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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you're less hormonally mental with your second born than your first?

32 replies

Flamingo1980 · 08/12/2015 21:22

Two of my friends have just had their second babies and say they feel much less crazy than when they had their first babies. My only child is two and when I had her I was so wrecked with hormones I just cried all the time and imagined people were going to harm her or she would just die for no reason.
It's really put me off having a second but now My friends are saying the mental-mum thoughts are not so bad the second time around.. What do you lot think....?

OP posts:

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 08/12/2015 21:24

Yes, I think I am more relaxed with number two.
Less hormonal, more experienced.

Bubblychocolate · 08/12/2015 21:25

I didn't even feel like I had DC2, apart from the usual day 3 and 4 blues.

On DC1 I thought I was having a breakdown.

HungryHorace · 08/12/2015 21:25

I was, but I didn't have the traumatic birth experience I had with DD with DS, so I think that also helped me remain on a more even keel.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 08/12/2015 21:25

I think the sheer horror of sleep deprivation and the slight panic of finding yourself totally responsible for a tiny human is such a shock with first DC. The second time your body has had some experience and copes a bit better. However you have to factor in the demands of managing an older DC as well as baby and lack of sleep. For me, less hormonal, just as mental.

BrianButterfield · 08/12/2015 21:26

Yes, and you're more used to the whole sleep thing so it's not such a terrible shock to the system.

VagueIdeas · 08/12/2015 21:28

Yes. I'm not sure it has anything to do with hormones though, it's just SO much less of a shock to the system because you've done it before.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 08/12/2015 21:31

My ds2 was 17 days late then an emcs.

After that we were prepared for everything and lucky that ds1 (27 moths)was a peach!

Mentally? I was euphoric that we had him delivered safely after a traumatic birth, it carried me through a long hot summer of sleeplessness.

Much easier with the second child and beyond.

weeblueberry · 08/12/2015 21:32

Yep I was far less neurotic with the second. Practically horizontal compared to the first. But then my life hadn't just flipped upside down and I was used to my entire self feeling like it was dedicated to someone else.

TimeToMuskUp · 08/12/2015 21:34

Yes, I was far, far more stable with DS2 than with DS1. I just adapted better.

I think with your first nothing you can do prepares you for the life-changing-sheer-terrifying-ness of it all. I remember coming home with DS1 and being a bit scared that I wasn't qualified to do anything. With DS2 I don't think I ever had those moments; it was second nature by that point. And so I was less mental because I knew what I was doing.

AlpacaLypse · 08/12/2015 21:40

I'm not properly qualified to comment, as dd2 arrived eleven minutes after dd1, so I had to get used to having two children simultaneously.

However, as we've all grown up together as families, I've noticed that all my friends who had their children in separate pregnancies rather than in twin pairs were markedly better at it with the second (and subsequent, because two of us had three in the end and another one had four and another has got terribly into this motherhood thing and is working hard on no.5).

I'm currently spending a lot of time with a friend who's just had her second, she is so much more chilled and relaxed, and consequently so is her baby and everyone else in the household, than she was with her first. She and we all agree this is more about her having experienced it and therefore not being frightened than because her second child is intrinsically calmer and more chilled that the first.

Strangertides1 · 08/12/2015 21:41

For me yes. The second time around was much less hormonal, I don't think I cried for any reason than pure relief and proud mummy moments, staring at his beautiful face. The first time was simply awful with the crying and thoughts of giving ds1 away cos it was too hard. I think it was mainly due to sleep deprivation and not having a clue what to do as well as hormones. Second time around I was still use to the lack of sleep (ds1 his now nearly four and starting sleeping through at 3 years). Ds2 is nearly two and sleeps through but I have to get up about 3/4am to do a nappy change otherwise he's soaked and up at 6am. Anyway pg with third and final so ds2 must of been a hell of a lot easier.

sandylion · 08/12/2015 21:44

I think you have more perspective with no.2. You certainly have more confidence. I had my blip at 5 days post delivery but nothing like the sobbing into a towel I did with DD1!

I have a nearly 4 yo DD and a 4 month old son and loving every minute with him. I won't let myself become stressed and anxious the way I did with number 1!

Haggisfish · 08/12/2015 21:47

I was fine after second and utterly traumatised by first. Definitely easier second time round.

BarbarianMum · 08/12/2015 21:48

Much calmer w ds2. Just as well because we moved 3 weeks after he was born, then had a major health scare with him bw 6 weeks and 4 months. It was pretty awful but if it had been ds1 I honestly think I'd have had a breakdown (no hyperbole).

Ihatechoosingnames · 08/12/2015 21:58

I was completely traumatised by my first birth ending in EMCS and my son was quite difficult - colicky and did not sleep. I felt like I was losing my mind. I was so anxious, neurotic and terrified.

He's now 2, just had DD and feel much more relaxed. But this time I had a beautiful ELCS and she is the world's easiest baby. Plus I feel so much more confident with her. I have been diagnosed with PND recently (she is 7 weeks) but I am nowhere near the scary crazy I felt last time, just down and anxious rather than traumatised and near a breakdown this time.

XiCi · 08/12/2015 21:59

Mental mum thoughts? Honestly have no experience of this at all. And as far as I know neither have any of my friends or family. Sounds like you may have had PND which is not something that affects all first time mums.

Haggisfish · 08/12/2015 22:03

I think mental mum thoughts are quite normal, actually. If they start to actually affect your life, or what you or dc do, it's worth a chat with gp. Certainly among my group of mum friends there are at least a quarter who had/have such horrible thoughts as well. They have lessened as dc have got older (they are five now).

Dogsmom · 08/12/2015 22:30

I had pnd with dd1 so it's a bit of a blur but I do think the step from 1 to 2 children is much harder than 0 to 1.
I didn't get pnd with dd2 but I found it much more difficult finding time to look after a baby with a toddler around.
With the first at least you get a break while they're asleep but with two there's usually one awake who you have to try and keep quiet to avoid waking the other it's also more than twice as difficult to simply pop to the shop.
I also found myself more isolated as it was too much hassle to go to toddler groups with a baby who had to either be held or lie on a mat and one running around.

On the plus side though I think you worry less and don't tend to overprotect them, dd2 is 9 months and much more sturdy than dd1 was, she's also much more mobile as she's had to learn to get around to join in whereas dd1 was carried a lot.

BillBrysonsBeard · 08/12/2015 22:50

This is good to hear I have one baby and lived on the 6th floor when he was a newborn. I kept picturing people dropping him off the balcony! Not even accidentally, literally holding him over the edge and letting go. I am normal I promise! Hormones are crazy things.. Survival instinct cranked up to a zillion.

Haggisfish · 08/12/2015 23:11

God yes. Pil have a staircase that has open treads. I still fling myself awake trying to catch ds as he squeezed through them. Even though he has a massive head and it would get stuck!!

ReallyTired · 09/12/2015 00:30

Please ask mumsnet to edit your title, it's really offensive using the word "mental" as well as inaccurate. You might mean depression, anxiety, OCD or even postnatal psychosis, or baby blues. The answer to your question depends on what condition you are referring to.

If you were very ill you can ask your midwife for support or your health visitor if you still have a child under five. CBT can really help to keep anxiety under control. Some people find mindfulness helpful. If things get really bad then there is medication you can take while pregnant or breastfeeding.

PoorFannyRobin · 09/12/2015 01:05

Oh, yes! I was plagued by fears, tears, nightmares with 1st baby and was quite frightened by the experience -- felt that I was in another universe, to be quite honest. It seemed that 2nd baby just rolled in and joined our household, as if he'd always been there. So different!

Enjolrass · 09/12/2015 07:14

I was much calmer and chilled with my second.

They were nearly 8 years apart. So j put it down to the fact that I was older and more calm in general, I had an idea what I was facing and what I was doing.

I remember sitting with dd (my first) when she was about 3 days old, thinking 'why the fuck did anyone think I was responsible enough to look after this tiny person'

I felt completely thrown in at the deep end. All the preparation didn't prepare me.

My feeling with my second was that I had done it once, I could do it again.

Hormones may have come into it. But it could have just been that I had a bit more experience behind me.

Dameshazaba · 09/12/2015 11:31

Much calmer with number 2 . Blubbering wreck with number 1

Original poster

Flamingo1980 · 12/12/2015 08:54

Blimey so pretty much unanimous that baby number 2 is far easier!
Really interesting stories thank you for sharing. Made me think totally differently about a second!

OP posts:

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