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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To comment on facebook post

106 replies

Jillonthehill · 05/12/2015 23:07

I am so upset tonight about a facebook post. It show all the girls in my DD's class at a party. My DD was not invited.

It is not the first time she has not been invited to parties. I really dont understand it as she is a lovely, confident outgoing little girls. There is obviously something about her that other girls in the class dont like. I intend to make an appointment to discuss it with her teacher.

But what sort of parent invites 7 out of 8 girls in a class to a party? I have never seen or been told anything that would lead me to believe that my DD is a bully or un nice in any way so I just dont get it.

I feel so hurt, and i am so worried about the effect this will have on dd's confidence if she realises she is being excluded.

Should i comment on the party pics - just something like 'how lovely' or is it best just to ignore it?

OP posts:
bluebolt · 06/12/2015 12:44

DS1 way unlucky to be in a class with a very large NCT group of children, it took three years for the group to implode and with the fall out came play dates and party invitations for DS1.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 06/12/2015 12:59

I hate when that happens. I'm not surprised, nor do I blame you for being furious. Any mother or parent would be.
I Know you will understandably want to go on FB and call the mothers clique exclusive cunts but I think the best port of call is to go about it the sensible way and go in and have a word her teacher because what happened to your DD is exclusion, which comes under bullying.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 06/12/2015 13:00

Oh I would also unfriend.

MrsJayy · 06/12/2015 15:11

I would also unfriend easy to say but I know tht can be social suicide for some people thats not a reflection on you op the world of parenting seems to revolve around face book these days and defriending might make it worse for your dd

MrsJayy · 06/12/2015 15:11

Hide them though

Enjolrass · 06/12/2015 15:25

There is an unspoken rule with the parents in my ds' class.

No one waves about invites and no one posts on Facebook.

I can't imagine leaving one girl out. But I know there is one girl ds wouldn't invite. She scratched him again this week right down his face and drew blood.

I never know what to do in these situations.

Invite the kids your child wants and leave one out, or invite anyway.

Op speak up the school see if there are any issues. If there isn't I am not sure speaking to the parents will help!

MrsJayy · 06/12/2015 15:29

I wouldnt invite a kid who scratched my kids face bugger that. I was always really iffy about whole class invites 1 of my dd went to a party birthday child said to her my mum made me invite you after that i always asked is x your friend at school if not they didnt go

Enjolrass · 06/12/2015 15:33

The issue is I know both of this girls mums. One really well and she is under going assessment for SN. But trying to explain that to a four year old is proving difficult.

I don't want to upset anyone.

mintoil · 06/12/2015 15:44

I had this with DS when he was little. It was heartbreaking, there was a clique of mums and DS got excluded from about three parties in a row.

I racked my brains wondering what had happened to cause this, I thought it must be me as DS is someone everyone loves, but I am a bit aloof.

Turned out it was because one of the cliquey mums had had a fling with DH years previously and DH had ended it poorly. She didn't want to risk him dropping off or picking up. He had never told me, despite recognising her at the school gates. He only fessed up when he realised how dreadfully upset I was.

He is of course now XH Grin

I hope you get it sorted OP, I really feel for you.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 06/12/2015 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scarlets · 06/12/2015 16:18

Maybe her assertiveness and "sharp-as a tack" demeanour have been misconstrued as arrogance and clever dick-ness by the other children and/or the parents. I hope not, but it could be an explanation. The teacher might be able to enlighten you.

Even if I'm right, it's no excuse. Excluding one girl is pretty mean, whatever the background, and shame on parents who enable it. I would be upset too. I wouldn't defriend this woman (this could cause other problems) but I'd definitely hide her for now.

I agree with pps who wrote words to the effect of, "roll on secondary school" when it comes to parties. Obviously there are other issues then, but party invitation intensity tends not to feature so heavily.

MissMillament · 06/12/2015 16:22

Is it a small class OP, or are the rest of them 22 boys?

Fairynuff, my DD1 was in a Y1 class of 5 girls and 25 boys! Twas not ideal.

BirdsInMyPants · 06/12/2015 16:30

Are you sure all the other girls are from the class?

Could it be that 4 are from the class and the others make up friends outside of school? Neighbours kid, cousins etc?

MrsJayy · 06/12/2015 16:34

Ah ok enjorlass I can see your quandry still its a shame your son is being hurt

Original poster
Jillonthehill · 06/12/2015 18:02

Thanks everyone birds in my pants - it was definitely all the girls from the class - loads of photographs.

I have had a good chat this morning with DD which involved loads of tears from her. I asked her about who she played with at school. The answer was a resounding no one. She says she likes plying on her own as she has got used to it. She said she would like to play with others but they dont let her so she dos'n't ask anymore. Heartbreakingly she said she will often see what their playing and pretend she is playing with them. Feel so upset and so annoyed with myself I had not realised how bad the situation was earlier.

I think DD maybe a bit overbearing. And yes maybe bossy. But she is also sweet and kind and outgoing so I find the whole situation hard to believe.
DD is very tall and big for her age. She is on age 11 clothes despite being only 6, takes size 3 shoes and a foot taller than all the kids in her class. It has crossed my mind if this difference in her physical apprentice could be an issue.

We are going to book an appointment with her class teacher.

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 06/12/2015 18:14

No Jill your DD is not over reacting at all. That was a very mean trick they played . Please don't make excuses for those clique bitches. The mothers of course not the children
I hope you get this sorted out at your meeting

Enjolrass · 06/12/2015 19:18

mrsjay I know, I have a few months hopefully it will be resolved by then and they will be friends again.

OP that's awful. But I am glad you have got the truth out of her. At least now you can start resolving it.

Her height may have something to do with it. A girl in my class was much taller than all us, very young. People seemed to be intimidated by her when we were all in primary. My mum and her mum were friends so I knew how lovely she was. But she did struggle.

I can't give any advice apart from speak to the teacher and see what they say and then make a plan. I am so sorry you are all going through this.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 06/12/2015 19:32

Why do people do these FB posts? Seriously? They wouldnt say it to your face, so why post?
Id consider moving here.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 06/12/2015 19:43

YY Sally. FB is an absolute curse.

Boomingmarvellous · 06/12/2015 20:08

I think the physical differences may be a factor. Often any difference can exclude one child.

Why don't you have a party for DD and invite all the girls?

leccybill · 06/12/2015 20:34

I was friends at high school with a very tall girl. She was like a gazelle, she looked different to the rest of us and for that (stupid) reason, she was left out quite a bit. I got to know her and really liked her. She actually went on to become a model.

I felt so sad for your DD when I read about her pretend playing. Please do tell the teacher who can pass on to the playtime supervisors to watch out for her, or perhaps initiate some team/group games, with large skipping ropes etc.

Here's a little tip too: Pop a little toy/Top Trump cards/novelty gadget/small sheet of stickers to share into her coat pocket. She can play with it at playtime and I bet half the other girls end up wandering over to see what she has and get chatting about it.
This seems to always do the trick in DD's class! DD took a magic wand in one day (from a party bag) and made up a game of wizards and spells. Half of Yr2 and Reception joined in too!

Notimefortossers · 06/12/2015 20:58

Bless you Jill. I am heartbroken for your DD and for you. I think it's terrible that the teacher hasn't let you know about her social issues before now tbh.

I'd definitely go with what a PP said about extra curricular activities. She'll get to meet people that aren't from school and start a fresh. Be proactive about playdates and building her self confidence. Then after some time you can throw her her own pamper party and invite all her new friends

I have no idea how the mothers of these children live with themselves?! Kids will be kids and can often be mean, but mothers should know better! And don't tell me they didn't know she was the only one not invited from the girls in the class! In her position I would be explaining to my DD why it's not nice to leave people out, asking her to imagine how she would feel if that were her and insisting that if she wanted to have a party she'd need to include everyone

Lovelydiscusfish · 06/12/2015 21:08

Oh! Poor dd (and poor you, worrying about her so much). If I were you I would certainly explore out of school extra-curricular options (Rainbows? Sport stuff?) to enable her to make lots of friends outside school.
Plus also pursue ( moderately) the parents of any children she likes in school (are there any she mentions?) Those out of school play-dates can cement budding friendships in school, I think, to some extent. Don't forget the boys, and also out of year group friendships.
Gosh, I know it's hard, OP. I have a quirky dd, and possibly even worry more about her friendships than she does herself!

Original poster
Jillonthehill · 06/12/2015 21:26

She does go to Rainbows, which she enjoys. None of the girls from her class at school our in her Rainbows. The Rainbow leader says she plays nicely with the other girls.

I have to say I feel rather wary of asking girls from school on a play date that have already so openly excluded DD. How would DD feel if they said no to coming. It would be a terrible blow.

Dh is very on board and he is going to ring the school for an appointment with her teacher.

OP posts:
giraffesCantDoThat · 06/12/2015 21:29

Hope teacher helps op