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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to.expect them to not take the piss with our money?

39 replies

BrushtheHeat · 06/12/2015 23:32

Please bear with me, this is a bit long! We lent sil and bil £1600. It was to help them with moving etc. They had to move from their rented house into another one because the landlord wanted to sell. Now, that's most of our savings and our plan is to buy my first car in the new year. Giving them this money limits our options re putting down a deposit but they said they were desperate.
When initially agreed over the phone bil assured us they would pay back £950 at the end of November (when their deposit was returned) and then £300 per month thereafter until debt was settled. Before the money was transferred he outlined the agreement in a text and suddenly the details had changed. From the above agreement to: Between £550 and £950 when their deposit was returned, and then £200 per month until repaid. Hmmm, ok not quite what was agreed we thought but I guess we could do that. They seemed so grateful and when we initially said yes, bil had said things like, you don't know how helpful this is, I was losing my hair etc etc. Sil (long history of sibling rivalry with her db, my dh) has never acknowledged the loan, or said thanks. She's quite proud and imo up her own arse and completely lacking in humility. But she's family, so meh.
We had a text a few days ago saying they could only pay us back the minimum, £550 initially as landlord was withholding a chunk of their deposit. Well, that's what was agreed, we have no problem with that...until dh other db mentions that he's been to their new house and they've bought another tv "To go in the new house." Their current tv works fine and is around 50inches, new one is bigger.
So question is: aibu to be pissed off that they're paying us back the bare minimum?
If you're still here then thanks for reading so much! Grin

OP posts:
GiddyOnZackHunt · 06/12/2015 23:34

Yanbu.

ImperialBlether · 06/12/2015 23:34

I would be livid! What the hell can they say in their defence?

BitchPeas · 06/12/2015 23:35

Yes they are abosolutly taking the piss. If they bought it with cash. There's a chance they bought it on finance though! And you did agree to £550. Ohhhh it's a hard one.

RJnomore1 · 06/12/2015 23:36

Welllll

You loaned them money, they're sticking to the agreement, I'd be annoyed but what can you really say? You agreed the terms too.

ADishBestEatenCold · 06/12/2015 23:37

You are not unreasonable for being pissed of, but I think it was up to you to stipulate the terms of the loan (before you lent the money). put it in writing and got them to sign it.

Hope you still have the text.

ADishBestEatenCold · 06/12/2015 23:38

"You are not unreasonable for being pissed of," ... sorry, 'pissed off' (not 'of').

ElderlyKoreanLady · 06/12/2015 23:42

I imagine they've got it on finance.

Original poster
BrushtheHeat · 06/12/2015 23:45

This is why I'm struggling to figure out if I'm bu or not. You're right, we did agree those terms. I just think it's fundamentally wrongheaded to behave like that. I'm certainly not going to demand money they haven't got...but wibu to say: Look, we're not impressed about you pleading poverty and then spending recklessly..people worry about them.
bitchpeas it could be finance although I doubt they have the credit rating tbh. Their combined income is almost double ours (I'm a student right now) but they struggle for money as they're paying back so much debt.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrushtheHeat · 06/12/2015 23:54

We text them but haven't had a response back. They don't know we know about the telly, so we just text back, "do you think £550 is all you can manage right now?" I don't want to harangue them or anything. It just feels like they have passed on the risk of the deposit refund on to us. I mean, if you owe money to someone you get it back to them asap, right?
I reckon Black bloody Friday is to.blame for this...reckon they got a deal! Grin

OP posts:
FishWithABicycle · 07/12/2015 00:01

Yanbu to be pissed off but you can't do anything about it - you are getting the money back, you now know how far to trust them next time they ask. Could be worse.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 07/12/2015 00:07

Unfortunately there are some people who see generosity and think "well, fuck it, you can obviously afford it" rather than "that's very decent of you" and so they take the piss as your relatives have. Lesson learned with this pair Op, don't put yourselves out for them again.

yorkshapudding · 07/12/2015 08:52

Like others have said, they are being unreasonable but as they are, technically, sticking to the agreement there isn't much you can do. You could let them know that you're disappointed they have chosen to repay the minimum amount and buy a massive telly but I doubt this would result in you getting your money back any quicker, they seem to have no shame. However, I would be having a serious chat with DH and making it clear that I was not happy to lend money to his sister ever again.

CheesyNachos · 07/12/2015 08:55

What CantSleep says.

Original poster
BrushtheHeat · 07/12/2015 13:31

cantsleep I think you're exactly spot on there. It does get on my tits, that attitude. Why should them having another tv trump us being able to put a better deposit down for a car?! Grrr

OP posts:
Original poster
BrushtheHeat · 07/12/2015 13:38

And cant yorksha we shan't be lending them any again. I know for a fact they asked several.other people before getting to us first. It's suddenly becoming clear why everyone else turned them down. Bil was incredulous because when he asked fil he said no and told them they need to live within their means.what really grates is that at several family gatherings sil has boasted about how much she earns per hour when she does overtime: Approx £60 per hr. She brags a lot and I have to sit there inwardly like this Hmm and biting my tongue. I think the next time she does I'll just say gosh, so how.come you haven't paid us back yet?
As an aside, she likes to lecture me on my weight in front of the rest of the family (she has lost a fair bit recently) so I might just retaliate but about money instead!

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 07/12/2015 13:44

YANBU and don't ever lend them money again.

They acted unfairly by changing the terms at the last minute and the purchase of a second stupidly massive TV, whether outright or on finance is probably just an illustration of how they will never prioritise their finances properly and always spend on luxuries over boring necessities like rent deposits and repayment of loans to relatives.

You say they have a decent income but are struggling because they are paying back a lot of debt. Unless their income is higher than it used to be (ie they didn't used to have spare money so ran up debts) it sounds to me like they have been spending above their means for some time and are used to borrowing rather than saving up and waiting but maybe they are at their credit limits or have otherwise been refused credit.

If this is the case, the best way you can help them is to point them in the direction of a debt management charity or the moneysavingexpert debt advice forums, not lend them more money that they cannot afford to repay.

If someone on decent money cannot save up a relatively modest sum (which sounds like it is less than a month's income) then they almost certainly cannot afford to borrow it.

WMittens · 07/12/2015 13:45

Never a borrower nor a lender be.

Money can too easily drive a wedge between relatives or friends. I hear too many stories of people never paying the money back, so if they keep paying it back until it's cleared I'd treat it as a win. The safest option is usually to assume you'll never see the money again, and treat anything returned is a bonus (I tell a lie: the safest option is not to lend in the first place).

It annoys me every time (for myself and others) when a debtor goes out on the lash or splashes out on a luxury when they still have that debt to a friend/relative - it's the highest order of cheekiness.

LagunaBubbles · 07/12/2015 13:47

I hope you get your money back OP.

BarbaraofSeville · 07/12/2015 13:48

Oh, missed your last post, but it just reinforced what I said. £1600 is probably about 2 weeks wages, just for her so if she can't find that spare for the house deposit, then they definitely cannot afford to borrow it. Your FIL is exactly right - they need to live within their what appears to be considerable means.

Original poster
BrushtheHeat · 07/12/2015 14:00

I totally agree with you all. When first considering lending to them we thought 'well we won't do this if it has the power to cause a rift/argument' but in retrospect I'm super pissed off. I just didn't expect them to be so...well firstly stupid and secondly, so bloody cheeky and inconsiderate. And to be showing people the new telly and boasting about it to other family members (dhs younger brothers are slightly in awe) just takes the biscuit for me. Angry

OP posts:
LaurieLemons · 07/12/2015 14:00

Yeah, it is definitely taking the piss a bit! I'd be annoyed, this is why you should stick with exact figures when paying someone back!!

Original poster
BrushtheHeat · 07/12/2015 14:03

Thanks Laguna so do I! It's always poor me with them. Sil is pregnant with a baby they actively tried for. So it will be poor me again when they encounter money problems then. Turns out dmil has lent them lots over the years, always with the proviso it's paid back and sil always said of course we'll pay you back mum. And then it's never mentioned again.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrushtheHeat · 07/12/2015 14:06

Yep, I guess we need to take responsibility for being so accommodating and not questioning it when the changed the terms just before the money was transferred. Dh has just said that it's just a bit of a coincidence that the landlord has taken the exact chunk of money from their deposit to leave them with the lowest estimation of.what they could pay us back! Anyone else think that's convenient?!

OP posts:
MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 07/12/2015 14:08

I do sympathise. My db is hopeless with money and has just borrowed some from our dsis. She needs it back and he's just asked for more! She says she wouldn't mind but he lost his house because of irresponsible spending when she's worked bloody hard for hers. Now he just expects her/us to help him. It really takes the piss. Why should we fund his spending and debt?

HermioneWeasley · 07/12/2015 14:08

Wait until you've got the money back and then tell them why you won't be lending to them again

Also, if you needed the money for a deposit on a car, then you couldn't afford to lend it. Now you will either have more in finance, or get a car that's going to need more maintenance - either way it had cost you money to give them a (presumably ) interest free loan.

Let this be an expensive lesson!

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