How the hell can dads just up and leave their kids?!

[harboromummy]

Feeling super hormonal tonight.

Left abusive ex husband over two years ago. He was around the kids the first year, this year he's been shocking. Haven't heard from him in over a month, doesn't pay csa, demands to have the kids on his terms (I.e every time it's someone in his families bday so he looks "good").

My dd isn't that bothered, she's 7 and my ds whose 6 doesn't really talk about him. But they adored their dad.

I'm heartbroken for them. They must be. How can someone just leave like that?! How can he carry on his life and no be bothered especially having spent 5/6 years with them practically full time?! I'm so angry.

Mrsjanedoe I think there are way more fathers who walk out on their kids than women who try and cut fathers out of their kids lives.

It's a separate issue and every time people are on about absent fathers someone says what about mothers cutting contact as if it is the mothers fault an absent father has walked away in the majority of cases when that simply isn't true.

My opinion on the 'ex wife being awkward' posts are based on my own experience and that of friends (both ex wives and new wives/partners themselves)

Usually it's the nrp lying. Claiming they're 'trying' to see the kids when they're either blatantly lying or they've messed contact about and ex wife and kids are fed up with it. Likewise maintenance. Easy to say you're paying - prove it!

I've also had now ex friends give it 'why should my dh pay maintenance if he's not allowed to see the kids' - because they're still his kids and he's still legally and morally responsible for their lives and the cost of raising them! Again the people saying this the guys were given ample opportunity to be in their kids lives and messed it up!

'But if he pays maintenance we can't have a 4-bed house/3 holidays etc' tough! His kids come before your desire for a certain lifestyle! Plus they existed before your relationship!

I had several incidents with my ex

He told now wife 2 that I was preventing the divorce from progressing. Truth was it was him I suspect as she wanted them to get married. I let her know the truth with proof!

Bumped into my ex mil at local mall. She had a go at me for 'stopping him seeing dd even though he pays a fortune in maintenance' neither were true! Luckily he'd claimed he was paying direct to bank account. I took her into my bank and got her proof there and then that he'd not paid a penny! I then posted her copies of the solicitors letters which made it clear not only was I not stopping contact I was chasing him for it! He didn't even cancel he just didn't turn up!!

Being a dad naughtily using my wifes username I often wonder this myself. I can understand marriages break down but for the life of me cannot see how dads can do this.

Sometimes I can see my kids eye's that they literally worship me and DW and while that may fade my memory of it won't. The feeling that it brings almost makes me feel like i will burst and i will never forget it and could never turn my back on them for anything or anyone.

A lot of men (not all), when faced with the choice of going off and starting a life with a new woman, or staying with their present wife and children,will often choose the new woman over being with their children.

Basically, what's between their legs and between the OW's legs is more important (in their eyes) than the well-being and future stability of their own children.

It's veryselfish but it happens.

Most women (not all), will often put their children first, before everything.

Wasn't there some recent research which showed that quite a staggering proportion of men lose contact with their children after divorce? And also that a very high proportion of men remarry quickly after divorce (compared to women). I'm sure the two are connected.

I don't want to sound as though I'm just slagging men off - there are of course zillions of devoted dads and zillions of shitty mums as well. But I think it's undeniable that men are far more likely to move on from their children than women are. And saying that women behave badly in others ways, while doubtless true, doesn't explain that.

I looked up the statistics and it's one in five fathers that have no contact after a divorce. I can't seem to find the numbers for unmarried parents who break up. That's probably much harder to get numbers on.

1 in 5... that IS a staggering figure, isn't it?

My mum left when I was 8. She decided she wasn't happy and it would be better for us to stay with dad. My dad, despite several disastrous attempts at dating, bought the three of us up single handedly.

We found out a few years ago she refused to pay any maintainance, despite taking her 50% of the family house my dad had to sell as his wage alone couldn't keep it.

We never had contact arranged. We had a few phone calls in the first year, and maybe two days out over the next five years. But she didn't see my brother. He's 31 and has not seen her since he was 12. He doesn't talk about it but it has affected him. Last year he had a baby and got married. His wife contacted her before the wedding and was told after all these years there's no point dwelling and to move on. She didn't even ask after her grandchild who she has never met. Sil had thought our mum had a breakdown or been depressed. But really she just didn't want children.

I agree with a pp about it being similar to a distant aunt you don't like. I haven't spoken in 7 years to her. She hasn't met two of my DC or know that I'm married.

My ExH is the same after ten years of marriage and 3 DDs I left him in Jan this year. He started off the year proclaiming that he would give up work to be with the children etc, and now, not even a year later, he sees them an average of once every 6 weeks.

The DDs are only 8, 6 and 3 so they love and miss him and totally fall for his claims that 'I want to see you more often but your mummy keeps doing things and making you busy.'

He has 5 properties, two sports cars, and is now living in our 4-bed marital home whilst I am with my parents, sharing one bedroom between us.

He has even rented out the DDs bedrooms and is making money off us having left.

And he hasn't paid out a penny towards the children.

He calls them once a week for 5 mins. I cannot believe he has so little interest in his own children.

He can't apply as he isn't on the birth certificate. People have said that she cheated on him so he might not be the dad but the little boy is the spitting image of my OH!

So I'm going to assume that he doesn't pay anything if he rolling out the "I don't think the child is mine" line - and it is just that - a standard excuse men use when they cant be bothered to step up. I know - when I was 14 CSA contacted my dad and he said he didn't pay because he didn't know if we were his kids ( 4 kids and married to my mum so not a random one nighter ).

He can still apply to court and request a DNA test if he has genuine doubts. If the child is his the court will also let him put his name on the BC and he will be granted access.

TBH I'm shocked that your DP hasn't even been bothered in over 3 years to find out if its his child. For the childs sake as much as his. And Im shocked that you don't seem to think there's anything wrong with that.

She won't let him contact her! She just tells him to fuck off, don't really see how he can do much more

The mother doesn't care, she doesn't know who her dad is as that's the way her mum brought her up and she's doing it to her child it's sad

it can be a number of things. Imaturity, lack of care/compassion, alcohol, wanting a new life without responsibility.
My parents split up when I was seven and all of these paid a part. The thing is though it was my Mother who was the absent uninterested parent. She disappeared completely out of my life for several years and by the time she could be bothered to get back in contact I was sixteen. She wanted to see me because she had cancer but for me at that age it was too late,. Things are very black and white at that age. I didn't choose to see her and I didn't go to her funeral. It probably is more men than women but not always, my dad never gave up trying to be s great parent.

Elf he could go through a solicitor , post a letter saying he isn't going to give up, post money recorded through the post so he has records he sent money.

It sounds like he has given up too easily

Elf weebabyseamus and fantasy have outlined exactly what he COULD do if he had the will!

At the very least he could be putting what he should be paying in maintenance in an account for the child to receive in the future if the child does prove to be his. But I think you're being fed a line. I take it the only evidence you have is his/his family and friends opinion/word?

I'd strongly advise against depending financially/having a child with him.

He can't apply as he isn't on the birth certificate. People have said that she cheated on him so he might not be the dad but the little boy is the spitting image of my OH!

You really fell for that old chestnut? Less than 30 seconds on Google would tell you that is incorrect.
5 seconds on a dads rights site.

You are part of the problem, best hope you don't have any kids with him because they will be the next ones who he does not know are his and will not make any effort for.

And he does not even need to see a Solisitor he can self rep pay peanuts and fill out a fairly simple form!

One in five fathers nc after divorce actually strikes me as being quite low. I'd expect it to be a lot closer to 40% than 20%. Although maybe the 'divorce' here is a clue: being married in the first place, that more formal and publicly acknowledged structure resulting in some kind of a self-selecting sample.

What does amaze me is the number of women who have more than one child with, if they are to be believed, men who are patently rubbish fathers in the first place.

I've just googled statistics on fathers with no contact and there is varying research with some saying its as high as 1 in 3 fathers walk away

I'm really astonished by the number of women who swallow patently transparent lies about how appalling the ex wife is regarding access. I'm sure there are some women who aren't jumping out of their skins to facilitate it but he way these women go on would make you wonder about why god put solid gold penises on rubbish men.

Just to redress the balance a bit, I do also wonder how much of a role parental alienation plays in the number of fathers who have no contact - i.e the child chooses to go nc due to the conflict that occurs after divorce. I'm sure that many of those one in three/ four/ five fathers don't try that hard, but my own experience is the opposite. Dh was a child whose father walked away when he was 12 and he's never seen him since. As a consequence dh knows more than most how it feels and was adamant he'd continue to be the dad he wished he'd had when his first marriage broke up. He has never defaulted on his maintenance payments (and will continue them to support dsd2 through uni), has seen them every weekend and often tried to see them more, had them as much as his ex would allow during school hols etc. Unfortunately though dsd1 has been nc since she was 14 (she's now 18) due in no small part to the conflict she witnesses after her parents' divorce. Her younger sister can't actually remember her mum and dad being together but her older sister witnessed a lot - the arguments over access, the disagreements over how they were being raised etc. In those circumstances it's easy to see how the actions of parents post-divorce have a profound impact on children. Dsd1 is an adult now and dh has tried repeatedly to resolve things. Unfortunately he's had to accept that it's unlikely she'll ever see or speak to him again. He's a bloody good dad who has never shirked and always put his dc first. And I do think that parental lienation plays a big part in a significant number of nc children/ fathers. The often acrimonious aftermath of a relationship provides a ripe environment in which continued I'll feeling can flourish. Let's be honest, how many of us would continue to be friends with our exes given the choice and if children were not in the picture?

I'm really astonished by the number of women who swallow patently transparent lies about how appalling the ex wife is regarding access. I'm sure there are some women who aren't jumping out of their skins to facilitate it but he way these women go on would make you wonder about why god put solid gold penises on rubbish men.

No matter how many like to think it doesn't happen it does.

There are women that do deny contact for no reason or completely frustrate it.

It seems a bit unfair to automatically believe that this doesn't happen than to face that sometimes it does.

DH exW family don't believe that she did. Even though there are court papers that prove that she did.

They also don't believe that she had affairs even though they divorced on the grounds of her affair and she is just about to be divorced again on the same grounds.

I'm really astonished by the number of women who swallow patently transparent lies about how appalling the ex wife is regarding access. I'm sure there are some women who aren't jumping out of their skins to facilitate it but he way these women go on would make you wonder about why god put solid gold penises on rubbish men.

When DP's exw left voicemails saying he was a serial cheat maybe I would have taken her a bit more seriously if she hadn't said the same thing to MiL and about FiL, and then about me to DP!

Cheat. Alcoholic. Physically abusive. Never paid maintenance. Barely sees DSS and then half the time blows him out due to "illness" hangover I've seen the bruises, she's been arrested before. I could easily fill AIBU with threads about her and if she were a bloke I'd get unanimous support on here. But no, apparently I'm "swallowing lies"

Also agree with Funinthesun that frustrated access does happen a huge amount. It happened with us. Part of the reason dsd1 and dh have become nc is because his ex explicitly told her dd that when she was 14 she was entitled to choose how much she saw dh. We therefore steadily saw less and less of her as she elected to spend more time with her mum's family and friends until an argument over something really small gave her the ammunition she needed to close contact altogether. A relationship with both parents equally should not be portrayed as 'optional' unless there has been abuse. Too often a relationship with the non resident parent is portrayed as optional. It does happen, and more often than most are prepared to admit.