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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To comment on facebook post

106 replies

Jillonthehill · 05/12/2015 23:07

I am so upset tonight about a facebook post. It show all the girls in my DD's class at a party. My DD was not invited.

It is not the first time she has not been invited to parties. I really dont understand it as she is a lovely, confident outgoing little girls. There is obviously something about her that other girls in the class dont like. I intend to make an appointment to discuss it with her teacher.

But what sort of parent invites 7 out of 8 girls in a class to a party? I have never seen or been told anything that would lead me to believe that my DD is a bully or un nice in any way so I just dont get it.

I feel so hurt, and i am so worried about the effect this will have on dd's confidence if she realises she is being excluded.

Should i comment on the party pics - just something like 'how lovely' or is it best just to ignore it?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 06/12/2015 00:11

Is it a small class OP, or are the rest of them 22 boys? Grin

Domino777 · 06/12/2015 00:11

Firstly stay calm and set a good example. Don't post on FB, that could seem passive aggressive. Do talk to the teacher and ask how your DD is doing socially within the group or if anything has happened recently that you should be made aware of. Also ask your DD in a roundabout way if she gets in with the other girls. How does she find them? What are they like? If she finds out about the party, explain its normal not to get invited to everything (which is correct).

Domino777 · 06/12/2015 00:15

Is there any chance she's controlling and bossy. That would be a deal breaker for my kids. They wouldn't want anything to do with a bossy child.

lastuseraccount123 · 06/12/2015 00:43

I'm sorry OP. It may have nothing to do with your DD at all, some years have weird dynamics like this. (and by years, I don't just mean the girls. I also mean the parents). Also, 6 year old girls can be little cowbags in my experience.

I would keep an eye on it & talk to the teacher, but if your DD isn't bothered I wouldn't worry about it. Ugh.

lastuseraccount123 · 06/12/2015 00:44

ffs domino she's 6.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 06/12/2015 08:31

6 year olds can be quite perceptive. DD name may have cropped up in conversations. That said at 6 parents have control over party invites, how are you with the moms? Do they all socialise? A random party seems a bit OTT .... hope this isnt a new non birthday thing! What else jas she been left out of?

Domino777 · 06/12/2015 08:35

I also agree it could could just be their hang up! Nothing to do with DD. I was a mother who had a quiet/well mannered/studious/ humorous boy on the outside of a large friendship group in a very very tiny primary school. Our kids just didn't click and that's fine. He only needed a couple of nice friends (one was in the year above). Now at a much larger secondary he has a lots of well chosen friends who have similar strong morals/humour. It would have been easy to feel upset when he was in infants but instead we concentrated on friendships that were more meaningful.

SummerNights1986 · 06/12/2015 08:47

Is it a small class OP, or are the rest of them 22 boys?

Not all schools have classes of 30. In my ds2's class, the total class size is 17, with only 7 girls.

I wouldn't comment on fb op, it would be pointless. But I've been in a similar situation when ds1 was in Year 1. There was a group of 6 of the boys, including my ds, who were part of a definite friendship group. They would be invited over each others houses etc as a 6 and to parties and so on. Except for one of the mothers who would leave out my ds whenever the other boys went over, every time.

I couldn't see any reason really - she was pleasant (if aloof) to me and our ds's were great friends with no problems I knew of.

I'm not usually as upfront but one day I spoke to her, away from everyone else and just said 'Hi x. I wanted a quick word. Ds1 is a bit upset because he's not being invited over with the others - I was wondering if there was any reason?'

She mumbled a bit about her house only being big enough for 5dc at a time, she hadn't realised etc. I still don't know what her problem was (I suspect it was me rather than ds...didn't believe the 5dc-at-a-time thing at all) but he did start getting invited.

I would talk to the parent before the school to see what they say.

Fairenuff · 06/12/2015 08:51

Not all schools have classes of 30

Yes, Summer I know, which is why I asked 'is it a small class?'

AbiAbi · 06/12/2015 08:52

My daughters class was made up of 21 boys and 8 girls for a few years.

Caprinihahahaha · 06/12/2015 08:54

Don't comment at all.
Go and speak with her teacher and say exactly what you have said here.
As for her views on your DDs friendship group. Ask if she could think of any reason why DD is being excluded.

Does your DD have a particular friend in this group. Does she have play dates at your house. Have you seen her interact in this group of girls.

lilydaisyrose · 06/12/2015 08:56

This is why I no longer have FB.

Caprinihahahaha · 06/12/2015 08:57

Also - do all those mums know each other through a different avenue?
When DS1 changed school at 11 some, only some, of the parents continued to only do social stuff with the parents from the previous school the boys had all attended. As DS1 arrived from a different county it meant he was initially sidelined.
The parents were bizarrely insecure and clingy. It was very odd but it soon disappeared as the boys made their own friendships.

MrsJayy · 06/12/2015 09:03

Hide the mothers pictures/updates on facebook it is just upsetting you. Who is your dd friends with at school concentrate on that and not on this.if you want to talk to the class teacher about this you are going to have to ask about school time( not out side) who she gets on with ask if the girls exclude her

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 06/12/2015 09:04

I had a very similar thing on fb recently.
A girl in ds class had a bday party. The pics came up on fb and alot of ds classmates were there inc his friends who he plays with the most.
I thought it unusual that ds wasn't invited, esp as the other boys were invited. Ds is a popular, friendly little boy (he's 6 too).
I'm also friends with girls mum on fb amd we have a goid banter when in rl too.
I desperately wanted to comment saying happy birthday or looks fun! But I refrained.
It has never been mentioned in rl afterwards, I'm not too fussed tbh, I know he'll be invited to lots more parties throughout the year.
Does your dd have a friends in the class?

NoahVale · 06/12/2015 09:09

I imagine 8 was the limit.

I wouldnt do anything at all.
Aside from concentrating on having girls back for my dd to play with, cultivate friendships that way

do you invite girls from school round?

I never forget I saw a trampoline party going and pointed out the children to my dd, then realising it was obviously a party that she hadnt been invited to, as the party giver was a girl she was friends with Sad, I felt guilty to the Oh Look comments.

Lovelydiscusfish · 06/12/2015 09:16

I understand why you're upset - we so desperately want our children to be happy, and for many (not all) that equates to having friends, getting invited etc. Is your dd aware of these things going on to which she is not invited? If so, what does she say about it?
Does your dd have play dates with any of her schoolmates? If not, it might be worth inviting a couple over - this might also give you the chance to get to know the parents a bit better? Or, if there are any parents who seem nice, invite them round for coffee/a drink. (I am rubbish at this, very shy, but luckily my dh is good at it). I think often, which children get invited is as much about the parents' friendships as those of the kids.
Just one final thought- does she get on better with the boys than the girls? Lots of children (like my dd) get on with opposite sex better, or just a mixture - it doesn't have to be all about getting in with the girl-crowd (I'm sure you know this). You can always invite one of them over instead.
Good luck!

MrsJayy · 06/12/2015 09:17

My dd was excluded a in early primary, parties and days over at kids houses id usually here in the playground how much fun they had this was in the days before facebook so it wasnt so in your face iyswim but kids do form better friendships as they get older ime and a lot of the engineered friendships went pearshaped when they fell out as the parents were friends there used to be snubbing and awkwardness in the playground

IAmAPaleontologist · 06/12/2015 09:20

Dd gets left out of stuff like that too, she's pretty different from the other girls. At the moment she just floats around in her own little world but I worry too. Last year for example dd handed out the invites for her birthday party (joint party in a hall with her brother so she could invite lots of people) and the mums of the other girls were all being a bit wishy washy/evasive with general "we have plans" responses. Turned out all the other girls were going to a Frozen Singalong together that dd hadn't been invited to.

I hate school playground politics at times!

Picturesofmatchstickmen · 06/12/2015 09:20

I understand OP, my dd is six, she has four close friends at school and three of them have already had their parties this year and it's been the other four at the party, not dd. but I am assuming it's because they could only have four, as no other children from the class have been invited and they have done quite expensive activities. But I still hurt for her. The situation you describe is cruel IMO, if there were 8 girls in dd's class I would not allow her to leave just one out. Fair enough to have a limit of five or six. My older dd wanted an expensive day out last year so I only allowed her to pick three friends, inevitably friends who had invited her to theirs were disappointed they weren't picked, but lots were left out so it wasn't personal.

ottersaint · 06/12/2015 09:26

That's horrible, your poor DD

Onlyonamonday · 06/12/2015 09:58

My dds are now 18 & 20 .. I remember the intensity of the primary school parties well! I remember the fragile anxious states of most parents (including myself) when it came to the invites.
It's a strange time that won't last, friends come and go there's a hell of a lot of social sorting out to do as they grow, and it's good for them to learn to deal with people, knock backs and generally how life is Smile
Believe me most of the friends they had at primary are distant memories now bar one or two. The friends they have now are real.

fresta · 06/12/2015 10:00

I would imagine your dd does already know she's been excluded. I f 7 out of 8 girls in her class were going to a party the chances are pretty high they talked about it at school. Why don't you ask your dd about it, she might be able to shed light on the situation?

MrsJayy · 06/12/2015 10:00

Yy i agree with ^^

DownstairsMixUp · 06/12/2015 10:05

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