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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that this is a nice thing to do and not creepy/stalkerish?

123 replies

Reastie · 05/12/2015 06:37

At work a colleague has had a really rubbish year this year going through cancer (and coming out the other end) but said colleague since treatment has also been suffering with pains associated with this and depression (which she says is a common side effect at this point of the treatment). She's very open about this and talks often about it and how she's struggling through the depression.

So I decided to cheer her up I'd become a secret Santa (despite the fact there is no secret Santa at work) and sent her a card (anonymously) with a little poem about how I know it's been a difficult year but to look out for little treats and have arranged for a few little things like a roll of Christmas wrapping paper (to help with her Christmas wrapping), chocolate coins, a cracker, a Christmas tree decoration etc on her desk for her.

In my head this is a great idea but I'm now getting truly paranoid that it'll look a bit stalkerish and creepy, which really wasn't the intention. So am I being thoughtful or creepy? please say thoughtful, I'm genuinely worried

OP posts:
patienceisvirtuous · 06/12/2015 09:35

Reastie, you sound like a lovely, thoughtful person. I think your colleague will see that your intentions are good x

RabbitsarenotHares · 06/12/2015 09:38

Don't worry OP, she'll probably be very touched at your thoughtfulness.

I did something similar, many years ago. A friend was going away on a gap year to Africa so I put together a wee package of tiny gifts for her to open whenever she wanted when she was away. Just silly things like stocking fillers, just to put a smile on her face if she became homesick.

Wasn't really that close to her and didn't know if she'd think it was a really random thing to do but still wanted to do it so I did. It went down well.

Duck90 · 06/12/2015 09:46

My understanding/experience of secret Santa is, people choose to opt in (it's not something that happens if you like it or not). And the Santa remains a secret.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 06/12/2015 09:48

I think a chat face to face and any gift/s given at that time would be the best way.

Do you have time to speak to any colleagues and see if they want to chip in - when I got my gift I was touched that it was a joint thing and it was a genuine gift from various people rather than one person feeling sorry for me...does that make sense?

Fluffyears · 06/12/2015 12:08

I love it, putting a smile on her face every day is a lovely idea. I don't like the wrapping paper but that's just me and I have tons of the stuff so don't need more. I'd do small things like a chocolate Santa, chocolate coins, a mini poinsettia-£3 in sainsburys right now, a bauble for her tree, a random little novelty game thing, a bath bomb, a nice candle. I'd speak to her and say that although there is no secret Santa you wanted to make her smile so you'll be her Santa.🎅🏼

AliceScarlett · 06/12/2015 15:23

I did something similar a few years ago, really regret it as the person asked me if I secretly fancied her! Xmas Blush

jcoleville · 06/12/2015 17:48

limitedperiodonly give the OP a break, your comments are so harsh and unnecessary.

Take a step back and realise that the OP intentions (whether you agree with them or not) come from a good place.

jcoleville · 06/12/2015 17:51

I don't understand the stalker comments either.

If a colleague left me something at on my desk (where I am 85% of the time whilst I'm at work) how would they be stalking me?

limitedperiodonly · 06/12/2015 18:18

I'm sure OP will go her own sweet way without help from you or me jcoleville.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 06/12/2015 18:48

Jcoville I don't think Limited's posts stand out as harsh and unnecessary (unlike yours ironically).

Limited is giving her perspective of this from a seriously ill person, as am I, and her comments are valid concerns.

I appreciate OP genuinely wants to be kind but sometimes the kindest gesture is to either ask what you can do to help (and mean it) or just talk to the person. Inexplicable gifts left on a desk might cause some head scratching. I'm sure poorly colleague has enough going on her life without any added stress and a number of posters have said we would find OPs actions either weird or confusing.

Op will you come back and update us? I do genuinely hope poorly colleague is pleased and your gesture is appreciated.

Original poster
Reastie · 06/12/2015 19:12

I will indeed update you.

OP posts:
jcoleville · 06/12/2015 19:15

But its not just one comment, it's repeatedly commenting in order to make someone feel shit.

I have an illness too and what?

I don't see how saying I hope I'm not said colleague is helping the OP in any way.

limitedperiodonly · 06/12/2015 19:29

If OP wants to make a meaningful friendship with the woman then there is nothing stopping her. As long as the woman wants her as a friend, that is.

That would be wonderful and I'm not the only one who's tried to steer her in a more appropriate direction.

However, if she wants to treat the poor bitch as a dog for Christmas, but not for life, she is going the right way about it and if that happened to me, I'd tell her where to stuff her wrapping paper.

jcoleville · 06/12/2015 19:47

...... wow.

Chill.

Seriously.

limitedperiodonly · 06/12/2015 19:50

That is my opinion. OP asked for it. She's ignored it, as is her prerogative.

If anyone needs to to chill, it's you.

Seriously.

jcoleville · 06/12/2015 19:53

Says the one who keeps going ham? Confused

Not surprised you got ignored.

LouisaGlasson · 06/12/2015 20:03

It's a very lovely thing to do for a colleague. I'd think you were kind, not weird.

Muddlewitch · 06/12/2015 20:43

I think it's a lovely thing to do too.

If you are worried though could you wrap them and give them to her all at once, in a bag/basket? With a 'To be opened one per day' tag? Or wrap them like a pass the parcel to open one layer per day? Then she could take them home and open them there in private, and once you have given them to her it's done, so if there is any awkwardness on either side it won't be in the work place every day for a week, or if she feels a bit emotional opening them she will be at home.

bumbleymummy · 06/12/2015 21:02

I think it's a lovely idea and I wouldn't be creeped out by it. :)

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 06/12/2015 21:17

I think it's a lovely thing to do, to make it a little less awkward could you maybe leave treats on other people's desks too?a candy cane or chocolate coin or a few quality streets, voucher for a coffee at Costa or something. Could still put a bit more effort into your original recipient but takes the spot light off her a bit?spread the Christmas cheer a bit further.

annielouise · 06/12/2015 23:20

I think you sound lovely. Don't worry, your intentions are good and hopefully that'll be seen and she'll accept the gifts with grace.

SpellBookandCandle · 06/12/2015 23:28

I think what you are doing is lovely. I would be touched if I were the recipient. It would mean a lot to me that someone was thinking about me during the holidays, especially if I had been through a very rough period.

Excited101 · 06/12/2015 23:40

I think the plan was really nice op, it's weird now you've revealed yourself imo

CakeNinja · 06/12/2015 23:59

Firstly an anonymous card to let her know to look out for treats.
Then an email fessing up.
Then a roll of wrapping paper appears on her desk Confused

I agree with many pps, your heart is in the right place, it's come from kindness but it's just absolutely bonkers!

Honestly? Just address her. "Hi Velma, I know you're struggling with a few things at the moment, and it's great to have you back at work with us now. so here's a little something from me, and hopefully we can nip out for a coffee some time soon?"
Hand over the little something, smile, awkward hug/professional handshake, leave office.

springydaffs · 07/12/2015 00:19

Bloody hell!

I'm in her exact position and I would love love LOVE what you've done. So kind!

Cancer treatment is SHIT. it goes on and on and it's SHIT. Then you get the 'finding of who your friends are (aren't)' which is challenging at the best of times. Then the treatment just beats the shit out of you and it's fucking horrible.

What you've done is precious. Don't doubt it for a second. She's an open sort bcs she's talking about how she feels so my guess it she'll appreciate it and cry buckets

Don't listen to the creep posters. You got it right.