To ask if you're less hormonally mental with your second born than your first?

[Flamingo1980]

Two of my friends have just had their second babies and say they feel much less crazy than when they had their first babies. My only child is two and when I had her I was so wrecked with hormones I just cried all the time and imagined people were going to harm her or she would just die for no reason.
It's really put me off having a second but now My friends are saying the mental-mum thoughts are not so bad the second time around.. What do you lot think....?

[littlefrenchonion]

This thread reminds me of the early days with DD1 (now 7mo) - I agree with another poster that it's a survival thing. I remember being scared of taking her near the closed window in case I tripped and sent her flying through the glass, I hated taking her down the stairs in case I dropped her and I had visions of tripping over and squashing her.

I felt just like a dog I once knew, who had a litter of puppies. The first week or so she was manically obsessed with them - you could see the panic in her eyes if they went out of her sight, bless her.

Thankfully it stopped after a while - glad to hear I might not go through that again with subsequent babies!

[Doublebubblebubble]

Also I went undiagnosed with pnd for dd Just made the diagnosis myself and told hv this pregnancy...

[Doublebubblebubble]

With my pfb DD 6 I couldn't do anything without her, didn't have a hot dinner for about 2 years, LITERALLY wouldn't let anyone hold her, ironed the curtains because I thought the hv would tell the ss and take her away. That went with time obviously. Roll on ds who is now 8 weeks. I feel entirely less overwhelmed. I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!! I accept the help I'm offered. I let him cry whilst I'm eating my dinner etc. Second time round is most definitely (imho) better x

[scaevola]

Whether the thread title needs editing depends on whether OP actually means MH issues.

Because it really does depend on the diagnosis. There is a strong possibility that some conditions will not only recur, but may do come back considerably worse. Those who are "mental" enough to require admission to a specialist using, for example, for post-natal psychosis, often do not go on to have further children because of the MH risks involved in subsequent pregnancies.

PTSD requires specialist intervention, and if linked to childbirth may well recur if not treated effectively in the interim, and may recur despite that.

PND may well worsen with each pregnancy.

[LonelySatsuma]

I was a totally different person after having DC2, so much happier and more relaxed than I had been after DC1, but I agree with pp - not sure its hormones, more that its not such an enormous shock to the system and that you feel more confident and so more relaxed about things. There is none of the PFB angst, basically

For me, it was also linked to my birth experience, though - traumatic with DC1, a doddle with DC2 - and to sleep deprivation - DC1 was a rubbish sleeper, DC2 slept like a dream.

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

I was worse with DC2 as neither of them slept well. He was (is) a Velcro baby and I felt terribly guilty about not giving DD what she needed. Money worries compounded it.

[Flamingo1980]

Blimey so pretty much unanimous that baby number 2 is far easier!
Really interesting stories thank you for sharing. Made me think totally differently about a second!

[Dameshazaba]

Much calmer with number 2 . Blubbering wreck with number 1

[Enjolrass]

I was much calmer and chilled with my second.

They were nearly 8 years apart. So j put it down to the fact that I was older and more calm in general, I had an idea what I was facing and what I was doing.

I remember sitting with dd (my first) when she was about 3 days old, thinking 'why the fuck did anyone think I was responsible enough to look after this tiny person'

I felt completely thrown in at the deep end. All the preparation didn't prepare me.

My feeling with my second was that I had done it once, I could do it again.

Hormones may have come into it. But it could have just been that I had a bit more experience behind me.

[PoorFannyRobin]

Oh, yes! I was plagued by fears, tears, nightmares with 1st baby and was quite frightened by the experience -- felt that I was in another universe, to be quite honest. It seemed that 2nd baby just rolled in and joined our household, as if he'd always been there. So different!

[ReallyTired]

Please ask mumsnet to edit your title, it's really offensive using the word "mental" as well as inaccurate. You might mean depression, anxiety, OCD or even postnatal psychosis, or baby blues. The answer to your question depends on what condition you are referring to.

If you were very ill you can ask your midwife for support or your health visitor if you still have a child under five. CBT can really help to keep anxiety under control. Some people find mindfulness helpful. If things get really bad then there is medication you can take while pregnant or breastfeeding.

[Haggisfish]

God yes. Pil have a staircase that has open treads. I still fling myself awake trying to catch ds as he squeezed through them. Even though he has a massive head and it would get stuck!!

[BillBrysonsBeard]

This is good to hear I have one baby and lived on the 6th floor when he was a newborn. I kept picturing people dropping him off the balcony! Not even accidentally, literally holding him over the edge and letting go. I am normal I promise! Hormones are crazy things.. Survival instinct cranked up to a zillion.

[Dogsmom]

I had pnd with dd1 so it's a bit of a blur but I do think the step from 1 to 2 children is much harder than 0 to 1.
I didn't get pnd with dd2 but I found it much more difficult finding time to look after a baby with a toddler around.
With the first at least you get a break while they're asleep but with two there's usually one awake who you have to try and keep quiet to avoid waking the other it's also more than twice as difficult to simply pop to the shop.
I also found myself more isolated as it was too much hassle to go to toddler groups with a baby who had to either be held or lie on a mat and one running around.

On the plus side though I think you worry less and don't tend to overprotect them, dd2 is 9 months and much more sturdy than dd1 was, she's also much more mobile as she's had to learn to get around to join in whereas dd1 was carried a lot.

[Haggisfish]

I think mental mum thoughts are quite normal, actually. If they start to actually affect your life, or what you or dc do, it's worth a chat with gp. Certainly among my group of mum friends there are at least a quarter who had/have such horrible thoughts as well. They have lessened as dc have got older (they are five now).

[XiCi]

Mental mum thoughts? Honestly have no experience of this at all. And as far as I know neither have any of my friends or family. Sounds like you may have had PND which is not something that affects all first time mums.

[Ihatechoosingnames]

I was completely traumatised by my first birth ending in EMCS and my son was quite difficult - colicky and did not sleep. I felt like I was losing my mind. I was so anxious, neurotic and terrified.

He's now 2, just had DD and feel much more relaxed. But this time I had a beautiful ELCS and she is the world's easiest baby. Plus I feel so much more confident with her. I have been diagnosed with PND recently (she is 7 weeks) but I am nowhere near the scary crazy I felt last time, just down and anxious rather than traumatised and near a breakdown this time.

[BarbarianMum]

Much calmer w ds2. Just as well because we moved 3 weeks after he was born, then had a major health scare with him bw 6 weeks and 4 months. It was pretty awful but if it had been ds1 I honestly think I'd have had a breakdown (no hyperbole).

[Haggisfish]

I was fine after second and utterly traumatised by first. Definitely easier second time round.

[sandylion]

I think you have more perspective with no.2. You certainly have more confidence. I had my blip at 5 days post delivery but nothing like the sobbing into a towel I did with DD1!

I have a nearly 4 yo DD and a 4 month old son and loving every minute with him. I won't let myself become stressed and anxious the way I did with number 1!

[Strangertides1]

For me yes. The second time around was much less hormonal, I don't think I cried for any reason than pure relief and proud mummy moments, staring at his beautiful face. The first time was simply awful with the crying and thoughts of giving ds1 away cos it was too hard. I think it was mainly due to sleep deprivation and not having a clue what to do as well as hormones. Second time around I was still use to the lack of sleep (ds1 his now nearly four and starting sleeping through at 3 years). Ds2 is nearly two and sleeps through but I have to get up about 3/4am to do a nappy change otherwise he's soaked and up at 6am. Anyway pg with third and final so ds2 must of been a hell of a lot easier.

[AlpacaLypse]

I'm not properly qualified to comment, as dd2 arrived eleven minutes after dd1, so I had to get used to having two children simultaneously.

However, as we've all grown up together as families, I've noticed that all my friends who had their children in separate pregnancies rather than in twin pairs were markedly better at it with the second (and subsequent, because two of us had three in the end and another one had four and another has got terribly into this motherhood thing and is working hard on no.5).

I'm currently spending a lot of time with a friend who's just had her second, she is so much more chilled and relaxed, and consequently so is her baby and everyone else in the household, than she was with her first. She and we all agree this is more about her having experienced it and therefore not being frightened than because her second child is intrinsically calmer and more chilled that the first.

[TimeToMuskUp]

Yes, I was far, far more stable with DS2 than with DS1. I just adapted better.

I think with your first nothing you can do prepares you for the life-changing-sheer-terrifying-ness of it all. I remember coming home with DS1 and being a bit scared that I wasn't qualified to do anything. With DS2 I don't think I ever had those moments; it was second nature by that point. And so I was less mental because I knew what I was doing.

[weeblueberry]

Yep I was far less neurotic with the second. Practically horizontal compared to the first. But then my life hadn't just flipped upside down and I was used to my entire self feeling like it was dedicated to someone else.