To be so fed up of this

[ginandjuice]

This will probably make me sound like an unreasonable but I've had enough. So has dh.
Dh has a ds and a dd. And they are always ill. Always. Never a day goes by that they don't phone and tell us they were off school with x y z.
His dd (14) has missed almost a whole year of school with these sick days combined. Most of the time it is a common cold they have and would be fine to go into school but their mum (dh exw) exaggerates the cold so that it becomes a virus or a chest infection.
Dh left ex w because she pretended to be very sick, but he caught her out one day. She has form for
being dramatic, if I had a friend like that I would get so bored of
All the drama very quickly.
Everybody is fed up hearing about their illnesses, even their grandparents. Ex w is always telling people about how they had to rush to a and e because "ds had a migraine". This has happened several times.
Dh and I are the type people that unless your arm falls off, you go into work. It frustrates him that his two children are missing so much school for what is essentially a cold.
I must also point out that they are both absolutely 100% fine when they stay with us. They stay EOW
sometimes more and I have NEVER seen either of them ill.
Dh exw will post pictures of them
At the weekend all having loads
Of fun, at theme parks, water fights outside in the summer etc, then on the Monday they are "very ill" and won't make it into school..
Dh and I no longer pander to it and Dh phoned then and told them they need to get their acts together. They both want to go to uni (ds applies next year) but we both Doubt that they will have been in school enough to pass their exams never mind do well Enough to get accepted by a university.
Sorry this is more of a wwyd.. Dh and I are both worried that the kids will not achieve what they want due to all of this drama.

Most of the time it is a common cold they have and would be fine to go into school but their mum (dh exw) exaggerates the cold so that it becomes a virus or a chest infection.

the common cold is caused by a virus.

wheelofapps I didn't diagnose the mother. I talked about someone I know and an actual case of Munchausen's.

Claiming someone has a little bit of a condition is very offensive to those whose lives are limited by these debilitating conditions.
Like people who claim we're all on the autistic spectrum. Completely minimises what people have to deal with.

Well to start with those two things aren't the same. Saying you have a condition "a bit" is not the same as saying everyone's on that spectrum, at all.

Plus I don't see why saying you have a condition "a bit" is offensive. I have ASD "a bit", in other words it's very mild and I've learned to deal with it relatively well. (And that's a professional opinion, not self-diagnosed) Why is that offensive just because someone else may have it very severely?

Nobody has diagnosed. Nobody has said she definitely has such & such, but perhaps the possibility can be considered by the OP and the dad, and either get further support from professionals, or they can reject the theory and do something else.

Obviously they are not off every single day but it feels like they are ill at least once a fortnight(not always off school but complaining of a sore this or a sore that) it's draining.
When I was in labour with ds, dsd started phoning Dh at the hospital telling him she was really sick and he had to come see her.. That really made me suspicious. The fact that she was fine, texting away happy until Dh told them that I had finally gone into labour and then she was like "I'm really ill actually mum says I might need to go to hospital to get checked". That was definately a cry for attention. Obviously Dh explained he wasn't leaving me and was very firm about it and she made a miraculous recovery.
The first day we all went out for a meal when ds was about a week old, dsd complained the entire time she felt sick and started crying. It was awful.
As soon as we got home and there was nobody fussing over newborn
Ds she was fine.

Disappointed don't make me feel daft haha

sarah

I think it is helpful to advise the OP what the Father might try, rather than to speculate on the Mother's mental health in general on the thread.

I see we both suggested that the Father has an initial meeting with school, which he should be able to arrange quickly and easily?

It's too easy for people to say: 'oh, a bit of MbyP, a touch of Autism' forgetting that these are serious conditions, requiring specialist dx.

GreenPotato - did your Professional actually diagnose 'a bit' of ASD, in those words? I have never heard of that? (not doubting you, just never heard of it?).

Why are you so involved with the ex of your partner?

You sound like a drama queen. Move on and let her and her and your partner's children get on with it.

Concentrate on what you have.

It's the wording I think, and that it's usually used against people to minimise true difficulties.
I have mild ASD, (like you, professional opinion not self-diagnosed), and would never say I have a bit of autism (which bit? Which part of me is affected? A bit to me is a dismissive way of putting it)
There is a sliding scale, but when someone is described as "a bit OCD" it's usually following one of those online quizzes where you have to spot the tile set slightly wrong, or because you clean your bathroom every day. Or people saying they are "on the spectrum" because they didn't enjoy going out last Saturday. My oldest has OCD and it can rule his life. My 10 yr old has ASD, it rules his and our lives.
I think the thing about people is there is often a need to exaggerate everything - people will call in sick because they have flu, when it's a cold, and like the op, the dc are off every day when they're not.
It all clouds the issue.

IMO munchausen's should never be accused without absolute evidence, as it is so serious, and certainly never online when we simply don't have the unbiased input to allow us to make that judgement. . Health anxiety and being a bit gleeful over illness doesn't not make someone a munchausen's sufferer.

In the op's case, 19 days off, whilst not ideal, is not as dreadful as every day off. All parents and school need to work together to sort this, but please don't start chucking around serious diagnoses around.

Elendon when they stay here they are my concern.
I actually get on really well with Dh ex w but this whole fake illness thing concerns me.

I disagree summer. Claiming someone has a little bit of a condition is very offensive to those whose lives are limited by these debilitating conditions

And I disagree with that.

You can have a stomach bug and vomit once, then be fine. Or you could have the same bug and be unable to keep down water for a week.

You can have a cold that you just carry on with. Or you can have the same cold virus and be layed up for three days with temperature, nausea and weakness.

You can have depression and be unable to get out of bed, with constant suicidal thoughts. Or you can have depression and manage to basically function, but no more than the basics.

You can have OCD and be unable to leave a room without flipping a switch 39 times. Or you can have OCD and be unable to leave a room without flipping a switch twice.

YES it IS possible to have 'a bit' of a condition as opposed to 'a lot' of a condition.

I would class my pnd as 'mild' (as did my GP). Which you could choose to call 'a little bit of PND' if you want to minimise it.

No, I wasn't suicidal or having dangerous thoughts about harming my baby so I clearly wasn't as debilitated as many who suffer really horrific PND and literally cannot function.

But I was debilitated. It did affect my life (and dh's and dc's). In so many ways that I won't bore you with. For a good 6 months or so.

And if you told me that I had no right to call my illness PND just because my experience wasn't quite as bad as (hypothetically) yours, i'd tell you to go fuck yourself.

Right, so they're not off school most days and you can probably assist with their school work yourselves or with tutoring. Good.

But you're all fed up of that household's culture of exaggerated illness, or perhaps anxiety manifesting itself as such in the case of your dad.

WWID? Support my partner in making sure their school work is on track and that they are working well towards achieving their goals. I would also talk to them directly about the mind - body connection, positive thinking, self-esteem, and possibly engage some outside help with this, e.g. a child-friendly therapist qualified in CBT and / or hypnotherapy. Look at love bombing. But that's just

Not dad - dsd

We have next door neighbours like this, its ridicolous! they are at the doctors and a&e for no reason, ive heard bare faced lies coming out the mothers mouth like the daughter has had a cough for 4 weeks so they get her an emergency appointment yet the daughter has only had a couh for a day, i dread to think how much it costs the tax payers when you get people that take the mick like this.

'A bit of' and 'mild' is essentially the same meaning though.

If you want to be derogatory then you can use 'a bit of' terminology.

You have mild ASD. Which is fine for you to say. Acceptable. But if you said 'A bit of' then it's asking for people to accuse you of over-egging the pudding and minimising those with true ASD that actually suffer.

The literal meaning is the same though. You do, in fact, have 'a bit of' ASD. Because if you had 'a lot of' ASD then you'd be much more debilitated than you are.

I find that the DM's of DCs being kept off school were off a lot themselves and/or did badly at school.

Why for some reason they then encourage the same for their DCs I've no idea, unless just learned behaviour from their own DPs.

Such a shame. The DCs take a long time to make a go of their lives. The lack of education holding them back for years.

I would seek tuition for them in say, Maths, English and any other subject they might want to take in higher education.

GreenPotato - did your Professional actually diagnose 'a bit' of ASD, in those words? I have never heard of that? (not doubting you, just never heard of it?).

No she said she thinks I have it, it's probably mild and I could ask for an official diagnosis if I wanted. So no she didn't say "a bit" but then a professional wouldn't would they! What I'm saying is, it's normal colloquial usage to say something like "a bit OCD" "a bit depressed" "a bit Aspergers" and I really don't see why that's offensive. It's perfectly accurate for many people. Why does the fact that some people have severee versions mean it's not OK to have it a bit?

If I have a bit of eczema, that's not offensive to someone who has severe eczema is it? If I have sprained my ankle a bit, that's not offensive to someone who has lost their leg.

Obviously, if someone uses a phrase like "a bit OCD" or "a bit depressed" when they are actually not at all, they are just tidy, or bummed out over a bad day for example, I can understand taking offence at that I suppose.

Why are her children your concern?

You get on well?

Dh left ex w because she pretended to be very sick, but he caught her out one day. She has form for being dramatic, if I had a friend like that I would get so bored of All the drama very quickly.

Get over yourself and concentrate on your own family and not someone's else's children. They are not yours.

Summer, a bit of ASD is not something any professional would diagnose. Mild, moderate or severe are words used, never "a bit".
It's just not language that would be used.
It's also not comparable to a cold or a tummy bug, as they are brief transient illnesses that do not debilitate or require certain strategies to get through life, or therapy or lengthy treatment to live with it.
Maybe down to semantics, but I've never heard anyone describe themselves as having "a bit" of a mental illness, ever, unless like I said, it's being said in a minimising, dismissive way.

Anyway, that's all distracting from the subject of the thread.

Elendon they are my step kids so your post makes no sense. Or should I just ignore them when they come to stay and stop "concentrating on them"?

Gonna guess your own dc have a
Step mummy and its left you bitter. Get over
Iy

Oswin - 19 school days is the best part of a calendar month off.

Elendon what an awful thing to say.

Oh and for the benefit of doubt there is no professional Educational Psychologist or Paediatric Consultant who would say mild.

It's high functioning Autism (lack of language development or developmental behavioural problems presenting later - later formerly Aspergers)

Don't underestimate high functioning Autism. It severely impacts on a child's ability to interact socially and educationally. It requires extra intervention the earlier the better to achieve a modicum of success to integrate successfully into life.

Autism can also be moderate and severe. Children with this diagnosis do not go to mainstream school and need special care throughout their lives.

Over it