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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fed up of this

142 replies

ginandjuice · 07/12/2015 09:26

This will probably make me sound like an unreasonable but I've had enough. So has dh.
Dh has a ds and a dd. And they are always ill. Always. Never a day goes by that they don't phone and tell us they were off school with x y z.
His dd (14) has missed almost a whole year of school with these sick days combined. Most of the time it is a common cold they have and would be fine to go into school but their mum (dh exw) exaggerates the cold so that it becomes a virus or a chest infection.
Dh left ex w because she pretended to be very sick, but he caught her out one day. She has form for
being dramatic, if I had a friend like that I would get so bored of
All the drama very quickly.
Everybody is fed up hearing about their illnesses, even their grandparents. Ex w is always telling people about how they had to rush to a and e because "ds had a migraine". This has happened several times.
Dh and I are the type people that unless your arm falls off, you go into work. It frustrates him that his two children are missing so much school for what is essentially a cold.
I must also point out that they are both absolutely 100% fine when they stay with us. They stay EOW
sometimes more and I have NEVER seen either of them ill.
Dh exw will post pictures of them
At the weekend all having loads
Of fun, at theme parks, water fights outside in the summer etc, then on the Monday they are "very ill" and won't make it into school..
Dh and I no longer pander to it and Dh phoned then and told them they need to get their acts together. They both want to go to uni (ds applies next year) but we both Doubt that they will have been in school enough to pass their exams never mind do well Enough to get accepted by a university.
Sorry this is more of a wwyd.. Dh and I are both worried that the kids will not achieve what they want due to all of this drama.

OP posts:
SummerNights1986 · 07/12/2015 11:57

Summer, a bit of ASD is not something any professional would diagnose. Mild, moderate or severe are words used, never "a bit". It's just not language that would be used

I agree. They'd say you have mild ASD, mild depression, mild OCD.

But it IS just semantics. The literal meaning of 'a bit' and 'mild' is the roughly the same. I DID have a bit of depression. You have a bit of ASD.

Claiming someone has a little bit of a condition is very offensive to those whose lives are limited by these debilitating conditions

IMO someone who has a bit of depression is the same as saying someone has mild depression. Just different terminology. But perfectly possible. And not offensive at all, unless you choose to be offended.

stairbears · 07/12/2015 11:59

They are her family Elendon FFS.

OP - for whatever reason you describe your dsd's response to the birth of your ds as "Waaah! I'm poorly, come and love me!" Which is unsurprising given her mother's behaviour.

I'd support my partner in finding ways to build up the children's sense of self esteem, confidence, communication skills - do they talk about their feelings?

Anyway, you asked wwyd.

Elendon · 07/12/2015 11:59

Actually they don't have a step 'mummy'. Their father has a new partner. She doesn't have children and she doesn't interfere in any way whatsoever. I've never met her, the children have, on occasions. She is civil and respectful and they are to her. I keep my nose out of their lives, she keeps her nose out of mine.

lunar1 · 07/12/2015 11:59

Has you dh looked into residency? His children don't have much school left, maybe if he gets them more often something can be salvaged from their schooling.

GreenPotato · 07/12/2015 12:00

It's totally normal for stepchildren and their wellbeing to be a concern for a step-parent. It may impact her family life, it may impact her DH's happiness, or she may just care about the kids. Or all three.

It's a difficult situation, and OP said she was fed up with it - that's perfectly reasonable. Having a step family is difficult, just read a million threads on here. If she had no interest in or care for her DSC she'd get a pasting for that too.

ImperialBlether · 07/12/2015 12:03

How old is the child who's hoping to go to university soon but is running and jumping around the place?

wheelofapps · 07/12/2015 12:05

GreenPotato - thanks for clarifying what your Professional said.

I get that you can have 'a bit of / mild' condition or more serious affects.
I also didn't say I was offended by how a person might describe their own traits or illness.

But, when describing other people I think it is far too easy for people to segue from describing a personality trait: eg: 'ooh, she's such a moaning myrtle re illness, isn't she' to describing a mental illness: 'ooh, she's a bit of a Munchie, isn't she?' always in a perjorative way.

Original poster
ginandjuice · 07/12/2015 12:06

Well I am their fathers wife. So I am their stepmum.
And rightly or wrongly both their father AND their mother include me
in their upbringing.
To give ex w her due she has made ds's birth a positive thing, bought the kids little gifts to give him, always refers to him as their brother never half brother, she generally makes a fuss over him I think that has made it easier for the dsc to bond with him.
Slightly side tracked there but just wanted to show their is no animosity between me and Dh ew w or
Dh and ex w.
But everyone who knows Dh ex w agrees that she seems to enjoy being ill, or the kids being ill.. It's not just me and Dh who notice it.

OP posts:
SSargassoSea · 07/12/2015 12:07

So many C H I P S on shoulders on step parenting threads - that should point out how hard it is to get right - at least the OP is trying.

Original poster
ginandjuice · 07/12/2015 12:08

*lunar they would have to change school, Dh works 6-3ish most days and I don't drive (taking lessons).
We live 45-50 mins from the dsc school.

OP posts:
ouryve · 07/12/2015 12:08

Elendon - it's irrelevant to this thread, anyhow, but "high functioning" autism and Asperger's are not completely interchangeable. There is no language delay in Asperger's.

I have a DS who is not high functioning and is currently in mainstream school. My "high functioning" boy is not in mainstream.

Back to the topic of your thread, telling OP that her stepchildren, who she looks after some of the time, are none of her concern is bang out of order. Or do you routinely sitting back and doing nothing when someone you care for is struggling?

ouryve · 07/12/2015 12:08

routinely advocate...

BertPuttocks · 07/12/2015 12:10

"And they are always ill. Always. Never a day goes by that they don't phone and tell us they were off school with x y z."

"Obviously they are not off every single day but it feels like they are ill at least once a fortnight(not always off school but complaining of a sore this or a sore that) it's draining."

So we've gone from always ill and never a day goes by that they don't tell you that they were off school, through to them being ill one a fortnight but not necessarily off school.

So your OP was an exaggeration? Confused

Elendon · 07/12/2015 12:10

I have a son with high functioning autism who has never achieved 100% attendance in school. It's just a fact, it's ongoing and actually, new strategies, and him getting older and wiser has meant he's attending school better than ever now, fingers crossed.

If his dad's partner (which is how they prefer her to be described), ever interfered in this, I would be seriously pissed off, but I know she won't.

Our son is our concern - as is our other children.

She may well advise him how to cope, that's the point of a loving relationship after all, supporting your partner.

Gin, I advise you to support your husband and tell him what you feel. He is the one who has to act on behalf of his children.

Elendon · 07/12/2015 12:12

Ouryve That was the point I was making.

Asperger's is now ASD, there is no language delay (I have a nephew with Aspergers).

ouryve · 07/12/2015 12:14

I'm guessing, elendon that your ex's partner and your kids never live with your ex at the same time, in which case the situations are not comparable.

OP is already very much involved in her DSC's lives by dint of being married to and living with their father.

Original poster
ginandjuice · 07/12/2015 12:16

elendon if that relationship works for you, that's great.
However I am close with dsc, and that works for us.

OP posts:
GreenPotato · 07/12/2015 12:18

Also Elendon presumably you take good care of your son like most parents. But if a parent has a problem where they are encouraging/wanting their DC to be ill, and that's impacting the DC, it's reasonable for those around them/in partial care of them to be concerned and want to do something about it. Just as a teacher, youth leader etc would have those concerns. Being a step parent doesn't mean your one and only duty is to butt out. Of course you should not overstep the mark, and I know some step parents do, but being concerned and finding something difficult is fair enough.

Elendon · 07/12/2015 12:20

You might well guess or you could read my posts. Our youngest son is mainly resident with me. However, he does spend time with his dad and his partner.

Who live together. Does marriage now trump living together?

gin you are not as close to them as their mum is and never can be. Your husband should be dealing with his own children.

Elendon · 07/12/2015 12:22

If it was a safeguarding issue you can be sure the school would be on to it.

It's obviously not.

Elendon · 07/12/2015 12:24

And it would be good if you could answer Bert.

Original poster
ginandjuice · 07/12/2015 12:25

elendon you sound really bitter. That's a shame. I love being close to my dsc, I love the fact his dsd gives me a wee card and small gift on Mother's Day, with no encouragement from either of her parents, reinforces that I am
Doing something right regarding being a stepmum.

OP posts:
GreenPotato · 07/12/2015 12:26

The school are onto it. Op said

Yup they have been flagged up by the school, they were threatening to get the welfare officer involved
and that there have been meetings at school about it.

ouryve · 07/12/2015 12:34

You might well guess or you could read my posts. Our youngest son is mainly resident with me. However, he does spend time with his dad and his partner.

Who live together. Does marriage now trump living together?

You did suggest hardly any involvement. Does she just sit back and avoid your DS while they're living in the same house, then? Would you not expect her to act kindly towards him if, say, he was upset about something or feeling unwell, or do you expect her to butt out 100% of the time? I would find that rather odd, to be honest.

Elendon · 07/12/2015 12:34

Bitter about what?

Anyway, you've lied before on this thread as evidenced from Bert above.

All children who fall below a certain attendance level are threatened that their parents will be in serious trouble. It's part of a strategy to get the child to understand that their behaviour has consequences. It works. Rarely, is it ever implemented.

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