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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU that this is a nice thing to do and not creepy/stalkerish?

123 replies

Reastie · 05/12/2015 06:37

At work a colleague has had a really rubbish year this year going through cancer (and coming out the other end) but said colleague since treatment has also been suffering with pains associated with this and depression (which she says is a common side effect at this point of the treatment). She's very open about this and talks often about it and how she's struggling through the depression.

So I decided to cheer her up I'd become a secret Santa (despite the fact there is no secret Santa at work) and sent her a card (anonymously) with a little poem about how I know it's been a difficult year but to look out for little treats and have arranged for a few little things like a roll of Christmas wrapping paper (to help with her Christmas wrapping), chocolate coins, a cracker, a Christmas tree decoration etc on her desk for her.

In my head this is a great idea but I'm now getting truly paranoid that it'll look a bit stalkerish and creepy, which really wasn't the intention. So am I being thoughtful or creepy? please say thoughtful, I'm genuinely worried

OP posts:

Original poster

Reastie · 05/12/2015 18:49

Well, festive candle ordered and I love the idea of a festive plant, I shall get one of those too. Said colleague actually has a desk in her own 'room' so no one else will see it or know what's going on.

OP posts:

limitedperiodonly · 05/12/2015 19:13

You really want to do this, don't you OP?

Fucking hell. I'm seriously ill and have had a challenging year and have my own office. I hope I'm not the 'said colleague' because I'd find your attentions quite strange.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 05/12/2015 19:17

It's a tricky one.

I think it would make me very uncomfortable.

My colleagues once all joined together when I was very ill and one delivered magazines/chocolate/bath stuff to my house etc which Made me cry touched me - and the card with all the nice messages.

If one person were to do this, with seemingly random items and over a period of time, it would make me feel funny. Sorry.

Couldn't you just give her a nice Christmas gift either from you or club together with others?

Enjolrass · 05/12/2015 19:23

casta that's awful.

I do think our office dickhead didn't realise I had been there years and wasn't known for being quiet or shy.
He started while I was on MAT leave. He prob thought I was new. Which is even worse.

He got a bit of a shock when publicly called him out on it.

That's the problem OP, some people do this stuff with weird or negative intentions.

But as I said it's a really lovely thought.

nortonhouse · 05/12/2015 19:42

OP, I think you have a good heart, and you obviously had nothing but the best intentions. You did the right thing sending your email; now you can offer to take your colleague out for lunch or coffee and maybe give her a little gift as well. She might just welcome the care and attention and also perhaps the chance to chat outside the office about her terrible year with someone so kind.

Original poster

Reastie · 05/12/2015 19:43

Ok, this might make it less odd I hope. The tradition where I work with secret Santa is that for the week it goes on (although just my luck isn't isn't going on this year) if you give little trinkets for the entire week not just one present on a set date, so I'm kind of sticking with this week long secret Santa logic that is the norm at my workplace. I'm hoping this makes it seem not quite so weird spreading it over a few days?

OP posts:

limitedperiodonly · 05/12/2015 20:16

What you are intending to do seems extremely weird to me.

hoopityhoopla · 05/12/2015 21:57

it's weird. lots of people have said its weird but you insist on doing it so not sure why you even asked if yabu! It seems like you're doing it for you rather than her. Or for the praise

StealthPolarBear · 05/12/2015 22:08

Limited sorry to hear you've been ill. What's up? Hope 2016 is better.
Op I think it's a lovely idea but as a pp said I'd feel a bit awkward with all eyes on me iyswim.. Presumably you'll see her get them though and can make a judgemental call about how to proceed

AbbyCadabra · 05/12/2015 22:17

I can be thin skinned and over sensitive sometimes, especially if unwell. I would hate to think I was someone's 'project'.

One small Christmas gift for a work colleague is ok, a series of them would be strange.

Rachel0Greep · 05/12/2015 22:18

Honestly, I would probably just go for giving someone a small gift, in that situation, on the day that you are all due to finish for Christmas, say, the chocolates that you know they like, or whatever. Just a token to say you wish them a nice Christmas.

Kelsoooo · 05/12/2015 22:26

I did something sort of similar to an indirect colleague.

Indirect because we work for different companies, on the same site doing the same job.

They had just lost their dad, not suddenly but suddenly at the same time.

I was the only one outside of his company that knew this.

One random day, aeons ago we had a conversation about what we would love to be able to buy if we were rich. And they said a magical dwarf they'd keep in their shed at the bottom of the garden. And then the conversation rambled onto elves and dwarves rights. It was all very weird, and like I say, aeons ago.

When they returned to work a week after the death, and before the funeral, I popped an envelope into their stupidly unlocked car.

In the envelope was a note with a poem in that I have found helpful in hard times.

And an A3 drawing of a shed with a dwarf outside of it.

I got a text about 4 hours later just saying "you random fucker, i love it".

I'd done it with the same intentions as you, I wanted them to know they had my support, and to give them a little smile. No weird intentions. The execution was weird. And probably looked weird to anyone who saw me clambering into their car and being all furtive. And also weird because i can't draw. The dwarf looked weird as all hell.

So in conlcusion, I'd love it if someone did that for me. And I dont think it's weird. But clearly, I am a weirdo.

limitedperiodonly · 05/12/2015 23:14

I would hate to think I was someone's 'project'

I agree with AbbyCadabra

Duck90 · 05/12/2015 23:45

OP, what I take from this is you are looking forward to the reveal it is you that gave the gifts . A true Samaritan does not want adoration.

KoalaDownUnder · 05/12/2015 23:59

She doesn't want 'adoration', Duck, for goodness' sake! That's unfair.

You have to reveal yourself at some point if you're a Secret Santa, that's how it works. (Otherwise it really would be awkward)

Duck90 · 06/12/2015 00:20

Koala, the first post says there is no secret Santa at work though. This is a individual gift for a person.

KoalaDownUnder · 06/12/2015 01:17

I know there isn't one at work. It's individual multiple gifts over the course of a week, Secret-Santa style, though.

I don't think the point of the reveal at the end is to get kudos, it's because the recipient will be really freaked out if she never finds out who it was!

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 06/12/2015 03:24

I think it's very odd and as others say I'd hate to be your pity project.

If I found a roll of wrapping paper on my desk I'd probably send an all staff email letting the person who has mislaid their wrapping paper that I'd found it.

Imknackeredzzz · 06/12/2015 06:32

Don't do it OP honestly

Original poster

Reastie · 06/12/2015 06:46

Oh gosh, help, why did I do the card?!

Ok, I don't want adoration, in fact, my initial plan was to not ever reveal myself but then I thought that would be weird and I'd have to.

I feel like I'm now stuck as I sent the card saying what my plan was, and followed up with the email saying it was actually me and I hope you don't think I'm insane so I can't now not do it otherwise it would look even more strange surely?

This is definitely not a pity project, I just feel helpless when said colleague talks about her issues and want to help. This in a weird way feels like I'm helping in that I'm trying to give her something to look forward to (yes, make your comments about looking forward to wrapping paper her, maybe I'm the only one who would be happy to receive this thinking t was helpful to get me going in the Christmas wrap) and get her through the week. I guess it seems more odd than it would have because the normal work secret Santa that would be ongoing with secret hidden surprises across the week isn't running this year.

Gah, I'm so worried about the whole thing now.

OP posts:

CreepingDogFart · 06/12/2015 06:50

Oh no OP. I'm embarrassed for you. It is really weird even if you meant to be nice. Bordering on socially awkward. What on earth is she expected to say to you? You've made it awkward for her at work.

Enjolrass · 06/12/2015 07:12

You have to reveal yourself at some point if you're a Secret Santa, that's how it works. (Otherwise it really would be awkward)

I have done secret Santa in several work places and we have never revealed who the person buying was, ever.

OP the wrapping paper, may be odd to you. But if she has expressed that she can't be arsed to get started on her Christmas shopping and can't be arsed to go out and get the stuff to wrap, maybe it is a good idea.

Personally, I would have just gone with the good deed. Take her for lunch and/or a gift. That's given at once. Not bits over a few days.

Honestly if someone told me to watch out for small gifts and some wrapping paper appeared on my desk, I would assume someone had left it there by accident.

I really think you have started this with the best of intentions, just may be got a little lost along the way.

Did she reply to the email?

Personally when you are back at work I would take 2 minutes to explain you had a plan then thought it might come across as odd and just give her the presents

Fraggled · 06/12/2015 07:19

I think it was a really lovely idea. But reading through the thread shows it's a really personal thing, as many would find it weird or even be offended (which wouldn't have ever entered my head!)

You know her Reastie. Only you can really say how you think she would feel.

Original poster

Reastie · 06/12/2015 07:24

She hasn't replied to the email but I sent it on a week end and she likely won't check until Monday. I will find her next week and try to explain that I'm not a weirdo really and hope she gets it. I still think hope she'll take it well.

OP posts:

KoalaDownUnder · 06/12/2015 09:19

Okay then - you have to reveal yourself if you're the only one doing Secret Santa in the office, or it's creepy!

(We've always told who we were at the end of the week, but admittedly I haven't done them often)

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