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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that this is a nice thing to do and not creepy/stalkerish?

123 replies

Reastie · 05/12/2015 06:37

At work a colleague has had a really rubbish year this year going through cancer (and coming out the other end) but said colleague since treatment has also been suffering with pains associated with this and depression (which she says is a common side effect at this point of the treatment). She's very open about this and talks often about it and how she's struggling through the depression.

So I decided to cheer her up I'd become a secret Santa (despite the fact there is no secret Santa at work) and sent her a card (anonymously) with a little poem about how I know it's been a difficult year but to look out for little treats and have arranged for a few little things like a roll of Christmas wrapping paper (to help with her Christmas wrapping), chocolate coins, a cracker, a Christmas tree decoration etc on her desk for her.

In my head this is a great idea but I'm now getting truly paranoid that it'll look a bit stalkerish and creepy, which really wasn't the intention. So am I being thoughtful or creepy? please say thoughtful, I'm genuinely worried

OP posts:
lurkingfromhome · 05/12/2015 07:31

Possibly keep the treats now you've sent the email but change them? I mean, she can't really do anything with one Christmas cracker and the chances are she's already bought her gift wrap (which is hardly a treat for herself anyway). But things more like the chocolate coins would be ok.

Original poster
Reastie · 05/12/2015 07:31

Ok, I feel a bit less odd now! But I've worded an email to her and now I don't know whether to send it Confused . I think maybe because it's so split down the line with opinions here I will if only to stop the worry I have about it.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 05/12/2015 07:31

I think you should have the courage of your convictions and not bother about what other people's opinions are.

You'll always get some people saying it's stalkerish and others saying it's nice.

Senpai · 05/12/2015 07:34

If you send an email now, you're just going to look neurotic. Just run with it.

She's depressed, not paranoid. I think she'll appreciate it.

Original poster
Reastie · 05/12/2015 07:36

Ok, I chickened out, email sent to recipient. I'm still going to do it (and take on board your thoughts to little gifty bits) but at least now I'm not going to worry about how she's taking it. It'll still put a smile on her face having some little bits left on her desk over the course of a week I think (even if she does know it's me).

OP posts:
Original poster
Reastie · 05/12/2015 07:37

I'm now just going to come across as a nutcase aren't i Confused

OP posts:
Senpai · 05/12/2015 07:44

If I got an email to reassure me I wasn't being stalked and you were leaving candies on my desk, I would probably think you were shy and cute, not a nutcase.

It sounds like a good plan. :) I'm sure she'll still appreciate the thought.

happyjustobeme · 05/12/2015 07:50

I think it's really nice, and very thoughtful of you. You're clearly a Christmassy person (I recognise you from the bargain threads, and thanks v much for them by the way), as am I in a big way, and I recognise that you're using christmas as a way of feeling able to do something like this.

It would go down brilliantly with me, as I am from a giving background. But to some people this would be quite alien, and that's why I think they might find it creepy or be suspcious.

You know your colleague. We don't. Only you can judge it.

Callmegeoff · 05/12/2015 07:53

Something similar happened to one of my Facebook friends. She had just moved house and came home to find a decorated Christmas tree on her door step. Every few days she received a new gift and fished on Facebook to find out who it was.

Eventually she found out it was her sister.

I think it's a lovely thing to do.

Original poster
Reastie · 05/12/2015 07:54

Thank you. Every time I talk to her and she tells me about how down she's feeling etc etc I just feel like I want to do something to help her or to make her know I feel for her, and this is sort of my strange way of doing this.

OP posts:
Battleshiphips2 · 05/12/2015 08:20

I can understand why you've done it but maybe change your gifts. Things likes a Christmas scented candle, a small box of chocolates and maybe something nice for the bath. One day you could leave a Christmas themed cupcake for her to enjoy on her break. Wrapping paper and decorations are not really a treat. It's a sweet idea though.

Witchend · 05/12/2015 08:27

It'd make me feel really twitchy not knowing who it was. Although if I found a roll of wrapping paper on my desk I'd assume it was someone's who's put it down and forgotten. Would not assume it was a treat for me.
In fact you'd probably encounter me going round asking if you'd lost it, which could be awkward to say the least.

I think in theory it's a lovely idea. That was my first reaction. But I wouldn't enjoy it done to me... I'd enjoy doing it though. I guess that sounds a bit odd.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 05/12/2015 08:28

It's fine, it's lovely. Step out of that overthinking loop Smile

The only detail that made me Hmm a bit was the 'roll of wrapping paper' bit. I don't get that at all. It's wrapping that's the pain in the butt, not buying the paper Grin

But, seriously, it's all okay. Just do it now with a knowing twinkle.

Enjolrass · 05/12/2015 08:29

I think this started out as a really nice lovely gesture.

The anonymous email was a bit creepy saying 'look out for gifts'.

It would make uncomfortable.

The week of not knowing then 'revealing yourself' makes its sound like you are doing if the praise.

Personally I would have just got her a gift and a card and put it on her desk.

But it was a lovely thought.

Enjolrass · 05/12/2015 08:33

I remember someone kept leaving Herseys Kisses on my desk.

I was a bit Confused by it, especially anyone that knows my knows I hate American chocolate.

Turned out to be the Office kno head who was hoping I would think I had a secret admirer. Apparently it would be hilarious, if I though someone wanted to ask me out.

Think he was disappointed when I just kept giving them out or binning them.

I was married, why would I give a shit if someone fancied me. Especially when their wooing techniques was giving me shit chocolate

Sighing · 05/12/2015 08:34

Can your treats be a drink and a biscuit? Then take her to lunch?
She'll know it's you, but then you're giving her an opportunity to chat as well.

steppemum · 05/12/2015 09:08

well, I think it is lovely, and not stalkery, just kind.

timelytess · 05/12/2015 09:19

its a great idea.

limitedperiodonly · 05/12/2015 09:56

I wouldn't be scared by these gifts but puzzled, particularly by the poem. If someone revealed herself to me as the mystery giver I'd say thanks and wonder why they didn't just talk to me.

People get serious illnesses OP. I have one. It's what happens. Like your colleague, I'm open about it and would expect people to ask me about it, or not, as they wished.

I'd be thrown by them leaving random things on my desk.

limitedperiodonly · 05/12/2015 10:00

I was married, why would I give a shit if someone fancied me. Especially when their wooing techniques was giving me shit chocolate

Agree. What weird behaviour.

And Hersheys leaves the exact aftertaste you have in your mouth a minute after you've been sick.

Enjolrass · 05/12/2015 10:18

And Hersheys leaves the exact aftertaste you have in your mouth a minute after you've been sick.

yep me and dh always say they taste like you have been sick.

Takes far more than that to impress me Grin

BugritAndTidyup · 05/12/2015 13:14

I think if it was a one-off gift it's a lovely idea. But as an ongoing 'expect more to come' thing...? Yeah, that's a bit creepy imo. I'm sure I've seen some horror films open with that as a basic premise. Grin

ToastyFingers · 05/12/2015 18:15

Receiving gifts in front of my colleagues would make me very uncomfortable, as would having to explain to all and sundry that I didn't know who had sent them or why.

When I've suffered with bouts of depression the last thing I want is more attention drawn to me.

You mean well though, which is quite lovely, I hope your colleague appreciates your efforts.

Hatethis22 · 05/12/2015 18:22

Wrapping paper and a cracker, no. Something like a
Lindor snowflake or a Christmas plant, yes.

CastaDiva · 05/12/2015 18:24

Yes, I've seen exactly what Enjolrass describes being done to a shy woman in an office situation, with the intention of mocking her if she betrayed any evident heart-flutterings at the 'secret admirer' leaving her notes and little gifts. Unfortunately, the departmental dickhead reckoned without me telling her, so she wasn't publicly hurt or humiliated.

Your intentions were pure, OP, and more than likely your colleague wiould have been touched, but some people have less benign associations with this kind of thing.