OP is describing Confused

Garlick · 10/12/2015 00:00

You said: I really do feel dismissed. This is because he is being dismissive: of your capabilities, your potentials, your ambition and your talents. He sounds a dreadful snob who, I'm sorry to say, deems you 'beneath' him. In spite of everything you've already achieved!

Sometimes we find partners who are right for us for a time. It's not terribly unusual for such a partner to be a person who boosts their own ego by surrounding themselves with people they think inferior to them. The way this works for us is that they can galvanise us (I went to university after my boyfriend sneered that I'd never come to anything!) and they can also help us clarify where, what and who we want to be - and what we don't want.

You sound pretty cool, actually :) If you want to move to Oxford, you could perhaps use this relationship as a stepping stone to broadening your horizons. However, I really don't feel you should take him or his aspersions at all seriously.

Original poster
Aknotofworry · 10/12/2015 00:01

We've been putting it on hold for a while now, that's the thing. I feel like I ought to be able face changes with more confidence now, but it's not happening that way at the moment.

OP posts:
Mmmmcake123 · 10/12/2015 00:05

Op it sounds to me more like he is looking for financial support from you whilst he studies. He can say he is aiming high so stuck at the mo financially, whereas you can try for higher grade administration roles.
Please prioritise yourself before anyone else, you say you enjoy your current role and are doing well. Surround yourself with positive influences and discard negatives xxxx

Original poster
Aknotofworry · 10/12/2015 00:08

I think he's sorted financially for the moment though - his sponsor is supporting him, he has a stipend...but only enough for him obviously.

OP posts:
Mmmmcake123 · 10/12/2015 00:13

I was thinking more that financially he would like more than a stipend, depending on the value of it. If it is plenty then I feel he is maybe pushing you before you are ready xx

Mmmmcake123 · 10/12/2015 00:16

Look after yourself OP, it's one of the most important things in life, you only get one xxx

Original poster
Aknotofworry · 10/12/2015 00:17

Thanks cake Xmas Smile Cake

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 10/12/2015 00:40

I went to Oxford University, my husband left school at 16. He earns 4 times my income and rising, and he has built a company from scratch, of which he is the majority shareholder, which is now worth a few million pounds.

He is highly intelligent (IQ of 158) but not academic, you probably have to be intelligent to be successfully academic but you don't have to be academic to be intelligent. I am naturally academic and value education enormously but it is not the only route to success.

If you enjoy your work, then please don't feel apologetic about it. You can stretch yourself within your field or related fields.

By the way, people worried about him being compelled to morph into Sebastian Flight in order to fit into Oxford Uni life are barking. Most of my peers there went to state schools like me, now if you join certain relatively obscure clubs you may find yourself outnumbered by braying rahs, but that is not the dominant culture at all.

Gruach · 10/12/2015 00:53

Something else occurs to me OP. You don't make it clear - have you lived on your own at all? Shared house? Student room? Or have you lived with any other partner?

Because I really don't think it would be a good idea for you to move straight from the parental home to living with the person you have a relationship with. You wouldn't have built up the necessary self reliance or confidence and you would inevitably slightly look to the other person to fulfill something of the parental role. And it doesn't sound as if this man wants to be responsible for you.

Move when you're ready to do so, but keep some independence and don't put all your eggs ...

tanukiton · 10/12/2015 01:10

You can do a degree online while working So if you get an admin job in HR you can go down that route with higher qualifications.

I would say if you did move down South to move in to a shared house and NOT your boyfriend. This would give more wiggle room for the relationship. Also if you share with other young professionals they will be in the 9 to 5 than students. start looking you might enjoy the new challenge

Littlef00t · 10/12/2015 07:59

I did general admin for a while, and I interpret what he's saying as using the skills to do something more specialised in the long term - project management, HR, marketing or something.

I regret not training and specialising early because as your salary slowly increases, the knock when you go into entry level in your specialism or when you pay for training is harder to bear.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 10/12/2015 08:04

You could do an HGV licence. In Oxford, that gets you 30k working from Asda or Tesco at Didcot.

KakiFruit · 10/12/2015 08:18

I started off in admin on £17k. Three years and three promotions later, I'm on £32k, with a company car, in a specialised role. I wouldn't be here if I hadn't started in admin.

Tell him to fuck off, looking down on admin staff.

DeoGratias · 10/12/2015 09:08

If you like English and history why not become a lawyer. Women in London can earn up to £2m in law firms. You might have what it takes. Out earn the men. It always pays off.

BipBippadotta · 10/12/2015 09:10

He sounds patronising, tbh, and possibly a bit deluded about his own career path. What is he going to do for work, with his PhD (partic if it's in a humanities / soc sci subject)? The life of an academic is deeply unglamorous and for most people doesn't end in a shining intellectual legacy, but burnout after years of REF exercises and bottomless marking and churning out monographs that 4 people in the world ever read.

Plenty of incredibly intelligent people work in all sorts of different fields. You do not have to throw yourself into abstruse research topics to use your mind; that shows a real lack of imagination on his part.

What's with his thinking admin / PA jobs are 'too competitive' for you? I know the job market in London is very tough, but if you have admin experience and a bit of persistence honestly this should not be a problem. And admin can always be a way into different and more interesting work - I know plenty of people who have started out in charity or media or whatever admin jobs and moved into other roles within the organisation.

I think it takes a long time and a lot of trial and error to work out what you actually want to do and what will make you feel challenged and fulfilled. And plenty of people (academics included!) do not feel entirely fulfilled by their career, but find meaning & happiness elsewhere in their lives.

YANBU. It is lovely that he recognises your intelligence, but there is something, to me, a bit creepy and naive about the way he does it.

And well done indeed on staying sober.

Russellgroupserf · 10/12/2015 09:13

He is an insufferable snob.

The most gracious human I have ever known was a Professor who was world renowned in his field. He treated everyone with the same grace and it was irrelevant if you were the cleaner or the Dean of the faculty.

He will have a shock because some people do have attitudes like him sadly and PG students are an annoyance to some senior academics, the snobby ones obviously.

expatinscotland · 10/12/2015 09:22

I really don't think it's a good idea to move to Oxford to live with him. I'd focus on you first and what you want and need. I'd tell him you need more time to think about what you want and need.

lorelei9 · 10/12/2015 09:41

aknotofworry "I feel like I ought to be able face changes with more confidence now, but it's not happening that way at the moment"

I bet if it was a positive change you would feel better and more confident.

I also notice you said you weren't sure what your AIBU was about. You have a gut feeling that this is wrong.

Please act on it, OP. I see women posting here every day with a version of "he treats me like shit, what shall I do?" Your happiness in life is the thing you need to prioritise.

if you don't mind me asking, have you lived out of the parental home? I would agree that moving in with anyone before you've learned to live independently is a bad idea.

separate him from your life and is it a good life? Do you need to work on making friends and so on? I just wonder why you are so keen to move in with someone who talks about you this way.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 10/12/2015 09:46

I actually do find my current job pretty fulfilling though!

That's great! I would kill for that. He sounds like my parents. They are professionals and can't help making little digs about my lack of a career ( I work in a call centre). They think its helping but it makes me feel like crap. I get how you feel, tell him to back off, you like admin.