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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fed up of this

142 replies

ginandjuice · 07/12/2015 09:26

This will probably make me sound like an unreasonable but I've had enough. So has dh.
Dh has a ds and a dd. And they are always ill. Always. Never a day goes by that they don't phone and tell us they were off school with x y z.
His dd (14) has missed almost a whole year of school with these sick days combined. Most of the time it is a common cold they have and would be fine to go into school but their mum (dh exw) exaggerates the cold so that it becomes a virus or a chest infection.
Dh left ex w because she pretended to be very sick, but he caught her out one day. She has form for
being dramatic, if I had a friend like that I would get so bored of
All the drama very quickly.
Everybody is fed up hearing about their illnesses, even their grandparents. Ex w is always telling people about how they had to rush to a and e because "ds had a migraine". This has happened several times.
Dh and I are the type people that unless your arm falls off, you go into work. It frustrates him that his two children are missing so much school for what is essentially a cold.
I must also point out that they are both absolutely 100% fine when they stay with us. They stay EOW
sometimes more and I have NEVER seen either of them ill.
Dh exw will post pictures of them
At the weekend all having loads
Of fun, at theme parks, water fights outside in the summer etc, then on the Monday they are "very ill" and won't make it into school..
Dh and I no longer pander to it and Dh phoned then and told them they need to get their acts together. They both want to go to uni (ds applies next year) but we both Doubt that they will have been in school enough to pass their exams never mind do well Enough to get accepted by a university.
Sorry this is more of a wwyd.. Dh and I are both worried that the kids will not achieve what they want due to all of this drama.

OP posts:
Handywoman · 07/12/2015 10:08

Not really. Pressing 'report' didn't take me long!!!

Original poster
ginandjuice · 07/12/2015 10:09

Thank you SunmerNights you seem to understand what I am saying, or that she had missed the equivalent over all her years at school, not that she has missed a whole year! Iyswim.

OP posts:
Original poster
ginandjuice · 07/12/2015 10:10

Sorry my typing is crap cus I am using my left hand while I feed ds

OP posts:
SummerNights1986 · 07/12/2015 10:10

I agree with the op Handy

Why on Earth would you report this?

You feel it's 'a bit far fetched'? Oh deary me. Call the sheriff, please, and get me my smelling salts when you're at it Hmm

Boomingmarvellous · 07/12/2015 10:11

Gosh some weird responses here!

The problem is obviously very real and serious. The mother seems to have some serious issues with health and this is a mental illness which I can't spell and even iPad won't attempt

Your DH will have to get more involved with the school and social services. This is not a healthy atmosphere for children and not conducive to their mental health.

It may be that DH ends up with full custody but where they are is not good for them.

CocktailQueen · 07/12/2015 10:12

'dd is basically resitting her last year' - either she is or she isn't! What year is she in? What GCSE results has she/your dss got? If he's applying for uni next year, he's in his first year of sixth form? What GCSE results did he get?

Agree this all sounds very fishy. With absence rates like this, the school should definitely be heavily involved, and your dh needs to man up, contact the school, find out exactly what's happening, take more control and see what he can do to help the situation.

MrsGideon · 07/12/2015 10:14

I know people say that posting in AIBU will get you flamed no matter what, but SERIOUSLY GUYS. Would it kill you just to be supportive to the OP for once? She clearly cares a lot about her stepchildren, which is something a lot of step parents should aspire to, not look down on as being 'interfering'!

Bloody hell.

I second what stairbears said - it does sound like it could be Munchausen's by Proxy which is a very tricky thing to get around. The only things you and your DH can do is arrange a meeting with the school and speak to social services. Again, the people of Mumsnet seem to think that the moment you speak to SS, the children will automatically be taken from their mother - this is not the case! Sometimes it's good just to log the concern and get some advice.

KeepOnMoving1 · 07/12/2015 10:15

Sorry but there is no way, that she has missed almost an entire year of school and they have not done anything about it. Also if your dh has serious concerns about their mother should he not be taking this further??

BastardGoDarkly · 07/12/2015 10:17

Oh op, ignore the posters with nowt better to do than pick and pull you apart.

This must be really hard, she sounds like a hypochondriac at best, does she have other mh problems?

I think dh needs to get in touch with the school himself and maybe have them involve other agencies to encourage her to send the poor kids to school.

It's not just their academic future she's damaging but their mental health too probably.

PhilPhilConnors · 07/12/2015 10:17

My son's absence levels are down to 87% due to school refusal. We have had letters galore, have been told that he is 2 days off from being allocated a SW, I have had 4 meetings so far this term to try to sort this out.
He has been referred to a youth team, he has been referred for counselling.

What are school suggesting? There's no way with this level of absence, (unless they have some diagnosed SN and have arranged a limited timetable,) that school wouldn't be tackling this head on.

PhilPhilConnors · 07/12/2015 10:19

Bastard, I'm not trying to pick and pull apart, but I know from experience that this level of absence wouldn't be ignored.
Something must be happening from school's end, or these poor dc are not only being let down by their parents, but by school as well.

SummerNights1986 · 07/12/2015 10:20

Munchausens Booming?

Where you make up illnesses for you, or your dc, so that you get the...joy...of making it all better.

I think some people can have this sort of thing to various degrees. I have a family friend who is a bit like this...every time I see her, someone's illness gets brought up and simple illnesses get blown up to need time off work or school.

Her dd had to go to the Doctor because she had an awful rash and earache (said dd is bouncing around in the background looking as fit as a fiddle). She's had the most horrendous headache all morning. The baby is fussy and warm and must be sickening for something. Her next door neighbours Nephew's Cousins Dad has just been diagnosed with Cancer and Isn't It Awful.

It's wearing. She looks almost gleeful when talking about it, like she's discussing a fun subject.

PhilPhilConnors · 07/12/2015 10:23

Munchausen's is a very serious illness, and very rare, it's not a good idea to start bandying these diagnoses around when we only have the bare bones of information.

It's far, far more likely that the mother needs more support getting them to school.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 07/12/2015 10:24

Because, quite frankly, if the school is doing fuck all and their mum is doing fuck all and your dh can do fuck all then that's it.

Exactly! The op is pretty powerless to do anything if the parents and the school can't be bothered.

EvaBING · 07/12/2015 10:25

As a quite random (completely random) aside KLAXON

DM used to give a near neighbour a lift into school. One morning while waiting, he came out to tell us that his Mammy told him not to go to school as it was too wet.

That lad, his older brother and his younger brother all shot themselves. Within about 3 years. The one girl is still alive.

Why am I posting this? Don't fucking ask me. But it just seems relevant.

PhilPhilConnors · 07/12/2015 10:26

Summer, your family friend sounds very anxious, which is not "a bit of munchausen's".
That's like saying someone is a bit OCD Hmm

BastardGoDarkly · 07/12/2015 10:26

Random yes. Relevant nope.

saraht84 · 07/12/2015 10:27

I went to school with someone whose mother suffered from Munchausen's By Proxy. It wasn't just absence with her, it was endless pointless tests and hospital procedures. In the end she left during her A levels.

These days she's under the care of the local mental health team and struggles to cope.

You need to see if dh can get a meeting with the school. The absences and illnesses may seem innocuous now but they can have long lasting effects.

museumum · 07/12/2015 10:27

Your dh and his ex need to sit down and say 'how can we improve the children's attendance at school?'

Either the kids are horribly immune deficient. Or they're not going when they could (an attitude inherited from their mum). Either way, the children have to attend school more (or be educated away from school - tutored etc).

As a step-mum there's not a lot you can do but set a good example. Next time you have a cold when they're visiting talk about how you're going to rest on the sunday and then suck it up and work on monday anyway etc.

wheelofapps · 07/12/2015 10:30

My MIL is like this Summer - it can just be a personality trait, not necessarily diagnosable. Agree that it's wearing and unpleasant (the salacious glee...) though.

OP, if this is affecting your H then it is affecting you.

He needs to speak to school to check facts and to ask what support is being offered to the children with attendance.

Brightnorthernlights · 07/12/2015 10:30

Assuming therefore that the level of absence is as you describe, I think your DH needs to intervene. As a co parent I'm assuming he also attended the meetings? If not he needs to insist. It might well be the case that he needs to arrange meetings independently of the children's mother, to express his concerns & make a plan going forward. The question does need to be asked, mother aside, why do the children themselves not want to attend school regularly? Is it the influence of the mother or other reasons? Tell your DH not to give up & start researching his options, with the school on his side.

R0nJ0n · 07/12/2015 10:31

I lived this situation as a child, not with mother but with my grandmother, who looked after me while my single mother was working. My grandmother had both health anxiety and a love of the drama, sympathy and attention that came from being ill, or for caring for an ill child.

It had a huge negative impact on my education and I never went into higher education, just drifted around several jobs until I found something that stuck. I would be kept off school for a cold, then find it hard to return to school because of the amount of work and social interactions I'd missed, so then I'd fabricate an illness so I could be off again, which would set up a whole cycle of missed school. This was back in the days when attendance wasn't so much of an issue, and the school was willing to take my grandmother's word that I was a sickly child who needed time off.

I don't really know what to suggest to help though, I eventually found out the hard way that in real life people aren't tolerant of others who play sick at the merest sniffle. Do your step children realise that they're not sickly children who need copius time off school are are they so inluenced by their mother that they can't see the truth yet? It might be worth your DH having a chat about how they think their future is going to go if they keep this up, that no employee is going to put up with frequent absenteeism without a valid medical reason and that benefits are only paid out to those who can prove beyond any doubt that they're too unwell to work.

wheelofapps · 07/12/2015 10:33

x posts - tales of people ending up under mental health teams and shooting themselves due to 'parental Munchausen's' are hardly likely to help OP???

saraht84 · 07/12/2015 10:37

I'd say they're more helpful than people saying there's nothing she can do.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 07/12/2015 10:39

This place is weird at the moment. Parents are being told left, right and centre that nothing their kids do is any of their business and they just have to keep providing home environments and financial support, without being entitled to an opinion about anything!

Of course this affects the OP. She xares for her dsc and wants them to do well. She is putting herself out at weekends to help them catch up. I think that all you can do is get your dh to be more directly involved with the school and go for residency if he believes their mum isn't looking after them properly.

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