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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To comment on facebook post

106 replies

Jillonthehill · 05/12/2015 23:07

I am so upset tonight about a facebook post. It show all the girls in my DD's class at a party. My DD was not invited.

It is not the first time she has not been invited to parties. I really dont understand it as she is a lovely, confident outgoing little girls. There is obviously something about her that other girls in the class dont like. I intend to make an appointment to discuss it with her teacher.

But what sort of parent invites 7 out of 8 girls in a class to a party? I have never seen or been told anything that would lead me to believe that my DD is a bully or un nice in any way so I just dont get it.

I feel so hurt, and i am so worried about the effect this will have on dd's confidence if she realises she is being excluded.

Should i comment on the party pics - just something like 'how lovely' or is it best just to ignore it?

OP posts:
srslylikeomg · 06/12/2015 21:56

Who the actual fuck has pamper parties for six year olds??? Ye gods. Your lovely DD is best off out of it.

Mmmmcake123 · 06/12/2015 21:56

Good luck op. I agree with being wary about inviting them in case it backfired. Have any of them been to parties your daughter has had before?

Original poster
Jillonthehill · 06/12/2015 22:04

Srslylikeomg - I so agree with you. In my opinion a pamper party is totally inappropriate for 6 year olds. BUT its not just this party it is the everyday at school and every party.

She has had one party, we invited the whole class and nearly all the girls came. But she was not invited to their parties.

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 06/12/2015 22:08

OP she is going to be in that class a long time. You need to do some inviting on her behalf, so shes not knocked back. And get a feel for any issues. Do you know the moms? Has she had anyone over before? How did it go? You either build bridges and swallow your pride, because no action will get worse - failing that move schools, she may fit in better elsewhere. On the teacher front wtf has she been doing about in thus far????

CFSsucks · 06/12/2015 22:09

Oh that's so awful, your poor DD. I wonder if one girl in particular is the ring leader and the rest follow?

My DD is younger but there is a girl in the class who was being quite mean to DDs best friend, she had some of the other girls copying and following her lead (thankfully DD won't follow along blindly and told ringleader no). It can be a common problem in groups of children.

I hope you get it sorted.

The other day I had to walk past the school at lunch time. DD was lying alone on a bench. When she saw me she ran over and started crying that she missed me. One of my friends said her DD said that's what mine does at lunch times, lays on a bench alone. I asked DD if that was right and she said yes. The others ask her to play (and she does have quite a few friends) but she says no because she's tired so that's apparently how she spends her lunch times Sad. I am a bit annoyed that no one has told me about this. It's awful to think that you assume they are happy and settled at school and then you discover that they aren't.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/12/2015 22:10

It is horrid to invite al but 1, it is mean and cruel. I don't know if the teacher will be able to help, it might be one of those things you have no control over, shitty, but I don't think the teacher can do much.

Original poster
Jillonthehill · 06/12/2015 22:12

You right sally - 4.5 years to go in this class, so I need to swallow pride and do something. My gut feeling is to move her somewhere else. But we have another child at the school, so it would complicate things.

Dh is very much moving is running away from the issue. I also agree with this view but feel she has just been dealt a rubbish hand with the mix of girls in the class.

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 06/12/2015 22:15

The teacher can established if this exclusion is also occuriing in school, though Aero And if it is it is down to school to put a stop to it as it is bullying. Of course I fully agree the teacher can't control everything. He/she is only human.
If it were me. I would do an activity on differences and the importance of including everyone.

Original poster
Jillonthehill · 06/12/2015 22:15

I am hoping the teaching can talk to the class about it is not nice to leave people out. Maybe encourage inclusive group work. Ask the playground supervisors to try and encourage other girls to let her join in.

I realise the teacher has no control over who gets invited to parties!

OP posts:
Gutterflower · 06/12/2015 22:19

OP no advice but you could have been describing my dd! She is 8 now and sounds so so similar to your dd. I regularly used to See on fb/find out about parties that she hadn't been invited to and it used to break my heart. She is a lovely, friendly little girl but I fear she is slightly over powering with her enthusiasm. She is in year 4, we changed her school a couple of
Months ago, she was being bullied by a horrid witch little girl and was forever saying that no one would play with her and she was always on her own. She's settled in so well at her new school and made some lovely friends. I've come to the conclusion that the girls at her previous school just didn't 'fit' with her xx

Aeroflotgirl · 06/12/2015 22:20

Oh ok, see the teacher, see what is happening at school. I know in my primary school they have a circle of friends, to help a child finding difficult to make friends, group work. Could she not move class?

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 06/12/2015 22:22

I have twins in different schools. Other factors not bullying. Its doable just. Bit tricky this time of year. But DD is a damn sight happier!!

Original poster
Jillonthehill · 06/12/2015 22:24

Thanks really interesting the know that moving schools worked for your dd. It must have been a hard decision to make. I have to say i think your right that things just dont 'fit' sometimes.

OP posts:
Lovelydiscusfish · 06/12/2015 22:40

Would it be worth inviting one of her friends from Rainbows over? ( unless you already do so). It might be good for her to have friendships outside of school - I remember, as a small child, having my friendships from Sunday school, or my mum's best friend's daughter - these were totally my life-line!
So sorry you are going through this - and shame on the parents facilitating it all? And yes, a "pamper party" for a 6 year old girl is a hideous thing (to me, anyway - guess I'm approaching it from my own, narrow, judgemental political standpoint) ! One can't help but think that your dd is, on some level, better off out of it!
Do hope you are both ok.

Helloitsme15 · 07/12/2015 19:41

This is very common - we only realised our DD had a problem at junior school when a friend asked her if she had made many friends - her reply was no friends but she had 3 enemies. My heart broke in 2.
We spoke to the teacher and she made a few simple changes to where girls sat in thr classroom and got the dinner ladies to keep an eye on things in the playground. In a few weeks things had really improved. You can turn it round.

Original poster
Jillonthehill · 09/12/2015 20:41

hi, just a n update to all the kind ladies that replied to my post. We went to see dd's teacher today and feel vindicated in our concerns. The teacher made it clear that she had identified that there was strong clique in the class and that my dd was lovely and is excluded for the group. Although she suggested that DD might be overplaying the situation, as she says she always seems to be happily playing either alone or with others at break time.

That said the teacher was really supportive and said how much she had tried to deal with the issues but the girls have a strong bond out of school, so it is difficult. Moving classes is a possibility but we are agreed to wait and see how it goes until the new year.

OP posts:
mintoil · 09/12/2015 21:06

Lovely to read your update OP. It's good that the teacher agreed there is a clique problem and acknowledges how that might affect your DD. Also, I imagine you are mightily relieved to hear that DD seems to be playing happily at breaktimes?

I think the worst thing about these situations as a parent is that we imagine our offspring isolated and shunned at playtimes, sobbing into their lunchboxes that's me OP, not you! and to hear that she has coping strategies for a difficult situation shows you she will be fine.

You definitely did the right thing and hopefully things will improve now.

Lovelydiscusfish · 09/12/2015 22:05

So glad the teacher seems nice, and helpful.

If it's all to do with the bond these girls have outside school (presumably largely due to the parents' close relationship -presumably they all knew each other beforehand, through proximity, or a group, or something) it might be worth trying to identify a parent you like, inviting him or her over with their daughter, or something? Just to reframe the clique a little?

I'm assuming that at least some of the adults are decent people who don't want to see a child excluded, and also might be up for making new friends.

Good luck OP, and well done for fronting up to this.

facedontfit · 10/12/2015 00:22

You could be describing my daughter. 8 girls in the year, cliquey parents, cliquey girls. The were very happy to accept my many invites but very rarely reciprocated. She became very isolated, bullied and shunned at school, lost her confidence, self esteem, happiness, didn't think she deserved to be here. Thought she was ugly. Her school work suffered. She used to say " When I go to secondary school I want to be popular but I don't to have to be mean." She couldn't understand why the girls who were mean to her were popular. Kids who were nice to her out of school were mean at school "to impress xxxxx". (Members of the clique.). She begged to go to a new school and I bitterly regret not changing schools.

I used to think is my daughter horrible because she was never invited anywhere but people were always very happy to accept my invites. If she was horrible you wouldn't accept invites for tea, parties, sleepovers, days out etc.

She has now been at secondary school for three and a half months. She has had more invites in that time than the whole of her time at infants/primary school. She is ecstatic at how many friends she has. Her first school report was excellent.

I have cried with relief.

Leelu6 · 10/12/2015 01:11

I would do what Suckingeggs and Domino suggested.

If they're being cliquey, I would de-friend them on fb. It's very insensitive to put up pics of a party if they didn't invite your dd.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 27/03/2016 14:23

How are things now OP?

ILoveTFIFriday · 27/03/2016 14:45

This happened to my dd alot. I was getting so upset by the posts I hid those people from my feed. So not unfriending but I just didn't want to know about it.

spanky2 · 27/03/2016 14:55

This happened to ds1 in y5. The birthday boy invited all of the friendship group except ds1. When ds1 asked why, the birthday boy told him his mum said he wasn't allowed to ask ds1. The boy's mum dislikes me and took it out on ds1.
Ds1 cried all the way home.
We took him to a theme park to make up for it.
Could it be one of the mum's doing it?

ARV1981 · 27/03/2016 15:32

This is so sad.

I don't know what to say, except that I was like your dd at school- excluded, bullied etc.

I begged my parents to send me to a different school, which they refused to do. The problems followed me to secondary school and I was a very unhappy teenager.

If my child was in that situation I would try to counter the problems by inviting other children round for playdates etc, but if it continued I would move schools.

I think how much happier I would have been if I could have gone to another school. I think it would have made an enormous difference to me self esteem and confidence. FlowersChocolateCakeWine

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 27/03/2016 16:32

The problems followed me to secondary school and I was a very unhappy teenager.

My daughters tormentors tried to do this in high school - it took months of coaching her not to retaliate - to smile walk away - say nothing (real hard thing to do in that situation) so other children could claret see she was not the problem - luckily it worked and she now has a large group of friends - and the bullies unfortunately don't!!