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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to feel so defensive when he questions my job

112 replies

Aknotofworry · 09/12/2015 21:42

I'm not quite sure what exactly this AIBU is, but I feel stressed. Basically, I work in an admin job which I enjoy but isn't all that well paid I guess. 18K. I'm currently living with my parents and saving a bit. My boyfriend is starting a PhD at an English Uni. We have been talking about moving in together down south - we're currently in a long distance relationship. However, he often says things like 'What are you actually going to do for work?' I make ill advised jokes about dossing about reading and taking baths. 'No but what are you actually going to do?' (This is all still very much at the thinking about it stage.) I say that I'll probably look to get an admin/PA job. And he is very very discouraging about this - 'There's too much competition. What will you achieve that will last behind you? It won't be easy to get that sort of thing. Don't you want to exercise your mind? etc.'

And I feel so awful somehow! To be clear, I'm a recovering alcoholic at a fairly young age, a few years sober now. I find things fairly hard to cope with, but am doing better than I ever have, have more confidence but there are daily challenges. I don't know what he wants from me - is he looking for an excuse to end things? Why am I not good enough for him? Sorry I'm rambling.

OP posts:

ExBallerina · 09/12/2015 22:18

Hmm. Tricky sounding.

Best diplomatic answer I'd give is, I like my job and I know I can do it. I can only get better, and I'd like your support.

treesntrees · 09/12/2015 22:19

The op didn't say she was a single parent.

Original poster

Aknotofworry · 09/12/2015 22:20

No, I am not a single parent! I'm living with my parents...

OP posts:

BiscuitMillionaire · 09/12/2015 22:20

If he's not an asshole, maybe he knows from talking to you about history etc that you're clever and thinks you're under-valuing yourself, that you could aim higher.

Have you told him that when he talks this way it makes you feel dismissed?

Akire · 09/12/2015 22:21

Very few people do an amazing job they love that makes loads of money and "makes a difference" it's ok to talk about it one off but all the time? That would really grate. OP you sound lovely I agree with other posters let him settle down after his course, move get a new job before you make any big decisions. A partner who would be negative about my chosen career wouldn't last long!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 09/12/2015 22:21

He sounds like the worst kind of intellectual snob, tbh.

You, on the other hand, are doing brilliantly and seem to be prioritising your recovery over everything else. Quite right too. As you become more secure in your recovery, your career path might change. Or it might not - who knows?

Does he know about the alcoholism? Because it seems to me he's not particularly empathetic about the choices you might make in order to protect your sobriety. And with respect, if that's true, I wonder if he's the right person for you to be around?

I know AA talk about changing the company you keep - that's not necessarily other addicts...

Topseyt · 09/12/2015 22:22

I have always done admin jobs. They are what I enjoy and can do. I am happy being "back office staff", as some might put it.

It sounds as though your DP looks down on what you do. Maybe he needs to realise that us admin staff are no slouches. Indeed, over time we gain a good general knowledge of the businesses and fields we work in.

If you really like and enjoy your current job then ask yourself whether giving it up for someone who looks down his nose at what you do is really the wisest course of action.

piglover · 09/12/2015 22:22

Does he have any idea what the university job market is like? (Assuming that he's doing the PhD for that reason.) You are likely to have a much easier time than he is finding work!

piglover · 09/12/2015 22:22

Or rather, than he will when the time comes.

Akire · 09/12/2015 22:23

Sorry why did I think you had child to many posts to much wine

abbieanders · 09/12/2015 22:25

To be honest, he doesn't sound very nice to me. It sounds like he's quite ambitious for his own career path, and if he's doing a PhD, it could be a loooong affair. I suspect he'd quite like for you to provide financial security while he studies and undermines your job so that you feel grateful for the chance to support him.

Now I could be completely wrong and possibly he's lovely, but you sound so unhappy and confused that I think he's not making you feel wonderful.

Saukko · 09/12/2015 22:26

An English student laughing at the prospects of others! Ha!

I'm an English grad, I'm allowed to laugh.

He's having a sneer, and that's a terrible sign. He looks down on you.

hefzi · 09/12/2015 22:27

Aside from whether he likes your job or not - Oxford is a very small, very expensive city: rents are fairly horrendous - is he perhaps planning on living in college? If so, you wouldn't be able to live with him - and I guess his point is that it might be very difficult for you to find a job quickly that doesn't involve commuting to Swindon or London.

Also - be aware that people at the University live a slightly bubble-ish existence, and spouses/partners not part of that world tend to get pissed off with the seeming preciousness very quickly, especially where the couples are young or youngish. I'm not saying don't go - but it's not an easy place to be, from both a job prospect and rent perspective, and I would be a bit iffy, I am afraid, if it is that he is being snotty over the fact you don't have a degree/career etc yet. Oxford tends to make people like that worse, not better.

Pythonesque · 09/12/2015 22:31

Ok, a possible perspective:
He does or doesn't know about your history that has led to the point you are currently at. He does know that you are bright but haven't had any tertiary education.

So, what do you really want to do in a job? Could be that he is trying to encourage you to think about career paths and find a longer term goal that he can help you work towards.

Listening to you, you're not quite ready to do that thinking yet - why not try having a conversation about what it is you need in a job right now, work-life balance stuff and all the rest, and indeed as someone suggested above, tell him the time to consider whether you want to do something different / gain additional qualifications in the longer term, will be when he's finished his PhD.

By the way Oxford housing is scarily expensive :(

Good luck exploring ways forward so you both understand each other.

AnnaMarlowe · 09/12/2015 22:32

Ak maybe nothing. But...

Oxford/Cambridge are small, intense, 'bubbles'.

It's very easy to start to think that only intellectual pursuits are of value, that less educated people are not worth so much your time because they can't 'keep up', that anywhere north of the Home Counties is beyond the pale.

If he's coming from a fairly normal background he could potentially struggle with the need change himself to 'fit in' to Oxford society. I know a number of people whose accents changed radically (eg from broad Irish to RP).

Of course he may stay the same lovely man you know now. But his current comments aren't encouraging and he's not even there yet.

You sound really nice, you sound like you have worked incredibly hard on your recovery. I just want you to look before you leap.

If he's the 'one' it won't make a difference.

GreyBird84 · 09/12/2015 22:35

Goodness what would he think of me, an English graduate working as an administrator in same university? I have An education, a job I enjoy & it contributes to the student experience!

I would Definately let him to go to Oxford be himself for a little while. Concentrate on yourself OP.

AnnaMarlowe · 09/12/2015 22:35

Apologies Ak but Abbies point had occurred to me too. Is his plan for you to fund him?

LotsOfShoes · 09/12/2015 22:36

Three things come to mind:

Some people really don't understand the idea of not wanting a career. To be honest, I'm one of them. I don't think I could be with someone who isn't driven or doesn't have a goal in mind. Because I'm driven and career focused and I would need someone to understand me. It doesn't mean that I look down on people who don't want the same things. It just means I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life living with them.
You don't seem to have a plan and are a bit vague about how you will manage. It sounds like you either haven't given this enough thought or you're not planning to do this after all. Hence he's questioning you a lot to see what you're thinking.
He also sounds a bit immature and self-involved. He doesn't sound very supportive, especially when he's questioning you about going back to uni. I would be wary of uprooting and moving in with him at this stage.

JumpandScore · 09/12/2015 22:36

I don't think he is an English Graduate, but a Graduate from an English Uni?

Original poster

Aknotofworry · 09/12/2015 22:36

Thanks Anna, I'm stupidly glad that I sound nice He's not an English grad btw, it's a more 'useful' degree. Oddly, he's talked about work/life balance being important to him as well - I think he likes the idea of chunks of time off. He considered working off shore before. He already has somewhere to rent, just outside Oxford.

OP posts:

JumpandScore · 09/12/2015 22:42

Is it wrong of me to be loving the fact that all the English grads didn't read the Op properly?

Original poster

Aknotofworry · 09/12/2015 22:43

Sorry to confuse people with the English thing - I was trying to be vague, but then obviously gave away the Oxford thing anyway. He's actually a graduate of a Scottish uni.

OP posts:

Imogenj · 09/12/2015 22:45

What AnnaMarlowe says - agree.

He needs to dedicate some of his intellect towards accepting others for what they are - it sounds like he wants you to be something that you're not and why should you be? You're fine and your value doesn't go up because you're in job which happens to be academic, or down because you do an admin job. Surely it's the quality of how you do your job, lawyer, bricklayer, road sweeper, secretary - the actual job doesn't matter. He sounds quite immature. I'd be wary of dedicating myself to someone who isn't on my side.

Corygal · 09/12/2015 22:50

I think he is trying to tell you that you're more capable than you think - no doubt true, who isn't more capable than they think - but he's doing it in a klutzy way.

Tell him that for now you don't want a job that pushes you to the limits of your capabilities like the bleeding Nike mountaineer every bleeding morning, and that you like the people and the tasks, which is a rare and precious thing in the world of work.

And that you have a life, which is even rarer these days, partic if you do more obviously testing job.

Anyway, stuff him - he's PhDing, that's hardly at the coalface. What does he know about commercial work - nowt.

Treats · 09/12/2015 22:51

Do YOU want to move down south? Would this be something you'd consider if you weren't in a relationship with him? You sound like you're doing really well in your recovery and a move could either unsettle you and put it at risk or it could consolidate your recovery and help you move onto the next stage.

It sounds to me as if you need to prioritise yourself at this stage in your life. Your instincts will tell you whether this move is going to be more helpful or harmful to you. If you're worried about how supportive he's going to be, then I think that's a sign that you're not sure this is the right move for you.

And I echo what the others say about admin roles being a fantastic springboard to other roles, and a fulfilling career in itself.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

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