to shout at my student son for getting low marks at university

[bluehaze]

Son in first term at uni doing biochemistry. He is getting 50% marks for his lab reports. Yesterday I shouted and ranted about him having low standards, never going to get through the year, not taking university seriously etc. He does have a history of not working hard and only doing the minimum. Then I talked to a friend who said well thats about right for university marks, and nobody gets really high marks. Now I'm not sure if I was really unreasonable or whether those kinds of marks are really OK. Anyone else got any idea? For the future I want to be sure that if he's doing fine then he gets some praise for it, but then again I don't want to let it go if he's coasting along. Yes I could stay out of it and let him learn from his mistakes etc, but its taken a lot of hard work for him to get there in the first place - has bad dyslexia - and I don't want him to throw the opportunity away if a bit of timely pressure from me will make a difference!
sitting on the fence here - leave him to it, say 'well done' or nag him to do better ?

harsh - even though the son is "a financial dependent", he's still classed as being an adult in the eyes of the law. He's 18, or - for all I know - the same age as my DD, who is also in her first year at 19, or the same age as I was in my first year of university (22). And, more importantly... it's his future that he's working towards. Not the OP's. His.

I paid my own way through university as an adult. My DD is also funding herself through the standard student loan and a part-time job, as an adult. Yes; she gets to live at home - but she also pays rent for her bed & board. Because she's an adult. She's my daughter, and if she needed me to help her out and subsidise her - I would... but she's responsible and independent enough (at the moment) to know that, as she is of legal majority, she has to figure it out for herself. Just as I would expect her to if she'd gone to university at the other end of the country. The OP and other parents treating their adult offspring as children when, really, they're not, isn't doing anyone any favours. Least of all the offspring.

I was only four years older than the majority of the other students doing my course - and I was horrified by how immature they all were. My daughter is only a few months older than the other students on her course (summer baby) and she's disgusted (I'm quoting her, here) by how they don't know how to work washing machines, or ovens, or how to cook basic meals - she's had to explain to one girl how you need boiling water to make pasta, for example, because this girl has never had to cook a meal in her life... and has suddenly been turned out into the wider world. And don't even get me started on the amount of her peers at university who blew their grant on partying within the first couple of weeks and are having to beg for handouts from their parents... and are seemingly proud of this fact enough to brag about it.

So, whether the OP's son is a financial dependent or not - he is still an adult, living away from home, with all the responsibilities for himself that entails. And, as his mother, the OP really has to let him figure it out and trust that she's raised him well enough to do so. Because at the end of the day, surely that's what it boils down to? Whether or not the OP believes that she's raised her DS well enough to survive without her constant interference in every aspect of his life.

I think she has.

She just needs to believe that, herself.

An assessment for dyslexia for uni will need to be carried out post-16 and be less than three years old.

Has that standardized across all UK universities now?

I have two DC who we haven't got assessed yet - they are still fairly young - but I'd like to keep on eye on requirements like this in case needed for the future.

My son (at a Scottish uni) hadn't had an assessment since primary school and the uni took that but wanted to see the original signed copy. Not sure if they contacted the school as well. he got voice activated software and a printer from the uni

Early January exams were introduced at the last university I worked at in response to mass student complaints that they simply didn't have time to cram for exams before Christmas as well as submitting coursework around the end of the semester. We listened, and then, when we introduced January exams as an experiment one year, the students complained that it ruined their Christmases.

Contrary, yes, I've dealt with first year students whose parents came in to my office hours to query marks because their 18/19/20/21 year old offspring were 'too shy', who phoned me to ask for an extension on their offspring's behalf and got shirty when I said I could only deal with the student him or herself, and with a student who apologised for missing a 9 am class of mine - it was because her mother had forgotten to phone in her daily alarm call from her home city in order to make sure her daughter had got out of bed.

I am completely unshockable as regards helicopter parents and infantilised young adults.

Not RTFT but wanted to offer my tuppence worth.

If your DS is telling you his marks (I never shared mine) the chances are he is still looking for a bit of guidance and reassurance from you. I would be getting him to think about how his marks are stacking up relative to the rest of his year group and expectations of course advice / tutors. I would also be getting him to plan ahead in terms of how much of his total result for the year they represent and whether he needs certain results to secure exam exemptions or keep options open for second year.

Agree with pp that it is hard for 1st years to gain perspective and see the long game and there is a lot of adjusting to do.

My parents knew nothing of how I was doing academically. Was I enjoying it? Was there anything in was finding hard? Did I have enough money to survive? These were all things that concerned them but by that age they just kind of assumed I knew what needed to be done academically and left me to it. All I needed to know was that they'd have been hugely disappointed had I dropped out, so they trusted me to manage my studies. The only thing I can imagine is different today is that there's a huge amount of money riding on success and often parents are financially supporting their dc through uni and therefore have an 'investment' to maintain. They had grants in my day but tuition fees probably changes things considerably. Even so, op, your ds is now an adult regardless of the arguments around whether he's actually doing ok or not or whether the first year doesn't matter. His success or failure is on his own head - advise and support all you can but it's a fine line between that and becoming overbearing.

I have a biochem degree. My first year was horrendous. ABSOLUTELY awful. I thought about quitting everyday.

One of my lecturers told me that whenever I walked into class I looked like I had been hit by a brick wall and the bricks had left patterned marks all over my face.

I got through it though. She still discourages students and makes everyone question themselves.

Thanks 2rebecca.

I know the OU took a seven year old full assessment of me but that was over a decade ago now so wondered if a consensus had been reached since then.

Probably something I need to keep an eye on for them.

If a uni takes an old assessment, then you're lucky. You should be prepared to have another post 16, as that's probably more likely to be what's required:

www.bdadyslexia.org.uk/dyslexic/students-in-fe-and-he

Thanks Scholes34 it's useful to be aware that we very well might have to find that kind of money post 16 for them.

Dammit. Just got back and did huge long reply to some really great advice. And its disappeared.
to summarise: at time of last asking, he is enjoying course, is getting to most lectures, is doing some work, has friends, likes uni, has had no trouble cooking, cleaning, doing his washing and managing his budget. All of which I pretty much took for granted - but now feel I should be very grateful for this if its not a given for all new students.

Re the dyslexia - great suggestions from those of you with personal experience both from within the teaching system and from the student side. I will encourage him to have another look at whats on offer.

For myself, I am going to try to step back as I had quite a big role in both GCSE s and A levels when support wasn't forthcoming from school. so its probably me that is feeling somehow left out and needing input etc - so like posters upthread have suggested - time for me to really let go. However, I'm not going to go as far as the PP who said her mum didn't even know which university she was at! That for me is too much disinterest.

So figure out where his marks lie compared to others in class. Find out if there are some subjects he finds harder than others. Offer support, or help to find support if he thinks he needs it! Don't shout!

And thank you everyone. I am really glad I posted. You have all helped me look at the much wider picture instead of fixating on one reported mark that as you say, I can't actually put into context

Just to add .. careful with the idea that the first year doesn't count towards final marks.

It might do. Your DS needs to check with the academic team. First year marks count towards the final grade in quite a lot of our UG courses, and it can create a lot of pressure on students to achieve high marks in the second and third year to make up for their first year bust.

I've not read all the posts but I just wanted to say that I'm in my second year currently doing a human biology based subject. My friends who have dyslexia are entitled to note takers but can also get disabled student allowance (I think) and I know they can get money back from paper and printer credits refunded so it's worth looking at.

Also just to reiterate that 50% is pretty normal for first semester. I was chuffed with getting that last year. And lab reports can be very difficult to get good marks in. A huge proportion of marks are often allocated to referencing which is very difficult until you get your head around it. And its a whole new writing style that's totally different to A level so all takes some getting used to

One thing I found incredibly helpful were the extra courses my institution offered in study skills, research skills and managing work-related stress. Lots of people have never been taught things that they suddenly need to do at Uni-write a formal essay, set out a formal argument in numbered paragraphs, or whatever. Even if they have, finding a supportive group where you can swao hints and tips, or just admit to finding the work hard, can be a Godsend. If you do chat about things with your son, perhaps suggest finding something like this, or even setting up his own study group.

A levels are easy compared to degree level. It is a massive jump up. 50% is reasonable given it's first year and not to meantion the subject matter. Surely aslong as your son works hard and does well thats all that should matter. I'm dyslexic and went to uni there is help and support available and appprioate equipment. Has he been assessed for anything laptops, audio equipment to record lectures?

Reading your last post, I personally still think that you're getting too involved. Bar his dyslexia support, back right off. Please don't compare him or his marks to others in the class!

Don't worry too much. I probably got lower than 50% in my first year which didn't count thankfully. Even my second year wasn't great with an average in the 50s which is a 2:2. I managed to knuckle down in my final year, even with a super hard graduate module I asked to do, and got a safe 2:1. It's very different to A Level, which suits some students (like me in the end) but others can struggle event with all As from school.

He has dyslexia is he getting the right support would be my first thought.