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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel so defensive when he questions my job

112 replies

Aknotofworry · 09/12/2015 21:42

I'm not quite sure what exactly this AIBU is, but I feel stressed. Basically, I work in an admin job which I enjoy but isn't all that well paid I guess. 18K. I'm currently living with my parents and saving a bit. My boyfriend is starting a PhD at an English Uni. We have been talking about moving in together down south - we're currently in a long distance relationship. However, he often says things like 'What are you actually going to do for work?' I make ill advised jokes about dossing about reading and taking baths. 'No but what are you actually going to do?' (This is all still very much at the thinking about it stage.) I say that I'll probably look to get an admin/PA job. And he is very very discouraging about this - 'There's too much competition. What will you achieve that will last behind you? It won't be easy to get that sort of thing. Don't you want to exercise your mind? etc.'

And I feel so awful somehow! To be clear, I'm a recovering alcoholic at a fairly young age, a few years sober now. I find things fairly hard to cope with, but am doing better than I ever have, have more confidence but there are daily challenges. I don't know what he wants from me - is he looking for an excuse to end things? Why am I not good enough for him? Sorry I'm rambling. Sad

OP posts:
AdjustableWench · 09/12/2015 22:56

Has he only just started his PhD? It's a very long hard slog for the vast majority of people who do one. Not many 'chunks of time off'. Not everyone finishes, even at Oxford. Sorry, maybe I'm being a bit harsh... but I think if he's going to stress about anyone's career he should be focusing his anxiety on his own work and not yours. Apart from anything else, he should be grateful for any emotional support you can give him through the long hard process of his research. If you decide you want to do more education, then that's great - as long as it's your decision, and you're pursuing your own passions. If you decide you want to do admin, that's also great - again, especially if you feel fulfilled. Academic institutions would completely collapse without competent admin staff - as he will quickly realise if he is fortunate enough to land an academic job after his PhD.

You are doing really well to be in recovery, and you don't need your hard work undermined! Don't ever let anyone suggest that you're less amazing than you are.

Original poster
Aknotofworry · 09/12/2015 22:59

Thanks all. I felt quite excited about a move to Oxford, really. But also aware that big changes are hard - I don't want to sound a whiney brat, but they are particularly hard for someone with a 'condition', or whatever you'd like to call it, like mine. A previous poster said something about him being concerned about my lack of serious planning? I think that's maybe true and fair - I haven't done anything concrete.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aknotofworry · 09/12/2015 23:00

Oh Adjustable, thank you.

OP posts:
CastaDiva · 09/12/2015 23:03

Hmmm, as someone who did my doctorate in your DP's field at Oxford, I'm honestly far from sure I would recommend you move down there with someone you seem quite unsure about, with very different current life goals, when he's about to embark on a challenging, solitary course of study in a city which is, as someone else said, a particularly intense intellectual bubble. I did know people who were doing postgraduate degrees who had partners or spouses with them, and, even if they were working, they often seemed very isolated as the spouse who was studying made a life and friends within their faculty/college. It can be quite inward-looking.

OP, agreed that you are in a far more employable situation than he will be after he finishes! Does he know how grim the job market is?

AnnaMarlowe · 09/12/2015 23:04

Ak Given your follow up, I'm back to thinking he's a bit immature.

'Chunks' of time off? Academics don't have chunks of time off. They spend student free time working on their own research, funding proposals etc as well as teaching prep for the next term.

In order to successfully complete a PhD, especially an arts PhD, he'll need to be very self motivated and self directed. Otherwise it's easy to drift.

Original poster
Aknotofworry · 09/12/2015 23:05

He has a Mechanical Engineering degree btw.

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 09/12/2015 23:06

OP he's being very snobby and unrealistic. The snobby thing doesn't need explaining, but in terms of lack of realism, many an admin person has developed a career in projects and all sorts. The idea that admin leads nowhere is daft. It's also a great skill set for life and for working for yourself.

Also if you want to stick at the level you're at, do. I've turned down promotions as I don't want the stress and don't consider the extra pay worth it. YANBU at all. I've had a boyfriend who wanted me to push myself harder and complained I wasn't using my M.A. I didn't date him for long and told him pointedly I didn't hire him as a life coach.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/12/2015 23:07

Have you asked him what he is going to do apart from being a perpetual student?

I think he likes himself very very much. You, not so much.

He sounds insufferable.

Original poster
Aknotofworry · 09/12/2015 23:08

I'm not representing him all that well with the 'chunks of time off' thing! He was talking about that when considering getting an offshore post after graduating.

OP posts:
AnnaMarlowe · 09/12/2015 23:12

Ok, I'll let him off.

Offshore is a hard slog though.

hefzi · 09/12/2015 23:13

If he's going to do Mech Eng, he will be spending seriously long periods of time in the office (science thing) - and he should probably not get too excited about work/life balance for another few years, either.

As you are in recovery, and living at home, I think you seriously need to think about things like checking out job options: and if he's already found a place, is he sharing with others? You might not be able to automatically join him there - I know you said it's just outside Oxford, but depending on where exactly, you may also find you need a car, as public transport isn't always reliable or great there.

You need to keep taking care of yourself, though, and keep recovering: are there things you are likely to find triggering about being in that situation? How would you feel about moving so far from home, without having any support network in place except for your DP? The last thing you want is to move down, end up unemployed, skint and miserable - and then back on the booze as the only way to cope. I guess you've thought of this already - but you need to have good plans, and also strategies for how you'll cope when things go wrong: because there is always something that goes wrong, even with the best thought-out of plans.

And - think about actually asking your DP if he wants you to move with him: not a vague conversation, but a straightforward, "I feel like I'm getting mixed messages from you: do you actually want me to move to Oxford with you?"

Original poster
Aknotofworry · 09/12/2015 23:14

Yes, I don't think he was considering the reality of it... Sorry he's coming across as insufferable! Help. He knows about the alcoholism btw, saw me in action a bit, and is obviously glad that I'm better. But he doesn't fully get it either, I don't think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aknotofworry · 09/12/2015 23:15

hefzi that's a very helpful post. Thank you.

Just to note on the accommodation - he's there on his own, and it's around 4 miles out.

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JessieMcJessie · 09/12/2015 23:19

How long have you been together and how old are you? Your parents seem still to be s big part of your life- what do they think of him?

lorelei9 · 09/12/2015 23:20

Btw don't say you're not achieving anything concrete
You're earning, saving and getting work experience and references and contacts...that is a lot of concrete stuff.

Also, in terms of competition it is fierce in many fields but I think admin and PA less so in fact. I've done agency work in that to fill gaps between contracts and it's been easier to get than other stuff. My sister is a qualified professional in her field and redundancy etc is harder for her to manage than for me (I have a somewhat mad career). Sometimes the generalist has an easier time of it. Besides, ask an academic and they'll say "ooh it's competitive"! What isn't? Air traffic control? Pastry chef?

I'm wondering if this is your usual username or if the knot of worry is that you secretly sense this guy is not nice? Sorry.

lorelei9 · 09/12/2015 23:22

Also should have said, yay on your recovery and put yourself first.

AnyoneButSanta · 09/12/2015 23:23

Just as an alternative perspective, my first guess was the opposite to everyone else here. You'd have to be pretty spectacularly thick to get to the stage of starting a DPhil without realising that a) a doctorate is not in fact a passport to instant high paying jobs and b) living expenses in Oxford are very high.

Assuming that the DP is not actually that thick then his next thought may well be...."Unlike me, my lovely girlfriend is not dedicated to a fulfilling but financially unrewarding academic career. She's actually pretty bright, and very employable. Maybe she could earn lots of money and keep us both in the style to which we'd like to become accustomed without me having to sell out my academic dreams."

Gold-digger is such an ugly word for a perfectly normal transaction that takes place in so many couples' lives.... If the two of you are going to live comfortably and independently in the South East and ever afford to have children without relying on George Osborne's generosity then one of you is going to have to earn real money, and it's probably not going to be him.

Of course I might be completely wrong. Maybe he's planning to turn his DPhil in oceanographics into a highly lucrative rocket science career in the City.

hefzi · 09/12/2015 23:25

Only 4 miles should see you fine on buses - I was just thinking that running a car would be another thing for you to have to factor in: the good news is that there are plenty of agencies and things you could sign up with looking for a new job, and also sign up for jobs.ac.uk - though admin vacancies in universities are always really fought over and very competitive to get. That said, you definitely won't get one if you don't apply :-)

One of my DBs was in a similar situation to you (in that he doesn't have a degree) and it took him about a year to be offered a job after his previous role ended - for some reason, though, he was then inundated with offers etc, so it's entirely possible he wasn't looking that hard in the beginning! I love Oxford - it's also my hometown - but I do know it's become stupid expensive, and, like I say, the University can be a bit bubblicious, especially for people who end up a bit dazzled by being there. A previous poster said something about people changing their accents - not uncommon. Their are some lovely, lovely people who work there - and also some weird, rude and deeply patronising people. Hopefully, your DP will have the sense to look for the former and avoid the latter!

Anyway - loads of luck! (And feel free to message me if you need any help with finding agencies or whatever Smile)

hefzi · 09/12/2015 23:28

I don't know, Santa - DPhil in the sciences seems a good passport to lucrative jobs in the sciences for a number of people!

Original poster
Aknotofworry · 09/12/2015 23:28

Oh I forgot - it's a DPhil, not a PhD 🙈 Example of me not fitting in already?? Ha! The knot of worry is more about my own ability to cope. The gold digger aspect had never occurred to me...

OP posts:
hefzi · 09/12/2015 23:32

oops - should read "industry" not sciences... Time for bed, clearly!

LaurieMarlow · 09/12/2015 23:36

Sweet Jesus you'll be a damned sight more employable than him. The world is not crying out for English PHDs I know this from bitter experience

I'd bat back with questions about his big career path. How's that going to pan out? Who will be falling over themselves to hire him?

LaurieMarlow · 09/12/2015 23:38

Misread your OP. Science PhDs still not passport to riches.

SilverBirchWithout · 09/12/2015 23:40

I think your DP may soon come down to Earth with an almighty bump himself. DPhil students are quite low down the food chain in Oxford, someone like yourself sounds more grounded and realistic IMHO. Maybe you should be actually asking him what is HE is planning to really do with his life when he ceases being a student. Don't let his snide (& misplaced) snobbery about his own 'success' interfere with your own self-esteem.

I live in Oxfordshire, DH works at the Uni. Plenty of suitable (& interesting) jobs for you in the area. Question is whether you want to be around someone like your DP as they get to grips with realising they are just as ordinary as everyone else, and may be using you to bolster their own self-esteem.

Gruach · 09/12/2015 23:41

I'm hearing two things.

Possibly he's worrying about your long-term compatibility. And how he's going to introduce you to his new friends.

More probably, unless he's independently wealthy, with 3 or 4 years of study ahead, he very much needs you to be earning enough for both of you. Or at least for you not to be looking to him for financial support.

Proceed with caution; he's at the ruthless stage of life.