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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be so fed up of this

142 replies

ginandjuice · 07/12/2015 09:26

This will probably make me sound like an unreasonable but I've had enough. So has dh.
Dh has a ds and a dd. And they are always ill. Always. Never a day goes by that they don't phone and tell us they were off school with x y z.
His dd (14) has missed almost a whole year of school with these sick days combined. Most of the time it is a common cold they have and would be fine to go into school but their mum (dh exw) exaggerates the cold so that it becomes a virus or a chest infection.
Dh left ex w because she pretended to be very sick, but he caught her out one day. She has form for
being dramatic, if I had a friend like that I would get so bored of
All the drama very quickly.
Everybody is fed up hearing about their illnesses, even their grandparents. Ex w is always telling people about how they had to rush to a and e because "ds had a migraine". This has happened several times.
Dh and I are the type people that unless your arm falls off, you go into work. It frustrates him that his two children are missing so much school for what is essentially a cold.
I must also point out that they are both absolutely 100% fine when they stay with us. They stay EOW
sometimes more and I have NEVER seen either of them ill.
Dh exw will post pictures of them
At the weekend all having loads
Of fun, at theme parks, water fights outside in the summer etc, then on the Monday they are "very ill" and won't make it into school..
Dh and I no longer pander to it and Dh phoned then and told them they need to get their acts together. They both want to go to uni (ds applies next year) but we both Doubt that they will have been in school enough to pass their exams never mind do well Enough to get accepted by a university.
Sorry this is more of a wwyd.. Dh and I are both worried that the kids will not achieve what they want due to all of this drama.

OP posts:
EvaBING · 07/12/2015 10:40

I don't know that the neighbours had any form of munchausens. Just that school didn't seem to be a priority. And three sons shot themselves.

Draw your own conclusions.

stairbears · 07/12/2015 10:41

Obv we don't have the overview OP does, so a wide spectrum of responses is to be expected. OP didn't post about the mother's own fabricated illness for no reason

R0nJ0n · 07/12/2015 10:43

I agree with the people who had said it's a personality trait, not munchausens by proxy, that's something much more serious.

I don't know what to call it other than an overwhelming obsession with ill health, I know exactly what you mean about the glee. With my grandmother it was an absolute nightmare, you'd never dare admit to her that you were unwell, if I had a cold and sounded croaky I'd avoid answering the phone to her until I was better. If she knew I was ill I'd be getting twice daily phone calls to check on my health, if she knew I was going to work with a cold she'd be ringing me up literally begging me to stay at home as she knew it'd go to my chest and I'd get an infection. And yes, she believed in staying indoors if it was raining too, again if it'd been raining she'd ring me to ask if I'd got wet on my way to work, and then scold me for not staying at home.

Lweji · 07/12/2015 10:44

Why hasn't your oh ask for residency and assume responsibility over his own children if he thinks it's such a problem?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 07/12/2015 10:44

Eva completely random and completely irrelevant. Nice way to try and hype up a thread though. Hmm

stairbears · 07/12/2015 10:47

OP, what you describe as the mother being 'dramatic' could be a mental health issue. Your DP could also arrange a consultation with his own GP for advice, if he didn't want to approach the ewo or ss.

ginandjuice · 07/12/2015 10:47

Lweji yeah because it's that simple to do that..

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/12/2015 10:48

It's not simple to get, but he can certainly ask. Has he?

Lweji · 07/12/2015 10:49

The mother does have residency. Surely that's just as hard for her as for your oh.

stairbears · 07/12/2015 10:49

Why the sarcasm?

Lweji · 07/12/2015 10:50

If you are to complain, then be prepared to step up, don't just demand it of the resident parent.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 07/12/2015 10:54

Why the sarcasm? - because she is sarcastic when defensive (like a lot of people). What a strange thing to nitpick at.

Oswin · 07/12/2015 10:56

I've just figured it out and if the dsd has over ten years had the equivalent of a school year of that's 190 days which is 19 days a year. Which doesn't seem that worrying.

stairbears · 07/12/2015 10:58

Not nitpicking. Genuine query as to why the OP seems to be dismissing the idea that if the exw is mentally unwell, or just crap, the dad may have to fight for more responsibility.

SummerNights1986 · 07/12/2015 10:58

Summer, your family friend sounds very anxious, which is not "a bit of munchausen's". That's like saying someone is a bit OCD

Any mental illness can be experienced to a different degree. And many mental illnesses begin slow-burn and get more severe as time goes on. So by that definition, I do believe that it's as possible to suffer 'a bit' with OCD as it is to suffer 'a lot' with OCD.

MSBP is a behaviour pattern in which a caregiver fabricates, exaggerates, or induces mental or physical health problems in those who are in their care, usually to gain attention or sympathy from others

Sounds like the mum in the op's scenario to me. MBP isn't just one level where the perpetrator feeds the kids rat poison to induce illness. It covers a broad spectrum of abnormal behaviour, which at the lower levels would be just fabricating or exaggerating health issues.

wheelofapps · 07/12/2015 11:01

sarah I DID suggest that the Father speaks to School to check facts and see what support is being offered to the Children with attendance.

More useful than dx'ing the mother with 'Munchausen's' via the interweb!

diddl · 07/12/2015 11:03

So can the kids not get themselves to school then?

They seem too old to be missing school just because mummy says so.

Presumably your husband is too far away to get them to school also?

stairbears · 07/12/2015 11:03

OP, please clarify how much time off school the children have had in the past term?

stairbears · 07/12/2015 11:04

And their ages?

Oswin · 07/12/2015 11:06

More mumsnet diagnosis? Really 19 days is not that bad. Calm down people.
You say everytime you see them they are fine. Well four nights a month is not really gonna give you any idea about there health.

GreenPotato · 07/12/2015 11:07

It sounds as if the kids are not ill. They are OK with their dad/OP and they have fun with their mum at weekends too. Plus it would be odd for them both to be cast down by this level of illness on weekdays only.

My mum is a bit like this, I wouldn't go so far as to say Munchhausen's, but she likes it when people are ill and tries to tell them they are ill when they aren't. As children we would be rewarded for being ill and she would make a massive thing of it. After her divorce when she only had my youngest sibling at home, my sibling had "ME" and I'm convinced it wasn't - it was my mum's brainwashing and need to control my sibling and keep them at home. She also has endless ailments herself that come to nothing.

I'd imagine these kids have grown up with this and it's become part of their routine and how they keep their mum happy. Because it's massively affecting their lives and education, DH needs to go to school and talk to them, get SS involved as necessary, and get help for the mum or look at getting residency.

Also these kids are teenagers, they must have an opinion on what's going on and where they want to be? Can he talk to them about it?

PhilPhilConnors · 07/12/2015 11:08

I disagree summer. Claiming someone has a little bit of a condition is very offensive to those whose lives are limited by these debilitating conditions.
Like people who claim we're all on the autistic spectrum. Completely minimises what people have to deal with.

contrary13 · 07/12/2015 11:09

I have a friend who sounds very like the ex-wife in terms of insisting that her children are constantly ill. Her ex-husband, who I'm also friends with, divorced her because of it and she constantly moans that he thinks she's a fantasist. But so far, in the last decade, she's claimed to have cancer (two different types which suddenly, miraculously went into remission), ADHD, Aspergers, bipolar type 1, gangrene... and every single virus going around. Her children (one with ex-, two with her new partner) have variously been "diagnosed" with asthma, autism, deafness, various life-threatening food intolerances/allergies, ADHD, that one where they don't listen to being told what to do and when to do it... oppositional something disorder, selective mutism... and every virus going around. Her latest thing is that her middle child has Tourettes Syndrome - which he was referred for, saw a consultant, and was diagnosed within days! She also boasts about buying dangerous medications from America, when her GP won't prescribe them to her willy-nilly. Her partner is seemingly oblivious, rarely at home, and is a lot younger than she is. She genuinely loves her children, or seems to at least, and she really does have some good qualities. It's just that those of us who have known her since we were all kids, really don't believe, or trust a word that comes out of her mouth. At all.

I've known this friend for years, ever since we were at primary school together. She has always been an attention seeker, and I think she realised that if she claimed to be desperately ill... she'd get the attention that she wanted. Most of us gritted our teeth and put up with it, until she started to involve her children (actually, two of whom are miracle babies, given that if she'd the types of cancer she claimed to have, and been receiving the treatment she was claiming to, they'd have been born hideously deformed in various ways - they're not!). A few of us became concerned enough to ask her mother, a few years ago, how we could support her through her cancer disgnosis/treatment, only for her mother to tell us that there was nothing wrong with her, she's a pathological liar, and they're more than aware of her habits.

Knowing how long it takes for a child to receive any sort of diagnosis (my son genuinely has Aspergers, and, incidentally, also suffers from migraines following a head injury a few years ago, which yes: can lead to hospitalisation... our longest stay was 4 days with one of his, and he's missed a fair chunk of school - but he has a clinical diagnosis, and is actually undergoing investigation into how to stop him from getting them. If your DSS is having them frequently, and is being constantly hospitalised with them, then he ought to have been referred on for not only a diagnosis, but also investigation into them), the fact that my friend was able to get them within a matter of weeks, if not days, was our first clue that she was lying - or, as her ex-husband puts it, "fantasising". We're all desperately worried about her, and - perhaps more importantly - the effect she's having upon her children, but have no clue what to do about it. Other than refer her to SS, which we're somewhat loathe to do (her children are all loved, and otherwise well cared for... it's just that she claims illness, after disease, after diagnosis for them!) And yet, in hindsight, she was always the one in our group who had weird and wonderful things happening to her outside of our sphere - gorgeous, loaded boyfriends when she was 13, for example, who'd whisk her off on dates... when she was actually sat in the church choir with at least one of us in the congregation and aware she was there, or the time when she was asked to work as a manager in her work experience company, because only she was smart enough to run the place... at 15. Her ex-husband, incidentally, has primary custody of their DC because of her issues with the truth.

So, OP, I get where you're coming from. Perhaps have your DH talk to his children's school? Because if their DM does have an issue, or a problem, it really does need to be dealt with for all of their sakes. If your DH's ex-wife is seeking attention, then perhaps the underlying cause needs to be identified, particularly if the children are genuinely missing so much school (my friend's children don't miss school, even with all their diagnosis' and illnesses!).

Dipankrispaneven · 07/12/2015 11:09

I have to admit I don't really understand what is happening. At one point OP says "Never a day goes by that they don't phone and tell us they were off school", the next she is saying that they're having around four to five weeks off per school year. Both statements can't be true.

GreenPotato · 07/12/2015 11:12

I think the thing with Munchhausen's, much like austism, is it's become something we are all now aware of and that's been portrayed on TV etc and has become well-known, so we're familiar with the concept. And I agree that things like this are on a sliding scale – you can be severely that way, or a bit that way. Quite a few people are a bit that way but might not meet the criteria for diagnosis, but non-professionals often feel they can insta-diagnose.

She may not have actual Munchhausen's but she has that tendency, I think is what it sounds like - much like my mum.